Category Archives: Sports

There is simply no way this year’s Super Bowl will ever attain the gloriously dizzying heights of last year’s spectacle. First of all, there are no sexy Patriots in the game. That means no Tom Brady, no naked Rob ‘The Gronk’ Gronkowski, and no Wes Welker. Second, there is no new David Beckham underwear commercial. Third, and most importantly, there is no Madonna (and no new Madonna song). The latter alone means it’s going to be one dismal letdown, even if Beyonce does her best.

Still, I may check out the game, because it’s what Americans do, and with my new interest in the sport I have a little better idea as to what’s happening on the field. As of this writing, I’m torn between the teams. Originally I went in routing for the 49ers, but ever since Chris Culliver made those homophobic remarks, I’ve been leaning toward the Ravens. It also helps that a straight ally, linebacker Brendan Ayanbadejo is playing for the latter. Besides, as a general rule I prefer the underdog.

“You see it in the drive-through at Wendy’s. Some people actually care about what they’re doing and some don’t. I care. Everybody cares, but it’s obvious some care a lot more than others. It just seems like the ones that care the most are the ones that stay around the longest.” ~ Greg Maddux

“Less than a foot made the difference between a hero and a bum.” ~ Pete Alexander

“In the seventh inning fans all get up and sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game,’ and they’re already there. It’s really a stupid thing to say and I don’t know who made ’em sing it. Why would somebody that’s there get up and sing take me out to the ball game? The first person to do it must have been a moron.” ~ Pitcher Larry Anderson

“Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.” ~ Ted Williams

Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack,
I don’t care if I never get back,
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don’t win it’s a shame.
For it’s one, two, three strikes, you’re out,
At the old ball game.

My first brush with the World Series came in 1986, when the Boston Red Sox went against the New York Mets (and Bill Buckner fumbled his way into the history books for all the wrong reasons). I was in the sixth grade, and the only kid in my class who was routing for Boston, so Mr. Buckner left me with pie on my face when they came so close to winning but didn’t. While personally unscarred from that experience (I gave the kids more to hate than my love for the Red Sox), I stayed clear of baseball stuff until the Red Sox were again in the running in 2004 (when they finally beat the curse). Aside from those two years, the closest I came to the World Series was in the lyrics of Prince’s ‘U Got the Look’ ~ Boy versus girl in the World Series of Love.

This year the San Francisco Giants are squaring off against the Detroit Tigers – two teams I remember from my all-too-brief baseball-card-collecting frenzy of 1985. In honor of that, I’ve borrowed a bat from my brother, slipped on a sports jock, and will bring you those photos in a few posts. It may not match the heights of this year’s Super Bowl excitement (without Madonna nothing can come close), but I’ll do my best. As for who I’m rooting for, I’m going with the Detroit Tigers. Don’t ask me why – I felt closer to them in 1985, and I feel closer to them now.

“The main reason for the tremendous popularity of football in America may be our subconscious fascination over the fact that each play starts with the quarterback squatting between the center’s legs in the classic pose of sodomy.” ~ Norman Mailer

Former New York Jets player Scotty McKnight is our pin-up guy for Sunday Football Shenanigans. I’m still learning about the game, so sometimes a player’s cuteness will supersede whether or not the player still plays.