Category Archives: Madonna

06
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #6 ~ ‘Keep It Together’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I GOT BROTHERS, I GOT SOME SISTERS TOO

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE, TELL YOU WHAT I’M GONNA DO

GONNA GET OUT OF HERE, I’M GONNA LEAVE THEIS PLACE

SO I CAN FORGET EVERY SINGLE HUNGRY FACE.

Finally, the iPod has reached the magnificent ‘Like A Prayer’ album, albeit it with one of its weaker songs. ‘Keep It Together’ was the last single from the 1989 album, and I have one distinct Boston memory of it. We were in the city staying at the Copley Marriott or the Westin -I can’t remember which (back then they blended into one, and were actually affordable). I was old enough to go off on my own, as was my brother, so we had gone our separate ways. 

I’M TIRED OF SHARING ALL THE HAND-ME-DOWNS,

TO GET ATTENTION I MUST ALWAYS BE THE CLOWN

I WANNA BE DIFFERENT, I WANNA BE ON MY OWN

BUT DADDY SAID LISTEN, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A HOME.

It was near the end of winter, and just starting to get warmer. I found myself in the Downtown Crossing/Chinatown area as dusk settled, and it was starting to get dark. There were a few brief moments of panic, when I got a bit turned around, and for a barely-teenage kid that can seem harrowing, but I held it together and kept walking, sure I’d find something familiar, and soon enough I did. 

Back on the T, I arrived at Copley and went into the Copley Mall, all brightly lit and warm with its clay-colored tiles. At the time, there was a card/gift shop where the back of Louis Vuitton now extends. I went in there, browsed the novelties, and ‘Keep It Together’ came on over the radio, filling the store with Madonna. It was the perfect end to the day.

I HIT THE BIG TIME, BUT I STILL GET THE BLUES

EVERYONE’S A STRANGER, CITY LIFE CAN GET TO YOU

PEOPLE CAN BE SO COLD, NEVER WANT TO TURN YOUR BACK

JUST GIVING TO GET SOMETHING, ALWAYS WANTING SOMETHING BACK.

When we returned to Amsterdam from Boston, it was time to head back to school for the long stretch of days to spring and hope. As always, on that first day back I felt a bit homesick for my family, echoing the sentiment of ‘Keep It Together.’

Madonna went on to perform the song as the encore/finale to her Blonde Ambition Tour (which also closed ‘Truth or Dare’) in a ‘Cabaret’-inspired bondage-costumed extravaganza (as outfitted by the great Jean Paul Gaultier).

WHEN I LOOK BACK ON ALL THE MISERY,

AND ALL THE HEARTACHE THAT THEY BROUGHT TO ME,

I WOULDN’T CHANGE IT FOR ANOTHER CHANCE

CAUSE BLOOD IS THICKER THAN ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE.

Song #5: ‘Keep It Together’ – Winter 1990
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05
October
2010
Tags: Gay, General, Madonna, Music
3 comments

The Night Madonna Saved My Life

{This is a repost of something I wrote in October of 2008, but given the news of late it seems a good time to resurrect it.}

I feel it
It’s coming…

Sixteen years ago I did not have my driver’s license. I was old enough to drive, I just hadn’t gotten around to making it officially legal, mostly because I didn’t care. Still, I loved sneaking out at night when my parents had gone to bed, putting the car in reverse, and starting it as the wheels eased out of the driveway.

That Fall was difficult for me on a number of levels. It’s not worth going into depth about it – it was simply a lonely time, and the onslaught of dreary gray weather did nothing to abate my melancholy. As a cold rain began to come down, I drove out of the small city and onto the back roads of upstate New York.

Rain,  feel it on my fingertips, hear it on my windowpane,
Your love’s coming down like rain,
Wash away my sorrow, take away my pain.

The rain was tearing the leaves from the trees. Dark brown oak leaves were driven down by the wind. The car sped along the messy road. Back in my bedroom, a plastic bag, a large rubber band, and a bottle of sleeping pills awaited my return. A page of Final Exit was marked, its instructions strangely void of emotion, no guidance on what to feel.

I know it’s real, rain is what the thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing,
Call me a fool but I know I’m not
I’m gonna stand out here on the mountaintop
Until I feel your rain…

The road turned, twisting itself along a line of trees. Rain pelted the windshield, a curtain of falling leaves parted for the car, and my sweaty palms and wet eyes glazed the glass between us. On the radio they were playing an as-yet-unreleased Madonna album, Erotica. I would never get to hear it in its entirety, not if everything went according to plan. It was the one drawback to ending it that night. I could bitterly rejoice at skipping all my homework due the next day, and defiantly put off cleaning my room- add it to the mess I was leaving – but I would not be able to hear the rest of Madonna’s music, not if I left tonight.

Waiting is the hardest thing,
I tell myself if I believe in you, in the dream of you,
with all my heart and all my soul,
that by sheer force of will, I could raise you from the ground,
and without a sound you would appear, and surrender to me, to love.

It was a simple ballad with a simple chord progression and a simple resounding theme of yearning, and if Madonna was having a rough go of it then how could anyone, much less myself, be expected to do any better?
So I decided to wait, at least until the album came out and I could get a proper listen, promising myself that I could always come back to where my head was at and do it right then.

I feel it,
It’s coming,
Your love’s coming down like
Rain.

There would be other attempts at self-annihilation, and there will always be that part of me that sometimes wishes to go away, but for that moment, that night, the simple promise of a Madonna song was enough to bring me to another day.

– Alan Ilagan, 2008

———————————————————————————-

This week I’ve pondered how I made it through, what it was that saved me all those times, and more often than not it was something as simple as a new Madonna album. I made it through the week waiting for that CD, and after dancing around the bedroom to “Deeper and Deeper” I realized that if I could make it through a week, I could make it through a month, and if I could make it through a month, I could last a year, and by then I would be out of high school, and maybe things would be better. And they were.

If you’re contemplating suicide, if you think you just cannot go on, please stop and wait a moment. Think it over for a day, for a week – it is never as bad as you think it is. And I don’t care if it’s Madonna, or Lady Gaga, or Justin Freaking Bieber, find something to hold onto. If you still feel alone, call someone. The Trevor Project is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide hotline for gay youth – there will always be someone there to listen. It may seem silly, but it’s not.

I grew up without The Trevor Project, but on another dark night when the world closed up around me I had the strength to call a local suicide hotline, and as foolish as I felt (and as sure as I was that they knew who my parents were) I poured my heart out to the woman on the other end, and it was all I needed to make it through that night.

There is always someone somewhere willing to listen to you, and though you may feel like there is nothing to live for, you have no idea what the next day or year will bring. Don’t deprive the world of everything you might one day become. You are not alone, so if you need to talk just call The Trevor Project at 866-488-7386.

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02
October
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #5 ~ ‘Stay’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Suddenly the iPod is begging for me to ‘Stay’ – from 1985’s Like A Virgin. Wow, talk about taking it back a few years (or decades in this case). Again, a non-single from those magical Virgin days, and the only memory I have of this is a Boston trip my Mom took me and my brother on, and this cassette just played over and over as we slept in the backseat of the station wagon. Neither my brother nor myself had any clue what a virgin really was, but when the grooves are this good it doesn’t matter.

Don’t be afraid,
It’ gonna be all right,
Cause I know that I can make you love me…

Song #5: Stay ~ Sometime around 1985

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26
September
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #4 ~ ‘Future Lovers’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I’m gonna tell you about love.
Letâ’s forget your life,
Forget your problems, administration, bills, and loans
Come with me…

The iPod seems to be on a Confessions on a Dance Floor trip, selecting ‘Future Lovers’ as the next random song. While this one was never a single, it opened her Confessions Tour in 2006, and as such is embedded in my memory on those how sweaty nights at Madison Square Garden and the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston.

This was probably her greatest concert entrance (no mean feat considering the brilliance of her Blonde Ambition ‘Express Yourself’ opening). Descending in a giant glittering disco ball (okay, not-so-secret behind-the-scenes reveal – she never came down in the ball, it descended and she entered it from below before it opened up). The effect was still spectacular.

When the disco ball opened up like some gorgeous hot-house flower unfurling its magical splendor, there was our Lady of Perpetual Provocation, resplendent in a horsetail top hat and whip, corseted satin and lace, and every bit the ring-leader of another amazing spectacle.

‘Future Lovers’ is a great way to open the show – playing to the die-hard fans who know the non-singles, while being familiar and groove-heavy enough to thrill anyone who didn’t memorize the track listing of the Confessions album. She inserts a bit of Donna Summers’ ‘I Feel Love’ into the live version, and it’s pretty amazing, setting the course for one of her most fun shows.

On a personal note, I saw this with my two favorite people – Andy in Boston and Suzie in New York. I think Suzie’s breasts were leaking as she was still breast-feeding Oona at the time, but she was a trooper and our Madonna concert tradition remained unbroken. As for Andy and Boston, I just remember dancing along with the sweaty masses and loving every minute of it.

In the demonstration of this evidence,
Some have called it religion.
This is not a coincidence.
Would you like to try?
Song #4: Future Lovers ~ Summer 2006
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23
September
2010
Tags: General, Madonna
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Matthew & Madonna

If there is one person more enamored and idolatrous of Madonna than me, it is Matthew Rettenmund from Boy Culture. Hell, he even wrote the book on her (literally ‘The Encyclopedia Madonnica’ – and it’s brilliant, but more on that later.) A brief while ago, Matt got to meet Madonna and her daughter Lola at a pink carpet event for their ‘Material Girl‘ clothing line, and their meeting, so many years in the making, is documented touchingly on his site here.

I’ve never been all that interested in other people making their dreams come true. I mean, yes, I’m happy for them, but the whole dream-realized moment is usually a let-down (and far too Oprah-like for me). Once in a while, though, someone’s dream touches me, and if you’ve been a part of their journey for a long time, it means a lot more. That may be the reason that Matt’s encounter with Madonna was such a happy event, even if I’m viewing it through vicarious distance.

My admiration of Mr. Rettenmund goes back a long way – to 1995 when ‘The Encyclopedia Madonnica’ was published. It had been a difficult few years for Madonna, what with the big ‘Sex‘ backlash and some questionable behavior (dating Dennis Rodman, fouling up on David Letterman) so for a fan this sort of book was a welcome reminder of what we loved most about her. While ‘Bedtime Stories’ worked wonders for her music and video rehabilitation, we were not yet to the miraculous double-come-backs of ‘Evita‘ and ‘Ray of Light,’ so it was still rocky going.

At the time, I was a rabid Madonna fan, lining up at midnight for any new album release, skipping class on a day that a new CD maxi-single was out (hello Junior’s Luscious ‘Bedtime Story’ remixes, good-bye ‘Madness & Folly in Renaissance Literature’) and lining my dorm room with posters of her. When ‘The Encyclopedia Madonnica’ arrived at Tower Records, I hungrily devoured it, poring over every word, savoring each glimpse into every detail of her life, and cherishing the compendium of collected facts in one convenient tome. More than that, however, was the voice of the author, for while Madonna alone was inspiration, the perspective of a gay guy who had found his way in the world was even more compelling. I remember sitting in my dorm room and recognizing something in his writing, some familiar understanding, coupled with a kind of longing for a gay friend. I needed someone to show me the ropes, to indoctrinate me into this world that was both inclusive and impossibly exclusive – a guide or a mentor – and for a while, the narrator fulfilled that role. I didn’t have a lot of close gay friends – I still don’t – so it meant a lot to find so many shared feelings and thoughts on a favorite subject.

It didn’t matter that I never met him, or that I was in Boston and he was in New York. It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t know me if we were the only two people in an elevator. All that mattered was that someone had seen what I had seen in Madonna, and had put it eloquently into words. There was nothing overtly personal about Matt in the book, but he was there on every page – his love, admiration, and honest critique of the woman I so loved resonated deeply within.

That such a love of an artist could result in another work of art was a joyous bonus. In our shared love and appreciation was a way to feel less alone, and less lonely. Those cold winter nights of coming out – first and only to myself – were comforted by two people whom I still have not yet met. But at least now I know that they have met each other, and the world somehow feels a little warmer because of it.

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23
September
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #3 ~ ‘Push’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

The iPod is telling me to ‘Push’. Not much to say, as this wasn’t a big memory maker. A track on Madonna’s otherwise-brilliant ‘Confessions on a Dance Floor’ album from 2005, it was never a single, so most people won’t know it. To be honest, it’s mostly filler, something that comes on when I’m in the shower and can’t reach the stereo. 

You push me to go the extra mile,
You push me when it’s difficult to smile,
You push me, a better version of myself,
You push me, only you and no one else.
Song #3: Push – Winter 2005/2006
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16
September
2010
Tags: Boston, Brandeis, General, Madonna, Music
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The Madonna Timeline: Song #2 ~ ‘Bye Bye Baby’

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle, and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released.}

And the iPod shuffles along to ‘Bye Bye Baby’, from 1992’s ‘Erotica’ album. I don’t think this got a proper US release, but I believe it was released overseas in the latter half of 1993, while Madonna was on her “Girlie Show” Tour, and that’s the period of time that comes to mind. She did perform it on the MTV Awards, opening the show with one of her less-than-enthusiastically-received moments at a time when her career was sagging thanks to the ‘Sex’ backlash. 

I was entrenched in my first semester at Brandeis University, so I missed the whole show. While all my hometown friends had returned to Amsterdam for homecoming or other nonsense, I stayed away until Thanksgiving. It was just something I had to do – I was not ready to go back. My girlfriend and I had tried to stay together when we left for school, but the long-distance (and gay) factors didn’t really give us a fighting chance, so emotionally things were messy and rather difficult.

Of course, I was the bad guy in the whole scenario, a not wholly unfair categorization, and so I was left feeling attacked and ostracized – which is not unfamiliar territory for me. But in late Fall, when the leaves were down and the wind was cold, it was even more lonely, and rather than throw myself into the Brandeis social scene (cue laughter), I withdrew into myself. 

Still, this silly trifling of a song about self-empowerment was a welcome distraction, even if the tiresome vocal distortion was just this side of annoying. The remixes were a riot – with an added-on ‘Star Spangled Banner’ ending to one of them. All in all, an insane song for an insane point in my life.

I don’t want to keep the bright flame of your ego glowing, so I’ll just stop blowing in the wind – to love you is a sin. Adios!
Song #2: Bye Bye Baby – Late Fall, 1993

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12
September
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
3 comments

The Madonna Timeline: Song #1 ~ ‘Who’s That Girl’

This is a sad confession of fanatical devotion to a woman I’ve never even met: I tend to remember events in my life based on what Madonna was doing – specifically if I’m trying to recall the date of something. For example, if you ask me what I was doing in October of 1992, it brings me thrillingly, chillingly, and achingly back to that fall when Madonna was releasing ‘Sex’ and ‘Erotica’, and my combustible final year of high school.

With that in mind, this is the first part in a long series of Madonna memories and moments, whereby I put the iPod on shuffle and whichever Madonna song comes up is the one I’ll write a brief memory on what was going on when it was released and/or came to prominence (memories evoked by songs don’t always have a definitive singular date, so I’m keeping it loose).

Here we go, let’s shuffle the iPod deck and get right to it…

First up – ‘Who’s That Girl’ – (yes, I have that on my iPod – and to all the naysayers it went to Number one in 1987). Let’s see, the summer of 1987 – I can just barely remember this song playing as my cousins, my brother and I were crammed into the backseat of our station wagon, en route to a family wedding or some summer vacation. The hot wind blew through the windows, and we were traveling with our parents. They sat in the front, but they might as well have been worlds away, so concerned were we with the fact that we were hanging out with our cousins. This song came on the radio and I lost track of the kid stuff and listened.

The ‘Who’s That Girl’ music video flashed across my mind, the image of Madonna running down the streets of New York with a cougar hot on her tail etched wondrously in memory, and always invoking a longing for some sort of madcap adventure of my own. That summer it was just us kids being kids, getting into minor trouble at weddings and loving every minute of it.

When you see her, say a prayer and kiss your heart good-bye…
Song #1: “Who’s That Girl” – Summer 1987

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26
June
2010
Tags: General, Madonna, Music
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Summer Memories: Has to Be Madonna

The official start of summer is upon us, and though it’s been many years since I had summers off, I still get a thrill when the season arrives. There are many summer memories I could share, but most fall flat in the retelling because they don’t so much encapsulate an extraordinary event or interesting happening as much as they evoke the feelings I had at the time.

I remember the summer of 1998 quite distinctly, though I wasn’t working full-time. Staying with my parents was the easy way out of a hot city summer in Boston. I think it was during the last few weeks of my retail stint at Structure, and I was in and out of the Malls constantly. The sterile white-washed brightness of Crossgates, so cool despite its roof of windows, offered respite from the heat, and though I spent many moments walking in its endless hallway with countless other shoppers, I often felt alone and isolated.

Madonna’s ‘Ray of Light’ single had just dropped and I picked up the CD-maxi with the B-side ‘Has to Be’. It was from her ‘Ray of Light’ sessions, ambient and moody, and perfect for the purgatorial summer doldrums that were about to set in.

Outside, the car was an oven. I opened the windows and cranked the AC before stepping back out into the sunshine. A wave of heat escaped, rising above the steaming roof. Tearing off the plastic wrapper, I pulled the CD out and examined the artwork. A bright multi-pointed star spun around its axis, the same minimalist fare on an aqua background that signaled the ‘Ray of Light’ release.

In the CD player, Madonna’s voice intoned, “Breathe in, breathe out… I say a little prayer.” A dirge-like plaintive delivery with the cool, watery, electronic vibe provided by William Orbit, the song was rightfully a B-side, but like most of her throwaway work, there were a few glimmers of brilliance.

I know there’s someone out there
Waiting for me,
There must be someone out there
There just has to be… 

I should be glad that I’m alive,
It could have been much worse.
I might have never loved at all,
And never known what I am worth

In the heat of the afternoon, summer left me feeling haunted, and restless. I went back to Boston, walking the steamy streets at night and waiting for love to reveal itself.

 

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12
January
2010
Tags: Madonna
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Last Night I Dreamt of Madonna

It’s no secret that I love Madonna, and have for about 25 years. She had me at “You’ve got style, That’s what all the girls say.” Yet within that quarter century of obsession, fanaticism, admiration, and occasional ambivalence, I’ve only dreamt of her three times.

The first was around the release of Truth or Dare – or a little afterward, in 1991. In the dream she was wearing the Dolce & Gabbana bejeweled body-stocking/corset number that she wore to the New York premiere for the movie, and she had brunette hair and smoky eyes. I forget what I said to her, but she seemed friendly and responsive to it, so it was a good dream.

The second one I can’t quite remember, but I believe it came around the time of her Reinvention Tour. I think she invited me and Andy to hang out after a show or something.

This third one was last night, and it was much more detailed and memorable. I was hanging out with Matthew Rettenmund (of Boy Culture and The Encyclopedia Madonnica fame) and we were at his house. This was both strange and fitting: strange in that I’ve never met Matt in person, fitting in that he’s the Madonna expert and go-to guy, as well as a kindred fan and admirer.

Anyway, in the dream Madonna comes into the room we’re in, and just plops herself down in a chair. Her hair is again a deep brunette, and piled in a loosely-curled mop on her head. She mentions that she has a new watch but nowhere to put it, so Matt comes out with a watch holder like they have in jewelry stores. For some reason she signs it, ‘Matt gave me this!’ with a pen, and he is giddy.

At that moment, I take out a tissue and blow my nose. “Did you just stick your fingers in your nose?” she asks.

“I used a tissue! Iâ’m not a heathen!” I reply indignantly. She is amused and laughs a little. Sensing my chance, I ask her the only question I can think of at the moment (and I know it’s lame, but itâ’s all I really want to know about right then): “So what’s the new record going to sound like?”

“I don’t know,” she says.

“Liar!” I say with a smile. She gives a little laugh.

“Seriously, I have no idea.”

And then, abruptly and too soon, the dream is over.

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