Category Archives: General

There are dips and peaks in the daily trajectory of our lives, and before freaking out at either tip or trough, I’ve learned to step back and pause to better gauge a more comprehensive collection of days and weeks. Unfortunately, what gets the most attention, and the posts that I tend to write, are those which touch on deeper and darker issues. “What’s the point of sitting down and notating your happiness?” Madonna once asked during her ‘Like A Prayer’ era. I tend to agree with her on that. However, it gives a false image of unhappiness and dissatisfaction here, as much as I try to temper things with eye/guy candy and hunks of the day and frivolous fashion and witty/shitty banter. Hopefully you are understanding that, but in the event that we are all getting bogged down in the tragic, let this be a moment where we recognize that the overall trajectory of the past few months has been one moving toward happiness, and a healthier way of living. That can upset people who don’t deal well with change, or who want the casual friends they have to stay quietly in whatever box they’ve allotted or created in their mind. My good friends, and the family members who know me well, understand such nuances, and are happy to see anyone work toward improving their lifestyle. “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind” and all that other Dr. Seuss wisdom and shit.

The past few weeks – months, actually – have been spent in improving things from the inside out. I’ve improved my diet and exercise regime (still trying to make that trajectory trend upward), I’ve stopped drinking alcohol, and I’ve been seeing a therapist. That’s a lot of changes in a relatively short time, and even though they’ve all been long overdue, such a dramatic shift on multiple fronts has resulted in a couple of panic attacks and a withdrawal from social events. That was actually a good thing, especially during the holidays, when a reduction in socializing made for a more-bearable season. I will take some of that to heart next year when the holidays roll around again. It worked out well in reducing stress and all that stuff that builds up to make it difficult to focus on getting close to the people that matter.

As for how it’s been going in the post-holiday weeks, I’d say it’s getting much better. There’s still a long way to go, and one of the main things I’ve come to appreciate is a change in how I view the process of improvement. Rather than setting a big huge life-changing goal and detailed plan for the next year (something of which I was once guilty – I’m a Virgo after all, a man with a need for a plan) I’m learning to set up smaller goals for a day. It makes for a lot of little accomplishments. Lots of happy successes. And I feel happier because of them.

Standing in the parking lot of the supermarket and talking with an old friend (because that’s what adults do I guess) we lamented the fact that we hadn’t seen each other at a party in a very long time. In that very moment, I posited the idea that no one throws parties anymore is because we are all in touch via social media, and there’s less of a need to get together. There was something sad in the realization and admission.

For many years, there was a series of parties that constituted our holiday social season. It began with a pre-Thanksgiving get-together at Bob’s in the heart of Albany. We would cram ourselves into his apartment overlooking Washington Park and kick off the holidays at a Friendsgiving gathering of sorts, before we all headed off to our respective family fiascos. Then Rob M. and we would coordinate weekends for our respective holiday parties, and finally Rob C. would close out the year and the season with his New Year’s Eve bash.

This past Christmas there were no parties. Yet we’ve all been in touch via FaceBook or Twitter or Instagram so it doesn’t feel like we’ve missed anything. In fact, it feels like I know more about my friends’ comings and goings than I did when we would regularly go out and see people. There is a continuous social gathering online whenever we decide to plug in, a perpetual party that takes place in all corners of the world and at all hours of the day or night. It offers instant if tenuous connection, a joining of the masses, and a communal get-together that gives us all a false sense of social camaraderie. For the introverted among us, it is in many ways a relief – a way to be social without actually being social.

Yet part of me misses those parties, and it’s why we haven’t entirely given up on them just yet. There’s something about seeing friends in person that will never be as nourishing or enriching as connecting via text or FaceTime. There is an intimacy and immediacy, and the shared moment that brings two people together in a way that no computer or phone screen could ever replicate. The richness of a three-dimensional being, the scent of someone’s sillage, the way that eyes look back at you – these things can’t be conveyed no matter how many online lookers gaze your way. 

So here’s to the people who still party, the people who still bring other people together, and the personal connection that reminds us we are not alone in the dark, staring at a phone or a computer, lost in the land of virtual mediocrity. Go on now, get out of here. Close this page and whatever device you’re reading it on and look around you. Stand up and stretch, breathe deeply in of the world around you. That is what’s real. That is what matters.

If I wanted to convey my general attitude and life-view in a GIF or two, look no further than the ones presented here. Of course they are from Madonna, who manages to channel ennui, glamour, haughtiness, dismissal, vanity, snark, impatience, humor, and defiance in a couple of glorious eye-rolls at society. The first is from the Blonde Ambition era, and the second is from her pre-MDNA tea-sipping ‘W.E.’ period. Both touch my heart and tickle my funny bone.

“The hard soil and four months of snow make the inhabitants of the northern temperate zone wiser and abler than his fellow who enjoys the fixed smile of the tropics. ” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A January thaw wreaked havoc with the gardens and emotions, accompanied as it was with strong winds and much-higher-than-usual temperatures, yet I managed to weather it without the traditional emotional mayhem. Maybe I’m getting better at this. Previous January thaws have thrown me for loops and whirligigs and dizzying spirals. I tended to grab onto the moods and shifts of those around me rather than holding true to myself. Despite appearances to the contrary, I can be pretty stalwart when it matters.

The earth teaches these lessons in its own way. It sometimes takes a few turns around the sun for me to get it – I take my time in learning certain things, and that’s all right. The longer it takes to learn a lesson, the longer I find it stays with me.

“Winter is a season of recovery and preparation.” –Paul Theroux

One of those life lessons is that of forgiveness. I’ve had trouble with this one for decades, and it still doesn’t come naturally or easily to me. Because forgiveness, in most cases, means that someone has done you wrong. After a while, one gets tired of having to forgive. Repeated incidents that require forgiveness tend to reveal underlying attacks which, in their repetition, lend the rational person to determine it may not all be entirely unintended. But I’m getting ahead of myself, talking in vague ambiguities, when winter should be hard and steadfast and crystalline. January thaws muck that up, but I wouldn’t give up a 60 degree day with sun for anything right now. We will live with the emotional mayhem. Winter weather will return soon enough.

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” –Edith Sitwell

One of the things that I’ve admired about Justin Trudeau is that he is human. He’s made mistakes, apologized for them, and admits he is not perfect. We all will have our issues with politicians, no matter how seemingly good they occasionally appear. This post, however, is not to delve into anything as serious and deep as all that. This is all about Justin Trudeau’s beard. Where do you stand on it?

Personally, I dig it. I dig the gray (ahem). I dig the gravity it lends, and the casual flair that is somehow peppered with distinction. It’s how a beard should work. It’s almost enough to grant him a second Hunk of the Day crowning. Almost.

When you get temperatures in the 60’s in January, it tends to make people a little giddy and crazy and out of sorts, and when that coincides with the full moon, well, it’s a wonder we’re all still here. Somehow, though, we made it through the wilderness. One week done, another one begun. This is how we find our way through the winter. That and buying flowers for the husband. Hence these roses, given as a thank you for the rather impressive feat of Andy fixing the snowblower on his own, thanks to nothing more than a YouTube tutorial. On with this rollercoaster of a recap…

There were moments of silliness.

There were no photos please.

There was a retro radio show. 

There was the promise of a new project.

There was this fragrance.

There was a crazy good dinner I made myself. 

There was a room for two.

There was Luke Evans in a skimpy Speedo.

There was a sprinkling of sparkle.

There was a message of body positivity.

There was a Sweet Sixteen birthday for this very website. 

There was a moment of contemplation.

This month marks the start of the 16^thyear of existence for ALANILAGAN.com, which makes me feel like a grumpy old Dad spewing grumpy old Dad jokes as his kid peels out of the driveway while texting. Thankfully, this website behaves much better than any teenager ever could. It does exactly as I say, adhering to precisely what I program, and doesn’t give me any lip or sass aside from the occasional error that is more the provider’s fault than anyone else’s. Quite the opposite of any unruly offspring, this website has provided a steady anchor no matter what crazy fucking shit is going on in my personal/family life, offering a single sanctuary on which I can perpetually rely, unlike just about everything and everyone else. There’s something special in that, and I don’t take it lightly. Not after sixteen years. We’ve been through too much together.

Is it strange to anthropomorphize a website? Of course it is. Yet strange is what we do best here. There aren’t many personal blogs that have lasted this long, so I can basically do what I want. Though to be honest that freedom has been in place from the very beginning of our journey back in 2003. The world was very different then, but what has remained the same is the desire to express myself as creatively and crazily as I feel fit, without censorship or limits. That may result in a voice that will never be palatable for mainstream/mass consumption, but my words are basically harmless, and the nudity is never full-frontal. Anyone who claims this place is pornographic must cringe at all the porn on the average sitcom. They have no place here anyway, as we have an acceptance policy of all people, and they would not be comfortable with such a stance. They are always welcome to join us, I just doubt it would be their cup of tea. We get many passing visitors like that, and I’m always glad for the brief time they spend here. I’m more grateful for those who deign to return, no matter how few and far between they may be. This is my sweet thank you to those folks, the ones who come back on the regular, who put up with my trying posts some days, my nonsensical posts other days, and the general ridiculousness that populates all the rest of the remaining days.

Anyway, please come back to see how this sweet sixteen year unfurls. If it’s anything like a real-life sixteen-year-old, get ready for the drama. You know I will do my best to bring it.

Last year at this time I was doing my best to get over the darkness of the ‘PVRTD’ project and delving into painting and florals and all the whimsical wantonness of ‘Once Upon A Watercolor’ which means that this year I’m feeling a little unmoored. That’s ok for the time being when the focus is on other issues, and I already have a pair of projects lined up. Since 2020 is a year of anniversaries, these are happy and nostalgic look-backs, something I don’t always enjoy, but will in these cases. More details to come in the next few months.

Now seems as good a time as any to revisit some former projects too, so be sure to visit The Projects page and see what came before. The winter is fertile creative time, mostly because there is so little else to do. This year that’s not necessarily true, so I’ll keep busy on all fronts.

With the advent of the ubiquitous camera phone, as perfectly-focused images become standard fodder, decent pictures are a dime a dozen. True there is a great deal to be said for composition and the skilled rendering of light, shadow, subject and movement, but these days it’s much easier to get a lovely image with the touch of a phone screen. Because of that, I haven’t been putting as much effort into presenting images as I once did, and it certainly shows.

I will still slow things down and go back to my trusted Canon for serious projects and photographs that mean a little bit more to me {see ‘PVRTD’ and ‘The Delusional Grandeur Tour’ for example} but for the purposes of this casual blog, I don’t really bother much with a real camera anymore. (Again, you’ve probably noticed.)

I guess this is my way of publicly working out the next steps for The Pictures page. Is it worth revamping? With the ease and instantaneous possibility of presentation provided by Instagram and other social media, what is the point of updating the photo pages at all? Part of me feels what’s there can remain as an archived bookmark to the past, and part of me feels I should do something with it, bring it into whatever modern version photographs are granted these days. I’m a dinosaur when it comes to such matters, and worse, a dinosaur that doesn’t give a fuck.

Maybe I need to talk this over with my webmaster.

Maybe I need to find the inspiration to dazzle again.

Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.

(Most likely scenario: maybe I just leave it alone and pretend we never had this dilemma.)

PS – Follow me on Instagram just in case I migrate there for good. 

BABY WE CAN DO IT

TAKE THE TIME DO IT RIGHT

WE CAN DO IT BABY…

Does a weekend go by faster when you cram a ton of activities into it or when you sit around and literally do nothing for two days? For a while I though that the best way to slow down time was to do nothing. Waiting or simply existing seemed a proper stimulus for slowing things down. But when I think over weekends of lots of activity versus no activity, it’s actually the ones that are filled with things that seem to last the longest. Travel and exploration seem to expand the concept and feeling of time, while staying inside and not venturing anywhere actually speed it up. It’s something I’m still working out in my mind. And this is where I begin my mindful work-outs, right here in these words, right here on this blog. It is my laboratory, my playground, my greatest experiment, and my safety zone. In the stillness and quiet of a thoughtful morning, when the world is mostly still asleep, at least in this particular time zone, I begin to formulate such thoughts. Perhaps they will lead to action, perhaps they will lead to nothing.

Perhaps I just want that lead singer’s golden caftan dress.

If Baby New Year can run around all naked and cherubic, then so the hell can I. Here’s to your own nude romps in the New Year. May your home be warm, and may your bits and bobs be forever swaddled. (Be wary of scratchy bows covered in glitter. They may not be your friend.) On with the first recap of the year, and me naked but for some glasses and tinsel and a big scratchy bow!

We cannot begin without first finishing up last year’s business, and what a bad bunch of business it was. If you think you can handle it again, here is the 2019 Year in Review: Part One, Part Two and Part Three. (I just thank sweet baby New Year and little baby Jesus that there was no Part Four.)

The only good thing about the way 2019 ended may have been this super-collection of Hunks. 

2020 begins in black and white, and hazy shades of gray. 

Letting the old shit go. 

The Waiting was over as the Madonna Timeline returned with this entry from the ‘Erotica’ era. 

Snoopy and Woodstock greet winter. 

My winter fragrance: Birch and Black Pepper by Jo Malone.

Winter songs for winter snow.

Ben Cohen bangs in the New Year in his underwear. 

Who wants to have fun with filters? Hint: not me. 

A Jello Renaissance: the craziest dessert I’ve ever made.

Even in plaid flannel, I will sparkle and shine. 

New hunks of the day included Benjamin Melzer, Matt Rogers, Mohamed Saleh, Omar Sharif Jr., and Lee Sun-Kyun.

A few people asked me if I would be live-tweeting the Golden Globes, and while I enjoyed the past season of film, I’m not sure I’ll last the whole night. I will do my best, but I find myself less interested and obsessed with these things when the world around us is burning down, in some places quite literally. But frivolity has its place, and its importance, perhaps especially in such a world, so let’s do our best. Before it even begins, I’ll let you know the three people to whom I am most looking forward to seeing: Billy Porter, Nicole Kidman and Cate Blanchett. I believe the first two are definitely going, and my fingers are crossed for the third. Keep checking back for updates as I add them.

Billy Porter is divinity and heaven in a standing white swan outfit.

Christina Applegate – love her, hate what her dress is doing for her.

Ben Platt – keeping it classy in a well-fitted tuxedo. Classy but boring. Save that kind of thing for the Oscars.

Margot Robbie – The dress has pockets, so I guess I’ll just pretend to be happy for her.

Ana de Armas – The danger of black sequins is the garbage-bag effect. Word is not yet out as to whether she steered clear of the danger.

Kit Harington – Decked out all in black – black on black on black – and I’m guessing everyone would rather see him in naked and nude.

Rami Malek in Yves St. Laurent is a perfectly-fitted vision.

For me, it’s all about Jennifer Aniston’s classic tousled-hair. 

Jodie Comer is giving the Green Monster a run for its money. 

Taron Egerton is in a back tuxedo. And bow tie. Calm down. 

Kerry Washington’s ensemble is why double-tape exists.

Kirsten Dunst – I don’t know… I want to like it. And I do love pink. I’m just not sure. Maybe it’s the neckline, or lack there-of. 

Jennifer Lopez – Oh no. No bow. No no no no no. 

Tiffany Haddish – One step short of a Grecian Goddess. But it’s a big step. 

Awkwafina – If we have to ask if that’s a chest hair situation, it’s not working. 

Gwyneth Paltrow – When tulle attacks. Brown tulle. Rhymes with ‘stool’. As in sample. 

Charlize Theron – Torn in the best possible way. I am loving and hating it equally, which means it will probably be my favorite of the evening. I still like a challenge. 

Daniel Craig – I miss the baby blue square-cut.

Nicole Kidman – Divine scarlet elegance, and structurally astounding. The epitome of how to skillfully architect a dress. 

Paul Rudd – He can wear anything and look cute. Even that boring tux. 

Nick Jonas – If International Male was still in business…

Keegan-Michael Key – That is one big-ass bow tie, and I dig it.

Ansel Elgort – Cleans up better shirtless. 

Renee Zellweger – Love the color, hate the cut. She’s gorgeous in it, just my personal preference craves something more.

Scarlett Johansson –  When your husband is prettier than your dress.

Glenn Close – Exquisite color, and mentioned solely for the link.

Chris Evans – Finally! A tux with a colorful twist! I like it so much I don’t even care he’s not naked (like he is here). 

Annette Bening – So severe! 

Matt Bomer vs. Sofia Vergara – Best battle of the night! And it wasn’t even over Joe Manganiello. 

Beyonce – Did they have to sit you in a different section for those shoulder puffs? 

Taylor Swift – The requisite curtain-comment moment. Wasn’t sure we’d get one, so thanks Tay-Tay! 

Jason Momoa – Tank top. Naked. Whatever. You win. 

Cate Blanchett – Oh they are going to hate it, but I quite love it. Aside from the hair – why that hair? 

Let’s end this on a high note: Brad Pitt in a tuxedo, serving classic golden tresses and reminding us of who we used to be. (Oh, and Brad Pitt shirtless.)

As anyone who truly knows me will attest, I despise photoshop and filters with a passion. That makes today’s filter-obsessed online world relatively drab and dreary for me. Those big, bulging eyes and animal ears are just obnoxious. It also says a lot about someone’s sense of self-beauty when they feel the need to filter their face all the time. There’s some weird juxtaposition of self-obsession and self-hatred in all these ultra-filtered faces. I find it rather more sad than anything else.

Even so, every now and then I’ll fall into the filter hole to see what the young people are doing (or more likely because a multitude of social media friends are all trying out the latest ‘Which Disney Princess are you?’ feature). That’s how I have a Wonder Woman crown on my head somewhere, and the winter holly growing out of my ear here.

I’m also coming around to the occasional filter to help reverse the aging process. Having unwittingly looked up at the video monitor broadcasting my face in the self-check-out line at Target on a recent Sunday morning, filters may be the way to go.

It looks so much nicer than it really is. The snow appears pretty. The wardrobe seems cozy. The whole atmosphere is a thing of beauty and wonder. But this is just winter, and it’s going to suck. We need to get through the worst of it before we reach the ease. Hunker down and stay close to home. Close the curtains and stock up on the heavy blankets. Put on the soups and stews and crank up the crock pot because this is the time for comfort food.

Hats and gloves, scarves and boots. Winter was designed for accessorizing with a purpose. Personally, I prefer to accessorize for no other purposes than beauty and whim. The necessity of such stuff immediately lessens the enjoyment. Still, no sense to frump out just because it’s cold outside. Let’s lift it.

Looking back over days gone by is mostly a painful exercise. You have no idea how trying it was to compile the Year in Review 2019: Part One, Part Two and especially Part Three. It was positively ghastly. I don’t like rehashing or retreading things, particularly from the near past, but I’ve learned such enterprises are crucial in truly moving forward. Failure to do so can result in some devastating consequences. Let’s just say I’ve got all the anger and resentment to prove it. The problem with not forgiving and not forgetting is that you end up carrying all of it with you, when everyone knows the best way to travel is to travel light.

This year, I’m working toward that goal. Toward letting go of the past after working through it. That means there are difficult conversations to be had, confrontations to be thrashed out, and all sorts of emotional fall-out which will need to be cleaned up and properly eradicated. None of it sounds very appealing, and most of it will probably suck. But I need to do this work if I want things to get better. I’m taking a deep breath, pulling up my big boy breeches, and charging purposefully into the process.

Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.