Whenever the goldenrod appeared along the highway, my heart would start beating a little faster, and my stomach would begin to churn. It always meant the end of summer was near, and the start of the school year was around the corner. It filled me with dread, my social anxiety going into overdrive as the days ticked forward to the first day of school. To this day, I get residual PTSD effects, as recently happened when Emi and Noah were showing me their new backpacks and school supplies.
In that one instant, I was transported back to the fall when I went from elementary school to middle school, when new kids and new teachers and a whole new building meant starting over all again. Having taken years to find my comfort footing with my elementary school class, the notion of beginning again was a daunting and dismal one.
The twins are moving into their middle school now, and I could sense their own bit of nervousness about it. The mere proximity to the event set my stomach tumbling all over again. The odd thing is that nothing that terribly traumatic happened during the time I was in middle school – at least not school-related. While that first year I was shy to the point of non-existence (and perhaps that’s why I never charted on anyone’s radar) I slowly started to make a few new friends. It was always the beginning, especially the beginning of the unknown and unfamiliar, that so terrified me. I wish I’d known then in a more cognizant and aware fashion to take things one step at a time. Somehow, I managed to operate in such a manner without even understanding or realizing what it was that I was doing. It became a matter of getting through the arrival at school, and the first frightening moments of not seeing anyone I knew. Then it was getting through the confusing first period of math, when algebra made absolutely no sense to my mind, and then the first time changing in the locker room with other boys, and then getting through gym class which was once my favorite period of the day, and then finding the location of English class at the other end of the school where the teacher was already waiting for us, and then finding some grade school friends for lunch and carving out a new social scene… so many “and then” moments, and I took them all one at a time.
It was a fledgling version of being in the moment – just getting through whatever was immediately at hand. Don’t give me too much credit – there was no peace that resulted, and my worries compounded and multiplied as the day went on, terror building upon terror – but by the end of all the classes, and averting the disasters and demons that were largely in my mind alone, I’d made it through. The next day would bring the same anxieties and worries, but I took that one a single step at a time, and soon that first week was done.
When I listened to the twins talk about their new school, I did my best to be reassuring, to downplay the worry and play up the excitement. I also set up our next sleepover – when we would hold our annual Treasure Hunt to welcome in October and all its happy haunts. If you’re nervous about something, it’s good to have another event to look forward to beyond what’s giving you pause. At the very least, the twins could focus on that instead of worrying about school. For once, it’s good to be the ‘fun event’ that might alleviate someone else’s anxiety.
And so I see the goldenrod this year in a different light, in the comforting notion of tradition and fall coziness that goes along with the school season – and I work to heal what so worried me in the past. If it helps the twins in some small way too, then maybe that was the reason for all of it in the first place. From generation to generation, the universe makes such connections, repeating and varying and ideally getting us to a better and more peaceable place.
