~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

Before one of my Uncle’s visits, my brother and I found an old coffee maker in the basement, and in our make-shift room we set it up in the hopes of luring him into our company and keeping him there. He was alway driving coffee – black and scalding hot. We just wanted to be around him then – watching him, listening to him, laughing with him. Everyone wanted that. He entranced certain people – his long trail of curling smoke and a growing length of ash dangling precariously over his knee, ready to break off at any moment. 

He didn’t care, oblivious to so much, yet the ash didn’t fall – his arm moved to the ashtray just in time, every time. I often watched that ash burn, hoping to catch it fall, hoping to see that my Uncle’s apathy could be hurtful and messy to himself and not just to us. It never fell. Not on my watch anyway. 

It seemed some days that the ash would get longer and longer, that his fingers would turn to ash too, and then his hand, and his arm and his body, and we would all watch – mesmerized, mortified, transfixed – and he couldn’t even be bothered to care.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

Uncle Roberto 3

Crossroads of the World

Gray Ghost 6

Brother 4

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

It was a great night out with my brother. Visiting him in Miami, we went out to a few bars, had a few drinks, and did some brotherly bonding, or at least the closest we would get to that sort of thing. Sharing Bloody Marys and family memories, we have come a long way from not speaking to each other. At three in the morning I assume he is staying over with me at the hotel. There’s no way he can drive all the way north to Aventura, not after the night we had.

As we reach the hotel, he makes motions to leave. 

“You’re not driving home now, come on,” I say, casual at first.

“I can drive. I gotta get back.”

“No way. Just sleep over tonight and drive back tomorrow. Don’t be stupid.”

There are times when you cannot argue with my brother, just as oe cannot argue with ignorance. I am crying now begging him not to go. He drops his cigarette. He drops his keys. His drunkenness is palpable in his slurred speech, his bloodshot, sleepy eyes. Do I grab his keys like some cliched don’t-drive-drunk commercial? A streak of stubborn pride doesn’t allow me to do that. Having subjugated myself to my brother over the years, I cannot do it anymore. With one final refusal, he says he’s not staying, and before he can see me shed another tear, I run into the hotel and shut the door on the whole situation. 

Later I realize why he went home, and why he has never been able to be alone in life. He has to get back to a woman he may not really love. It will do for now, and the next day does not matter. Stave off the loneliness in the dark. Be brave in the morning. The nights are so tough. Just make it to the dawn.

It’s a fucked up thing, but it’s the closest he can find – anything to not be left alone. 

My brother is co-dependent and has never learned to be on his own. I don’t know how to impart that strength. Though he is taller than me, though he was the one who played all the sports and made my father so proud, I finally realize how weak he is, and has always been.

I call him at seven in the morning and his girlfriend says he got home late last night. When he calls back I do not answer the phone. 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

Uncle Roberto 3

Crossroads of the World

Gray Ghost 6

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

There, on the fence post, can you see him? The thick tail swishing back and forth, the white underside sleek and sinuous, and all of him blending into the gray bark of a gnarled tree. He jumps. 

Perched on a limb, he peers down at me. His tail is a fuzzy question mark. He speaks. In his squirrel gobbledygook he talk to me. I do not answer. I don’t understand squirrel-speak. But I listen.

If you sit still long enough, they will come. If you are quiet and respectful they will speak to you.

No one cares anymore. 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

Uncle Roberto 3

Crossroads of the World

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

Sitting in the Greenling Institute office in San Francisco, waiting for my friend Chris, I look at a letter to the New York Times hanging on the wall. It was written by Chris, one of his save-the-world/people-for-change/join-the-revolution letters – and suddenly I feel incredibly small. This one letter, written with such grand hopes of change – what did it do? It appeared for a day in the newspaper and then was gone. Did some in a powerful position read it and change their view? Did some politician implement a policy that had any effect after reading the letter? Or did it die a quick death, read by no one of importance, no one with the power to do anything, reduced to recyclable pulp by the end of the week?

I want to believe that words and paper may not last, but feelings and emotions do, yet all I can muster is a drowning feeling of hopelessness, of not being able to affect anything so why even bother. It’s the same feeling I get when I’m in New York City for longer than a few days. The masses of people, the careless way we bump into each other, looking through and beyond other human beings – it becomes oppressive and stifling, like all those bodies are bearing down on one another, flattening our finest edges, erasing individual identities, and obliterating our separate souls. 

How do you even begin to affect so many people? Lost in crowds, swallowed by swarms, a mite among many – what can one person really do for the good of the world? It’s so much easier to be destructive. A few men can take down the country’s tallest buildings, but how many does it take to build them up again?

And still Chris reminds me that all change has to begin somewhere, that the greatest social movements started with a small group of dedicated individuals, uniting and crusading until change is set into slow but definite motion. I want to have that faith but I don’t. So I place my faith in Chris. For now, it will have to be enough.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

Uncle Roberto 3

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

My Uncle inhabited the sometimes-shade underside of American life – the behind-the-scenes lower-level of the mythologically caste-free system of the United States. I heard him saying, “This country is fucking shit” one moment, then extolling the possibilities and potential the next. He worked hard for what amounted to rather little. Much of it went to his kids back home. America would never be home for him.

Until he could save up enough money and return a raging success, he dwelled in the hidden recesses of high society. He and my Aunt worked for a Senator, entertained at dinners for Hillary Clinton and the Dalai Lama, but none of it seemed to impress my Uncle. He was happy blending into the background, smoking with the other workers in the garage or behind the house. It was a world I found fascinating, as a child, and far more fun than the formal dinner parties and stiff adult talk that sometimes surrounded me.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

A retired man at the office came into work to see his old friends. He was a grandfather now and we had all heard of how the baby had been born missing one of its arms. The parents did not know this until it was delivered. Somehow a cord had wrapped around its arm and stopped the blood flow when it was developing. 

It was difficult to fathom the sadness, shock, and horror of it – the feeling of something so unfair. And yet the creature was alive, would grow up not knowing any other way. The grandfather was sad, anyone could tell, but he beamed with joy, and the strangest mixture of shame and pride. 

Will the child ever know?

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

Two little ones chase each other by the pool. Alighting from the fence, they scurry through the garden, bark chips disheveled in their wake. It is summer. The squirrels seem happy.

Overhead, a hawk waits.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

~ From OCTOBER 2024 ~

You are welcome now. Come and cleanse, wash away the dust and dirt of a dying summer. Capture the pollen with your armies of water droplets, hold them captive then throw them into the dungeon of muddy earth below. 

Lull me to sleep as you wage your war – the bombardment of rain and thunder now a soothing backdrop to an otherwise sleepless night. Drown the annoying buzz of nocturnal insects, muffle the distant trucks, and tramp the trundling trains on their far-away way.

Sleep comes easier with the low rumbling of thunder and the steady light cadence of rain, marching dully onward, tapping delicately against the window, rushing down upon the roof. 

By morning it is over.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…