My naked ass was definitely going to cause a commotion if I posted it on Facebook, so I preemptively censored it as seen below. A big ‘Bleeped’ sticker hides my bare butt in practically its entirety, so I thought it would be ok as there are much more revealing items on social media, especially Facebook. I’ve been down this road before, and while it’s always fun to get a few more clicks (that’s what censorship does for nude posts) it’s still a pain in the, well, you know. 

So I censored it with the sticker as seen below:

A minute after it went up, the FB bots took it down, putting restrictions on my account in some form (I don’t make any money from this site through FB, or any other way for that matter) – and it just annoyed me, so I submitted an appeal for review. Usually those appeals result in no change, and in this case I assumed they would stick to their original judgment that this sticker-clad shot violated the ‘no nudity or sexual activity‘ provision. I carried on with the morning, turning it into some clickbait for people to visit the original post to see what was censored again (thanks for the bump in traffic, FB!) About twenty minutes later, they changed their mind. 

Meanwhile, people can threaten my life, call me ‘faggot’, and tell me my time is limited here on earth. Now that the election has emboldened and empowered the hateful people again, this is just the beginning. There’s a difference the time around, though: the last time this goon got into office, I toned down my posts out of concern for the attacks. This time, I’m going in the opposite direction. 

As Gregory Maguire so presciently wrote: “When the times are a crucible, when the air is full of crisis… those who are most themselves are the victims.”

I’ve never been a victim, and I’m not about to begin. I’m going to be more myself than ever, and put it all up here on the daily. So when you see Facebook shut me down for good, and Instagram soon follows, you know where I’ll be – right here. The same place I was when Facebook and social media as we knew it were born. 

Do not be afraid.

Be yourself. 

Be yourself more than you have ever been before. 

Following a stretch of black and white entries, and all sorts of ‘shades of gray’, this post feels like Dorothy entering Oz from the sepia-toned doldrums of Kansas. Even if it’s less gloriously-shaded than late spring or early summer posts, it manages its own magnificence. Fall thrills differently than spring and summer. It’s strange to see the blue of the pool echo the blue of the sky at such a late date, but our world is sick, and this is one symptom of its slow-burning-up. We’ll get there soon enough, and for those too young to realize it yet, hope you can stay cool. 

The lotus is born amid mess and muck. I try to remember that when stirring up the still waters of the past. The muddy murkiness that results often gets me into trouble for making such a mess, but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Or some bullshit we tell ourselves to make sense of the hurtful. 

Lately I’ve been analyzing things, questions that have arisen over decades of patterns that I’ve only recently seen with a keener sense of such long-range arcs. 

Why have I always felt so uncomfortable around my family? 

Why have I always sought out mother figures?

Why did my most consistent drinking happen during family events? 

Why does the both-sides framing of things trigger me so much?

Why does injustice feel so personal? 

I’m beginning to detect answers as I look over my family history, and see the ways in which we have established, confirmed and exacerbated dysfunctional patterns. I’ve seen where the problem child gets the help and aid, and felt the cool shadow of neglect for doing what is right and expected. I’ve returned rebellious behavior thinking it will turn things in other ways. I’ve brought things up to burn them down and only ever gotten hurt in the telling of truths. 

After some extensive talking in therapy, I see that perhaps stepping back a bit is best for my own self-preservation, and when I look over the past I see that all my behavior has been done with an instinct for survival. Whenever there have been moments of confusion, when things didn’t make sense or felt off, I usually attributed it to me, rather than the systems in place that may have resulted in my predicaments. My default was self-blame, reinforced by guilt and generations of family tradition. Maybe we all fell into those patterns, and took up those roles because they were all we knew. I don’t ever believe anything was intentionally malicious; that doesn’t negate the fact that I’ve been the one consistently hurt, over and over and over again. 

Untangling decades of such confusion isn’t going to happen overnight. It’s also likely to be a one-man-show, as this hasn’t seemed to bother anyone else. Another sign of confirmation, as the only journey over which I have any sense of control is my own. 

While the previous post went back twenty years, this one skirts a little closer and looks back to where this blog was at ten years ago. A lot can happen in a decade, but seeing where November began then puts it closer to where we are now than might be apparent. Still, we have profoundly changed, even if it doesn’t look like it. 

Back then, it sounded like I was losing my mind. Same today. Check.

Back then I needed bifocals. Same today. Check.

Back then I enjoyed an avocado. Same today. Check.

Back then I was already looking back ten years. Same today. Check.

Back then Ben Cohen was an ally. Same today. Check.

Back then I was enamored of ‘Evita’. Same today. Check.

Back then Cafe Madeleine had just opened. Not the same today – it closed a while ago. 

Back then ‘Like A Virgin’ was thirty years old. Not the same today – it’s forty.

Back then I was in love with words. Same today. Check.

Back then I didn’t have a clue about keeping score for a basketball game. Same today. Check. 

Back then I had a party in my pants. Same today. Check. 

Back then I simply didn’t give a fuck. Same today. Check.

Who knew that 2004 would feel like such a quaint time? I don’t think we’ll look back at 2024 with quite the same fondness. While we continue along the corridors of my ‘shades of gray’ project, I am pausing to recall a party we had to celebrate its release – a photo from that night fronts this previous blog post – the featured photo for this post is simply from around that time.

It was a fall night in October, and though we usually saved our big gathering for the holidays, that year we were ambitious and had a party in the fall as well. I don’t remember much from it – other than a good time was had by all, and I had made sausage cheddar meatballs for an appetizer. It was designed to be a cozy night – and I wore an old three-piece gray suit that once belonged to Andy. (Today neither of us could fit into that thing.) 

Outside, fall raged and darkened, but inside there was warmth and light, music and laughter, friends and bonhomie. We created our own coziness, we made our own merriment. The outside world may have seen itself as black and white, but our inner world was all these beautiful shades of gray…

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom