The two pictures posted here were taken approximately ten and twenty years ago respectively. The featured one is from 2014, and the one below, taken on some New York work trip, is from all the way back in 2004. Yes, this blog was around way back then, but thankfully posts that old have been excised long-ago. Unfortunately for 2014, most of those posts are still here – check the archives for reference (or don’t, please). No one likes looking back at their previous selves. 

This is merely a clickbait post for the upcoming finale of the ‘Shades of Gray’ project, also from 2004 and celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. In many ways it feels like another lifetime, but in some of the writing I see that hardy anything has changed. Humanity wavers, people change, but the real changes are subtle and largely undetectable until the perspective of decades builds. 

‘Shades of Gray‘ was one of those works where I got totally emotionally naked behind the guise of other people’s stories, and I’d forgotten about the freedom and joy in that. Maybe it will spark a sequel of sorts, even though I abhor a sequel… 

Lest anyone forget, it’s still technically fall, so while the holiday season is in full effect, the true season remains autumn. To that end, there is still avenging to be done, and with Mercury in retrograde providing the necessary mayhem to throw a tantrum and go giddily unnoticed, now may be the time to release some truth bombs that are too heavy to carry. 

This Fade-To-Black Fall has been like turning the lights off our Coquette Summer with the flip of a switch. It was night and day, white and black, or at least pink and green. I am realizing that it will ultimately prove helpful to acknowledge and experience sadness, regret, anger, and vengeance. All are valid experiences, and all serve a certain purpose. In the past, I’ve held a lot of that in, to my own detriment, and in the end it all came out in various convoluted and mistaken efforts. 

The stress of the holidays can trigger all of that ickiness, stirring up the muck and murky depths of past transgressions and grievances, and deciding to face some of it now is tricky and risky business, perhaps quite foolish business. But the hurt of what haunts us doesn’t retreat for some arbitrary human holiday. Cue the dramatic music, and the unrest of the unmerry gentleman. 

Christmas is, contrary to its reputed lore, not kind to the sad and lonely. If this is the spirit that’s supposed to lift us and cheer us up, God may not be helping us as much as we want to believe. Sensing this, I’ve always found sorrow running through the holidays – in a song, in a mood, and culminating in the shortest day of the year.

Night expands.

Darkness envelops. 

All is black.

All is eloquent loneliness.

A fan.

For a stretch of difficult days. 

For the memory of when the days used to be fabulous. 

For a moment of delusion to save myself from weeping.

For real.

Snapped out of anger.

Snapped out of viciousness.

Snapped out of the fiercest fucker any Christmas has ever seen.

Snapped out of the exasperation and exhilaration of having no more fucks to give.

The yard has suddenly turned stark and barren, brown and lifeless. This will be its wardrobe until spring comes again. There may be snow and ice to cover things from time to time, but things slow and still now, and this will largely be how things look. The stagnation tends to spark a creative flurry, though it’s been a while since inspiration has moved me to do that much. My last official project, ‘Once Upon A Watercolor’ was over five years ago. Simply surviving the age of COVID and all that followed seems to have been a project unto itself. And then there’s this blog. Daily posts and photos don’t just happen without work – and a week’s worth of posts here once populated an entire one of my projects – so I’m basically cranking out a project a week – 52 per year – just think about that. 

I’m fucking tired out. 

But when I step outside and feel the chill, knowing that winter hasn’t even begun yet, I look to the sky for something to inspire me, and a little hole of blue appears in an otherwise-gray firmament. And I feel it… 

If you ever hear me saying any of the things printed on this t-shirt, get to a safer location immediately. (I found this shirt in Maine and got it because I’ve reached the point where I have to laugh at such things or I’ll totally lose my shit.) A few more phrases and their actual translations may be found in this post. It’s helpful to have a pocket translator sometimes, as no one seems to understand tone or context or basic communication.

Anyway, this classy ensemble was what I wore for a quick promo video heralding the low-key arrival of this year’s holiday card, which hits mailboxes starting today. It will be posted here in a few days, without much fanfare, and the only hint I’ll give is that it’s slightly uncharacteristic as far as my typical themes go. It also has the potential to be a complete miss if you haven’t seen the pop culture scene it references, but such is the risk of niche holiday fare. Next year will be the 30th anniversary of my very first holiday card, so this is just a quiet non-event year, the promo of which may make bigger waves than the actual card itself. I like how messed up that is, and it’s fine. Everything is fine.