~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

MENTAL REPLY 1:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: No shit.

MENTAL REPLY 2:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: At least he knows who I am.

MENTAL REPLY 3:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: Are you talking to me?

MENTAL REPLY 4:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: If you only knew…

MENTAL REPLY 5:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: And?

VERBAL REPLY:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: “Fuck you.”

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

Once upon a time I threw a heavy metal toy truck at my brother’s head. It hit him and left a mark. I think there’s still a scar.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

“OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.”

Inside the car, the rain does not matter. Sitting in a parking lot, I watch the drops land on the windshield, rivulets running down the windowpane. There is a sad sense of peace in this moment. I am alone. 

A sign hangs from the rear-view mirror: “IMPORTANT: REMOVE TAG BEFORE VEHICLE IS IN MOTION.”

A parking pass for work. Green and white and checked off (by hand) to the date it expires. As if anyone would ever know. In the seat of the car I let out a sigh. Safe in a mechanical sanctuary as the neon lights blur and bleed.

“DEATH OR SERIOUS INJURY CAN OCCUR.”

This spelled out on a visor. Pennies, dark and discolored, are mired in the sticky syrup of soda spilled long ago. A ghostly shoe-mark of light tan fades gently on the glove compartment. And a brown paper bag hides my poison.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

The wind is changing. Fall will be here soon. And winter. A shift of seasons is in the air, always foreboding. It is the time for Night. Even the days, heavy and crisp, imbued with gray, darken and take on the aspects of eternal evening. The sun is somewhere though.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

What are you doing here? The fifth floor of a parking garage, caged in with the filth of pigeons and the butts of cigarettes, is no place for you. Get. Go on. 

It’s a silly thing. Sluggish. Get out of here. 

Someone will run over it. A small bump in the pavement, a tiny crushed skull. Get now. Find your friends. 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

Most of my childhood memories involve my brother Paul. He had a rather serious case of pneumonia when he was very young and spent a few days in the hospital. I was left alone with the cleaning lady, Deppy, a woman who rarely spoke, and when she did it was in a thick accent, or so my parents told me years later. I was only about four or five myself. I remember lying on the floor of my bedroom and holding a blanket or stuffed animal out of loneliness.

Did I miss my brother, or my Mommy? I didn’t know. I do remember being on the verge of crying at that moment, and then holding it in when I thought Deppy was coming into the room. Or did I let it go and did she hold me? 

When my brother finally came home he had to stay in a plastic tent for a couple of days. I wanted to join him there, and once or twice my parents let me climb in through the flap and peer out of the blurry plastic. It wasn’t fun to watch TV from there though – the images were hazy, and if you stared too long they blurred into oblivion – the plastic tent coming into focus and evicting all outside visions – a vague shadow of our faces, dim and nondescript. But we were together in that fuzzy world, me and my brother, in sickness and in health, bound by blood and joined in familial history.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

Jeff Johnson is chasing me off the stage at McNulty Elementary School. It is the end of a rehearsal for a class play. We are about eleven or twelve years old and just beginning to think we know it all. Jeff is taller and bigger than me; I am a small child.

Barreling into the hallway, thinking Jeff was right behind me, I run into Mr. McKnight, slamming into his torso and laughing out of embarrassment. He is not pleased. Later in the day I get in trouble with my homeroom teacher who backs up her case proclaiming, “Mr. McKnight said you had been acting squirrelly lately.” So there it was, and here I am. 

Squirrelly. Is that even a proper word? At the time I didn’t quite grasp what it meant. Mischievous, troublesome, playful, excitable, energetic… I chatter, I chew, I run, I leap. I make far too much noise on some days and no sound at all on others. I’m just a kid. 

There are worse things than being considered squirrelly.

(It turns out that it is indeed a proper word. I looked it up.)

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

A rustling in the trees signals they are near. One small gray ghost lands on the fence, padding stealthily from post to post and then leaping into a pine tree. From limb to limb, sharp claws tenaciously hold the creature high in its aerial pursuit. 

Another drops to the ground, this little gray ghost not much more than a puff of smoke and gone just as quickly. A bouncing tail retreats Ito the leaves and an acorn falls from the sky.

Silence.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

   ~ ~ ~  f r o m   O C T O B E R    2 0 0 4 ~ ~ ~

Buying chocolates. A whim purchase Annoying child ahead of me, and two smiling parents. I do not like children. The kid is clearly not in need of another chocolate, but the cashier behind the counter knows the family and gives one away for free. What about me? Insult to injury, they strike up a conversation as I thrust my bag of chocolates onto the counter with an agitated sigh. Is this a store or a social hour?

“How is your summer going?” the mother asks the cashier. She is blond, with dark streaks showing through. Her husband wears glasses and smiles kindly, occupied slightly by the child and her free chocolate truffle. 

“It’s going all right now,” the dark-haired cashier answers with a broad retail smile. “I had a rough couple of months,” she continues, and then in a half-whisper, “I had a miscarriage.”

Two feet from me, and not trying to hide it, she blurts this out. 

“But I am over it. now.” She forces out another smile. “So what brings you to the mall tonight?”

The blonde mother pauses. “The maternity store.” It seems an odd moment to reveal a new pregnancy, but she does anyway. 

The cashier’s smile doesn’t waver. I watch closely to see if it does. It still looks forced, but it doesn’t break. She hands me my change and I start walking toward the door. Out of the corner of my eye I see her walk around and give the blonde woman a hug. 

In the mall I wonder which is more obscene – the cashiers rudimentary confession – so casual, so flippant (but who is anyone to say?) or the blonde woman’s maternity admission – should she have waited until a more appropriate moment? Of course none of it was any of my business, and even if it was I probably wouldn’t have known what to say.

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost

A Bagel in Boston