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Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

A Church Visit Thwarted

It had been a couple of months since I last stopped in at St. Mary’s in downtown Albany, so the other day at lunch I buttoned up my coat, slung a scarf around my neck, and walked up the hill in the direction of the church. I used to go there in the summer before and after Dad died. It was a small moment of comfort in days of sorrow.

On this January afternoon, the sky was blue and the sun was shining, but there wasn’t much warmth in the air. At least there wasn’t much wind either. I hadn’t been moving a lot in my post-holiday slump, and my calves burned as I neared the top of the hill. This was where I served jury duty in that awful murder case. Walking past the courthouse no longer left me with a haunted feeling, it was just another marker of a memory, another piece of the past living only in my head, like summer in the middle of winter

My contemplative mood melted into relief that I’d arrived at the church. I reached for the heavy door, but it was locked. On this day, not even God would let me in. I paused there in the  shadow of the doorway, then headed back down the hill. 

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #174 – ‘Crazy’ ~ Summer 2019

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

The Madonna Timeline is on a bit of a ‘Madame X’ kick of late, with the most recent entry being ‘God Control‘, and this one moving on to ‘Crazy’. One of the most charming and effervescent tracks of that album, ‘Crazy’ brings me happily back to the summer of 2019, a time that feels more quaint and sunny when you realize it was all in the months right before a worldwide deadly pandemic. In so many ways, that summer feels like one of the last great summers, and all the summers since then have been trying to achieve something similar, and all to no success. Maybe I’ve just grown up beyond having a carefree summer. Maybe last summer simply ruined it for me. I don’t know. What I do understand is that there is power in music – and power in this pretty little song. 

I spent all night waiting upIt’s gonna be the last night I wait up for youSpent a long time wakin’ upUsed to think that I was not enough for you
Now I see that I’m just way too muchYou got your hands full, I’m misunderstoodNow I see that I’m who I can trustAnd you got a lot of room, you tryin’ to make it good
But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me onceI guess it’s shame on youSay now if you think I’ve been foolish and youKeep on trying to do it, baby, Imma switch the plans on you
‘Cause you’re driving me crazyYou must think I’m crazy

The start of the summer of 2019 was spent in gleeful anticipation of the ‘Madame X’ album – one of the first true summer albums released by Madonna since I can’t remember when (perhaps the most notable one being ‘True Blue’). The magic had begun with ‘Medellin‘ and while some of the album was gloriously experimental, Madonna still knew her way around a heady hook and a magical melody, which she melded with some strong Portuguese influence on ‘Crazy’. 

And I won’t let you drive me cray-ay-ay-ay-zyAnd I won’t let you drive me crazyVocê não vai me por tão lo-o-o-oucaVocê não vai me por tão louca

Starting the season as early as possible, I remember painting some of our worn backyard plant stands and furniture a bright yellow, unifying the accents with the curtains hanging from the canopy that year. They would be excellent foil for the garishly-colored pots I was using, forming a vibrant fiesta of color and bold hues that would help to make a celebration of summer. All the while, I played the ‘Madame X’ album on repeat, burning these beautiful songs into a summer memory

I bent my knees for you like a prayerMy God, look at me nowPulled off my weakness layer after layerNothing left for me to keep ’round
I’m a force that I won’t tame, babeCan’t go through this and stay the same, babeI’ve seen a lot of stranger things, babeAnd I’ll never look at you the same
But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me onceI guess it’s shame on youSay now if you think I’ve been foolish and you keepOn trying to do it, baby, Imma switch the plans on you
‘Cause you’re driving me crazyYou must think I’m crazyVocê me põe tão loucaVocê pensa que eu sou louca
And I won’t let you drive me crazy-ay-ay-ay-ay-zyAnd I won’t let you drive me crazyVocê não vai me por tão lo-o-o-oucaVocê não vai me por tão louca

Once the patio was put together and looking pretty, the canopy assembled and providing some shade, and the pool swirling its chlorinated warmth in circles of wavering blue and aqua, Andy and I would pause and take it all in, enjoying this little oasis in the midst of upstate New York, our own little escape from the rest of the world. His adamant desire to have a pool paid off, and I’ve always been grateful for that. Madonna sang her songs crafted halfway round the world, and they matched the surroundings and the time perfectly. 

I put you on a pedestal but statues, they can fallFelt so safe, I let you drive me straight into the wallPaid the hell you dealt me, thought you felt meWas never good at games, now I just forget your name
But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me onceI guess it’s shame on youSay now if you think I’ve been foolish and you keepOn trying to do it, baby, Imma switch the plans on you
‘Cause you’re driving me crazyYou must think I’m crazy

Summer ended all too quickly that year, though we didn’t realize it then. It was just another summer in a long line of summers, and there would always be such summers to come, wouldn’t there? I wish I’d known so I could have held onto it a little longer. Strike that – I’m glad we didn’t know. There was nothing to mar the happiness of the moment. 

If that makes me crazy, so be it.

Song #174 – ‘Crazy’ ~ Summer 2019

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A Winter Song Before the Drifts

Winter songs, at least the ones I am enjoying at the moment, should be quieter moments, acoustic-like and simple, with perhaps a bit of a dour undercurrent. Especially before the onslaught of a winter storm, such as in the predicament in which we currently find ourselves in New York. Here’s a comforting one to pass the morning, a gorgeous bit of music by the aptly-named Zach Winters:

January 6 is also often referred to as the saddest day of the year, so this song resonates a little deeper. I’m leaning into the sadness this winter, finding ways of co-existing with it rather than fighting or trying to distract myself with other bits of whimsy and frivolity. My life provides enough of those – I want to focus on the melancholy – not get drowned or bogged down by it – but simply experience it, feel it, let it wreak its stretches of crying, let it wring the tears and allow them to fall. Such salty water is heavy, and better drained than retained. 

I’m also learning to accept love from others as a way of working through the heartache. Andy came home with our first pot of hyacinths for the season – a trio of violet bulbs that began blooming almost the second he brought them in the door. They smelled of spring, of hope, of a time less foreboding. They felt like a hug from my husband – always welcome, always needed. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Today’s PSA for the conservation-minded:

If it’s yellow, let it mellow.

If it’s brown, flush it down.

#TinyThreads

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Dazzler of the Day: Jeremy Allen White

Show-stopping performances seem to come naturally for Jeremy Allen White, who earns his first Dazzler of the Day crowning for being the current ambassador of the legendary Calvin Klein underwear brand. More impressively, he’s been part of several cultural touchstones of the past year – ‘The Bear’ and ‘The Iron Claw’ – which simply cements his dazzling status. [See other CK Ambassadors Shawn Mendes, Maluma, and Noah Centineo for further viewing pleasures.]

 

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Shirtless Pecs Appeal

Lest anyone think this site has gone all serious and somber – BAM! – here’s your shirtless post with more than a few salacious links, starting out with Glen Powell’s recent streak of nakedness in service of his latest movie ‘Anyone But You’. (Full booty shot of a nude Glen Powell here.) Everyone loves a little male nudity

Taking the world by storm as the latest Dr. Who, Ncuti Gatwa made a splash in his first Dazzler of the Day crowning here.

Zac Efron has a long list of links in which he’s appeared shirtless and half-naked and semi-naked and fully-naked (even if it’s not fully-frontal). 

Singing the praises of Lenny Kravitz is a popular endeavor, and someone so beloved across all musical realms more than deserves this Dazzler of the Day crowning

Chris Meloni can always be counted on for some bodacious butt service, as evidenced from many a naked Meloni search

Setting things even hotter in this shirtless greeting for the weekend is Wilson Cruz, who changed my life with his groundbreaking turn in ‘My So-Called Life’. Checking him out today is even better. 

Final shirtless honors go to today’s upcoming Dazzler, Jeremy Allen White, whose new Calvin Klein underwear ads are making a big splash across the internet. Check back here in a few hours for more of this action.

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Someone just posted that “January is the Monday of the year” and that feels so very true.

#TinyThreads

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Dazzler of the Day: Antoni Porowski

Continuing our celebration of the upcoming return of ‘Queer Eye’, Antoni Porowski earns his first Dazzler of the Day, thanks to a career spanning all forms of infotainment. Check out Antoni’s website here for a more comprehensive view of his accomplishments, and read the literature found there:

Antoni Porowski is a New York Times Bestselling author, host and executive producer of Netflix’s Easy-Bake Battle culinary competition series and the upcoming docuseries No Taste Like Home from Studio Ramsay Global for National Geographic, and star of Netflix’s award-winning hit Queer Eye. Coming up, Antoni is developing a feature film, entitled Girls and Boys, for Netflix with Black-ish creator Kenya Barris. The film is loosely based on Antoni’s real-life dating experiences as a sexually fluid man.

A self-taught cook, Antoni is a four-time Emmy nominee for his role as Queer Eye’s resident food & wine expert. The hit series has won the Emmy Award for “Outstanding Structured Reality Program” for five consecutive years, breaking the current category record for most wins.

Antoni brings his lifelong passion for food to Yummers, his pet food brand cofounded alongside Queer Eye castmate Jonathan Van Ness and pet industry veteran Rebecca Frechette Rudisch.

Born in Canada to European emigrants, Antoni is an outspoken advocate for LGBTQ+ rights everywhere, especially his family’s native Poland where he serves on the board of the Equaversity Foundation, which was established to organize international fundraising to support the LGBTQ+ community there. 

 

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Hope Among the Fallen

Our variegated ficus plant will shirk off a round of leaves at various points in the year, often preceding a growth spurt. At first this alarmed me, and I wondered at what sort of atmospheric change I had instigated to result in that flush of fallen leaves. (Ficus are notoriously abhorrent of the slightest change in situation, but will usually come around if given time to acclimate, and if the change in atmosphere still provides them with bright indirect light and decent humidity.) Immediately after it shed that first showering of leaves, fresh ones appeared – and ever since then I’ve understood and slowly learned to appreciate this cycle of life. 

Our plant usually goes through a few shifts in growth during the year, and the happiest one occurs right now, as the earliest signifier of longer daylight hours and the impending approach of spring. Another batch of new leaves is on the way, and more plentiful than the ones that have fallen. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Karamo Brown

The new season of ‘Queer Eye’ debuts on Netflix January 24, and with it the return of Karamo Brown as their “culture expert” – a coveted position indeed, and one that solidified Brown’s place on the pop-culture map (following a turn on MTV’s ‘The Real World: Philadelphia’ back when MTV mattered). Today he earns his first Dazzler of the Day crowning for those pioneering efforts, as well as an appearance in Taylor Swift‘s ‘You Need to Calm Down’ video, and his memoir ‘Karamo: My Story of Embracing Purpose, Healing, and Hope’. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

By saying you ‘own’ some sort of awful or egregious action or behavior, you do not exonerate yourself from it. In fact, your ‘owning’ of it simply implies that you knew it was wrong, but you did it anyway. That just makes you an asshole. 

#TinyThreads

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The Beauty of Black Tea in A Fragrance

Le Labo has been on the periphery of my olfactory radar for many years. I first experienced the sumptuous scent of their products at one of the fancier hotels I was once lucky enough to stay at, where it was their signature Santal 33 that wafted its lovely fragrance through some bath gel. As pretty as it was, I was also keenly aware that Santal 33 was to the 2010’s what CK One was to the 1990’s – and in both instances I wanted nothing to do with something so ubiquitous and pervasive. (Witness Santal’s continued influence on the fragrance market with its reference in the now-canonical ‘Red, White & Royal Blue‘ gay rom-com.) 

With that in mind, I still managed to stumble into the world of Le Labo online, and got stuck one afternoon reading about the various fragrances they offered in addition to Santal, and one of them – Thé Noir 29 – spoke to me in a way that most of the colognes that have become staples in my fragrance wardrobe first spoke to me. The literature checked off about five of my favorite note boxes, and added some I didn’t even realize I adored:

THÉ NOIR 29 combines depth and freshness, softness and strength through permanent oscillation between the light of bergamot, fig, and bay leaves and the depth of cedarwood, vetiver, and musk. A special extraction of black tea leaves wraps up the composition by bringing to the formula a dry, leafy, hay, tobacco feeling in the dry down to transform this creation into a sensuous and addictive essence.

This wasn’t my first brush with a tea fragrance, as ‘Bamboo Harmony’ by Kilian is a treasured spring scent that came loaded with happy memories. Still, I wasn’t prepared for how much I would love this, and for me, on my skin, it really is the tea that shines. The opening accents of bergamot and fig appeal to my life-long love of citrus, and a relatively-new-found love of fruity elements, while the cedarwood, bay leaves, and tea keep it from going too sweet; it’s an exquisite balancing act that only the best fragrances achieve.

I also detect a smoky rose note that offers enchanting echoes of two classics: Tom Ford’s ‘Oud Fleur’ and Frederic Malle’s ‘Portrait of a Lady‘. More deliciously, there is some sandalwood buried in the architecture of ‘Thé Noir 29’, a very happy hint of ‘Santal Blush‘ and ‘Ébène Fumé‘, two other Ford favorites. With all these glorious intersecting lines and memories, ‘Thé Noir 29’ looks to occupy a prominent place on my cologne shelf. 

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The Very First Rosy Recap of the Year

Our last recap came a day late, and this one follows suit, the way that New Year’s Day always follows Christmas. I’m fine with that, as the very last thing I need or want right now is a fucking recap, but before we belly-flop into the new year, let’s take one last look at the final week of 2023… 

It began sadly with the loss of my Dad’s older brother, capping off a relatively awful year of deaths. 

A Christmas moon provided fitting beauty for Christmas Day. 

At the same time, the sun was setting on our first Christmas without Dad

A smorgasbord of all teasing, no pleasing.

This vintage photo always tickles me, mostly because I’m still itching for a proper romper. 

Finding something amid the funk.

I finally got around to giving a quick run-down of this year’s Boston Children’s Holiday Hour, which is in need of revamp if only for the fact that no one is a child anymore. 

The Dazzlers of the Day who closed out the year were Emerson Collins, Josh Hutcherson, Ncuti Gatwa, JC Chasez and Lenny Kravitz.

The year ended with this single Year-in-Review post because 2023 needs to be left behind and forgotten as soon as possible. 

As a sign of hope, these roses were a gift from Andy to cheer me up. I like entering the year on that note. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Patrick Mahomes

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes is our very first Dazzler of the Day for 2024, just in time for the football season to reach its crescendo. Along with Taylor Swift’s boyfriend, Mahomes has been an integral part of the successes the Chiefs have enjoyed over the past few seasons. According to our resident football expert Skip, he “dazzles not just in dozens of ads for countless products, but also on the field. In only six years he has already been crowned both Super Bowl Champion and the League’s most valuable player twice.” 

[PS – I am well aware that Travis Kelce is more than Taylor Swift’s boyfriend – he’s also a previous Dazzler of the Day – it’s just fun to pretend we live in a Taylor World, because we actually do.] 

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