Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Haunted Posts

“Haunted” is a very good word.

“Haunting” is too. 

And neither need refer to the macabre or sinister side of life. 

Not all ghosts are scary. 

To that end, on this Halloween evening, let us revisit a few ‘haunted’ posts from the past. Each is a mystery in its own way, sometimes just through the simple inclusion of it on this list. See which ones haunt you

Haunted by a boy lost.

Pavement ghost.

Ghosts of Thanksgivings past.

Haunted by the boy who was killed for being gay.

The day they said I would die.

When vanity lies another way.

A lover of attention.

A haunting, empty vault.

The burning of fall.

Ghost-town.

Hangover hunger.

Your love is killing me.

Savannah still haunting.

We’re all a little broken now.

What child is this and why is he talking to me?

Once upon a time in your wildest dreams.

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Dazzler of the Day: Kristin Chenoweth

It was 1997 when I first fell under the theatrical spell Kristin Chenoweth casts whenever she takes the stage. Back then, she was featuring in the Kander and Ebb musical ‘Steel Pier’ and her role as Precious was a highlight of that under-rated show. Ever since then, I’ve been a die-hard Chenoweth fan, a status confirmed and solidified further when we got to see her bubbling away as Galinda in the original Broadway cast of ‘Wicked’. She recently released a new book ‘ I’m No Philosopher But I Got Thoughts’ – a reference to her scene-stealing turn in ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown’. Check that out, as well as upcoming tour dates, on her website here. This marks a very overdue debut as Dazzler of the Day.

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A Spooky Look Through a Peep-Hole

Dear Reader – Despite the chilling date, and the supposed proximity of the spirit world on this very date, I cannot reveal the specific background that brought me to the spooky image you may be analyzing here. As part of my holiday card, the origin and reason for Suzie and I having stumbled upon this frightening visage must be kept under wraps until the holiday season. As such, it shall remain shrouded in mystery and intrigue, and perhaps that’s more fitting on this particular day. Not all mysteries are meant to be solved. 

I will say that the image captured here was an accident, an unintentional catch that was more of a lark and something to do while Suzie was setting up the shot, and we didn’t really make much of it until later on, when we were inspecting the shots. It was then that the clearer version below came into view. 

There is no more to say on it until we get into the holiday card. As for Halloween, it’s my day off. Always has been, ever since I was mistaken for a vampire on an average Wednesday night at Hannford. When your customary attire is considered a costume, Halloween is amateur hour

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A Wickedly Wonderful Anniversary

The musical ‘Wicked’ celebrates its 20th year on Broadway today, and it’s hard to believe that twenty years have passed since Andy and I first got to see Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth soar through the Minskoff Theater. Back then, my critic knife was out, and while I was totally wrong about ‘Wicked’ weathering the years, I stand by my original (minor) critiques of the show. They certainly didn’t keep us from seeing it multiple times over the years, and sometimes you have to give in to what’s ‘Popular’ and simply enjoy the moment for what it is. 

Next fall will see the long-awaited movie version of the show, and instead of dreading or doubting, I’m going in with an open mind and hopeful embracing of what it might be. 

 

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Dazzler of the Day: Idina Menzel

Broadway’s original Elphaba, as well as Disney’s original belter for their iconic ‘Let It Go’ from ‘Frozen’, Idina Menzel has imprinted her stamp on the pop culture legacy with those two distinct musical performances. That alone would more than earn her this Dazzler of the Day honor, but Menzel has created much more in her storied career, including her role as Maureen in the original cast of ‘Rent’ – the musical that put her on the map and into the hearts of many of us musical lovers. She recently released a dynamic album, ‘Drama Queen’, that perfectly encapsulates where she is now, and where she’s been for much of her amazing journey. Check it out through her website here

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

All this time I’ve been trying to find a parking space in downtown Albany I could have just sidled onto the sidewalk with my Mini-Cooper and solved the whole issue. Good to know!

#TinyThreads

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Dazzler of the Day: Seth Rudetsky

Broadway aficionado, and theatrical showstopper in his own right, Seth Rudetsky has been dazzling audiences throughout his storied career. Not only has he performed in myriad Broadway shows, he’s written a number of books on the subject, and his passion for performance – and performers – is unparalleled. He handily earns this Dazzler of the Day feature for continuing to impress and astound – check out his website here for further evidence of his brilliance. 

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Parade Preview

Entering the fall of one’s life is not something that usually happens without incident or reflection, and finding myself not-so-suddenly at the age of 48, I realize that there are probably more days behind me than are ahead of me. Cresting over this hump of middle age is, somewhat strangely, not something that has caused much consternation or worry. In a number of distinct ways, the overriding feeling is one of gratitude. Honestly, I never thought I’d make it past thirty – there were so many moments fraught with willful self-annihilation, so many times when I gave up on myself, when I actually set out to destroy the young man I couldn’t quite stop myself from becoming. 

A song then, on the piano, for the boy I used to be. (All those years of piano lessons, and still I could never play like this.) A song, too, for the man I’ve somehow become, in spite of my weaker efforts, and because of my strongest. 

One doesn’t reach a place of gratitude from mindfulness or meditation alone, or from the luck of leading a very charmed and privileged life. One has to suffer a bit, go through a few things, build some character, and maybe approach oblivion couple of times. The debilitating struggle of not feeling like you belong, of not feeling wanted, of not being understood at the most basic level – those things chips away at the innocence and exuberance of childhood. If you’ve only ever felt you were at the margins of life when you were a kid, you never really quite feel like you belong anywhere – at least, you don’t until you can find yourself, and find your own worth. It’s that shaky and unsteady ground that many gay people feel themselves on at one point or another – that moment when coming out might cost you friendship or love or life. 

Such a strange thing, that unsteadiness, and the dizzying lack of some feeling of belonging – and then of thinking you don’t belong anywhere unless you’re there at the center of it all, marching in some grand parade, embraced and hoisted on the shoulders not because different, but because you’re just like everyone else. You belong. 

Everyone’s eyes are on the spectacle of it – the music and the pomp and the majesty of a march – and we lose ourselves in watching it go by, not looking around to see all the people next to us – eyes only on the chosen few, missing the real connections, the true threads of life running through our journey. I thought I wanted to be in that parade. I thought that would make me belong.

So I made myself into my own parade – a grotesque, ridiculous, carnival of outlandish proportion compared to my trifling lot in life. It was but one of the many demons I conjured in the name of survival. A celebration of me to mask the utter lack of believing I deserved one. 

There came a time when all those demons became my friends, when they stopped fighting me and turned their formidable powers against the outer world. Suddenly I could charge ahead with a battalion behind me, a support system the likes of which I never knew or got when I was growing up. 

Like all demons, however, they proved problematic, deceptive in their perceived power, and ultimately deserting me when I needed them the most. Empty shells and vaporous ghosts, the scariest forms of imagined life, they were all in my head, all made-up and false crutches to get me through. Sometimes they did, but in the end they couldn’t do what I needed them to do. 

The parade marched onward, and I watched it go… 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Sometimes this blog is just about filling in the blanks: blank space, blank posts, blank screen.

Most of the time it’s more like Mad Libs. 

#TinyThreads

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A Real or Imagined Fall Forest Fantasy

Taking life into a macro-level view always results in further mystery and intrigue, which aligns with the general cloak and veil aspect of the fall season. A circle of toadstools, a pair of acorns, or the umbrage of a mushroom rising seemingly overnight – these are but a few of the magical pulls of autumn. They lend an enchantment to the forest floor amid the business of preparing for the slumber of winter. 

There is a frenzied increase in the activities of squirrels and chipmunks now. Their summer days spent playing and chasing one another have been supplanted by the rushed stocking of their winter pantries. Acorns and nuts are dug and collected, then hidden somewhere else – the machinations of a squirrel’s plan for winter are still mysterious to me, and still a wonder to watch. 

The ground is filled with life at this time of the year, if you bother to bend down and look a little closer. There is dampness here, and with water comes life. Any dry and barren dirt has been given a more hospitable constitution, and life finds a way. 

Ask Jeff Goldblum

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A Family Birthday Dinner for Andy

Jaxon celebrated his Uncle Andy’s birthday by presenting him with a plastic bus, a couple of books, and a little baseball. Our family had a belated birthday dinner for Andy – lasagna and cheesecake courtesy of Mom – and it was a lovely gathering on a cozy Sunday afternoon. As the daylight grows shorter and the wind grows colder, and we find our way in this new section of life, such dinners are important. They provide comfort and a time to connect with family

In the featured photo, astute and detail-oriented viewers will quickly find the photo-bomb by Taylor Swift of all people. Meanwhile, the second pic is in the aftermath of Andy prematurely blowing out his candles before we had barely begun singing Happy Birthday in an effort to stop the song from happening. Noah can be seen stifling a laugh, and the song went ahead anyway. You can’t stop a birthday, anymore than you can still time. 

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Out of the Woods Again

In honor of Taylor Swift’s release of ‘1989 (Taylor’s Version), I’m posting my favorite track from the album (‘Blank Space‘ is a very close second, and on days when I’m feeling especially crazy it might be number one). But I digress, and must remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy. ‘Out of the Woods’ has what I consider to be the greatest bridge of any Swift song, which is saying a lot when you consider the likes of ‘Cruel Summer’. Still, I give the edge to ‘Woods’. And there I go comparing again… 

Looking at it nowIt all seems so simpleWe were lying on your couchI remember
You took a Polaroid of usThen discovered(Then discovered)The rest of the world was black and whiteBut we were in screaming colorAnd I remember thinking…

In celebration of the woods, we are revisiting the forest, where fall comes into its own with the following links. 

A meditative walk in the woods.

The Wood Witch.

Different kind of wood.

Wood, unfelled and feared.

Over the river and through the woods.

At the edge of the woods.

Morning wood.

Remember when we couldn’t take the heat?I walked out, I said “I’m setting you free”But the monsters turned out to be just treesWhen the sun came up you were looking at me…

A walk in the woods.

When the veil is thinnest

Where the veil is thinnest

Why the veil is thinnest

Walking in the Maine woods.

Red riding wood 1.

Red riding wood 2.

Red riding wood 3.

Red riding wood 4.

Red riding wood 5.

Falling into the past.

Are we out of the woods yet?Are we out of the woods yet?Are we out of the woods yet?Are we out of the woods?

Are we in the clear yet?Are we in the clear yet?Are we in the clear yet?In the clear yet, good!

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A Low-Key Spooky Weekend Begins

Our friend JoAnn is visiting us from Cape Cod this weekend, and the stage has been set for a casual and low-key weekend of cozy food and fun, the very best way old friends find joy in the world. Once upon time we’d have been gearing up with an abundance of booze and party plans, non-stop social whirlwinds that left me mostly stressed and breathless. They served their purpose for that specific point in time, but both JoAnn and myself have grown beyond that. We find comfort in quieter and more meaningful connections now. 

This weekend we are making a trip to the Armour-Stiner Octagon House in Irvington, NY. JoAnn has wanted to visit this place for a long time, and we are finally able to do it after a summer of set-backs. While that’s our marquee goal, in all likelihood the weekend’s most magical moments will be in the simple joys of comfort food and a viewing of ‘Practical Magic’. That’s the way it usually unfolds, and that’s the best way to spend a weekend. 

…Velvet pumpkins, apple cider silks, and scarves to make Stevie Nicks proud… a fall weekend of enchantment convenes now… 

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Dazzler of the Day: Hari Nef

Being a Barbie is all about perfection, and even when such an impossible standard is set, it’s the trying that achieves wonders. Hari Nef has been succeeding in wonder and astonishment all of her life, which is why she earns this Dazzler of the Day. The actress, model and writer has appeared in ‘Transparent’ and ‘Barbie’, as well as ‘Assassination Nation’ and ‘The Idol’. She’s also walked on numerous runways for her modeling career, and appeared in several magazine cover moments. 

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