Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

The Month for Meditation

If ever there was a month ripe and receptive to meditation, it is this one. January arrives and the best way of dealing with the post-holiday blues is to clean house and dive deeply into a meditation practice. Personally, I find it much easier to sit in still and quiet while the outside window reveals the gray and brown dreary landscape of winter as opposed to the vibrant verdant expanse of spring and summer. And so I sit, lotus-style, once a day, for about twenty minutes, slowing my breathing and entering a state of mindfulness

My meditations most often occur after work, when I’m home, and the day begins to cross into the night. I like being in a meditative state when such darkness descends – it makes it easier to bear. There’s also something calming about it, the way the sky slowly and then quickly drains of its light and any color it might have conjured during the day. As the room dims, the candle becomes the central focus point, flickering its light and enveloping the surroundings with a gentle sense of warmth. It all conspires to further the meditative mode. 

All such atmospheric conditions aside, it is not the setting or the scene that matters, as my eyes remain gently closed for most of my meditation. It is, first and foremost, the breathing that counts. Then it is the state of releasing my thoughts and making contact with the mindfulness that clues me into the present moment in heightened form. At the same time, I feel as though I have been taken out of the trappings of the daily grind, transported to a plane of peace and stillness, blessedly relieved of the worldly concerns of a day. It is here where the magic of meditation happens for me

Accessing this space of blankness, where the mind has allowed all its worrisome thoughts – good and bad and everything in-between – to be recognized and then released, is the key to how meditation helps me beyond that particular moment. Inhabiting that mindful and yet beautifully empty place allows my mind and body to feel a sense of peace that it never gets to feel. It’s like the most exquisite, and healthy, drug trip, without any of the negative effects. Once I began to feel such release, I understood it was possible to access it at almost any time through being mindful. And so my practice extends beyond the twenty minutes, into the days and nights of a January where everything else feels dismal and depressing. 

It’s a method of making it through the winter.

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Dazzler of the Day: Katie Phang

‘The Katie Phang Show’ moves to its new time slot – Saturdays at 12 PM EST on MSNBC starting January 13, and now feels like a fine time to crown Katie Phang as Dazzler of the Day. As a successful trial lawyer, she comes armed with more knowledge than the majority of news hosts these days, and offers a refreshingly honest take on news items, backed by facts and law – something many in the media seem to be dismissing as we teeter on the edge of destroying our democracy. We need voices like hers more than ever. 

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All Rose, No Leather

The rose has come to signify many things throughout history, and in my exceedingly short history here on earth it has been a source of multiple memories and inspirations. My very first rose memory was of our neighbors across the street, and their magnificent rose garden. It sat formally behind a meticulously-manicured hedge of privet, hidden from the distant road, and backed by a tall row of arborvitae. One side was walled by the golden brick of their garage, and the other was more naturally bordered by shrubs and trees. Inside it felt like a little secluded garden room, and it was here where various roses bloomed, centered by a magnificent old-fashioned shrub rose, with single pink blooms that appeared in profuse fashion to make up for their gorgeous simplicity. 

From there, the memory shifts to when I was a little older, and I’d convinced my parents to purchase a collection of Jackson & Perkins roses, which arrived in frightening barefoot form, their bulky crowns still caked with a bit of mud, their branches thick and ready to swell with growth. I made the mistake of soaking them in my parents’ bathtub, which quickly lined itself with a thick coating of dirt and muddy water. No one was thrilled with that, but I was sure that the show I was planning for the front and side garden would make up for that. 

When only two red bushes deigned to bloom later that season, my heart sank. Having followed all the planting directions, I was dismayed to find them underperforming, a lesson in location as well as the whims of certain summer seasons in upstate New York. 

I’d veered away from them after that, until I met Andy, who grew roses in his backyard like some magical prince. His living room, where he would sit in quiet contemplation late at night, usually held a single rose in a bud vase beside his favored chair, brought me back to the magic of roses. His Mom grew them as well, and I watched and learned his tips for dealing with blackspot and less-than-prolific bloomers. 

When we moved into out current home, we hastened to put in a few roses where we had the space and sun, but lacking in regular circulation during hot and humid summers, our tea hybrids simply didn’t thrive. Instead, we found a climber and some shrub roses to make up for them. Roses will not grow where they don’t wish to grow, and there’s no coaxing them into it. I learned to appreciate that lesson after years of pretending it wasn’t so. 

These days, we mostly enjoy our roses from the florist’s shop, where we can pick and choose and guarantee a bold bouquet of blooms at any time of the year. The last few days I’ve also been favoring my rose-scented frags in an effort to conjure some notion of summer, even if it’s just in my head and through my nose. ‘Rose & Cuir’ by Frederic Malle is a happy reminder of one of the last winters we had with Dad – I wore it to their house while I spent a day with him, and it remains a giddy memory. 

‘Rose de Russie’ by Tom Ford is a slightly more sultry take on the rose, while his ‘Oud Fleur’ simply smolders. Speaking of smoldering, ‘Portrait of a Lady’, another exquisite offering from Frederic Malle, is one of the most gorgeous scents I own, and comes with its own memories and connotations. 

That a single flower should have such sway and influence is a happy thing indeed. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Da’Vine Joy Randolph

Fresh off a Golden Globe win for her transcendent performance in one of my favorite movies of the previous year, ‘The Holdovers’, Da’Vine Joy Randolph earns her first Dazzler of the Day. I still remember her scene-stealing turn in the guilty holiday pleasure that is ‘Office Christmas Party’, but ‘The Holdovers’ shows what she can really do. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

I love Taylor as much as the next Swiftie, but her recent quote on Kim Kardashian sadly doesn’t hold much truth.

Trash doesn’t always take itself out – in fact, literal or metaphorical, it most often must be thrown out with force and effort. (Hopefully this applies to the Republican Presidential nominee.)

#TinyThreads

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Dazzler of the Day: Mark Consuelos

Husband of Kelly Ripa and friend of Andy Cohen, Mark Consuelos has a pretty impressive circle of friends and family, but it’s his own charismatic talent, and current hosting duties on ‘Live with Kelly and Mark’ that earn him this Dazzler of the Day

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In Madonna We Celebrate

Madonna has been through a hell of a lot in the last year – not the least of which was a literal brush with death just a scant few months ago. For her to simply be here at all is a miracle for which we should be grateful – to have her putting on such a show as her current ‘Celebration’ tour (due in Boston today and tomorrow, when I get to see her for the first time since the rousing ‘Rebel Heart Tour’) is blessing and reason enough for great gratitude. 

She has said that she wasn’t sure she’d make it, and if Madonna was unsure of herself, that certainly shook those of us who have always relied on her as a bastion of iconic pop royalty, sometimes faltering but never falling. She claimed it was the thought of her children that pulled her through, and in that admission was the often-hinted-at notion that Madonna was human after all. Some of us have known that forever, and loved her all the more for it. We were simply waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. 

And so when I saw the first few clips of her ‘Celebration Tour’, my heart rejoiced and rebounded. Our Lady of Perpetual Inspiration was still intact, still inspiring, and still bringing the world joy and music and spectacle and escapism – the very tenets of her first ‘Dreams Do Come True’ mantra from those lovely ‘Like A Virgin‘ days. I remember them well, as I do each musical step she has taken since then, and as I caught a little glimpse of ‘Crazy For You‘ I felt the tears well up just a little bit. And then I remembered that it was always best to trust in her journey.

Trust in the ecstatic process.

Trust in the liturgical legacy.

Trust in the icon she has been and always will be.

Above all else, trust in Madonna.

No one does it better, and no one ever will.

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21 Years of Navel Gazing

Way back in 2008 blogs were changing their dirty reputation into something that would crest and soon enough ebb as all social media tends to do over the long arc of time. For me, it was a little boost and boon of viewers and readers, but not something that I particularly cared about or sought out, as this site has never made me a dime. I’m here because I like to create and share and work out my own demons through whatever expression I find works best. 

This year is the 21st year of ALANILAGAN.com, so yay for me and everyone who has helped along the way (and there are many, as I still know little to nothing about programming or HTML or even if that’s used anymore). Last year we had our celebratory 20th anniversary, as seen in the following list of links that honored two decades in the navel-gazing/blogging business. Revisit them as you like on this snowy Sunday.

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A Church Visit Thwarted

It had been a couple of months since I last stopped in at St. Mary’s in downtown Albany, so the other day at lunch I buttoned up my coat, slung a scarf around my neck, and walked up the hill in the direction of the church. I used to go there in the summer before and after Dad died. It was a small moment of comfort in days of sorrow.

On this January afternoon, the sky was blue and the sun was shining, but there wasn’t much warmth in the air. At least there wasn’t much wind either. I hadn’t been moving a lot in my post-holiday slump, and my calves burned as I neared the top of the hill. This was where I served jury duty in that awful murder case. Walking past the courthouse no longer left me with a haunted feeling, it was just another marker of a memory, another piece of the past living only in my head, like summer in the middle of winter

My contemplative mood melted into relief that I’d arrived at the church. I reached for the heavy door, but it was locked. On this day, not even God would let me in. I paused there in the  shadow of the doorway, then headed back down the hill. 

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #174 – ‘Crazy’ ~ Summer 2019

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

The Madonna Timeline is on a bit of a ‘Madame X’ kick of late, with the most recent entry being ‘God Control‘, and this one moving on to ‘Crazy’. One of the most charming and effervescent tracks of that album, ‘Crazy’ brings me happily back to the summer of 2019, a time that feels more quaint and sunny when you realize it was all in the months right before a worldwide deadly pandemic. In so many ways, that summer feels like one of the last great summers, and all the summers since then have been trying to achieve something similar, and all to no success. Maybe I’ve just grown up beyond having a carefree summer. Maybe last summer simply ruined it for me. I don’t know. What I do understand is that there is power in music – and power in this pretty little song. 

I spent all night waiting upIt’s gonna be the last night I wait up for youSpent a long time wakin’ upUsed to think that I was not enough for you
Now I see that I’m just way too muchYou got your hands full, I’m misunderstoodNow I see that I’m who I can trustAnd you got a lot of room, you tryin’ to make it good
But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me onceI guess it’s shame on youSay now if you think I’ve been foolish and youKeep on trying to do it, baby, Imma switch the plans on you
‘Cause you’re driving me crazyYou must think I’m crazy

The start of the summer of 2019 was spent in gleeful anticipation of the ‘Madame X’ album – one of the first true summer albums released by Madonna since I can’t remember when (perhaps the most notable one being ‘True Blue’). The magic had begun with ‘Medellin‘ and while some of the album was gloriously experimental, Madonna still knew her way around a heady hook and a magical melody, which she melded with some strong Portuguese influence on ‘Crazy’. 

And I won’t let you drive me cray-ay-ay-ay-zyAnd I won’t let you drive me crazyVocê não vai me por tão lo-o-o-oucaVocê não vai me por tão louca

Starting the season as early as possible, I remember painting some of our worn backyard plant stands and furniture a bright yellow, unifying the accents with the curtains hanging from the canopy that year. They would be excellent foil for the garishly-colored pots I was using, forming a vibrant fiesta of color and bold hues that would help to make a celebration of summer. All the while, I played the ‘Madame X’ album on repeat, burning these beautiful songs into a summer memory

I bent my knees for you like a prayerMy God, look at me nowPulled off my weakness layer after layerNothing left for me to keep ’round
I’m a force that I won’t tame, babeCan’t go through this and stay the same, babeI’ve seen a lot of stranger things, babeAnd I’ll never look at you the same
But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me onceI guess it’s shame on youSay now if you think I’ve been foolish and you keepOn trying to do it, baby, Imma switch the plans on you
‘Cause you’re driving me crazyYou must think I’m crazyVocê me põe tão loucaVocê pensa que eu sou louca
And I won’t let you drive me crazy-ay-ay-ay-ay-zyAnd I won’t let you drive me crazyVocê não vai me por tão lo-o-o-oucaVocê não vai me por tão louca

Once the patio was put together and looking pretty, the canopy assembled and providing some shade, and the pool swirling its chlorinated warmth in circles of wavering blue and aqua, Andy and I would pause and take it all in, enjoying this little oasis in the midst of upstate New York, our own little escape from the rest of the world. His adamant desire to have a pool paid off, and I’ve always been grateful for that. Madonna sang her songs crafted halfway round the world, and they matched the surroundings and the time perfectly. 

I put you on a pedestal but statues, they can fallFelt so safe, I let you drive me straight into the wallPaid the hell you dealt me, thought you felt meWas never good at games, now I just forget your name
But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me onceI guess it’s shame on youSay now if you think I’ve been foolish and you keepOn trying to do it, baby, Imma switch the plans on you
‘Cause you’re driving me crazyYou must think I’m crazy

Summer ended all too quickly that year, though we didn’t realize it then. It was just another summer in a long line of summers, and there would always be such summers to come, wouldn’t there? I wish I’d known so I could have held onto it a little longer. Strike that – I’m glad we didn’t know. There was nothing to mar the happiness of the moment. 

If that makes me crazy, so be it.

Song #174 – ‘Crazy’ ~ Summer 2019

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A Winter Song Before the Drifts

Winter songs, at least the one’s I enjoy at the moment, should be quieter moments, acoustic-like and simple, with perhaps a bit of a dour undercurrent. Especially before the onslaught of a winter storm, such as in the predicament in which we currently find ourselves in New York. Here’s a comforting one to pass the morning, a gorgeous bit of music by the aptly-named Zach Winters:

January 6 is also often referred to as the saddest day of the year, so this song resonates a little deeper. I’m leaning into the sadness this winter, finding ways of co-existing with it rather than fighting or trying to distract myself with other baubly bits of whimsy and frivolity. My life provide enough of those – I want to focus on the melancholy – not get drowned or bogged down by it – but simply experience it, feel it, let it wreak its stretches of crying, let it wring the tears and allow them to fall. Such salty water is heavy, and better drained than retained. 

I’m also learning to accept love from others as a way of working through the heartache. Andy came home with our first pot of hyacinths for the season – a trio of violet bulbs that began blooming almost the second he brought them in the door. They smelled of spring, of hope, of a time less foreboding. They felt like a hug from my husband – always welcome, always needed. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Today’s PSA for the conservation-minded:

If it’s yellow, let it mellow.

If it’s brown, flush it down.

#TinyThreads

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Dazzler of the Day: Jeremy Allen White

Show-stopping performances seem to come naturally for Jeremy Allen White, who earns his first Dazzler of the Day crowning for being the current ambassador of the legendary Calvin Klein underwear brand. More impressively, he’s been part of several cultural touchstones of the past year – ‘The Bear’ and ‘The Iron Claw’ – which simply cements his dazzling status. [See other CK Ambassadors Shawn Mendes, Maluma, and Noah Centineo for further viewing pleasures.]

 

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Shirtless Pecs Appeal

Lest anyone think this site has gone all serious and somber – BAM! – here’s your shirtless post with more than a few salacious links, starting out with Glen Powell’s recent streak of nakedness in service of his latest movie ‘Anyone But You’. (Full booty shot of a nude Glen Powell here.) Everyone loves a little male nudity

Taking the world by storm as the latest Dr. Who, Ncuti Gatwa made a splash in his first Dazzler of the Day crowning here.

Zac Efron has a long list of links in which he’s appeared shirtless and half-naked and semi-naked and fully-naked (even if it’s not fully-frontal). 

Singing the praises of Lenny Kravitz is a popular endeavor, and someone so beloved across all musical realms more than deserves this Dazzler of the Day crowning

Chris Meloni can always be counted on for some bodacious butt service, as evidenced from many a naked Meloni search

Setting things even hotter in this shirtless greeting for the weekend is Wilson Cruz, who changed my life with his groundbreaking turn in ‘My So-Called Life’. Checking him out today is even better. 

Final shirtless honors go to today’s upcoming Dazzler, Jeremy Allen White, whose new Calvin Klein underwear ads are making a big splash across the internet. Check back here in a few hours for more of this action.

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