Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

The Muted Palette of a Wildflower Patch

The over-hybridized hot-house extravagance of fanciful orchids or the bombast of brash bedding annuals that never pause bloom until frost strikes them down can lead to a fatigue of excess color and saturation. At those times, I head out of the cultivated yards and the greenhouses, and find any small patch of wildflowers – which are to be found just about anywhere, such as behind the buildings of an outlet mall (in this care the Lee Outlets) where sections of ground have gone unmoved and untended, resulting in this little muted area of wildflowers and weeds. 

The flower forms were simple, the colors were soft, and their structure was awkward, haphazard, and entirely lacking of order or organization. They were brilliant in their simplicity and softness. Seeing the scene was almost a relief to my vision – a break, a reset, a chance to cleanse the visual palette. Like a container of coffee beans between cologne samples

In these very late days of spring, when all the world is brimming and overflowing with super-saturated colors and fragrances, one appreciates a moment of quiet, of delicious dullness. If all you experience is one extreme after another, eventually these scenes lose their magic and power – and stretches of time like winter become more desolate and bereft of charm. Reconnecting with quieter places and moments is a trick to even out the rollercoaster of spring barreling into summer. 

Down time matters.

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Dazzler of the Day: Stevie Nicks

Call me a convert to the church of the coven, as I have fallen completely under the musical spell of enchantment cast by Stevie Nicks and her storied legacy of song sorcery. My friend JoAnn took me to my first Stevie Nicks show at Mohegan Sun this past Sunday, and it was a soul-enriching reminder of the healing power of music – and testament to the enduring performance wizardry of a woman who, despite her repeated reminders of her 76-years of age and wisdom, stood center stage and kept command of an entirely-rapt sold-out audience for two straight hours. The history of her triumphs and tribulations over the past few decades is as tortured and twisted as it is wondrous and miraculous. She’s worked her magic while countless others have burned brightly and faded quickly around her.

A little more than halfway through the how, I marveled at how she had preserved her voice over all those years of gold dust living, when she paused to share the background on how she has religiously maintained a 40-minute vocal warm-up regime before every single show she has done over the past twenty years or so. It’s that sort of dedication to her craft – and her passion for the music that has sustained her during the darkest days – which has established her presence in the firmament of musical legends. This Dazzler of the Day crowning is hardly enough to convey how many lives she has changed and inspired, and it’s only the start of my own discovery of her genius. 

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Why Pride Month Still Matters

A few people I know make a habit of reading the obituaries. I’ve never done that. I don’t even like reading the obituaries of loved ones I’ve known. Even the better renditions that artfully weave words and stories as more of a tribute than documentation of someone’s death are often difficult to read. I think I’ve always been rather commonly afraid of death, up until last year when I had no choice but to face it and confront it.

Every once in a while, however, an obituary comes along to capture my heart, and remind me of the importance of honoring those we have lost, especially when it comes with a posthumous revelation that may make a difference for certain ones going through similar struggles. In this case, the end of Edward Thomas Ryan’s obituary did what he felt he couldn’t do for all his lived days:

Edward wanted to share the following: “I must tell you one more thing. I was Gay all my life: thru grade school, thru High School, thru College, thru Life. I was in a loving and caring relationship with Paul Cavagnaro of North Greenbush. He was the love of my life. We had 25 great years together. Paul died in 1994 from a medical Procedure gone wrong. I’ll be buried next to Paul. I’m sorry for not having the courage to come out as Gay. I was afraid of being ostracized: by Family, Friends, and Co-Workers. Seeing how people like me were treated, I just could not do it. Now that my secret is known, I’ll forever Rest in Peace.”

Read the entire piece here.

At first it was heartbreaking to read. I’ve known men like Edward. They carry a hollowed-out, haunted desperation to some of their days and actions, while somehow managing to be braver and stronger than I could ever imagine having to be. I wonder at an entire life lived within the proverbial confines of the closet, a life lived with subterfuge and secrets, and what moments of freedom men like Edward might have known, grasped at, lived for… It always crushes the soul a little to dwell upon what kind of world would allow for such an existence – and what kind of people would want to suppress or force someone to be something other than what they truly are. 

And then I feel grateful. Grateful for having had the fortune and privilege and fortitude to come out when I was young, when I was still finding my way and growing into the person I was born to be. Grateful for the existence of Pride Month, for others who paved the way without such fortune and privilege. Grateful for being able to surround myself with people who would never think of suppressing or forcing anyone to be someone they weren’t. And grateful for the Edwards of the world – especially Edward Thomas Ryan – who did in death what he felt he could not do in life, becoming at last the person he was born to be, and reminding us of our own history. 

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Orville Peck Naked But For the Fringe

Blessed be ‘Paper’ Magazine, who never met a cover subject they didn’t like slicked-up, oiled-down and butt-naked. Case in point is Orville Peck, who makes his cover debut in this scintillating spread. Last seen in these parts as our Dazzler of the Day, Peck is about to make more splashes thanks to some upcoming music. Stay tuned, prick up your ears, and prepare to be wowed. 

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Cloud Formation

There are clouds in the sky.

That’s pretty much all I have on a Tuesday morning in which I’ll be playing a brutal game of catch-up after an extra-long weekend of play and being away. More on those fun items later – for now, these clouds

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New Views, New Vantage Points

After twenty-plus years of blogging on this website, I tend to re-tread the same familiar paths, particularly when it comes to seasonal blooms. The parade of peonies happens at the same time every year, the American lilacs put on their show right before the Korean lilacs – and they go up and out here before they go up and out in Maine – and right now the Chinese dogwoods are finishing their typically-extensive “blooming” period (use of quotes for the fact that the prominent white ‘blossoms’ covering the trees now are not actual flowers, but bracts – modified leaves that give the appearance of a bloom). 

When you’ve posted twenty years of dogwood trees, there’s not much more to see, other than attempting to see things from a different vantage point, like from the inside of the tree looking out. 

The world is framed by foliage and ‘flowers’ when you place yourself within a tree. The best trees are those that become cozy lookouts for birds and bees and butterflies and dragonflies, providing protection when there is wind or rain or hawks about. From within the interior, the world almost looks like a manageable place.

Only when you have a safe haven like this does such a sentiment come into play – without it, you might wonder if there’s anything manageable about the world at all. 

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The Frilled Recap

Our summer of coquetry announces itself in shades of pink and golden chains of pearls. I want so badly to escape into such frills, to go back to a time when frills were all that mattered… but I know that cannot be done. And so we go forward, with the only looking-back happening in these weekly recaps

Not forgotten… never forgotten.

Architectural details of a peony bloom.

Bending over the carpet like Grandma.

My playground love.

A peony parade continues.

Day-setting for coquetry.

Night-setting for coquetry.

The flowering freshness of a fruit tree.

Suck it.

My loves, mine all mine.

Floral bells rung.

A very sad thread.

Our one and only Dazzler of the Day was our one and only Suzie Ko.

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Putting away your vacation sun hat and travel neck pillow is one of life’s sadder moments. 

Putting away the luggage may be even sadder.

#TinyThreads

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Floral Bells Rung

These bluebells were hidden in a rather untraveled woodland area of Ogunquit, off the well-tread path to and from the beach, and unbothered by the traffic and bustle of the town. Only those seeking a quieter, calmer, and less-populated area would have the fortune of happening upon these elegant flowers. 

They are part of the freshness that makes this time of the year so spectacular. It will never be like this again, and it merits a pause in the quickening downhill rush toward summer. 

Let this prose slow and stop too, to give you your own moment to pause and reflect.

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Dazzler of the Day: Suzie Ko

My lifelong bestie finally gets crowned as Dazzler of the Day on this, her 49th birthday. Almost everyone visiting this post will have already met, or at least heard of, Suzie Ko. I knew Suzie before I knew just about everyone. Born a couple of months before me, she’s been in this world as long as I have, and I’ve happily never a known a day when she wasn’t here. That’s been one of the best and most comforting facts of my life, and she still makes it worthwhile going through it all. 

We’ve had almost five decades of adventures together, from this legendary ‘Mary Poppins’ viewing to the day she came back from Denmark. We’ve traversed the country and the world, from Montana to Provincetown, and Russia to New York

It hasn’t all been wild fun and laughter – Suzie taught me about heartache and loss before anyone else did, and in that respect we’ve been there for each other at the moments when only the company of a true friend could help. Sharing those times is often more important than the festive events, and the truth is that the best part of our friendship is what happens during all the down-time, the time that makes up the bulk of life – and life is simply better with Suzie in it. 

Happy birthday, old friend.

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My Love, Mine All Mine

Our coquette summer is off to an early start with a little reunion of the kids who attended my office’s ‘Take Your Children To Work Day’ extravaganza this year. Their group got along so well that I proposed a follow-up hang-out with a coquette theme, since the kids seemed to know more about coquette than I did, and the only way to stay young is to keep up on such themes. With that, this song from the Coquette Summer Playlist the 1st, perfect for a moon-filled night:

Moon, a hole of lightThrough the big top tent up highHere before and after meShinin’ down on me
Moon, tell me if I couldSend up my heart to you?So, when I die, which I must doCould it shine down here with you?

Emi selected this song, as she did most of the songs on the first summer playlist, and it has a lovely, laid-back vibe to it – the perfect backdrop to today’s gathering. If there is rain, that will only add to the underlying shadows of the coquette theme. it is worth remembering that behind the clouds, the moon is still there

‘Cause my love is mine, all mineI love mine, mine, mineNothing in the world belongs to meBut my love mine, all mine, all mineMy baby, here on earthShowed me what my heart was worthSo, when it comes to be my turnCould you shine it down here for her?
‘Cause my love is mine, all mineI love mine, mine, mineNothing in the world belongs to meBut my love mine, all mineNothing in the world is mine for freeBut my love mine, all mine, all mine

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Saw an inspirational bumper sticker that really spoke to me the other day: If at first you don’t succeed, maybe you just suck.

#TinyThreads

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The Flowering Freshness of a Fruit Tree

It feels like we have already ripened into summer, the way it often happens when everything suddenly rushes ahead and the world that felt so barren and stark a couple of months ago is suddenly filled with foliage and flowers. We’ve passed the early end of the flowering fruit tree display – all that remains are unused photos on the phone, something that I’ll continue to share in the annoying fashion that is the essence of social media. We don’t need to make memories anymore – the phone does that for us, and the cloud is there to remind us. Somewhere between material and ethereal, our modern-day world spins. 

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Night Setting for Coquetry

A nostalgic throwback is best heard deeper into the evening. When dusk falls, so gloriously later in the daily run of the clock, it brings tales back to mind that may or may not have happened. In my childhood, the search for adventure or drama of any kind was a product of too many soap operas and an overactive imagination. Both were enough to sustain me through the summer, the former accompanied by fans, raspberry hard candies and Crystal Light iced tea – the latter inspired by songs that hinted at the love I was on the cusp of wanting. 

Hold me, kiss me,Whisper sweetlyThat you love meForever.

I didn’t know then how lucky I was to be wanting for drama, to have to conjure and create mystery and intrigue and difficulty because nothing new seemed to be happening in my life. Such carefree days and nights are the province of youth, and largely wasted upon it. 

And so I indulged in listening to songs that spoke of love and heartache and all the feelings I thought I wanted to experience first-hand. The romanticism and folly of being young… the almost-innocence of being a teenager somewhere between spring and summer…

Hold me, kiss me,Whisper sweetlyThat you love meForever.

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Day Setting for Coquetry

We are scheduled to hold our first coquette-themed gathering of friends this weekend, and while sun would be ideal, the forecast calls for a cool rain. Maybe that’s more fitting for the coquette theme anyway – the underlying moodiness of it, as personified in a song like ‘Saturn’ by SZA. I have it on good authority that this song is true to the coquette aesthetic, which seems to go just slightly deeper than its beautiful outside trappings. That’s a theme that can become dear to one’s heart.

Life’s better on SaturnGot to break this patternOf floating awayOoh (ooh, ooh)Find something worth savingIt’s all for the takingI always say
I’ll be better on SaturnNone of this mattersDreaming of Saturn, oh.

There’s a freshness at this time of the year, just as spring prepares to retire and let summer finally take her place. It’s a freshness that masks the mixed emotions that sometimes accompany a switch of seasons, so I don’t often feel the conflicted nature of the crux. Summer sun hides more than it reveals. 

And I haven’t quite yet decided if I’m ready for summer – which won’t slow its arrival in the slightest, merely color how I navigate the early days. I’ll come around eventually, I usually do… In the meantime, when there are rainy days and dismal weather, I’ll turn on the coquette coziness, spray a little ‘Carnal Flower’, and bloom, bloom, bloom… while revisiting the sort of sunny day captured in these pictures. 

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