Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

A morning that begins with a broken egg is not what one would consider a perfect morning, and it is then that I am reminded perfect mornings don’t exist. When you take the quest for perfection out of the equation, the day suddenly becomes much sunnier. It’s a comfort that coincides with the happy and unexpected relief afforded by a Monday night. When I spent weekends dreading school and work the next day, by the end of Monday afternoon, had I been able to face the demons, I would usually return home feeling relieved and better about all the worries that came to a head on Sunday nights. Even a broken egg, in proper perspective, seems like a minor mishap unworthy of a blog post like this. 

Yet in the most minor and mundane of moments and mistakes, wisdom is to be found. In the broken egg, there was instant and irrevocable loss. There’s no putting Humpty together again. There’s also no way to make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, so long as you keep them off the floor. The magic is in how you break them, and where you break them. In the examination of these things, instead of being angry at the egg, you can greet its fallen state with gratitude for pausing the brain’s jump to annoyance. Replacing anger with curiosity may be one of he more productive strategies if I can start to implement it. 

For the moment, I’m still swearing about cleaning up this broken egg

This is a relatively quiet weekly recap. My neck has been spasming when it hasn’t been entirely stiff, making sleeping difficult and working outside on our side yard impossible. That’s the universe whispering in annoying fashion to slow down. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Nor was it built by one fucking almost-49-year-old. Both are reasons for me to slow down and self-preserve. On with the weekly recap…

A lavender daisy mocktail kicked things off in fancy and precious fashion.

Summer thyme is here.

Sometimes I feel straight, like in these photos.

Ring around the burrata.

The very last iris of the season.

The flickering wonder of hope on the 4th of July.

Let’s pop some cherries on our pants.

Reflections of an American Speedo.

Oh hi, Miss American Pie.

Stop right now, thank you very much.

Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Keep your eye on the day at hand.

A pain in the neck.

An easy guide for how to speak my language.

Does anyone else find this Instagram feature annoying as fuck?

Stretching back into childhood.

Dazzlers of the Day included Frederick Richard, Andy Towle, and Timo Cavelius.

One of my favorite places to be as a child was snuggled between my parents in the wee small hours of the morning. Whether it was the disturbing images of insects and bugs or more sinister phantom figures gliding through the hallways, the not-infrequent nightmares of my youth occasionally afforded a panicked insistence on joining my parents in bed and waking to Dad’s internal alarm clock before the sun was even out. 

Their room was dim with the shades pulled, and the dim gray light only allowed for shadows and silhouettes. Still, I can remember my father next to me as he opened his day with several leg stretches before he got out of bed. He never spoke about this, never explained the purpose or reason. Maybe he didn’t want to disturb my supposed sleep. In subsequent years, I would see yoga and fitness instructors advising to do the same stretches to begin their practice. 

My Dad would lift one leg up, point it at the ceiling, then slowly cross and lower it over the opposite side of his body, repeating the same motion for the other leg. He would then bring each to his chest and hold them there for a moment. This was how he entered the world each day – movements and preparations in dark, so when he got up he was agile and able to move. It must have worked as he lived for a long time, during which much of the time he got around well. Only in the last few years did that deteriorate. 

At night is when I do my stretches in bed. Following Dad’s same routine, it’s a way to relax the body and muscles for a comfortable slumber. When I have time and think of it, I’ll try to begin the day in the same manner, though I’m usually rushing up and out of bed as I press the snooze button for the third and final time.

These are the mundane motions of middle age. As long as there are good memories to go along with them, I’m ok with all of it. 

A stern message to Instagram: stop trying to get me to turn on push notifications whatever the fuck that means. I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING NOTIFICATIONS. You’ve asked me 1000 times and the answer is still no, and it will always be no. STOP TRYING TO MAKE NOTIFICATIONS HAPPEN. IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Now you’ve made me shout and I try not to shout on the Lord’s Day. 

#TinyThreads

A lot gets lost in a text message or email. Subtlety and nuance, tone and demeanor, humor and earnestness – the online forms of communication take all of those vital components of communication away, leaving much room for misinterpretation and misunderstandings that sometimes make for a much clunkier and ineffective means of communication. Some of us don’t make it easy by how we respond to things, and I’m very much as guilty of this as anyone else, so I’ve devised a quick pocket post guide to translate what I may mean at any given time. (Do note that all of these are subject to change on a whim, so use these merely as a guide rather than a bible.) Here we go:

No worries = No worries – it’s all good, wholly devoid of snark or sarcasm 

Sounds good = Completely on board with what you just said, just closing the loop in as friendly a way as possible. Note: this does not require a response, and frankly one would be unappreciated 

Ok = a tricky one. For the most part it simply means ok, without excitement, enthusiasm, anger, or happiness one way or another. If it’s in response to something I’ve proposed or invited you to, there may often be a tinge of disappointment and sadness if you are declining. In what is becoming more common, it may also indicate apathy and genuine lack of care. 

That’s fine = That is fine. 

It’s fine = It’s probably not fine but I’m granting us the option of moving along without further discussion because you won’t want the ensuing discussion

I’m fine = Sound the alarm, light the beacons of Gondor, all hands on dick, err, deck, hide your kids, hide your wives, and be very afraid because I am most decidedly not fine and everyone in my vicinity is likely to not be fine in a very short time. 

[No response] = You’re fucked. Send flowers, send gifts, send a handwritten note on pretty stationary, and then give me some time and space. If I don’t re-engage we were probably never really friends in the first place, or you’ve simply worn me out with whatever it was that merited no response.

These aren’t difficult rules. My language is simple. Let me know if you want to practice.

The day’s eye in a bloom illuminated by a single shaft of sunlight – so begins July and the ascendance of summer proper. As the world turns ever darker, I turn ever inward, closing out the worst of humanity and focusing on the best; here is my little collection of friends and family, hearth and home, calm and creation. No matter what happens outside the heart, inside one can always make a place of peace. 

Shutting out the world, shutting off the news, shutting down the hate – it all serves a valuable purpose of self-care and self-preservation. We are useless to helping others if we cannot find a sense of peace within ourselves. 

Today begins with an appreciation of these daisies, and all that we are lucky enough to have.