Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

August is a time for fairy tales, and for remembering things in rosy hues that could never quite have existed the way we think they did. It is for those childhood memories that begin with the song on a boombox, way back in the 80’s when my generation brought the boombox over our heads and screamed out our declarations of love – innocent, misguided, and as wonderful as youth affords us all for the briefest of times. This song sounded out from cars and stereos in some beautiful summer from childhood, before I could really know the wonder of love… 

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand-new day
We couldn’t tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound I had to follow
Once upon a time

Jumping into the pool, I heard bits of the song playing from the shade of the slate-floored patio. The radio was our only source for new music then, but I was still too young to pay much attention to anything beyond a catchy melody. Words were indecipherable to my ears, and even when we figured them out (after debate and argument) I couldn’t tell you what was being said – certainly not the first brush with love. Summer was too light for such cares, and I wanted to perfect my mid-air somersaults off the diving board rather than fiddle with some silly notion of romance. 

Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are touched with sorrow
When the music plays

And when the music plays
I hear the sound I had to follow
Once upon a time

I swam around him, circling his legs as they strode through the shallow end, watching his trunks flutter next to his white skin. I felt like shark and prey in one – the hunter and the haunted, for no one was hunting me in those days – and he was blithely unaware of my gaze – or maybe he wasn’t, and the safest recourse was to pretend he was. I imagine my rendering of his perfect body was different than an objective survey might yield with hindsight. It didn’t matter – he was the epitome of male beauty – his blond hair darkened slightly as he dove underwater and displayed his strength with sure strokes through the pool’s dappled light. 

It was a time of innocence – the way summer should be, the way it sometimes still is – and the looks from the boy I was at the time were hidden beneath the refracted light of the pool. This neighborhood Adonis would swim by unbothered save for my furtive glances, seeking out the glances of young women who could cast their own spells in ways I couldn’t replicate no matter how much I tried. 

He came only a couple of times that summer, but those visits are embedded in my mind – the very first recognition that I found men attractive, the first troubling inkling that I was decidedly unlike any of the other boys. How I wanted to share what I was feeling with someone else, but already I knew it was wrong, so I held it secret and I held it safe, allowing it to exist only at the bottom of a pool, beneath rippling sunlight, in sad and muffled silence. 

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams
In your wildest dreams

“I’m not familiar with these angels…” ~ Joseph Abramo

The Abramo family has always been a quartet of angels in my life, so when Missy recounted a dream-like sequence of Joe’s opening angel comment, I cracked up for quite a long time. Such happy laughter was a constant during our annual Connecticut Summer Weekend pilgrimage to Southbury, where Julian and Cameron joined in the merry-making. Music was, as ever, a companion for the weekend, and the soundtrack for the occasion is neatly summed up by the light and carefree funk of Harry Styles and his new album opener, ‘Music for a Sushi Restaurant’. 

This song set the tone for the fun weekend that was had by all, and I arrived to the sunny and peaceful planning going on by the little lotus pond, just in time to see the first lotus bloom of the season. It was an auspicious start to a weekend of relaxed serenity and old friends. 

Joining in the air of calm festivities, a water lily emerged to add to the beauty of the weekend. 

Along the path leading to the pool, wildflowers lended their own blooms to the season. The world around us had granted a floriferous atmosphere that collided with our joy and peace. There is something about visiting old friends that sets the soul at ease. It is its own form of meditative cleansing. 

I took Julian and Cameron down to the pool for a quick dip (and a few games of find-the-bottle, which I would bring back to our pool when the twins visited next) before Missy and Joe joined us for some lounge time by the water. They have an idyllic home for a relaxing visit – no schedule, no pressure, no time crunch – and I relaxed into this little vacation with a grateful heart. 

This has always been a place of tranquility, accented by echoes of the Buddha, and a natural beauty that Joe and Missy have emphasized in all the right ways. Whether contemplating the still and quiet calm of the water plants in the little pond or leafing through the books on Japanese gardens and water features, each corner offered a new opportunity for comfort. Bookended by the riotous action of boys in the full giddy glow of growing up, the weekend provided a little bit of all summer joys. 

When the last petals of the lotus bloom fell, it was already time to depart – a departure made reluctantly, as it’s always hard to leave familiar angels. Perhaps we will schedule a fall return, to close out the season and start a new one…