~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~
It was a great night out with my brother. Visiting him in Miami, we went out to a few bars, had a few drinks, and did some brotherly bonding, or at least the closest we would get to that sort of thing. Sharing Bloody Marys and family memories, we have come a long way from not speaking to each other. At three in the morning I assume he is staying over with me at the hotel. There’s no way he can drive all the way north to Aventura, not after the night we had.
As we reach the hotel, he makes motions to leave.
“You’re not driving home now, come on,” I say, casual at first.
“I can drive. I gotta get back.”
“No way. Just sleep over tonight and drive back tomorrow. Don’t be stupid.”
There are times when you cannot argue with my brother, just as oe cannot argue with ignorance. I am crying now begging him not to go. He drops his cigarette. He drops his keys. His drunkenness is palpable in his slurred speech, his bloodshot, sleepy eyes. Do I grab his keys like some cliched don’t-drive-drunk commercial? A streak of stubborn pride doesn’t allow me to do that. Having subjugated myself to my brother over the years, I cannot do it anymore. With one final refusal, he says he’s not staying, and before he can see me shed another tear, I run into the hotel and shut the door on the whole situation.
Later I realize why he went home, and why he has never been able to be alone in life. He has to get back to a woman he may not really love. It will do for now, and the next day does not matter. Stave off the loneliness in the dark. Be brave in the morning. The nights are so tough. Just make it to the dawn.
It’s a fucked up thing, but it’s the closest he can find – anything to not be left alone.
My brother is co-dependent and has never learned to be on his own. I don’t know how to impart that strength. Though he is taller than me, though he was the one who played all the sports and made my father so proud, I finally realize how weak he is, and has always been.
I call him at seven in the morning and his girlfriend says he got home late last night. When he calls back I do not answer the phone.
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