There were two people I met during my stint at John Hancock who became lifelong friends: JoAnn and Kira. I met Kira first – she was already working there when I started. One of the quietest people I’d encountered, she kept to herself, did her work, and rarely interacted with anyone. I admired that sort of self-possession, even as I knew it was founded on uncertainty and doubt. Unsure of her English, Kira rarely spoke to anyone, but slowly, over time, we got her to join us for lunch, and she began to share her own stories.

JoAnn started after I was there for a few weeks, and as the new girl from Cape Cod she had her own battles to wage, and sometimes they were directly with me. Those early days of our friendship were tempestuous and incendiary, as we both had a love of drama at that point in our lives. Our fights were epic – the whole office weighed in on them, and witnessed many in person. Neither of us can recall what any of the bickering was about, but we must have been entangled in some battle when I sent this book around to be signed. Only Kira has an entry, and hers was the last. Reading it again, it’s clear she found her voice by that point, and took me to task right about the time when my boyfriend at the time had thrown me a surprise party that did’t go according to plan. That’s another story for another time – for now, the story shifts to Kira’s point of view:

“Que pasa? Alan, you need to stop doing things the way you do because it isn’t fair to mistreat your friends. I know you are a good friend and because I’m your friend I’m telling you this for your own benefit. Some people are not as patient as me and everyone have a limit and if you keep up with your attitude you will be alone. So if you want to have friends in this life you should try to treat them good. Just be yourself because you’re a good person and people would like you for what you are. You are one of my good friends and I’m sure going to miss you very much because I spend good and bad times with you, more good than bad. I also learned a lot from you and I hope that you do things for others because you really feel like doing it, not just because people own your stuff. PS – Also slow down on your drinks, good luck in Chicago. Tu amiga, Kira!! Love you!!”

More entries in my good-bye to John Hancock book – reading them is likely of little to no interest to anyone who wasn’t there, but these tickle me in their year-book-like innocence, and some border on prescient. The rest are just ridiculously silly and funny as they are foreboding (hello Linda!) It brings me back to a simpler time, when the whole of life spread out before me. Looking forward is so much different from looking back, no matter how similar the vantage point might be. It’s also touching to see that I carved out a little legacy that is probably forgotten by all now, but perhaps reached someone back then – the way we all touch people if we try hard enough. And now, more words from my former co-workers:

“Dear God – As Fate had it, I was the one responsible for bringing Alan Ilagan to John Hancock. So all this superficial outpouring of emotion scribbled on the previous pages was my doing. I’ll take the blame. This is my confession. When I was first introduced to AI, I immediately noticed something unique about him, special if you will: he didn’t give a shit about anything. Really! He came into the interview with a lackadaisical, aloof air about him. He didn’t want the job. I realized this is “The Guy” for Research. It turns out my instincts were bull’s-eye as only this kind of attitude would succeed in J’s well-run hearse of a department. He was not well-liked at first. Others found him privileged and condescending. So did I. But he had a trivial knowledge of pop music which only I could appreciate. So I took him under my wing and taught him everything I knew about Research that he was willing to listen to while not complaining. Also, secretly, I admired the flamboyant thing – kind of a cross between Nathan Lane and the Backstreet Boy whose name escapes me now. A house-pop-dance-literary-sensitive-intellectual-smart-ass fag. Alan’s personality is one of the few that I would call perfect. If his life was a 24-hour satellite channel, I would tune in while eating my dinner. But in a way, I have better. He now knows how to use e-mail so I will be blessed with his gift for prose on, I hope, a bi-weekly occasion. He will keep me informed of his irresponsible behavior which I will chuckle at on those down moments. I will not give him words of advice as I know that wherever he’ll be, there will be someone like me to guide him through. God, you have a strange way of throwing people in each other’s paths for a brief period. Thanks for making it stick. ~ Margaret”

“What’s up Alan, so you decided to just get up and leave us after all this time. Hey imagine if you did not come to research then we wouldn’t be able to use things in our summary sheets like ‘in lieu of’. Hey you know what, it’s been cool working with you. You always laugh and find humor in everything. Hey buddy good luck – I wish you the best. Keep in touch if you have any interesting stories or any funny jokes give us a buzz.” ~ Marland

“Alan – Words cannot express the sadness and emptiness in our hearts upon your departure. The sheer volume of work (and beverages consumed) will never be matched. All of ADR will probably crumble without your constant guidance and vision. Seriously, you’ve added humor and color to an otherwise boring (though fiche-filled) job. To say nothing of the lovely bash at your apartment (probably not often some strange girl passes out in bed with you). Best of luck in your future endeavors and life in Chicago. Send me some exciting mail. Perhaps another scathing music review. I’ll miss you.” ~ Maggie

“Alan, You are an unrelenting source of humor in this otherwise-bland department! You make me laugh and somehow my days are a little shorter when you are around! You are one-of-a-kind and perhaps the only other person here who likes Madonna (‘Ray of Light’ is a great album by the way). Good luck in Chicago – you will do great.” ~ Vickie

“Alan, it’s been a pleasure working with you. I hope you didn’t get too mad when I stole the machine you were using. The research department isn’t going to be the same without you. Good luck in Chicago. You should check out a Jerry Springer taping when you get there. Best wishes.” ~ Scott

“Alan, Alice, it… whatever – I hope that you have fun I your new city. Chicago is great from what I’ve heard and I’m sure that you’ll fit right in. Not with my crowd but you’ll fit in with some other sick and deranged people (Just Kidding.) I hope you find happiness as well as a good psychiatrist out there. Best of luck and good luck in the rest of your life!” ~ Vincent

“Alan, the research department will be lost without you and don’t let anyone say anything different. I’ll miss your bright colors {HAIR}. Good luck in whatever the future might bring you. You were very pleasant to work with. We all will be gone soon enough. Bye. ” ~ Linda

““To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” Well Alan we had almost. full year here together, and what a time we had. Certainly we can not recall all the researchers that have come and gone over that time, but we’ll always remember the original (and best yet I might interject) morning crew of two. Yes research has gone through many transitions over our time here, but there have been those few constant members that have made this department function. You are one of those pieces, and you all be sorely missed in the coming months. Alan, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors and pray for a Cubs/Red Sox World Series. Take care always.” ~ Michael

“Alan, I don’t know where to begin!! Well ADR will be lost without you. I will be lost without you!! I will miss trying to be the peace-maker between you and Kira, smoking outside with you, yelling at you for being mean, and out of all our singing. I had never met a gay man before you, so you are my one and only gay friend. (Do you feel privileged?) I will never forget you and I hope you never forget me. Don’t get wrapped up in the party scene in Chicago, and lose sight of what’s important to you. You are one of the smartest and talented people I have ever met, and I wish that your time here hadn’t passed so quickly. Just don’t forget the party at your house that I planned, the party that I never got, our private little party, and the party we are going t have on Friday! These few things should make you smile on a bad day. Well Big Al I will miss you, and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.” ~ Michelle

“Al – Great party. Cool duds. Enjoy the Windy City.” ~ Joe

“Alan: What can I say to you that won’t make you laugh? Nothing, cause even if I look at you the wrong way or I’m in a bad mood I make you laugh. I have to say there were times when you would drive me out of my mind. I would want to jump out of my seat and just strangle you. But I guess that’s a part of being you. When you guys could find nothing better to do but aggravate and upset me with the stupid comments from Shawn and Michael, or throwing paper balls at one another, or thinking you would trade my good chair for a broken one and trying to get away with it. No way was I going to let that happen. But those are the trials and tribulations of working in research I hope you had a good time while it lasted. I will really miss you, and I will never forget you. Keep in touch – luv ya.” ~ Sandy

There are two more entries (well, sort of) that I have saved for the next blog post, as they are, more or less, from the two people who became lifelong friends: Kira and JoAnn. Yes, these memories of John Hancock have all been a run-up to this year’s Holiday Stroll, so stay tuned…

It’s been a while since one of Ryan Murphy’s shows has impressed me, and the last one to do so may have been the ‘Feud’ between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. That offered a different view on what might have gone on between those legendary ladies, and I am holding similar hopes for his take on ‘Capote vs. The Swans’ which reportedly chronicles the relationship between Truman Capote and his New York City socialites, almost-affectionately nicknamed the Swans. There is rich and fertile ground for exploration here, and it proves to be fascinating to see how some incredible actresses portray these incredible waterfowl. Fasten your seatbelts, I hope it’s going to be a bumpy night. 

Andy and I were watching the end of ‘The Grinch Who Stole Christmas’ when he remarked that in his childhood, the cartoon seemed to go on forever – a brief treatise on the shifting perspective of time, something that has touched this blog of late, and something that comes into play more and more the older we get. I understood exactly what he was talking about – those cartoons did seem to last for hours, with Christmas cookie breaks and bathroom runs and changing into cozy pajamas during the voluminous commercial breaks. Watching these specials was an event. 

Now, we turn on one of these Christmas shows and it’s done in at the blink of an eye, before I can pop all the blood pressure meds and allergy pills that constitute the nightly ritual. Andy and I feel the rush of time, in the loss of loved ones, in the loss of traditions that once felt unbreakable. Time, as I’ve often said, is the great equalizer. In the end, it will always win, and it will take every last one of us. 

As Andy and I navigate this next section of our lives, and the holiday seasons evolve and change, we take the Christmas specials as they come. When ‘A Christmas Story’ and ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’ run as 24/7 marathons, we let them play, nestle into our places in the family room, and indulge in what feels like forever again. 

Approaching the edge of winter, the weather shouldn’t be quite this fine, and while no one is complaining, it leaves me uneasy with the reality of global warming. Back in 1993, one of the requirements for new students at Brandeis University was to read the book ‘Beyond the Limits’ which gave very similar forecasts of what the temperatures are today. It was harrowing and depressing look at where humanity was headed, and I didn’t see then how everyone could ever be convinced to stop the slide. My pessimism has not abated, and I still don’t see it, especially as those who think it’s a conspiracy have only dug deeper into their ignorance. 

As the world slowly burns, at least we will get to gaze upon roses in December, roses of all kinds.