Racial Profiling at the Newbury Hotel?

My very first brush with the building that now houses the Newbury Boston occurred in the 1990’s, when it was still the Ritz Carlton. Dad and Mom were staying there for a medical conference, and I’d just gotten over an infirmary-stay with mono so they allowed me to stay with them. My very first meal after being down and out for a week was the room service order of breakfast pancakes that solidified my love for the property. 

Andy and I would stay there again for our wedding when it was the Taj Hotel, occupying a suite overlooking the Boston Public Garden, where our ceremony took place in 2010. In the ensuing years, we’ve made many a pilgrimage there to the Street Bar (the site of pre-wedding-rehearsal cocktails and subsequent lunches) where we would celebrate our anniversaries with a walk through the lobby, examining the flowers and recalling our special times there

Even after the property became the Newbury Boston, it would be a regular haunt whenever I was in town, providing a respite and restroom on the second floor when I would need a break from shopping; I’d pause there and make use of their exquisite Willow soap, bags in tow, and always find a quiet haven just above Newbury Street, which makes my recent visit there so heartbreaking and troubling.

This past weekend, on an annual holiday stroll with my friend Kira, I suggested we stop at the Newbury. I had just passed our large shopping bag to her, as it was her turn to carry it for a moment (and my back was bothering me). We passed The Street Bar where we contemplated a snack, then headed upstairs to wash our hands before looking into whether there was a corner table somewhere. As I waited for Kira to finish in the ladies room, I fiddled on my phone until I heard her being questioned by a security guard outside the bathroom. She was arguing with him so I came over and asked what happened. 

Apparently he asked if she was a guest of the hotel, and when she said she wasn’t he told her he needed to search her bag and she was asking why. After all my years of stopping here I’d never once been questioned or asked to show what was in my bags (and I usually had a lot more than we did on that day). I asked him why he wanted to search her bag, and he said they had had things missing there. We were so taken aback neither of us thought to ask what might be missing from a hotel lobby that would warrant a search, and his attitude was not friendly in the least. He told us he had the right to search our bags no matter what, or he could call the police. At that point I calmly told him I’d like to speak with his manager. The only difference between all the times I frequented the hotel and this one was that my friend – a black female – was holding the bag. That seemed problematic at best, and according to my retired police officer husband a blatant act of racial profiling, so at this point I was bothered and wanted someone else to explain to me why they were searching bags – especially hers. 

After directing us to the front desk, the security person went into the back. I explained the situation to the clerk at the front desk, who said that it sounded strange, and then the manager on duty came out. We explained the situation and I asked why they would want to search my friend’s bag. She said that was definitely not their normal practice and apologized quietly for what happened. I was more shaken by it than Kira was at this point, and I still hadn’t heard an explanation that would adequately justify why her bag got searched and why she was treated so gruffly, other than a quiet apology and an assurance that the manager would talk to her superiors. I left my name, phone number and e-mail, and asked that they contact me with any questions, also mentioning that this incident would probably find its way to my blog, which I also included in my contact info. I haven’t heard back yet. 

This is especially upsetting, as I was just about to book a suite at the Newbury for our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary next spring. If this is how they treat former and future guests, it’s not something I’m going to support. 

UPDATE: The hotel contacted me and offered a lunch credit at their Street Bar. That seems a paltry recompense, so I’ll keep this post up alerting the public to their practices. 

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This Wreath Though

Some wreaths try to do too much.

Take this one – it’s beautiful.

Gorgeous. 

Striking.

Magnifient.

But it’s too extra.

The heart of a wreath should be open – not filled in with berries and bullshit.

Signed,

The Tasteful Holiday Grinch

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Waltzing Through Christmas

“They are two people who seemingly have it all ~ admired and respected, feared and adored ~ yet I don’t think two lonelier people exist…” 

We have reached the point in this holiday season, as we have reached for so many years past, when our protagonist pauses to listen to a melancholy Christmas waltz, indulging in one brief moment of existential crisis before going back to the grind and barreling through it. This year is slightly different, as I haven’t quite decided whether I’m going to slip out of crisis mode or let it all come to a head. If that scares you, please trust that it terrifies the fuck out of me, so we’re not quite alone

Cue the music…

Maybe resurrecting the ‘shades of gray’ project from twenty years ago has stirred up those old ghosts – friendly ghosts – and all ghosts remind of days long gone. I suppose that’s sort of the point of a ghost. They haunt us until we face what we have ghosted. Sometimes they feel especially persistent around the holidays, and the Christmas tree, glowing and mysterious at night, has always been a portal to the past. 

In so many ways, the magic of a Christmas tree has long disappeared from my life, which is sad and strange, because as a child I seemed to adore and appreciate every aspect of its existence more than most. I could lie on the carpeted floor beside it for hours at night, examining the ornaments and branches, studying how the lights were trapped by certain glass balls, and shattered into a thousand sparkles by others. Its scent was intoxicating too – like we had opened the windows to the outdoors at such an inhospitable time of the year and somehow remained warm and comfortable. Sometimes I’d slide beneath the lower boughs, looking up from the base of the trunk, breathing in that lovely pine and feeling part of this world in a way that thrilled and confirmed my existence. There were moments when I froze there, hidden by the tree and whatever early presents had made their way beside me, while my parents or brother would hurry by, not noticing either of us – the tree or me – and I was left in smug reassurance tinged with wonder and worry

These days I leave the tree entirely to Andy, who still feels the magic I once felt, and does his best to share it with me. Most years I’ll finish with the last few ornaments to be hung, but this year I simply didn’t feel like it. Mom gave up on her tree as well, allowing Emi and her boyfriend to decorate it and set it up.

Maybe Christmas belongs to our childhoods.

Maybe I already gave it up years ago.

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A Cozy Christmas Scene

My entirely unorthodox and way-out-of-the-box intention for this holiday season, and the winter beyond, is that it be cozy. A cozy Christmas. Filled with warmth and simplicity, peace and good-will. The most hum-drum and mundane theme one could possibly hope to find in a Christmas season, and yet of late it also seems to be the most elusive. Maybe because we all assume those tenets of the holidays are naturally part of it we forget that it won’t just happen without a little work. Toward that end, I’ve decorated the Boston condo for our annual Holiday Stroll with Kira and the Children’s Holiday Hour (for which we are down to one child this year), and planned a few intimate diners with long-time friends. That is enough for now. 

Our attic has been filled with candles and a simple tree that will glow into January. Adding to our happy holiday intention is the line-up of holiday movies that we’ve been finding on television lately  – ‘A Christmas Story’, ‘Christmas Vacation‘, ‘Aunt Mame’, ‘The Man Who Came to Dinner’, ‘Gremlins’, ‘It Happened on 5th Avenue‘. Ever since we turned off the horrid news channels, the house has been brighter and lighter and so much more enjoyable. I don’t think I realized how heavy and upsetting it was making us – and why we would let something over which we clearly have no control dominate any space in our lives is beyond me. This is refreshingly better. Happier and healthier too. It dovetails with some new boundaries with family and friends, which have made for easier days – it’s so much friendlier with two, and Andy and I have been happily hunkering down for the march to and through winter. 

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An Almost-Winter Moon

Our next full moon is almost due, along with the end of Mercury in retrograde motion – both set to occur on December 15. Until that time, prepare to be maddened by the insanity of all the astrological unease at work, and do your best to harness the energy such heavenly-body motion affords. That it should come right in the midst of the holiday season is traditionally one of life’s little fuck-overs, but at least this one is set to finish before the Christmas finale. Buckle up, buttercups

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Getting Our Stroll On

Friday the 13th be damned, today marks the kick-off to a beloved tradition – my Holiday Stroll weekend with Kira. I’ve added an extra night this year to ease into Boston rather than rush things, as much for an escape as for an opportunity to simply be in the city, instead of hastily moving through it. The holidays are advancing much too swiftly for my liking, and I’m hoping to slow things down, to be fully present in the present moment. It happens this way every year, and every year I get a little better at it, and a little worse. 

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An Endless Omelette By Andy

One of the rediscovered joys of this holiday season has been home-time with Andy. While it’s always been something I’ve appreciated and adored, it means a bit more as the world around us shudders with awfulness, and even those people we thought would be with us forever dwindle and disappear. A time of uncertainty brings a time of realignment, and finding refuge in a partner is the safest bastion against an ever-threatening world. 

On a recent morning I requested one of his omelettes – he opted for a ham and cheese, and turned it into an endless plate of delectable goodness, one that went on almost too long for me to finish it. Almost – I can fit a lot into my mouth and stomach (just ask Andy how I got the nickname ‘Gummie’). When you fill the stomach with a meal made by a loved one, you fill the heart as well, and a full heart is how the holidays should be celebrated. 

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Lights, Camera, Ornaments!

Andy has always handled the erection… of our Christmas tree.

That includes selecting it, putting it up, trimming it, and keeping it watered through Little Christmas (and often beyond). It brings him more joy than it would me, which is strange since that used to be one of my favorite things. Life changes us, so much so that I now view the whole Christmas tree process as a bit of drudgery, and if it weren’t for Andy I doubt I’d even bother

That said, I’ll still succumb to the magic of being in a room with only the glow of the tree in front of me, and embrace the magnificent scent of balsam first thing in the morning, the way I used to do as a kid. For that, I’m grateful that Andy still makes the effort, and if I have any Christmas spirit this year it’s largely due to him. 

Right now, as of the very moment of this writing, he has finished with the lights and the angel, and is about to embark on the ornaments. There is a simplicity to its look now that I admire, but I also anticipate the arrival of the decorations, and with them the memories we have made over the past twenty-four years. 

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A Revisit by the Christmas Rodent

Echoing shades of this year’s holiday card, this little squirrel is Andy’s homage to ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’, and hides in our tree for savvy viewers to find. Little unexpected delights like that are the best part of any proper Christmas. Winks of whimsy, flights of fancy, and favorite things comprise the holiday. Hidden treats in a Christmas tree are the whole point of such a tree. 

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A Day of Comfort

This fall season has been about boundaries and protection, of fortifying the heart and home against threats past, present and future. It’s strange the way things that have happened so long ago still have the power to hurt, especially when viewed in greater retrospect so that patterns and repeated offenses are seen in their diabolical totality. Perhaps because of the immensity that such realizations occupy in the mind, I’ve had to take things slowly, distancing myself from similar situations and retreating to the people I love and trust.

Thankfully, Andy has been a trooper and pillar of support, even if I haven’t quite shared everything that has been evolving in my head regarding my family. He senses a downtrodden sense of hurt running through my days now, juxtaposed with a sense of freedom that balances things out with a lightness, and I’ve done my best to keep him free of familial drama. 

As I navigate how to work through this without burning it all down to the ground, he’s been a kind and patient husband, and last Saturday he turned a dim day into a warm one of holiday happiness, which is the last thing I expected. It began with a ham and cheese omelette (pictures of appreciation in a later post), and as I spent most of the day writing in the attic, he snuck out to pick up our Christmas tree – something he’s done for most of the past twenty four Christmases. I took a nap, and when I woke not only was the house filled with the delightful perfume of fresh balsam pine, there was an intermingling scent of beef stew boiling away on the stovetop. A day of comfort and coziness, courtesy of the person I gave my heart to all those years ago. 

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Absence Makes the Heart Grow

When Suzie and my therapist give me the same advice, I know it is sound and likely something that I should probably heed. In this case, it was putting some distance between me and my family, something that is directly anathema to the way I was raised, and to how I’ve tried to conduct my life over the past few decades. That’s a long time to indoctrinate the psyche into a routine, and all the more difficult to break because of it.

In the Philippines, nothing is more important than family. You stick together no matter what, bound by blood and living arrangements, and you do for family what you would never do for anyone else. In my own prickly, socially-anxious way, I’ve tried to do that for the past half-century, and it’s taken me all that time to realize that the idea of family has changed. 

Whether it was the example of Dad sending money back to the Philippines and supporting his siblings, or the opposite end of the spectrum of my Mom pining and wishing for a playmate as an only child, the notion of family was drilled into my head. Over the years, the addition of guilt, and the spoken and unspoken responsibilities and expectations of the first-born child, created shadows upon shadows, and I struggled with being a good son and brother in the face of often-disparate treatment. It manifested itself in various ways of acting out and deciphering how to gain unconditional love when I was so decidedly different. That cannot have been easy for any of us, and in seeing that now I am given a glimpse of how to forgive

Part of that is in the decision to step back at this point. While COVID may have contributed to a lessening of time spent with them, I’d slowly and quietly started to pull away from family for several years. After a big blow-out fight with my brother at Christmas one year, and the umpteenth time that my parents asked me to be the understanding one, I remember sitting at their kitchen table and just crying. It wasn’t so much out of sadness or injustice anymore, it was simple exasperation. In a scene that would be repeated again and again, my Mom realized it was wrong and apologized, but the words rang hollow because they’d been said before and would be said over and over in the years to come. We’re always sorry, and we always just keep on hurting each other. 

And so for my own mental well-being, I’ve withdrawn a lot over the last few years, cutting back on planning get-togethers, no longer insisting that I maintain some type of friendship with my brother, and I’ve noticed that no one has picked up the slack, which is its own message, and its own confirmation. If I feel excluded these days, it’s as much my fault as anyone else’s, but I now realize there is purpose and reason for it; people will find a way, no matter how convoluted or bizarre, to protect themselves from hurt, even if it’s all we’ve ever known.

My own head is adept at self-preservation, even when I’m not quite aware of what is happening. Like animals born in captivity, we don’t necessarily know what we’re missing, it just never feels quite right, and fitting into a typical boy’s mold in this world is trying enough for most boys. It was also a long time ago – another generation really, and things were decidedly different. There was so much we simply didn’t know. 

There are deeper things at work here, stories and situations that I’ve mostly held back, as much out of protecting them as for my own desire to move beyond and pretend they never happened. That’s not always healthy, and as much as I want to let it go, I also need to exhume and address them, if only to acknowledge and move beyond the hold and influence they continue to exert. 

The holidays have always exacerbated this; instead of being a healing time, they seem to bring out all the latent grievances, illuminating and highlighting the chasm that has grown between me and a family from which I’ve always felt, and been treated, as different. Too delicate for some, too harsh for others, and no way of winning or even being unconditionally loved or accepted. In turn, I’ve created my own ostracization – for protection, for prevention, for punishment – and for the preservation of my own worth. 

That is going to have to be ok for this holiday season. 

That is going to have to be enough. 

And it will be.

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Basic Snacks 101

There are times when only a Ritz cracker and some peanut butter will do. 

And then years will go by without me eating them. 

Life is beautiful in all its whims. 

(Add ginger ale for extra nostalgia.)

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Changing the Channel for Christmas… and More

Turning off the news has been one of the wiser decisions of our household, and now that all the Christmas programming is in full-effect, it’s been even more of a joy. Here are a few of my favorites – and I’ll always let one of these play out when they happen to come across the screen. Unplugging the news has been something many of my friends have done long ago – we are recent happy converts, and it’s opened up our days and nights in wonderful ways. When that unfortunate regime-change kicks in come January, our old news-watching habits will be a dim, depressing and ever-distant memory. I won’t be at all sad to see it go. 

We’ll ring in the new year with TCM, and keep the old-fashioned cinema rolling into 2025. 

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Words To Live By

“If we can create a breathtaking effect, it’ll be simple to monopolize all the worthwhile men.”  ~ Meet Me In St. Louis

See also, “These things must be done delicately.” ~ The Wizard of Oz

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Bringing Back the Beefcake

Chris Salvatore has been a favorite of these parts for as many years as we’ve been going (I won’t insult anyone by revealing just how long that has been). From his singing and acting endeavors, to his underwear enterprise to his OnlyFans stardom, Salvatore has proven a remarkably resilient entertainer and performer, who is selling out of his calendar for next year. Move fast to get yours at his website here

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