The Madonna Timeline: Song #157 – ‘Illuminati’ ~ Summer 2015

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Once upon a summer I threw an Illuminati Party. Ignorant of the ways of the illuminati, I only wanted to wear a crazy costume of faux deer antlers and inspire intrigue in the midst of a mid-summer night. This song provided the soundtrack for the costumed event, swirling about in frenzied delight and damnation, its beats skittering and frenetic. The invitations invoked the stereotypical idea most of us have of the illuminati, which is all a party invitation can really do; if you want depth look into a project or something more lasting than a party. Yet for party themes, this one was as good as any, and afforded guests the opportunity to dress up in whatever surreal get-up they wished.

IT’S NOT JAY-Z AND BEYONCÉ
IT’S NOT NICKI OR LIL WAYNE
IT’S NOT OPRAH AND OBAMA
THE POPE AND RIHANNA
QUEEN ELIZABETH OR KANYE
IT’S NOT PENTAGRAMS OR WITCHCRAFT
IT’S NOT TRIANGLES OR STACKS OF CASH
BLACK MAGIC OR GAGA
GUCCI OR PRADA
RIDING ON THE GOLDEN CALF

The chaotic drama surrounding the leaked release of Madonna’s ‘Rebel Heart’ album finds its musical accompaniment in this crazy track (and crazy in a crazy-good way). It’s an intriguing cut that sounds better than it really should. Parts of it remind one of a barking dog, parts are grating, parts are beautiful, and parts are puzzling. It almost comes together, and then it does, and then it falls apart before reassembling again. Schizo in the best and worst ways. Not unlike a summer party, when moon-drenched madness threatens drama at every turn, and romantic dalliances are just as likely to occur as knock-down-drag-out fights are. That’s summer. No one escapes the heat.

THE ALL-SEEING EYE IS WATCHING TONIGHT
THAT’S WHAT IT IS
TRUTH AND THE LIGHT
THE ALL-SEEING EYE IS WATCHING TONIGHT
NOTHING TO HIDE
THE SECRET’S INSIDE
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI
IT’S THE ENLIGHTENMENT THAT STARTED IT ALL
THE FOUNDING FATHERS WROTE IT DOWN ON THE WALL
AND NOW THE MEDIA’S MISLEADING US ALL
TURNED RIGHT INTO WRONG

A towering angel’s trumpet lowers its pendulous blooms to eye-level, releasing its intoxicating lemon-like fragrance into the heavy air. What poison carries on its perfume? What spells does such sweetness cast? A sense of the lurid hides behind each smile, a bee ready to sting lurks in each blossom. In the summer darkness, everything turns dangerous. The pool lures chipmunks and toads to their watery graves, like the candlelight brings moths to their fiery ends. We dive beneath to escape the licking flames. No one is safe in a summer night.

IT’S TIME TO DANCE AND TURN THIS DARK INTO SOMETHIN’
SO LET THE FIRE BURN, THIS MUSIC IS BUMPIN’
WE’RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER, LOVE NEVER DIES
IT STARTS TONIGHT…

Picasso and Dali turned the world upside down, tugged at its natural order, and disturbed time so much that it literally melted before our eyes. A new world order indeed… The very best artists set such disturbances into motion. The proverbial butterfly flutters its wings in pretty, menacing fashion. The other side of the earth shudders and waits.

BEHIND THE CURTAIN OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER
IT’S NOT PLATINUM ENCRYPTED CORNERS
IT’S NOT ISIS OR THE PHOENIX
PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT
DON’T MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING SORDID
IT’S NOT STEVE JOBS OR BILL GATES
IT’S NOT THE GOOGLE OF UNITED STATES
IT’S NOT BIEBER OR LEBRON
CLINTON OR OBAMA
OR ANYONE YOU’D LOVE TO HATE
THE ALL-SEEING EYE IS WATCHING TONIGHT
THAT’S WHAT IT IS
TRUTH AND THE LIGHT
THE ALL-SEEING EYE IS WATCHING TONIGHT
NOTHING TO HIDE
THE SECRET’S INSIDE
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI

For the Rebel Heart Tour, Madonna used this song as a late-hour interlude. Her dancers climbed atop impossibly flexible poles, which soon swayed and turned to their own fantastical form. Defying gravity and physics (or masterfully employing them as the case may be) they were a show unto themselves, because even when she’s absent the stage, Madonna knows how to entertain.

YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTHING THAT GLITTERS AIN’T GOLD
SO LET THE MUSIC TAKE YOU OUT OF CONTROL
IT’S TIME TO FEEL IT IN YOUR BODY AND SOUL
COME ON, LET’S GO
WE’RE GONNA DANCE AND TURN THE DARK INTO SOMETHIN’
SO LET THE FIRE BURN, THIS MUSIC IS BUMPIN’
WE’RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER, LOVE NEVER DIES
IT STARTS TONIGHT
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI
IT’S LIKE EVERYBODY IN THIS PARTY’S SHINING LIKE ILLUMINATI

SONG #157: ‘Illuminati’ – Summer 2015

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A Few Foul Words of Wisdom

Don’t get your manties in a bunch.

Or, as my former Structure manager used to say (and my Uncle soon co-opted): calm the fuck down, shit’ll get done.

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All the Other Octobers

After this double-whammy of a recap, it feels like a bit of a cop-out to put up another linky post, but fuck it, a cop-out it shall be. It’s the end of September as I write this, and the sun is shining and the breeze is on the warm side, and I will be damned if I stay inside a moment longer typing on this lap-top. Seize the day! Seize the sun! Seize the links of some of the Octobers that came before!

October 2018 ~ In which a fountain lulls me to sleep, a favorite Aunt celebrates her birthday, and a favorite slew of Madonna songs embodies the season. Oh, and PVRTD.

October 2017 ~ In which a robe determines one’s destiny, ‘Sex’ and ‘Erotica’ come to a head,  and Halloween makes a surprise appearance

October 2016 ~ In which Nick Jonas shows off some naked side ass, a night in New York demanded not one but two posts, and the leaves fall in Boston

October 2015 ~ In which I dyed my hair blue, got banned from FaceBook for this booty shot, and got naked in random hotel rooms for the sake of a tour. Also, the incontrovertible turn

October 2014 ~ In which the bitter mingles with the sweet, a mermaid resides in this cozy residence, the last of the flowers gives up its show, this racy look back on stormy days is made artful by the black and white, and I hold onto my penis for dear life

October 2013 ~ In which a favorite recipe gets its time in the sun, David Beckham gets into his briefs, and Zac Efron gets naked

October 2012 ~ In which we hear the music for Falling, we stand by the ocean in Ogunquit, we spend some time with the Ilagan twins, and we make a visit to Sharon Springs, home of the Beekman Boys.

October 2011 ~ In which I recall the memories of ‘Material Girl‘ and ‘The Power of Goodbye‘ and give toast to the Vesper

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A Scintillating September Recap

This post will be doing multiple-duties since we didn’t have a recap last week – summarizing the final days of summer, the arrival of fall, and everything else that’s happened in the last two weeks. Let’s get right to it so you can check out what you may have missed in the maelstrom:

Newsflash: according to Madonna, life is a circle. See ‘Extreme Occident.’ 

The potent cocktail that knocked everyone on their ass. 

A plant for the kitty

Sunday brunch for the family

A watermelon appetizer with some verve and bite. 

Summer concluded with a four part recap, starting with this Speedo-clad dose of gratuitous silliness

Part Two of the summer recap was all about the heat of July and all the florals that came with it (and the Speedo slips off at the end)

Bringing up the third part of summer was the shenanigans of August, that sultry time of the year which always begs for more

The last part of the summer recap featured even more Speedo shots because September demanded it

Aww shit, I should have just linked you to this post, which combines all the summer recaps in one place. 

As soon as summer ended, we went immediately into our fall season, starting off with a seven part series on my state career thus far. That’s never been something I’ve written about much in these parts, but I was feeling nostalgic, and with all the back-to-school stuff it felt like a fitting time for those of us in the workforce, especially other government workers. Check out all the stories below:

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part 1

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part 2

Confessions of a New York State Worker- Part 3

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part 4

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part 5

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part 6

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part 7

Greeting September with something short but powerful. 

Kick-starting the fall with this bopping bit of brilliance by Michael Buble.

Was this dragonfly a repeat visitor? It felt like we met before. 

Fall is for gentle piano music. Things will get stormy enough. 

A pile of leaves burns and releases its smoke into the fall air. Crisp bite of mid-morning, sharp sliver of sunlight, and whispers of witches ride on the night wind. Cast a spell of autumnal enchantment

I’ve always known about Adam Lambert’s Superpower

A September song as sung by Ella Fitzgerald. 

These hunks with bulges transformed the dwindling days of September into sexy scintillation. 

When it’s too early even for morning wood

Hunks of the Day included the following gents: Kamil Nicalek, Riz AhmedNathaniel Bucolic, Brandon WhitlockCody Fern, and Bowen Yang.

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Greeting Old Age Early in the Morning

It finally happened.

At approximately 4:36 AM, September 25, 2019, I entered old age.

Because at that time, I woke up without an alarm, tossed and turned for a few minutes, then got up because I could not get back to sleep. I am officially old.

It took a while to process. In my head, I’ve been an old man since I was ten, so I’m not really bothered by it. I also think our ageist society has to stop using terms like ‘old man’ in a derogatory way. My celebration of shifting into the second half of my life begins now, and I intend to make it just as crazy and fun as the first – if not more-so. (Second acts are supposed to be better, according to some.) And if it means I’m going to be up with a few hours to populate, you may be getting more posts with more content (witness the heft of that ‘Confessions of a State Worker‘ series – not saying it was supremely exciting, but it was well-documented!)

As for this particular morning, the world is cloistered in darkness. A bouquet of Northern sea oats sits upright, intentionally drying and arching its elegant stems. Another bouquet of roses sits wilted, unintentionally drying because I’ve been too lazy to throw it out. Two small vases, each filled with a faded fern, are further evidence of neglect. These are things I never would have revealed during the light of day. It’s easy to be confessional at this early hour. Maybe that is the path this blog will begin to take. It’s not all fun and games. It’s not all prettiness and perfection, I can more than vouch for a multitude of mistakes. Too often I try to paint things as pretty when the reality is a little less lovely.

Even so, there is beauty here too. Faded roses aren’t unpretty.

They’re just a little older.

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Falling into Hunks & Bulges

The Hunk of the Day feature will return for its fall bow in just a quick tick-tock. The perfect segue from summer to fall is embodied in the bulges of a Speedo, especially when filled out by diver Jack Laugher, who is laughing all the way to hunkdom and an ever-increasing collection of perpetual posts here. Mr. Laugher leads off a group of hunks to usher in the fall season, when hot things are appreciated more than ever. 

Jack gives as good front as he gives good back. Search the archives if you’re still a disbeliever. 

Drake gives one last pool shot as we wave goodbye to summer. 

Liam Payne and Ryan Phillippe make a dashing pair of shirtless male celebrities. Liam first disrobed in this fun collection of gents, while Ryan took his clothes off in this one. 

Dancer Roberto Bolle displays why dancers make the best Hunks of the Day, so ge gets two photos here because everyone agrees he’s worth it. 

Charlie Puth shaved off most of his hair, hopefully for a good reason, as it’s kind of missed here. 

Gus Kenworthy and Taron Egerton in various bulge-revealing costumes – and how better to mark the change of seasons? (Seems a naked Gus Kenworthy doesn’t mind swinging his thing in the snow. Or the sun.)

Closing out this first hunky post for the fall is a pair of Shawn Mendes GIFs. Mr. Mendes has lately been making news for kissing, but it’s much better when he’s on the map for posing in his underwear. See here and dare to disagree.

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Another Song of September

September roses mean more. To begin with, they are so much rarer than roses in June, which overflow from every corner and every garden. In September, a rose is often a singular thing, popping up unexpectedly in some late-season second-showing, usually smaller but somehow richer of color than its high summer brethren. September roses remind me of the delicate preciousness of life, something we might forget in the riotous sunny tumult of summer, when the rambunctious growth of a garden goes on untethered and unchecked. By this time of the year, I want to cut it all back, to start again in the way only a spell of winter can provide.

OH, IT’S A LONG, LONG WHILE FROM MAY TO DECEMBER
AND THE DAYS GROW SHORT WHEN YOU REACH SEPTEMBER
THE AUTUMN WEATHER TURNS THE LEAVES TO FLAME
AND I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THE WAITING GAME

Perhaps you’re thinking it’s much too soon to use the threat of winter. And perhaps you’re right. There’s so much fall first. Beautiful, fleeting, heartbreaking fall, captured in a song with a tinge of sadness, a tinge of September. The blush of a rose is less bashful now. We’ve already taken our clothes off.

OH, THE DAYS DWINDLE DOWN TO A PRECIOUS FEW
SEPTEMBER, NOVEMBER
AND THESE FEW PRECIOUS DAYS I’LL SPEND WITH YOU
THESE PRECIOUS DAYS I’LL SPEND WITH YOU.

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Adam Lambert’s Not-So-Secret Superpower

ALL OF THE WITCHES AND THE DEMONS BETTER GET OUT MY WAY…

Adam Lambert is back in a major way, thanks to his latest EP ‘Velvet: Side A’ out now. Lead single ‘Superpower’ is, well, nothing short of super. It’s got a groove and a theme of self-empowerment that simply shines. The funk is strong with this one, so lay it down for a Saturday night out and get your pimp on. Bonus points for that green suit.

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Casting Fall Spells ~ Autumnal Enchantment

Fall carries its mysteries like smoke on the wind. As predictable as where the oak leaf falls on an especially blustery day, it proves eternally elusive and impossible to pin down. The forest of fall holds these enchantments in a tantalizingly veiled fashion. Shrouded in fog, brittle of path, it winds its way like the haphazard pattern of ancient gnarled roots – turning here and twisting there in dizzying, chaotic form. You do not want to get lost in the forest.

These were the thoughts that swirled around in the over-active imagination of my younger self. On a sunny fall afternoon, I was lying on the dark green carpet of the living room and idly deciding what to do next. An hour in the life of a child is endless; to bend time so successfully is one of the few spells all children can master.

The living room of my childhood home was lined with built-in bookshelves. They stretched from floor to ceiling, and some of the books had been left by the family who lived there before my father bought the house. A few were signed (by the owner, not the writers) and dated from the 1920’s. The older books were the most fascinating to me, the way they creaked open, their smell of dust and deteriorating paper; it was the scent of sepia- my first lesson in how colors could have scents simply by association.

There were other books, added by my family – Bibles for children and adults, ‘The Adventures of Olga da Polga’ (a guinea pig), the colorful Childcraft series, and a gloriously-gilt-bound set of encyclopedias. I was entranced by the latter’s gold-edged leaves, and the way they only shone such prettiness when packed tightly together. There were stranger book titles that meant nothing to me at such a young age – ‘The Bastard’ for instance – which my brother and I would occasionally call each other because we knew it was bad. There was another book, whose title escapes me because I’m sure some forgetful curse was cast so I wouldn’t and couldn’t repeat what I learned there, and it was the most enchanting of them all. It was a book of witch spells and enchantments, artfully rendered with some fantastical old-world font, with pages that had ripened to weathered shades of beige and brown. I don’t even remember what the spells were for, nor the ingredients required, I just recall the feeling of possibility it stirred – the blossoming of an imagination that would help me survive the terrifying realities of being a child.

I wanted to work in such magic, to possess powers that made me special, that made me into something more. Inhabiting the realm of imagination, I went into the kitchen and concocted my own magic potion – rosemary, parsley, pepper, paprika – anything that looked interesting. I couldn’t put into words what I wanted to happen. Transformation of some sort, I suppose. Into a bowl I added water to the spice mixture, and then a bit of soap. I expected it to start smoking at every new addition, and of course that never happened. Even when I did get a reaction, such as when I finally learned about mixing vinegar and baking soda, the thrill of it all was fleeting, momentary. It didn’t deliver on the promised magic in my head.

What would these spells grant me? What spells might I cast if I learned these secret ways? Opening the door to my imagination, I entered a world where all was safety and beauty and brilliance and magic. Charms of protections hung on every door, before and after entrance, and a wave of burning stick of sage drove off dangerous spirits.

In the kitchen sink, beneath the fluorescent light of dim reality, my sad potion sat, giving off a depressing odor of spices run amok in the dishwasher. I swirled it around with a wooden spoon then washed it down the drain. There was no magic here. I turned my attention to the world beyond the windows.

Outside, the day was warm and the land was dry. Leaves of oak and maple had started to fall and wide swaths of acorns thrown haphazardly by mischievous squirrels spread out from where the lawn met the uncultivated part of our backyard. Back then I was more comfortable in the forest than possibly anywhere else. I knew by heart the paths, worn mostly by me, that led down the bank behind our house – which one would take me to the large rock that jutted out from the incline and acted like a little cliff and which one would take me down to the murky little valley that held high stands of Japanese knotweed and daylilies. I knew that the best way to blend in was not to be outfitted in camouflage and netting, but to simply be still and quiet. Creatures of the forest detect sound and movement more than color or form. If you sit still long enough the chipmunks and squirrels will walk right by you, as if you were a cemetery statue, patience and stillness being its own invisibility charm.

Spending the after-school afternoon hours in the forest was the best antidote for anything bad that may have happened during the day. There was a calm like no other as I made my way from the sunny exposed expanse of our lawn into the filtered light of the woods. This was a different sort of home, furnished with carpets of moss and beds of leaves, stools fit for toads and canopies of silk for spiders. The enchantment I so wanted to conjure from a book of spells was suddenly all around me, and as brightly-colored leaves fell from the sky like so many canaries and goldfinches, I felt the magic of fall descend in one fiery, breathtaking motion.

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Confessions of a New York State Worker ~ Part 7: Denouement

“Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.” ~ Mark Twain

Before getting in the car to go to work at this time of the year, I step into the backyard and check on how many morning glories have opened at the break of dawn. At this time of the year they are plentiful, and their colors are somehow richer and deeper, having earned such a flush with the cooler nights. If the temperatures remain cool, and if the day is slightly overcast, they will stay open a little longer- the pay-off for exiting summer even if we wouldn’t have minded extending its stay. I haven’t had to plant new morning glories in years – these continually reseed in abundance – and such persistence and resilience is admirable. There is a lesson in that – in the way that morning glories bloom most prolifically when challenged with poor soil and difficult growing conditions. The greatest show comes from the humblest beginning. In no way do I think that I’m putting on the greatest show, nor did I come from the humblest beginning, but somewhere in between the two I’m finding my way.

As I passed my anniversary with the state of New York last month, I found myself walking right by the very first building in which I worked. I remembered my first days there – how young I was, how nervous I felt, and how hopeful I tried to be. I also recall that, in some aspects, trying on the state worker mantle was a temporary lark in my mind. I had no idea it would turn into an 18-years-and-counting career, and it was better that way. Would I have started it at all if those golden handcuffs were clinking near my ear? I don’t know. But life has a way of unfolding exactly as it should, and my state career would take twists and turns that carved me into a better worker, and in many ways a better person. It would simultaneously challenge and disappoint, bore and surprise, nourish and enrich, inspire and delight – and ultimately lead me on a path that was filled with kindness, connections, loyalty and friendship.

State service and government work are not fields in which I thought I would ever play a part. Neither is Human Resources. The truth is that I’m not the greatest Human Resources person in the world. It is, in many ways, a difficult fit for someone whose natural tendency is to shy away from people and keep to himself. Yet in ways I have only begun to touch upon it has enabled me to expand my comfort zone, to push a little harder to be part of society, and to get closer to people on a broader and more specific scale. It has taught me to be kinder, more patient, and better – especially on those days when I fail a little. Looking back over the past eighteen years of working for New York State, I’m grateful for every twist and turn my path has taken, for all the people I’ve had the good fortune to meet and come to know, and for the chances I’ve been lucky enough to earn and get. Perhaps most importantly, I’m thankful to have reached a point of understanding that a fulfilling career is not about reaching a certain level of accomplishment or salary – it’s about each moment along the way.

I’ve had some wonderful moments… and I’m still looking forward to more.

See also the following:

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part One

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part Two

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part Three

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part Four

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part Five

Confessions of a New York State Worker – Part Six

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

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Vision of a Starry Night

A fall night.

Light and shadows, gray across the bed.

Without my glasses, a haze around everything.

This song plays mournfully, then feverishly, in the background.

I bought the CD based on its cover – a colorful, abstract night-time scene of a starry sky, hung with a moon, and up close a black cat. Slightly surreal, slightly serene, it is a lonely slice of whimsy. That appeals to me, despite the fact that I know better. Not unlike a book, a CD’s cover art should never be the basis for purchase. I took a chance, and in one slow and simple chord progression it all sounded worth it.

Since that time, this song has embodied the fall for me, starting out in such peaceful and sublime style, then dotted with bits of storm and flux, unstable systems and restless time signatures before reverting and resolving in relief and exhaustion, an echo of its opening beauty

Night shadows in an empty room.

The slow cadence of piano notes.

Absence of light, craters of tension.

The mournful hush of my own breathing.

Fall whispers its sinister secrets into an unhearing ear.

I laugh because I don’t know what else to do.

Laughter and a smile the ultimate mask – a layer of protection against those spirits that sense sadness and take up residence there. September was coming soon and now it’s almost gone. All that we have left is the moon. And a vision of a starry night.

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Confessions of a New York State Worker ~ Part 6

“Becoming is better than being.” – Carol Dweck

A proper power lunch requires a proper tie.

And a proper location.

A pink polka dot pattern backed with black for the former, and an afternoon reservation at 677 Prime for the latter.

After Marline sent out a feeler of whether or not I’d be interested in coming back to DEC, Sherri and I set up a meeting. Sherri was now the Associate Director, and we were going to talk about what a return might look like – hours and schedules and supervision – as well as catch up because I missed her and hadn’t seen her in a while.

At first I must admit I was not even remotely entertaining a return to DEC, even if it was at a higher grade than what I had left as. I’d made investments in OCFS, on a number of levels, and they had certainly invested in me. When I stepped into that position I did my best to put all my focus and energy on making it the place where I’d build the rest of my career. I took on new assignments without complaint and did whatever was asked, and I got on so well with everyone that it wasn’t a chore and never a bore to come to work. We got through the difficult situations together, usually with a laugh, and I didn’t want to lose that. I’d also seen firsthand the good work the agency did, something we tend to lose sight of when cloistered in our Human Resources tower.

As much as I was committed to OCFS at this point, an offer of earlier hours and a compressed work schedule where I would have every other Friday off, was ultimately a better fit for me and my situation. Sitting down beside Sherri in a booth in the back of 677, we discussed those terms, and when DEC proved amenable to them, I felt it was time to return, despite how difficult it was to come to that decision. In many respects this decision was tougher than leaving DEC, and I spent a few days agonizing over what to do, discussing it with Andy, and making another list of the benefits and drawbacks of all options.

Breaking it to the beloved people at OCFS was one of the sadder things I’ve had to do in my state career, because I wasn’t leaving for any negative reason. I arrived the next day with three bouquets for the inspirational women who had given me such a generous chance. Tonya saw me coming with flowers and knew what was happening; she had been my supervisor and was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to leave. We got along perfectly, and I’d like to think we each brought something new and valuable to each other’s life. (She was also married to a cop so we had a lot in common as well.) Before I left, we had a gathering where they presented me with a box of chocolates – I put on my best game face pretending to be grateful (whose idea was it to get me chocolate?), when they urged me to open it up. I broke through the plastic and lifted the lid to find a bottle of a Tom Ford Private Blend – ‘Oud Fleur’ – because Ginny had gone around and said that’s what I would like (I’d also told her everything that was on a Christmas gift wish list). I came very close to crying as I looked around the room at all the wonderful people I’d come to know and genuinely like. I thought back to one of my first days with Carol, who at the time was about to go out for several weeks and who had left me with this bit of advice: “Do good work.” It was such a simple statement, but what power and grace it held. It would be difficult saying goodbye to my friends at OCFS, but I’m happy to say that we have kept in touch since then.

Returning to DEC, where I had spent the bulk of my state career, felt less like a homecoming and more of a waking from a dream. A very good dream in most ways, and it would take some time to get my DEC legs back again. It was April 2015 and another spring was at hand. In downtown Albany, new restaurants and storefronts had opened up. After winter, everyone seemed to be outside enjoying the sun. The linden trees ripened to darker green and their tightly-bound buds swelled into bloom, trailing sweet perfume all around them. At home, our gardens were renewed as well – I’d discovered the power of judicious editing, and occasionally ruthless pruning, to bring out the importance of space and balance. In many ways, it mirrored the work/lifestyle balance I’d carved out for myself within my state career. The morning glories were back too, winding their way up and through a Korean lilac and some maiden grass. They promised more beauty for later in the summer.

I was now supervising a couple of people, but since I had been away for a year, the transition proved easier than it might have been should I had stayed. Everything works out for a reason. Gaining experience in another office was beneficial in honing my skills in Human Resources. Exposure to other procedural methods enabled me to see things on a grander scale, and it was easier to identify the big picture instead of getting lost in the minutiae of a situation. It was also good for me to see how other agencies operated. Even in the same title, the protocol and processes of what we did differed in many ways – seeing that gave me a greater understanding of the basic tenets of the duties, while also affording a glimpse into different methods of doing things. Being malleable and open to such change is an asset in the ever-evolving world of Human Resources. I must have done a few things well, because I was eventually promoted to an Associate Director Human Resources 1, something I could not have foreseen even if others claim they could.

Having a good friend as a supervisor doesn’t work for everyone, but it works especially well for me: Sherri is one the main reasons I wanted to return to DEC and she makes every day that much better. I thought back to our reunion lunch, and how I could just about begin to make out the vague outline of us ending out our careers together – and there’s something incredibly gratifying about that. The office is less lonely whenever I think of it. It’s also a place where new people have arrived and become part of our tapestry, adding their own shades and nuances, their own characters and natures, and we are lucky to be in a group where everyone gets along and likes one another. That’s not present in every office, and I consider us very fortunate in that respect.

While I don’t talk much about my state career here on this blog, it’s become something of which I’m proud and protective. Is this the dream job I would have envisioned for myself when I graduated from Brandeis and thought I wanted to be a writer for a living? No, it’s not that dream job – it’s a different dream job, made so by the good people who have populated my state journey over the years. And sometimes you have to make new dreams.

A little while after I started working for the state, someone described the ‘state slump’ – the way that after a certain number of years of working, people got this downtrodden slump in their walk and demeanor, a wearing down of enthusiasm and hope manifested in physical form. I’ve seen that in people. It’s not uncommon. But there are also those who never lose that sparkle, who keep a certain spring to their step, for whom every day is a new opportunity to do something worthwhile, to do something that might make the world, in however small a way, a bit better.

After almost two decades in the state work force, I’ve come to understand that this is a choice, and it’s a choice each of us makes every single day. The choice of whether to participate and be a part of life, to engage and make yourself part of the story, or the choice to go dark and apathetic, to distance and dismiss the opportunity to join in this strange, wonderful and surprisingly enriching journey. It is, and always has been, what we will make of it. The people who forget that they have that choice are the ones who seem the most miserable. I have days when I fail to see it, when I disappoint myself in getting bogged down with bureaucracy and red tape and rules that feel designed to impede progress. And at those times it’s best to slow down, take a moment to relax and recover, then go at it from a different angle and a new perspective. So much of an eventual good decision can be based on not deciding in that instant.

One of the best things I’ve learned over the years is that it is the process that is the most important part of the work, particularly in Human Resources, where we don’t always see the end results of our labors. We work our behind-the-scenes magic so that others may put on the show. For an introverted extrovert, that may be the ideal place for me, and after almost two decades of this journey, I’m finally beginning to see that.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” – Harriet Tubman

{See Part OnePart Two, Part Three, Part Four and Part Five.}

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Dragonfly Break

For those who need a break from the long-winded tale of my state career, I offer this post before we continue on that dull journey. This is my new friend. I’m not sure it’s who I think it is, but the story is happier that way, and means a little more, so if we have to pretend and make-believe a bit, I’m all for it. A stretch of the imagination keeps it sharp. 

A couple of days before summer ended, we had a nice stretch of sunny days and warmer weather. Our doors were opening and closing all the time, and one of us must have let a dragonfly into the house, because as Andy was pulling out of the driveway to get groceries, one of these magnificent creatures swooped into the kitchen where I was working and scared the shit out of me. It wasn’t because I was scared of dragonflies – quit the contrary: I admire them and feel rather warmly toward them, the way I do with bumblebees and butterflies. Still, having one in your house is a different matter entirely, and as it flew around the kitchen lights, I wondered how on earth I was going to capture and release it. They are notoriously quick, racing around the pool with lightning-fast turns and stunning aerial maneuvers. Andy wouldn’t be back for a while, so I kept my eye on the fluttering creature and surreptitiously grabbed a clear plastic pitcher. 

I was just testing to see how high I could reach, lifting the pitcher up toward the ceiling, and as I did so it must have caught the light, as the dragonfly fluttered right into it, settling on the bottom. I hadn’t even had time to grab something to cover it, but it stayed there on the bottom, gently flapping its wings but not going anywhere. Grabbing a plate, I quickly managed to cover it, peering at its magnificent form and gently reassuring it that I was about to set it free. Hey, who knows what our insects can hear – certain more than us I’m sure. It was smaller than most of the dragonflies one sees, and dull of color compared to the peacock-like rainbow others exhibit. I brought it into the backyard, took off the plate, and poured it into the night sky where it promptly took flight. I didn’t think much of it until the last day of summer. 

Swimming for what was likely the last time this year, I watched as bees and butterflies floated above the last of the seven sons flowers. At the end of the cup plant’s stems, long gone to seed, a chipmunk rustled and swayed on its precarious perch. Such daring! Such cheek! Such an easy target for a hawk! 

And then, as I made my way from the deep end to the shallow, a dragonfly darted by, then returned, as if playing in some anthropomorphic way. I thought back to the one I had brought out from the house. This one alighted first on the weeping larch. At first I just stood in the shallow end, taking in the moment of beauty and watching the creature as it sunned itself in the heat. It didn’t move so I pull myself out of the water and found my phone to snap a photo. It moved, but not far – landing on the nearby fig tree, where it posed for these pictures, as if thanking me for something, or simply acknowledging my peaceful presence, knowing I would not hurt it. 

I’m too cynical to believe it was the same dragonfly I had rescued a few days before, but it did look similar – dull in color, smaller than most of the dragonflies one sees in the summer – and I want to believe it is. 

We have such small recompense for kindness.

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Confessions of a New York State Worker ~ Part 5

“There is no time for cut-and-dried monotony. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.” – Coco Chanel

After almost ten years as a Personnel Administrator, Grade 18, I was on the list for the Associate Personnel Administrator, Grade 23. It was 2014, and I thought back to when I started with the state. To be honest, I never saw myself making it into a Grade 18 position, much less anything beyond. When I started as a Data Entry Machine Operator – what was then a Grade 5 position – I was just glad to be employed with a few good benefits. In some ways, that was the best attitude to maintain. Without any grandiose goals of managing or moving up, I was able to simply enjoy and do good work at whatever grade level I was able to obtain. I did what I could do to advance whenever possible, but I wasn’t ambitious to the extent that failing to move forward would upset me in any deep way. Still, with scant promotional offerings in my section and my time on the promotional eligible list running out, I took the first chance to interview for an Associate Personnel Administrator when other agencies began sending me canvass letters. Knowing that a canvass letter was probably just a formality, and that agencies had their own promotional lists to go through first, I really didn’t think much of it until I was contacted for the interview.

It was a winter afternoon when I walked into the Office of Children and Family Services – OCFS. The last remnants of dirty snow lined the sidewalk leading into the office, but the sun was shining, just on the verge of going down. A little early, I waited in the interview room, where the vestiges of paper plates and crumbs betrayed a birthday or some other celebration. It was later in the afternoon, and the place felt very still and quiet. That boded well for me. I would rather have quiet and calm than bustle and excitement. I looked out the window at the world in late winter. Grays and browns stretched all the way to the Hudson River. Beyond was my office building. The sun lowered itself in the sky and I followed its elongating shadows in the room. Waiting there, I had a profound feeling that this was it, that something was about to change for me that day. It was the same eerie notion I got while waiting for my first interview at Structure back when I was in college and looking for a part-time job. Call it a premonition, or just a sense that something new was afoot, I embraced the notion that some adventure was about to begin.

Three women merrily broke the silence as they entered the room and introduced themselves: Tonya, Carol and Mary. Of them, Carol did the most talking and seemed to take the lead. As the Director, Mary hung elegantly back, but when she did talk I thought she was hilarious. Tonya was all smiles and very welcoming, and I instantly felt I could work well with all of them. Interviews never made me very nervous – a strange blip in my otherwise-socially-anxious baseline. This interview was thoroughly enjoyable, and though I knew they were considering other candidates, I was honest and thoughtful in what I said, readily offering that I hadn’t spent my whole state career doing personnel work, and I would need a certain amount of training to reach the level of expertise required for a proper Associate level. At this point in my career, I found it best to be upfront and honest – and really, that’s worked for every stage of my employment. Even if it doesn’t always paint you as the candidate who has the most experience, people will appreciate honesty.

After such a good talk, it suddenly felt like I might be on the verge of being offered the position. Still, I had another interview lined up at another agency, so I went ahead with that because nothing in the state is guaranteed until you see it in writing. Also, it’s a good idea to take any interview in which you may be the least bit interested. The best way to improve your interview skills is to go on interviews and practice. At this second interview, I also had an enjoyable experience, but it was a case of a personal connection with the interviewers rather than a feeling of promise and hope that I’d gotten at OCFS. The other agency was a relatively young one, and it was described by its own employees as chaotic and difficult – never a good sign. The amount of hiring they were about to be doing also sounded ominous, and while coming in at the ground level of an operation is one way to have a hand in designing things to your specifications and preference, it is more often than not a position of flux and instability. That’s not a good scene for a Virgo. After the interview they made the first job offer to me, and I accepted – even if I really wanted the position at OCFS more. You don’t turn down a solid opportunity for the possibility of a chance at another. Luckily enough, a few days later OCFS made an offer, and I happily accepted. I brought a bouquet of flowers to the agency I now had to turn down, because the people I had met there were nice, and one never knows when our paths might cross again. That lesson is an important one: don’t ever burn bridges – there’s never a need for that. The person you’re brusquely ignoring one moment may be the one who’s interviewing you the next year. It’s another reminder to treat everyone with respect and care.

Upon receiving the offer from OCFS, I had to do some soul-searching. I’d spent more time at DEC than at all my other state positions combined. It would be a difficult move, a daunting move, but I was a different person than the one who walked tentatively into the Department of State a decade and a half ago. I talked it over at length with Andy, and actually made a list of the benefits and drawbacks of staying and leaving. In the end, I took the promotion, and the chance, and didn’t look back until I was across the Hudson River and happily ensconced in my new office near the train station.

Starting all over again in a new job when you’re almost forty years old can be a scary thing, yet this was the quickest and easiest assimilation into a new office I’d had. There was no frightening waiting period when I wondered if I would find a friend, no crippling worry over feeling comfortable. Maybe I was comfortable enough in my own skin and genuinely confident in what I could do that the old trepidation fostered by insecurity didn’t rear its head anymore. I felt like an accepted part of the office immediately, and while they had their minor squabbles, I loved everyone there. I still hang out with a couple of them to this day.

My supervisor Tonya was amazing, the director Mary was an impeccably-attired dynamo, and Carol and Ginny trained me from the ground up with patience and good humor that made coming to work less of a chore and more of a goal. There was much to learn – every agency does things differently, and while the rules and laws governing our hiring process are the same, the interpretation and methods to enact them can vary widely. Additionally, each agency has its own culture and atmosphere. While DEC had a noble mission, it wasn’t necessarily a human-services-oriented one. At OCFS, there was a welcoming warmth that mirrored their own mission to serve the children and families of the state of New York. There was a discernible difference in talking to the employees. It wasn’t that one was better or friendlier than the other – they were just markedly distinct, and it would take a while to relax into their system.

The days ticked by – the rush of spring into summer – and then the weeks followed suit. Our backyard had gone through several years of growth since I started working at the state, and in some spaces it was overgrown. We chopped down a cherry tree that had become much too unruly, and thinned out the ever-growing clumps of cup plants and miscanthus. Through it all, the morning glories continued to reseed themselves from that first sprinkling of seeds I made when we initially moved into the house. During this time, I acclimated myself to OCFS. By fall, I felt like an integral part of their team, almost like I had been there for my entire career. Learning new things at every turn, I felt the jolt of the challenge at hand, which included new supervisory responsibilities. OCFS had an amazing Supervisory Institute – in-depth, meaningful, intense, challenging, and ultimately rewarding and effective. It was there that I learned the importance of meetings with staff – not wasteful in time, frequency or duration – but meetings which offered each person an opportunity to address any work issues that they had. I learned that good supervisors didn’t refer to those who reported to them as ‘subordinates’ – a term that always irked me – but rather as ‘direct reports’ which was a more accurate name. (No one was above or below anyone, no matter what their title or grade level.) I learned the value of keeping records to evaluate one’s direct reports, because when it came time for the annual performance evaluation you would want to look back at those notes no matter how good your memory may be. Perhaps most important of all were the lessons in effective communication – both in having difficult conversations and stepping back to evaluate your own style, and deficiencies, of how we interact with others. Those lessons didn’t only benefit my work life, but bled into personal improvement as well.

During my time there, and in many of the meetings I had with those who reported to me, I would routinely hear their incredulous view of what one person called my ‘Zen-like’ ability to remain calm and not get annoyed or rattled or upset by something that just happened in the office. In truth, that was not something that I learned in any training course – my baseline level of comportment at work is a cool and somewhat aloof mode of stoic acceptance. I’ve simply never seen the benefit of getting bent out of shape or making a scene in the office. (Andy and certain family members may very well disagree, but homelife is a different series of blog posts.) At work, I strive to err on the side of professional detachment.

That said, there was a growing fondness I felt toward everyone in that office, even as the later hours and lack of a compressed work schedule began to eat into my creative endeavors. As much as I was becoming a part of OCFS, and as much affection as I held for everyone in that office, there was a part of me that realized there’s something to be said for days off and earlier hours, and an agency that provides such flexibility. I may not have any children, but I have a husband who has his own health issues, an aging set of parents that I try to see as much as possible, and a niece and nephew who aren’t always free on weekends. At around that same time, I heard from my old DEC office that there was now an opening for an Associate Personnel Administrator, and if I wanted to come back there might be an opportunity. It wasn’t part of my plan – I had fully invested and become a part of my OCFS office – so much so that I was already planning on hosting the retirement party for one of our co-workers. More touching was the fact that I felt such affection was genuinely reciprocated, and it was one of the first times I felt truly valued by an agency.

As winter limped away, the snow by the river dissipated. Once again, the DEC building shone in the distance with its glass dome like some sparkling denizen of the Emerald City. It beckoned to me, at first with a whisper, and then a missive from Marline. If there was one person who could be counted on for sage advice, it was her, and if she was putting forth the idea of my returning to DEC, that held a powerful meaning. 

{See Part OnePart Two, Part Three and Part Four.}

 

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Confessions of a New York State Worker ~ Part 4

“No work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

November 2004: It was the evening of the Beaujolais Nouveau Wine Celebration that benefited what was then the AIDS Council of New York (now the Alliance for Positive Health). Andy and I had been attending this event religiously since the days when it was first held at the Franklin Plaza in Troy, which is where it was on that fateful evening. I paired a jacket of black velvet and a frilly white shirt with faded jeans, then slipped on a fuchsia silk tie and pinned a chameleon made of crystals in the middle of it. This was a casual year for me. (I used to alternate between fancy and casual for this event, and the casual years were always more fun, and way more comfortable.) At such ease, I flitted about the party, talking to various people I’d come to know over the years. After half a decade in Albany, one gets to know many of its denizens. This is a small town.

Giddy off the martinis and the kick-off to the holiday season, I was talking to Jim again – who was fittingly one of the first people to coax me into a state career – when he mentioned that his friend Marline worked in Personnel at the Department of Environmental Conservation and I should talk to her about any possible jobs. I was at a party and didn’t really care to discuss work, but Jim was a good person who surrounded himself with good friends, so when he pointed her out to me I marched right over and plopped down in the seat next to her, introducing myself. She seemed a little taken aback, as most people do when I’m feeling bold enough to make such an introduction, then settled in with her glass of wine and we talked as if we’d known each other for years. I didn’t think much of it until a few months later when she was looking to fill a Secretary 1 position at her agency.

It was early spring of 2005. I’d just taken the Professional Careers Test for ‘professional’ level positions if you had a bachelor’s degree, and I’d scored 100 – a necessity to be canvassed, since so many people took that test. It was the first chance I’d had to take an exam for a Grade 18 position, and I was just beginning to get canvass letters back. I also understood the grinding halts that often accompanied advancing in a state career, so I remained on the look-out for a promotion, and when a Secretary 1 position opened up, I applied for a transfer.

It was not directly in her office, it was for the Office of Affirmative Action, and it would entail working with a supervisor who was, as Marline put it, someone I was either going to love or hate. Shrugging off those fateful words, I scheduled an interview, for practice and possibility, as I had just turned down an offer as a Budget Analyst – Grade 18 – at a different agency based on the frightening stories of tax season and all that would be required of me. (It wasn’t so much the hours and stress that scared me away, but the idea of doing budget work. That’s not in my wheelhouse.) But Affirmative Action was something I could do. At least, I thought it was.

[Today the term Affirmative Action is rife with conflicted interpretation and controversy, but when you understand and hear the history of why we have it (which is not a lesson I’m going to impart right now) you have a greater appreciation for it. I had an excellent Social Studies teacher in 11thgrade who impelled its importance on a level that was simple, powerful, and stays with me to this day. Now we have terms such as Diversity and Inclusion to more accurately reflect the changing role of its function.]

Far more than doing something meaningful, however, was the chance for a promotion, and once again I was contemplating a move to another agency to make that happen.

I drove downtown on a sunny day in April. The leaves had just started coming out in bright shades of chartreuse and lime, and I parked across the street from the DEC building. I remembered this area from my first job at the Department of State. It felt so long ago, but in reality it had only been a few years. I was back in downtown Albany and something felt right.

Marline met me in the lobby then brought us up to the 10thfloor. We went into an enclave and waited for the man who would be my supervisor to join us. Juan burst in and proceeded to regale us with colorful tales of his life in coarse, familiar language. He was a character to be sure, but one whom I could enjoy. In many respects he reminded me of my crazy, and favorite, Uncle. Marline was a little hesitant, unsure whether I would be able to handle or put up with him, I couldn’t tell which, but I already knew I could work with Juan, and a few weeks later they offered me the job.

As Juan’s Secretary 1, I watched, studied, and figured out the best ways to handle the responsibilities of the position. Guided mainly by Marline, I learned the job duties, but mostly I learned how to deal with one of the most complex, challenging, and at times infuriating characters to cross my state path. His one saving grace, that forgave a lot of personal issues, was that he truly cared about his job, about ensuring that every single person was afforded an opportunity to excel at their employment, and that we all had an equal chance for that. He fought for such above all else, and there was, and is, a nobility and honor in that which nothing else can touch. Oddly enough, I got on quite well with him, partly because I wouldn’t tolerate his nonsense and antics, and up until the end I’d like to think that we carefully guarded a mutual sense of respect and admiration for each other.

Juan taught me many things – more often than not it was about what I didn’t want to be, but there’s a valuable lesson in that too. I kept my head down and did the best job I could, and a few weeks into the job, someone found out I was on the Professional Careers list and proposed putting me into a Senior Personnel Administrator traineeship – which would lead to a grade 18 Senior Personnel Administrator position. I’d still be working with Juan, but gradually shift into more Human Resources-oriented work.

The summer of 2005 was big for me. I’d just turned 30 years old, I’d been promoted to a ‘professional’ position, and I was at an agency I not only enjoyed, but of which I could be proud. (You don’t usually find that kind of pride at Tax and Finance.) I would stay at DEC for almost ten years – longer than all my other state jobs put together. If I had to consider a single agency as my home, the Department of Environmental Conservation would be it. Along with Marline, I made a number of other good friends who became much more than co-workers: Sherri, Lorie, Sue, Doris – and I genuinely enjoyed the company of every single person in our Personnel office. That kind of situation is rare, and I felt extremely lucky to have found such a home. There’s just one thing about being home: sooner or later most of us have to leave at some point… even when you’re almost 40.

As the seasons and the years passed, other people around me advanced and got promoted, and while I was doing all that was asked of me, I became complacent and perhaps too comfortable. It was difficult to find things to do that would set me apart and justify a promotion. I had been at DEC for many years, and the thought left me feeling accomplished, but also somewhat unfinished. A change was in the air – it felt like fall in a certain way – and I watched the shift of afternoon light, the tilt of the sun, and the fiery leaves of the trees. Once again, it was time to move on…

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

{See Part OnePart Two and Part Three.}

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