Rufus Wainwright: Still Gorgeously Defying the Rules

Crafting compelling musical art occasionally feels like it should come easier during the peaks and valleys of our twenties than the less volatile and extreme moments of our forties, but Rufus Wainwright defies that notion with the gorgeously dramatic ‘Unfollow The Rules’ – an album that could only be created by someone who’s seen those peaks and valleys, survived them (sometimes quite barely), and lived to push and defy and challenge.

“I’m no Hercules, and this is Herculean,” he laments on the title track, “And tomorrow I’ll just be feeling the pain.” He continues, “Don’t give me what I want, just give me what I’m needing,” and amid one of the most exquisitely beautiful arrangements it’s a heartbreaking and sobering look at the cost of living, measured in careful consideration, a notion not accessible to most of us in our twenties, and a telling treasure map of all the places he’s already been.

Not that any definitive peace or resolution results from that awareness or resignation – see opening track ‘Trouble in Paradise’ – a lovely, languid jam that sounds as good as its tension-celebrating ambivalence conveys a shaky balance. Mr. Wainwright has always been a bit of a trickster in his work, shape-shifting and winking at every unexpected turn and key change. ‘Unfollow the Rules’ finds him endearingly in trickster mode, reminiscent of his very best work, now imbued with some hard-won wisdom, or at least the chuckle of acknowledging the occasional lack-thereof.

‘Romantical Manâ’ neatly addresses critics and all the accompanying heaps of detritus piled high on those daring to be “romantical” in such a cynical universe. ‘Peaceful Afternoon’ wryly describes thirteen years of a relationship – a feat for any two people to survive – and might be one of the greatest songs about marriage ever written. Magnificently capturing both the ennui and ever-changeable excitement that exist simultaneously in any long-term relationship, this ‘Afternoon’ is a lovely piece of music, taking flight and soaring with its strings and backing vocals, while positing whether the mundane can be beautiful, and why ever not?

Biting-humor and wicked-wit sharply-intact, ‘This One’s For the Ladies (THAT LUNGE!)’ finds Wainwright working through the search for peace and paradise as a harp weaves its luscious scales like golden threads into a wondrous land “where people listen to your plan” and “where no one stares at your face.” The Sondheim-celebrated ladies who lunch have always struck me as more than just socialites who have nothing but time and money on their hands; they seem more like unhappy, or at least slightly discontent, objects of beauty looking for purpose as much as for an escape. The meandering and queasy music personifies the ways we make such an escape.

Just when you think he may have it all figured out, or at least found a way to make some peace with all of it, he begins the glorious dirge of ‘Early Morning Madness’ which locates an early morning sadness where “I’m a perfect mess.” The only solution is to go back to bed until the dinner bell rouses him again. The battle with one’s own demons, addiction or otherwise, has never been more beautifully rendered than in this morning-after musing. The entire album leads up to this operatic highlight – a marvelous trough that holds its own dim beauty, and the solace of leaning into those moments of madness. Plunging exuberantly into the skittering strings and high drama of ‘Devils and Angels (Hatred)’, the song-cycle trio that ends the album embodies the richly-varied work that Wainwright has added to his impressive oeuvre in recent years.

Closing track ‘Alone Time’ reminds the world that sometimes Rufus and a piano is all we ever really needed to get away from it all, a very pleasant reminder in these perilous times. It’s also a call for some solitude at a time when we are all both connected and disconnected in so many ways – as much a need for an artist as for a husband as for a father and for a son. In crafting such a timely album, Wainwright has managed to make it timeless, the magic stroke of a genius artist in top form.

Continue reading ...

In Stillness and Quiet

Maybe the Grinch was onto something before his heart grew all those pesky sizes so big. He proclaimed one of his biggest problems with all those Whos was the noise, noise, NOISE. Lamenting the loudness of certain neighbors, I can totally relate, if not wholeheartedly sympathize with the Grinch’s plight.

The half-joking of this opening belies a more serious statement, which is that the world needs a little more appreciation of stillness and quiet. After working mostly from home for the past few months, I’ve found more silence during the day than I’ve ever had, and it’s been good. For the first few hours of the early morning, instead of turning on the television or the music, I do my work in relative quiet while Andy sleeps. That’s not something I’ve had when trying to pack trips and travels into most weekends, but in the current state of the world, we’ve had nothing to do but stay at home and find our peace here. To my surprise, it’s been just as rewarding.

Silence is a big part of my meditation process too. While some people find it too scary to be alone in quiet, I prefer it, embracing the complete silence, slowing my thoughts, and allowing them to present themselves and then float away. There is no noise to cover that up, no distraction to make it easier. At first I’ll admit it was a little disconcerting. Not uncomfortable, just different. The world has evolved to the point where we are almost constantly surrounded by sound, and once you take that away it can be slightly jarring. If you’ve ever been to a rock concert, you know the feeling when it’s over. The world is suddenly eerily quiet. You may wonder if you’ve suffered some hearing loss for a while. And slowly, the noise comes back and things return to the general level of sounds to which we are all accustomed. When you meditate in silence, the same phenomenon surfaced, in smaller fashion. That’s partly why I started slowly, in short five-minute sessions before gradually increasing my time in quiet. Now I find it more comforting than classical music or white noise. Clearing the mind is easier for me when the world is silent.

I find similar peace outside in the yard. Where I once lugged out an old portable stereo to fill the air with Madonna or 80’s bops, now I walk in silence, listening to the birds and the chirps of chipmunks. At night there are noisy frogs that provide all the sounds I need. Amid the ferns, and the gentle unfolding of a summer day, silence feels like the best soundtrack.

 

 

Continue reading ...

Summer Head Trip

It doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere this summer, because we have half a clue and see the rest of the country getting sick by traveling and acting like we’re not in the middle of a pandemic. I’ve lost count of all the events and trips and shows we’ve missed out on, so I understand what it’s like to want to get back out there, to hope and try to find some sense of normalness in all this madness. Yet I’m not stupid enough to risk things by going to a big gathering at a beach or something. Oh, and our pool is still not open, so it’s not like we have a paradise in the backyard just yet. Again, I’m just not dumb enough to take any risks.

And so we travel in music and books and beauty, touring the gardens and remembering various related events that come with the blooming of each flower. Daisies bring back times with Suzie and JoAnn, and a simple summer day riding my back down Romeyn Avenue and coming upon a patch of these in full bloom. I stopped and stared at them, studying their happy faces turned upward at the midday sun. I couldn’t have been more than eleven years old, but I still remember that moment. Daisies do that.

Music can do that too. This is a new song for me, and it’s an instant summer mood. Tinged with melancholy, and shot through with rays of sunlight, it’s like a summer morning when you’re packing the car for a road trip, and there’s hope and trepidation and excitement, all rolled together in the best kind of butterflies the stomach can flutter.

TIME HAS COME TO GO
PACK YOUR BAGS, HIT THE OPEN ROAD
OUR HEARTS JUST WON’T DIE
IT’S THE TRIP KEEPS US ALIVE

Daisies and vacations and summer days… what happiness these words conjure. What glorious connotations attached to each, with threads of silk and wonder leading to other memories. Amassing such threads has been a habit of mine. Maybe one day I’ll craft a cocoon in the hopes of some miraculous metamorphosis. Maybe a butterfly will result. And maybe the butterfly is already here, in the fluttering movement of the mind, piling into the car and hitting the road in giddy anticipation of another adventure to come.

THEY’RE FOLLOWING SOME DANCE OF LIGHT
TEARING INTO THE NIGHT
WATCHING YOU FALL ASLEEP
THE SWEETEST DOVE IN THE DREAM

We travel through the day, we travel through the night. Somewhere along the way, a storm comes and wets the world. Morning arrives, the petals of flowers still holding on to the kisses of rain. Water from the sky drips into the land, taken in by the plants, released again as oxygen, then back into the air, traveling in a cloud, moving over the land, toward the seas and the oceans, then trickling back down into more water, rejoining itself and lapping upon the shore, knocking on the sand, rising in the mist, carried and spun back into the air, funneled into a storm, tumbled through the atmosphere, falling through the night sky, and nestling onto the radial whorl of a daisy. 

Continue reading ...

Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series

Why does the phrase “You don’t say” actually mean “You do say”?

#TinyThreads

Continue reading ...

Petunia Panache

Petunias don’t get the critical credit they deserve. Too many of us, myself included, overlook their powerhouse performance simply because they are such constant working horse when it comes to producing blooms. Rather than rejoice and celebrate them, we look down at them for being such spectacular performers because they do it so seemingly effortlessly and consistently. We’d rather take months and years coaxing and coercing a rare orchid into bloom, pampering and prodding and whispering sweet nothings into its finicky ear while it demands time and attention and worship, only to disappoint with no flowers whatsoever, or a few measly and sickly leaves that eventually wither and die off. Why do we aim for the more difficult species than the ones that instantly and repeatedly reward with easy blooms and a constant show? I wish I knew. My life would have been gone much easier, in both ways.

I may not be the best at any one thing, but I’m a loyal and consistent guy. My attire, while perhaps not always to your taste, is always refined. My commitment to a task – whether a job, a creative project, or a new recipe – is steadfast and true. And my panache – well, I like to think my panache is unwavering. And as such, people expect such stuff from me, and I’m usually happy to oblige. I didn’t get to be the person I am today from hating what I do. I like being consistent. I like being organized. I like being anal. I like to dress up and spray delicious cologne in the air while I stride through its perfumed cloud. Scoff and joke and guffaw all you want – I’m pretty happy these days with the convoluted and contradictory stance I’ve adopted and made my own.

If you’ve come to expect it but find that the thrill is gone, please feel free to seek your newness elsewhere. Every chameleon-like Renaissance man has certain pools he favors, as much as he likes to change; we are different from day to day and year to year, but the soul stays relatively the same. I’ve come to appreciate that over the decades of my life. Like these petunias, the doggedly pretty things of the world have a scrappiness to their stalwart consistency. They, and we, try every day to be a little better, to put on a grander show, to inspire and impress and delight even if the petals are a little torn and the perfume a little faded. Our powerhouse performance isn’t often perfect, but we’re here for it.

Striving and blooming and putting on the show – even on a Wednesday morning.

Continue reading ...

Aww, Andy

Easily the most heartbreaking photographs I’ve taken this year (and being that this is the year of our Lord 2020, that is saying quite a bit) here is Andy opining the present pool situation. I sent it to a few friends, who agreed it was the saddest thing they had seen in a while. Everyone knows how much Andy loves the pool – well, maybe not everyone, so I’ll bring the stragglers up to speed. 

Given his back issues, Andy’s favorite time of the year is when the pool is open. He can go in the warm water every day and obliterate the hurt and ache of gravity on his back, and simply float and exist in a relief that he doesn’t get the rest of the year. The pool was probably the main selling point of our home, and he takes pride in and care of its maintenance. 

Having grown up with a pool, and the turmoil and stress of opening it as a twelve-year-old with just my parents and eleven-year-old brother to help, I didn’t need a pool as an adult, but I was open to it, and I’m glad. It’s become a place of respite and escape in the oppressive and humid summers of the Northeast. In fact, I’ve grown to love a pool again, finally embracing the peace of floating on some silly piece of inflated plastic while music plays in the background and I do my best not to wet the pages of a book in my hands. Yet as much as I love the pool, and miss it now that it’s out of commission, my pain and sorrow is minor compared to Andy’s. So when I looked out the window the other day and found him dangling his legs over the side into the open space where water once rippled, it broke my heart. 

Thankfully, hope is on the horizon. Since we needed to replace the liner (part of the delay this year) we decided to add some steps. Both of us are getting a little old to be bounding in and out by way of ladder or cannonball, so a trio of steps have been installed, which is why this post has a hopeful, if not happy, ending. More to come…

Continue reading ...

Hot Pink Wilderness

This wild sweet pea seeded itself in our garden many years ago and has persisted ever since. It’s a perennial variety – the same weedy thing you see taking over roadsides that haven’t been taken over by crown vetch. I like it in controlled, finite form. It blooms and then quickly loses steam, at which point I cut it harshly back , almost to the ground, and it will usually send up a new crop of foliage and flowers for a second, smaller flowering. This is our routine. This is our covenant. An agreement we have honored ever since I allowed it to take up some space in the prime area of our sunny garden section.

It’s tried to push its boundaries, seeding itself further out, only to be met with strong resistance, if I’m observant enough to catch it in time. Occasionally one gets by and it’s a battle when it comes back stronger the next spring. In the end, the human wins. For now. We can handily beat nature in certain battles; She will always win the war. 

As for this wild sweet pea, her wilderness impresses me. She won’t ever be anything less than wild, nor anything more. She persists and pushes herself. If I allowed it, she’d bloom and set immediate seed, sapping her strength for the season but probably ensuring an ever-expanding perpetuity. I force her to put on a second show, saving the garden from an invasive monster, and allowing a second round of prettiness. 

These things must be done delicately. 

Continue reading ...

Red-Hot American Recap

Power to the people.

And remember, it’s not enough to simply not be racist.

We must be anti-racist. Actively anti-racist. 

That’s the America we need to be great again. 

On with the recap of our patriotic week…

It began with a sunny mango salsa.

A definite contender for song of this summer.

Sweet & savory, fruit & meat.

The wonder of woodland spirit

Losing out on lindens.

Magenta was the mood.

Naked before the mirror of the past.

Salvation by salvia.

The mood shifts to lavender.

Wearing the freedom Speedo, and a whole lot less.

Back to shirtless, hunky basics.

A self-care Sunday.

Hunks of the Day included Dato Foland, Ben Aldridge, Jake Bain, Dolvett Quince, Chris & Ian, and Brian J. White.

PS – If there’s ever a choice, choose love. 

Continue reading ...

A Sunday of Self-Care

The true narcissists and egotists of the world make every day about themselves. 

The rest of us, the wanna-be narcissists and pretend egotists, carve out special days in which to make ourselves feel a bit better. 

The more-enlightened don’t need a day or even a moment for themselves – they exist in the present and that’s all they need. 

I’m somewhere in-between these circles, so I’ll take a Sunday of self-care, which these days means just taking things a little easier. When thrashing out some of my not-quite-successful efforts at self-improvement with my therapist recently, she reminded me of what I’d already accomplished, and wondered whether I was being too hard on myself. The Virgo in me sees nothing wrong with wanting to be better; the human in me is starting to realize that the whole Virgo thing needs to be adjusted. 

And so we have reached Sunday, the day of rest.

A day to savor the simpler things.

The beauty of the world.

As seen in this exquisite box made by my friend Meredith, which I purchased for the holidays as a gift for Andy. Comprised of gorgeous paper she has traveled the world to procure, it stands on the table beside which I meditate, where a stick of Palo Santo incense unfurls its ethereal smoke coils. 

Through my half-closed eyes and deep breathing, the flowers and cranes and colors dance hazily in scenes of beauty as I try to clear my head. The best thing to occupy the senses when darker thoughts threaten to encroach is a thing of beauty. 

The box is a work of art, and not only on the outside. Lifting the lid there is more beauty to be found inside. Placid water scenes, flowers from other seasons, worlds contained within worlds… I like that there is still more to be seen and discovered if you slow down and look deeper. The charm and surprise and variety of life, and of what life hides just beneath the lid, is a large part of what keeps me entertained and enthralled by this world. 

Grounded in new ways, I sit on the floor in front of this box – a box that could contain nothing and everything – and I begin my meditation. A moment of self-care, framed in a room of beauty. 

Continue reading ...

Back to Hunky Basics

Somewhere along the way, 2020 derailed the superficial fun that was previously populating most of the blog posts here, so let’s get back to shirtless, superficial fun, and the simple appreciation of the half-naked human body that God gave to each and every one of us. Ok, so maybe the bodies are all different and mine doesn’t quite approach the perfection seen here, but it’s still fun to look, to appreciate, to admire and extol. Here are some previous Hunks of the Day, some of whom go back all the way to 2012, because we’ve been doing this a long time.

First up is one of the greatest male models of all time – Tyson Beckford – who originally came on the scene in the supermodel explosion of the 90’s and hasn’t gone anyway in all these ensuing years. Check out his first Hunk of the Day crowning here.

A gay super-couple is something my soap-opera-loving childhood self would have absolutely loved, after the initial shock and aww. Here we have Ricky Martin and Jwan Josef, beaching it together like lovers do.

Lounging in tighty-whities is a skill that every male model has mastered at some point in their career, they’re simply not a proper male model. Choi Ho Jin does so stunningly as seen here and in his original Hunk of the Day post.

In this battle of the naked male butts, we’re pitting a nude Julian Morris against a naked Pietro Boselli. It’s like the Sophie’s Choice of nude male bottoms

Nathan Owens made his own soap opera splash, and shows it all off in his Hunk of the Day crowning

Tom Holland lends some shirtless male celebrity movement to this post from one of his Spiderman turns

Entertainment impresario Fran Tirado wears many fabulous hats, as evidenced in his Hunk of the Day feature

And taking pride of place as the finale, David Agbodji did his Calvins proud in his crowning as Hunk of the Day

 

Continue reading ...

A Country, A Backyard, and a Body – Under Construction

Happy Birthday America. 

And get well soon.

You haven’t been great in a few years, but the good people of the world still have faith. We still believe in the greatness upon which you were founded. True freedom. Authentic equality. Liberty for all. 

A land that has no place for hate

A land that welcomes everyone who wants to make a better life for themselves. 

A land where this pansy-ass half-Filipino faggot was denied marrying the man he loved for the first ten years of their relationship – but where we eventually made it happen. That doesn’t negate all the years it took to get here.

And so I continue to push the freedoms we have, for those who still don’t have them. Whether it’s their family predicament, or the bigotry, racism, or homophobia around them, we will always seek something better. That’s the real essence of the American dream. 

And so we keep trying. We keep working on it. We keep on keeping on.

Like our hollowed out pool, rusted and lined with sand, awaiting its new incarnation, we just need a little tune-up. 

Like my forty-four-year-old half-naked body, ravaged by the relentless march of time, by restless nights, harsh mornings, and needless worry – on incessant display because that’s the American way. Fake it until you make it.  

We will rise. Like stars, shimmering in a dark firmament, following the moon, following the sun, following the centuries and the civilizations…

Continue reading ...

A Lavender Patriot

It’s the 4th of July, but ever since Gram passed away on this day eleven years ago, some of its luster has been rubbed dull. Coupled with the sorry state of our country these days, it doesn’t feel like there’s much to celebrate. Don’t cast doubt on my patriotism; it’s still here, still part of my heart and make-up, instilled by an immigrant father who inherently loved the opportunities this country gave him to raise a family. But America has its problems, and maybe we are just awakening to admitting it and not being seen as heretics for the realization, at long last. It’s time.

And so we won’t be doing some empty patriotic posturing (though I may slip into a red, white and blue speedo a little later). Everyone does the 4th in their own way. Instead of going full-on red or full-on blue as America seems to be forcing in full-on binary fashion, we are finding a pleasant melding of things in this lavender-tinged post. Take out the human rules and restrictions, refocus on the natural world, and all falls neatly into place. Let’s shift from the political to the personal, from the world stage to the microcosmic gardens of our little backyard. That’s where the lavender blooms this week.

My summer dreams of lining our pool border with lavender and herbs went out the window while waiting for the new liner to be installed. (Update: the wait continues. But the steps are roughly done!) We may be putting a light in, so the garden will be dug up and destroyed, which is why I didn’t bother with putting any lavender in yet. We have a couple of plants that have survived over the years, and they are in bloom now. All one needs for a proper garnish is a single flower stalk. Thank goodness, because that’s about all that we have.

Near the lavender is a small patch of mint. It’s small for now but if unchecked will march defiantly beyond its allotted space. For now, I can crush a bit of the lavender, and a bit of the mint, and the fragrance is refreshing, exquisite, and enchanting. It is a lovely melding of two aromas, each distinct, and each contributing to the perfumed wonder of something beautiful. 

Continue reading ...

The Salvia Salve

It appears that this purple salvia is a salve for many, healing hurt and providing comfort and succor for the birds and bees that traverse our front and back yards. Here we see a bee visiting its hospitable bloom, and the purple flower spires have also attracted hummingbirds, which was really the whole point of planting them this year. I’ve only caught one hovering near the front yard container, and Andy had one come very close to him in the back yard, a brief brush as if it was saying hello. They flit away so quickly it feels like a magical experience you’re not really sure you even had. 

There is a fuchsia plant, whose name escapes me at the moment, that has long tubular flowers which the hummingbirds adore. I couldn’t find it in the nurseries this year so I settled for the salvia, which has become an impressive show-off in its own way. Proof that being flexible is usually the best thing to be, especially when it comes to gardening. 

Continue reading ...

Gorgeous Mirror Madness from the Past

“Maybe we look into mirrors not merely to seek beauty, regardless how illusive, but to make sure, despite the facts, that we are still here. That the hunted body we move in has not yet been annihilated, scraped out. To see yourself still yourself is a refuge men who have not been denied cannot know.” ~ Ocean Vuong, ‘On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous’

“I read that beauty has historically demanded replication. We make more of anything we find aesthetically pleasing, whether it’s a vase, a painting, a chalice, a poem. We reproduce it in order to keep it, extend it through space and time. To gaze at what pleases – a fresco, a peach-red mountain range, a boy, the mole on his jaw – is, in itself, replication – the image prolonged in the eye, making more of it, making it last. Staring into the mirror, I replicate myself into a future where I might not exist.” – Ocean Vuong, ‘On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous’

Continue reading ...

Magenta is the Mood

Only true fans of ‘The Golden Girls’ will get that reference, but those who get it, get it good.

The mood of the week, and the summer thus far, is magenta. 

I happen to like magenta, but I’m suspending that preference for the purpose of this post.

The featured photo is of one of the many rainstorms we’ve had this week. Such a tumultuous stretch of variable weather, all the while Mercury remains in retrograde, wreaking all sorts of havoc. I’m in the office two days this week, which makes laying low difficult, but I’ll do my best. It’s vital not to cause a commotion  when this time of planetary trickery is upon us, and it’s set to last until mid-July. 

Moods in my house, like the weather, are variable as well. Best not to ruffle those feathers right now, best to lay low there too. And I’m speaking as much for me as for anyone. Susceptibility to the whims of magenta is high. Mercury rides backward from outward appearances. Summer revels in her mystery. 

The storms swirl around the sand that lies exposed in the bottom of our empty pool. 

Steps are being made. Steps are being taken. 

Summer steps, that may one day catch the lapping of crystalline water, sparkling in the summer sun, rippling beneath the chlorinated clarity of the past and future, each as hazy and lovely as the present.

A present that is presently magenta. 

Continue reading ...