She recently said that the most controversial thing she has ever done has been to simply stick around, and when you read any commentary on her from the past five years you’d be hard-pressed to argue against that. The vitriol and hate from an ageist stance is ridiculously plain to see. It’s rather infuriating as well, considering all that Madonna has accomplished. Why we are not celebrating this woman who is still an icon among the living is a complete mystery to me. And so we have this rather trite and cliched homage to her, as if being named Dazzler of the Day could ever capture what she has meant in my life, and in the lives of so many others. Still, let’s make it official, let’s make it formal, and let’s christen her as the Dazzler she’s been for four decades strong – and let’s do it by revisiting the seminal thing she does: making and mastering the perfect pop song. If you’ve ever enjoyed one of her masterpieces, you know the ultimate joy there is to be found in her music. See the following: Like A Prayer, Vogue, Express Yourself, Crazy For You, Deeper and Deeper, Live to Tell, Music, Rebel Heart, Like A Virgin, The Power of Goodbye, Papa Don’t Preach, Sooner or Later, Don’t Tell Me, Hung Up, 4 Minutes, Dress You Up, Rain, La Isla Bonita, Nothing Fails, Crave, Give it 2 Me, Ray of Light, Spotlight, You Must Love Me, Into the Groove, Open Your Heart, Frozen, You’ll See, True Blue, Secret, Material Girl, Cherish, Justify My Love, I Want You, I’ll Remember, Celebration, Masterpiece, Ghosttown, Dark Ballet, Lucky Star, Where’s the Party, Secret Garden, Survival, Take A Bow, Impressive Instant, Drowned World: Substitute for Love, Who’s That Girl… and the list goes on…
October
2021
October
2021
An Erotic Anniversary
While yesterday was all about my husband Andy, it also marked the anniversary of Madonna’s ‘Erotica’ album – as much an influence on my youth as anything else, and so it merits this post, which will mostly be a linky look back at that heady time in my life. Shaded with the drama that typically accompanies October, and the drama that goes with simply being a senior in high school, the ‘Erotica’ album was about so much more than sex – even if sex was also a big part of it.
Leading off with the title track, Madonna whispered huskily to us that Dita would be our mistress, and we fell in line to serve with gleeful and submissive abandon. There was so much more at work at the time, and this is one of those albums that likely means more to me than most because of how it accompanied a time period fraught with the danger of self-annihilation, depression, redemption, and growing into a version of myself no longer commandeered by parents or adults or peers.
Madonna ushered in the most controversial period of her artistic life and gave me the inspiration to do likewise, unafraid and undeterred by a society that felt increasingly against the very person I was struggling to become. No one else was doing that in my life, and in many ways she was the lifeline that got me through that wilderness. As for the ‘Erotica’ album, let’s revisit the track list – much of which has already been chronicled in the Madonna Timeline, and worth a look back at today:
- Erotica
- Fever
- Bye Bye Baby
- Deeper and Deeper
- Where Life Begins
- Bad Girl
- Waiting
- Thief of Hearts
- Words
- Rain
- Why’s It So Hard
- In This Life
- Did You Do It?
- Secret Garden
October
2021
Dazzler of the Day: Andy VanWagenen
We continue our celebration of Andy’s birthday with this post, featuring Andy VanWagenen as our Dazzler of the Day. Having already waxed rhapsodic about his attributes and magnificence here, I’m going to allow these handsome pictorial reminders of the past speak for why he has been a Dazzler in my life for over twenty years. PS – Don’t forget to wish him Happy Birthday today!
October
2021
Happy Birthday, Husband!
Like many retired and current police officers, Andy likes to keep his online presence rather quiet and discreet, and for the most part this space has tried to honor that, but at least once a year I insist on putting him up here and celebrating all that he has done for me, and for the world. Today is his birthday, so he deserves all the happy well-wishes and congratulations for surviving another rip around the sun on this wacky planet.
In ways too numerous to mention, Andy has provided the foundation and stability that our home has needed. For many years I relied on him for that core of safety and security – it was as much a part of his make-up as his care and compassion for others when he was an officer. While I’m the last person on earth who thought he’d end up married to a retired cop (having had more than my fair share of traffic tickets alone) it turned out to be the best thing for me. In exchange, I hope I’ve introduced him to things he never would have experienced in his world.
As a beloved member of our family, he has also been indispensable when times are tough and life gets difficult. My parents are getting older, and every day comes with greater challenges and obstacles. Having gone through losing his own parents, Andy’s experience and guidance through these moments has proved a comfort in more ways than I have probably acknowledged, so I’m taking today to remind him of that, and of the gratitude and gratefulness we all feel toward him.
As we get older, I’ve noticed our love runs in a deeper way, its grooves softened and honed by the accumulation of years and shared moments together. Where some fear and dislike comfort and safety, we pull ourselves closer to it with each advancing year, and if the last two years have proved anything, it’s how dark and depressing this word can sometimes get. Andy and I have survived partly because of the life we have created for ourselves. There have been times when it’s just been the two of us against what felt like the whole world, and on this day I want him to know how much that has meant to me.
Happy birthday, Drew – I love you.
October
2021
The Balm of the Beautyberry
Callicarpa, commonly known as beautyberry, is coming into its glory just as the season of the sun is preparing for the slumber of winter. I happened upon this one while in Manchester, VT – and that’s usually how it happens. I don’t grow any in our yard because the payoff comes too late in the season to be fully enjoyed, but I love seeing these glorious purple berries against their light green foliage in other gardens.
There are a few in the Southwest Corridor Park in Boston, and they’ve always been a comfort to see. Whether it’s because they recall sunnier days, or offer an extension to the warmer season, I find their beauty very much a balm at the time of the year when the cold clicks in for the long haul.
October
2021
Glimpse of Grace
On the way to Amsterdam, with a feeling of gratitude for Andy being behind the wheel so I can watch the fall color go down with the sun, I sink back into the seat and let the last light of the day lull me into the briefest of naps.
A quick little peek of water provides a glimpse of Sunday afternoon grace, a piece of what it once felt like to be in the hush of church at those moments when faith and spirituality became something tangible, something I could touch and wrap around me. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. It’s how I understand the power of religion – those little brushes with grace.
When the light is just right, or the wind is just so, and you let yourself let go of the cares and concerns of the wickedness of this world, you may find the grace like a sliver of the sublime. It’s a bittersweet thing, because it doesn’t happen all the time – at least, I haven’t been lucky enough to manifest it all the time. That tells me there is more to learn, secrets that might reveal a more regular method of brushing against the sublime.
The sky was unsettled, and the best thing about an unsettled sky, despite the rain it may bring, is that it’s a often a thing of dramatic beauty. It brushes that beauty upon the trees and the water and the land beneath it. One of the best-kept secrets of the universe is how it is the sky that decides what sort of day we are having, not the sun: that sun is shining day and night – it’s the stuff that comes between us that makes all the difference.
October
2021
Woolly Key
The question of what the banding on the woolly bear caterpillar indicates as far as winter goes is answered (at least one version of an answer) in the helpful diagram below. Based on what I can see of the specimen I found earlier this fall, this may be a mild winter. From this caterpillar’s fur to Mother Nature’s ear.
October
2021
Before the Madness Departs, A Recap
Mercury is scheduled to slip out of retrograde emotion at long last, hopeful ending this recent spate of insanity and difficulty. It’s been a doozy of a few weeks, and I’m ready to put it all behind us and move into the latter half of October. Godspeed, Mercury, to the return of your typical trajectory. On with the weekly recap…
Last week began with the haunting memory of Matthew Shepard.
Phasing out Facebook feels like the right thing to do at this moment.
A lackluster Madonna Timeline.
My Uncle died of COVID, and he wasn’t vaccinated.
Arborvitae in the afternoon light.
The Dazzlers of the Day were Polo Morín and Lynda Carter.
October
2021
Afternoon Arborvitae
Throughout my 46 years, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with the arborvitae. My earliest memory is a rather sour one, based on its initially off-putting aroma coupled with a neighbor’s harsh and ugly pruning technique on the bush that stood between our yards. That first impression stuck, and when I saw it used so ubiquitously in yards and landscapes around the world, the distaste was only re-enforced.
Over the years, however, my taste changed. My assessment evolved. The usefulness of the arborvitae began to change my mind. Coupled with a re-examination of its form and attributes, the transformation was complete when I watched a hedge of it going up in Ogunquit, Maine, and upon closer study I noticed its beautiful scale-like foliage, and the way it could so gorgeously accentuate its chartreuse overtones in the afternoon sunlight.
It is possible to change, to refine taste, to offer another chance at something you once disliked. I like that lesson. I like that possibility.
October
2021
Chilly Fall Start
A chilly start to the morning is ameliorated by the cup of matcha which gives off little tendrils of steam beside me. We haven’t hard a hard frost yet, and the mornings have been rather pleasant, but Andy has noticed the geese already heading South. Maybe they know more than we do about the weather to come.
It is dark when I get up for work now, something that will change slightly when we move the time back by an hour in a couple of weeks. We’ll have earlier morning light then, but it will go away sooner at the end of the day, and then the dark will almost arrive by the time I get out of work. Fall and winter often offer no-win situations like that. There’s always a trade-off for the glories of spring and summer.
October
2021
Go Easy on Me
There ain’t no gold
In this river
That I’ve been washing my hands in forever
I know there is hope
In these waters
But I can’t bring myself to swim
When I am drowning
In this silence baby let me in
What a song for the moment. Maybe if we went a little easier on each other we’d all be so much better off. It’s a good reminder – and not just to go easy on each other, but on ourselves as well. We can be so demanding, so harsh, so punishing – and the world will more than take care of that over the years.
Go easy on me baby
I was still a child
Didn’t get the chance to
Feel the world around me
I had no time to choose
What I chose to do
So go easy on me
An Adele song may be the best thing to happen to the moment – or the worst. I haven’t quite made up my mind. If we are going to go through it, however, we might as well really go through it, and no singer embodies going through it like Adele. We’ll let her speak for our heartache.
There ain’t no room
For things to change
When we are both so deeply
Stuck in our ways
You can’t deny how hard I have tried
I changed who I was
To put you both first
But now I give up I had good intentions
And the highest hopes
But I know right now
It probably doesn’t even show
October
2021
A Cat Sleeps in Manchester
Forgive the shortness and mediocrity of blog posts like this – work has me completely wiped out and I’ve not been able to muster the energy to write much at night. That which I have written feels flat and sad. This cat is doing what I need to do more often. We found it happily napping on an early afternoon in Manchester, Vermont. I liked how content it looked, and envied the ease with which it found such rest.
October
2021
Stream of Consciousness
It’s been a rough couple of weeks for a lot of people I know, and for my family as well. Dad’s Alzheimer’s has progressed, and we watch with a helpless, sinking feeling, coupled with a gratitude that he is still doing relatively well for someone at 91 years of age. Mom is working on the best next-steps for his continued care and health and comfort, and I’m trying to be as helpful as I can to her. Mostly, I’ve been following her lead, and we’re both navigating these new waters using her nursing experience, and what limited advice I can offer, which isn’t much. We’re doing our best, and I’m grateful for her experience and background, as well as my brother’s helpful presence in Amsterdam. There are also a very few silver linings in Alzheimer’s, such as when bad news of lost loved ones has to be conveyed.
My Uncle – one of my Dad’s brothers in the Philippines whom I had met in 1997 – recently died of COVID. I haven’t mentioned it to many people, mostly because I’m too exhausted to explain or even accept condolences. Not in this age of COVID. He was one of my favorite Uncles – the most quiet and gentle and kind one I met on my trip to the Philippines – but apparently he was victim to the misinformation plaguing the entire world. When his wife scheduled vaccination appointments for the two of them several months ago, he refused to go. Now he is dead.
I don’t know exactly how the news registered with Dad. He apparently seemed to understand at one point, but then he had forgotten it within a few minutes. The rare bonus of grace in certain cases of dementia. Along with erasing and blunting memory and reality, it also wipes away some of the pain.
As for my Uncle, and the family he leaves behind by not taking a simple vaccine, I feel a sense of loss, a sense of anger, and a sense of giving up. I’m just exhausted by where we are. I’m tired of the anti-vaxxers and the march of deadly misinformation that’s killing so many around the world. I’m tired of the awfulness of such ignorance, the willful refusal to be careful and compassionate, the careless cruelty and selfishness that has all fed into this mess. I’m tired of the anti-maskers, who can’t be bothered to think of anything but a supposed attack on a freedom that they are ultimately destroying by binding us all to this for far longer than was necessary. I’m tired of searching for someone to blame, for something to attack and soak up all the hatred we are storing in our hearts.
And so I am retreating a bit from the world. Returning to my daily meditation. Curling into books of comfort. Sitting quietly with Andy while he watches television. Reaching out to old friends. Staying away from social media. Beginning the preparatory stillness of fall that leads into the hibernation of winter…
October
2021
A Little Flower on Newbury Street
When you see a little spot of beauty on Newbury Street, you should pause to take it in.
There’s a lot of beauty on Newbury Street, in the fashion and the art and the people.
But in a hidden flower, it feels like there is more.
October
2021
The Madonna Timeline: Song #166 – ‘Bitch I’m Loca’ ~ Summer 2019
{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}
Bitch, I’m loca (Y yo loco, loco)
Bésame la boca (¿Y tú qué me das?)
Bitch, me gusta (Y yo te provoco)
Mucho que me asusta (Por eso no te vas)
One of the weaker tracks from Madonna’s ‘Madame X’ opus, ‘Bitch I’m Loca’ is another duet with Maluma, who shone to far better effect on ‘Medellín’. This one has a grittier edge to it, closer to the work they did for his own album at the time. I enjoy the rawness of it, I only wish it came with a slightly better melody, and a more creative title. (Didn’t she get all the bitches out of her system with the ‘Rebel Heart’ album?)
As for my own memories of this song, they aren’t strong and they aren’t many. Mostly because I skipped is every time it came on. The summer of ‘Madame X’ had more joys and enchantments to bother with than this filler track.