LAST NIGHT I GAVE UP ON MYSELF
I HIT THE BED, TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO
AND IN A DREAM I SAW YOUR FACE
IT’S MORE THAN JUST A FACE
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GIVE MY HEART AWAY…
The year was 1995. I wasn’t even 20 years old. A colorful silk scarf waved from the antenna of my car, blowing wildly in the winter wind and heralding the kick-off of my very first ‘tour’. I pulled into the driveway of my friend Ann’s house and hurried in to get out of the cold. Her Mom Juji and her dog Butter greeted me in the kitchen, and we took a bunch of silly pictures to mark the occasion. Ann was always accommodating in that way. She took me under her wing and humored my mad flights of fancy, somehow knowing it was so much more than pretend, healing something in both our wounded souls. We made a good pair. She would join me on this first leg, wherein we traveled to Potsdam to see our friend Missy, and then to Rochester (by way of Bath before there was GPS). We loaded the car, I bundled a vintage fur coat in the back, and we were off.
Belinda Carlisle, in a semi-hit that was marginally retro even then, sang over the stereo system on a cassette mix I’d made for the journey. Yes, cassette, with the sensitive shiny filament (avoid magnetic force), and Side One/Side Two options (flip it and rewind it). It was the olden days and we were young then.
I FEEL THE MAGIC
LIKE I NEVER FELT BEFORE
I IMAGINE THAT IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THERE
I FEEL THE MAGIC
THERE’S AN ANGEL LOOKING AFTER ME
ANGEL BABY GIVE ME MORE AND MORE
I’d made the mistake of planning the trip for early March, somehow not realizing that it wouldn’t quite be spring by that point and winter had a few more weeks to reign. As we drove through the backroads of upstate New York, high banks of snow surrounded us, brilliant and bright in the winter sunlight. The roads were dirty with mud and salt, and we sped along as that silk scarf fluttered the entire way. After about an hour, we made our first stop – at a P&C (though not the same store from which I had stolen a Wine Cooler in even younger and more foolish days – so young and foolish that I didn’t even drink it, I only wanted the thrill of the theft). We picked up snacks and soda, and were back on the road. The sun was as high as it would get in the winter sky, and the sky was a stunning shade of blue. I remember it so well… somehow I knew that one day I would look back at the moment and realize it marked the start of something wonderful. That something wasn’t a relationship or love affair or million-dollar-lottery-win. It was the start of my young adulthood – those precious years that most of us squander away without realizing it. I wanted to realize it. I wanted to remember. Two and a half decades later, I still do.
TODAY I WOKE UP BY MYSELF
I HIT THE STREETS I WONDERED WHAT SHOULD I DO
I NEVER NOTICED FROM THE START
THAT I COULD FEEL ALIVE AGAIN
THAT I COULD FEEL A PART OF…
We passed through town after little town, places that time seemed to have forgotten, or simply left paused as it marched on to more exciting spaces. Quaint streets that were nice enough to visit (but looked like they would stifle anyone, even in the spring or summer), were covered in snow, and winter held out a conciliatory hand of beauty and charm. We stopped one last time, near an ice-covered pond. Across its clean expanse, the bank on the opposite side was lined with pine trees. Crossing my arms and pulling a ridiculous fur coat tightly around me, I asked Ann to take a photograph while I stood in front of the pretty tableau.
Back in the car, we sped along, further north until we finally reached Potsdam. At the time, I was always waiting for when we reached the destination, consistently hoping to find some happy ending or sense of completion. I wanted to be safely ensconced in my future adulthood, and I wanted it yesterday. I despised uncertainty. I abhorred the muddled ambiguity that marked the world of the twentysomething. And yet I forced myself to remember it all because I hoped one day this would be the time I’d look back and realize when it was all starting to happen. The journey had begun. And yes, it was magical.
I FEEL THE MAGIC
LIKE I NEVER FELT BEFORE
I IMAGINE THAT IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THERE
I FEEL THE MAGIC
THERE’S AN ANGEL LOOKING AFTER ME
ANGEL BABY GIVE ME MORE AND MORE
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