When Suzie and I were growing up, the best way to express the inner-demons and angels of the heart was through the exchange of a mix tape. It was the safest mechanism for prickly teens who wanted to share their struggle as much as they wanted it kept completely secret. During our junior year of high school, Suzie was studying abroad in Denmark, while I was stuck in Amsterdam, New York, trying to get through the holidays without her for the first time, and mostly making a muck of it, lost and angry amid the trials and travails of a teenager without his best friend/sister figure. And so I would whisper dramatic readings and diary-like entries into a recorder, filling the first and second sides of a 90-minute cassette tape. For my Christmas mix, I included the usual seasonal fare, ‘Diamonds & Pearls’ by Prince and ‘Promise to Try’ by Madonna, and this classical staple, ‘Sheep May Safely Graze’ by Bach.
There was something moving and peaceful in its melody and cadence, and it calmed the riots going on in my head and heart, when I was on the veritable verge of self-destruction, lost and lonely and finding no solace even at this tender time of the year when it was supposed to be so safe and joyous and happy. I played this song over and over again in the middle of the night, allowing it to lead me to deeper stages of sadness and despondency, to a place where I saw no way out, no path forward. It’s why Christmas, to this very day, comes tinged with a sense of somber solemnity.
Looking back, all the drama and secrecy and urgency of that Christmas without Suzie seems silly and overblown. We can laugh at it a little bit now. But there was sadness there as well, a sadness that lived for all the loneliness and loss we had each experienced, Suzie much more-so than me. We honor that in this song.
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