There are a few cardinals that frequent the trees and bushes around our home, but rarely do they alight on the Japanese umbrella pine nearest our front window. On this morning, one of them decided to give me a visit, then grant enough time to capture a few photos of its magnificence. It peered in at me, giving a little nod of its pointedly-tufted head. I want to believe it is more than a random visit, and if there is comfort in that then I may suspend my natural cynicism. Loss softens some brutal edges.
Later in the morning I am going through a pile of unused cards when I come across a birthday card meant for a father – I’d been keeping it for Dad’s birthday next month. Grief strikes quickly and sometimes unexpectedly, and in that way it can be debilitating. I remove the card from the pile and walk into the kitchen, preparing to throw it out, but I can’t bring myself to do that. Instead, I place it on the counter, saving it for a little bit later.
When the first wave of sadness settles, I return to the card. A second wave arrives as I read what Dad would not have been able to read next month. Closing the card, I set it down beside me and cry a bit. Without rushing the pain away, or forcing the tears to stop, I allow the grief its moment to manifest. It passes. Neither the body nor the brain was designed to cry forever.
Looking back at the card, I decide not to throw it out. Maybe I’ll send it off for his birthday, just this one last year. Or maybe I’ll do it every year. For the past few birthdays, it was clear we were doing these things for our benefit – Dad never cared for birthday hubbub, and would have been more than happy to let the day pass without notice or fanfare. I don’t want to do that just yet, so the card goes back into the pile, and our tradition of marking the day shall continue.
“Love and understanding are the lotuses that bloom from the mud of suffering. Without the mud, there is no lotus flower. The lotus needs mud to grow. Understanding and compassion are possible only when we’ve come in touch with suffering.
We know that suffering plays an important role in generating understanding and love. So we do not run away from suffering, instead we embrace it, and look deeply into our suffering in order to understand it. If we can understand, then we can love. And when we have understanding and love, we suffer less.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
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