“You know, I think I’m in a state of shock…” ~ Madonna, ‘Truth or Dare’
Most years begin with a bang or a whimper.
Most of my life has been the same binary situation.
Either/or, never/always, yes/no, stop/go.
This year comes in somewhere between the two, with a hesitant air of uncertainty. The brighter way of looking at it is as a happy medium at long last. The darker way is as a harbinger of difficult times to come. And there I go down the two-way highway again instead of simply getting off the damn road altogether.
We begin in a multitude of grays. Subtle gradations of shadow, nuanced renderings of light, all the spaces in between the spaces. The stillness and the silence in between the noise. Beauty and madness and sorrowful glee, the mask sheds a tear, and I shed the mask. What will this bold new year bring? What does 2020 have hidden for us? Surprises have always worked better in theory and on paper than in execution. I still remember the surprise birthday party an ex-boyfriend once lovingly, if haplessly, tried to throw for me. It was disastrous all around, as Kira did her best to keep me away from the proceedings and I, thrown by her behavior and strange requests and stalling tactics, grew so annoyed that we ended up having a big fight. I walked away from her to go home and celebrate my birthday alone as she scrambled to find a phone to call the condo and tell everyone I was on my way, ready or not, and I was pissed. Virgos don’t like surprises.
I’m entering the new year with a little bit of hope, and lowered expectations. Better to stave off disappointment that way. Hope can be a dangerous thing. We’ve all been hurt by it. I’m at the age of safeguarding the heart, though in all honesty I’ve been at that age for years, probably before Andy came along. And part of me will always be fortified in the eventual case of hurt. I’m just beginning to see why. At key moments in my life there was no one to protect me, and at every one of those turns a little part of me died. Before the world could take it all, I took up arms to protect myself, and I’ve been safer ever since. We’ll deal with the side effects of such armor later, but to get to that point you have to survive first.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the past year was how to take things one little step at a time. Instead of focusing on some grand all-encompassing goal and vision, I found it better to break things down into smaller increments, allowing for lots of little accomplishments as I worked toward something greater. It was a way of combatting a tendency toward perfectionism, as well as a way of training the body and mind to engage and act instead of plan and wait. This year I’m aiming to continue along those lines, and while 2020 is a big year for anniversaries of all sorts, I’m starting with this single day, and trying to make every minute of it matter in some way. To take joy in this very moment, in the moment that I write this, in the moment that someone reads it, in the moment that I close the lap-top and take a deep breath.
Outside, the stand of fountain grass is drained of all green, standing stiffly in the wind in shades of raw, stripped pine. The bones, the structure of it all, were still intact. With all that happened in the last year, all the growth and the beauty and the gorgeous straps of tall, healthy leaves, then the slow yellowing and rise of the fluffy seed heads, and finally the drying and decay of the frozen days, it still stood in our backyard. It will remain, beneath all the snow and ice, in the face of whipping winds and plunging temperatures, until I cut the stalks down next spring. It feels a long way off, too far to find any solace in the notion of spring. But the days are already getting longer. There is more light during our waking hours. I will focus on that. Through the storms. Through the chill. Until the light outweighs the dark.
A new year begins.
“I know I’ll feel something later. I just don’t know when that’s going to be. I guess it’s a protection device. I hope I’m in a safe place when it happens.” – Madonna, ‘Truth or Dare’
