While I’ve been outwardly going through the motions at work, on this blog, and at most social events I’ve attended of late, underneath it all I’m not feeling the seasonal happiness that Christmas, at its best, often affords. Given that this is our first Christmas without Dad, I’m not forcing myself to find mirth and glee in anything right now, nor am I shutting myself off from any happiness and good-will that might present itself. I’ve been in a state of blah, seeking out cozy moments of quiet, and more often than not of solitude, or spending time with Andy watching silly Christmas movies (he’s the one who introduced me to the wonder of ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’ and ‘It Happened on Fifth Avenue’). I’ve also done my best to put a seasonally appropriate spin on these blog posts, sprinkling some added sparkle and pizzazz to whatever I’m recounting in an effort to conjure cheer and enchantment.
Andy has been helpful to that end, indulging in holiday traditions as they come up, but not pushing us toward things we don’t want or need to do. I like to remember our first Christmas together, in which we hung stockings I’d made with our names on them over the fireplace that Andy had at his old house. We were still new to each other, and finding our own Christmas traditions would take years – years the I happily took to make our way together. That first Christmas was also the Christmas I met his parents for the first time, which resulted in this never-to-be-forgotten introduction to his Mom’s highball.
We have many holiday memories of my parents and family as well, and most are happy ones, which I will rekindle whenever I feel myself losing the way of the season. Those come loaded with bittersweet accents now, as the group we once were dwindles with each passing year.
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