Category Archives: Writing

Crossroads of the World: Shades of Gray

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

Sitting in the Greenling Institute office in San Francisco, waiting for my friend Chris, I look at a letter to the New York Times hanging on the wall. It was written by Chris, one of his save-the-world/people-for-change/join-the-revolution letters – and suddenly I feel incredibly small. This one letter, written with such grand hopes of change – what did it do? It appeared for a day in the newspaper and then was gone. Did some in a powerful position read it and change their view? Did some politician implement a policy that had any effect after reading the letter? Or did it die a quick death, read by no one of importance, no one with the power to do anything, reduced to recyclable pulp by the end of the week?

I want to believe that words and paper may not last, but feelings and emotions do, yet all I can muster is a drowning feeling of hopelessness, of not being able to affect anything so why even bother. It’s the same feeling I get when I’m in New York City for longer than a few days. The masses of people, the careless way we bump into each other, looking through and beyond other human beings – it becomes oppressive and stifling, like all those bodies are bearing down on one another, flattening our finest edges, erasing individual identities, and obliterating our separate souls. 

How do you even begin to affect so many people? Lost in crowds, swallowed by swarms, a mite among many – what can one person really do for the good of the world? It’s so much easier to be destructive. A few men can take down the country’s tallest buildings, but how many does it take to build them up again?

And still Chris reminds me that all change has to begin somewhere, that the greatest social movements started with a small group of dedicated individuals, uniting and crusading until change is set into slow but definite motion. I want to have that faith but I don’t. So I place my faith in Chris. For now, it will have to be enough.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

Uncle Roberto 3

Continue reading ...

Uncle Roberto 3: Shades of Gray

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

My Uncle inhabited the sometimes-shade underside of American life – the behind-the-scenes lower-level of the mythologically caste-free system of the United States. I heard him saying, “This country is fucking shit” one moment, then extolling the possibilities and potential the next. He worked hard for what amounted to rather little. Much of it went to his kids back home. America would never be home for him.

Until he could save up enough money and return a raging success, he dwelled in the hidden recesses of high society. He and my Aunt worked for a Senator, entertained at dinners for Hillary Clinton and the Dalai Lama, but none of it seemed to impress my Uncle. He was happy blending into the background, smoking with the other workers in the garage or behind the house. It was a world I found fascinating, as a child, and far more fun than the formal dinner parties and stiff adult talk that sometimes surrounded me.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Grand Child

Continue reading ...

Grand Child: Shades of Gray

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

A retired man at the office came into work to see his old friends. He was a grandfather now and we had all heard of how the baby had been born missing one of its arms. The parents did not know this until it was delivered. Somehow a cord had wrapped around its arm and stopped the blood flow when it was developing. 

It was difficult to fathom the sadness, shock, and horror of it – the feeling of something so unfair. And yet the creature was alive, would grow up not knowing any other way. The grandfather was sad, anyone could tell, but he beamed with joy, and the strangest mixture of shame and pride. 

Will the child ever know?

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Gray Ghost 5

Continue reading ...

Gray Ghost 5: Shades of Gray

~ From OCTOBER 2004 ~

Two little ones chase each other by the pool. Alighting from the fence, they scurry through the garden, bark chips disheveled in their wake. It is summer. The squirrels seem happy.

Overhead, a hawk waits.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Summer Storm 2

Continue reading ...

Summer Storm 2 – Shades of Gray

~ From OCTOBER 2024 ~

You are welcome now. Come and cleanse, wash away the dust and dirt of a dying summer. Capture the pollen with your armies of water droplets, hold them captive then throw them into the dungeon of muddy earth below. 

Lull me to sleep as you wage your war – the bombardment of rain and thunder now a soothing backdrop to an otherwise sleepless night. Drown the annoying buzz of nocturnal insects, muffle the distant trucks, and tramp the trundling trains on their far-away way.

Sleep comes easier with the low rumbling of thunder and the steady light cadence of rain, marching dully onward, tapping delicately against the window, rushing down upon the roof. 

By morning it is over.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

Continue reading ...

When the Roses Bloom: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

The letter arrived the same day as the new couch. Sitting down on the pristine tapestry, adjusting a soft pillow beneath my back, I savored the moment of holding. not-yet-opened letter from a friend. It was Lee Bailey’s usually typography and return address – an easy-on-the-eyes elegant sans serif style, tendered in a delicate gray color and printed on fine paper. 

I opened the letter, excited to read news from Lee or maybe find a party invitation, when the copy of the New York Times obituary unfolded in my hands, along with an explanatory note from his assistant. A black and white photo stared out. 

Lee Bailey was dead. I wouldn’t get to see him again. 

By most measures, I didn’t know him that well. When I was ten or eleven, I wrote him a fan letter, conveying my interest in gardening and an appreciation for his book ‘Country Flowers’ – the book that got me through a few Northeast winters. Its gorgeous photographs were a comfort, and a tantalizing promise that sun and warmth and green would one day return

That book also got me through a number of lonely nights, when in the darkness my mind raced with worry – a kid with too much happening in his head, scared of what the next day would bring. I don’t recall specifics – maybe something in school had upset me, maybe the terror was all imagined – I just know I was worried and couldn’t sleep.

Then I would pull the heavy cloth-bound book from beneath the bed, turn on the reading lamp, and sit silently in a small pool of light, reading about gardens and flower anecdotes and a hero who found the freedom to write about those fascinating (for me) matters. The dread lessened then, and I drifted to sleep with soft visions of undulating flower meadows, the fragrant wisps of lavender and mint riding the wind on hot sunny days. 

Lee and I struck up a friendship of sorts. He was certainly a mentor, even if he didn’t see it that way. He invited me to visit him in the city “when the roses bloom” and that July I made it down to meet him. Nervously boarding the elevator that took me directly up to his penthouse suite, I patted out the wrinkles in my khakis and wondered what to expect. 

Coming from the hot cement bed of a New York City July day, the suite felt gloriously airy. It was cool here, as a breeze brushed through the open doorways and draperies, delicately tickling a palm frond and evoking tranquil vistas of islands and far-away lands. 

Lee was frail. I think he used a cane to get around – I don’t rightly remember. He took me on a tour of the potted roses first. A balcony ran around the entire length of the place, holding a collection of container plants. Most of the roses had already finished their first bloom – I had come just a little too late. 

We moved inside and a woman brought me a glass of water. Sitting opposite each other on facing couches, we talked. It was a brief visit, and my leave-taking was quick and anti-climactic. Still, I must have impressed him somewhat. After that he regularly invited me to parties and gatherings he held for his birthday and holidays. 

Those events were glittering high-society gatherings. I would coerce one of my friends into accompanying me – Suzie or Chris – and beg them to wear something presentable. In one of the unimaginably well-appointed  residences of an Upper West Side building, Peter Stone would open his home up for these gatherings in Lee’s honor. 

Mostly the crowd left us alone, and we faded into the background gratefully. It was easier to talk to the waiters and the bartender than hob-nob with the rich and the famous. The chill of discernible class difference left us a bit off-balance. A few people did speak to us, albeit briefly. Peter Stone was always a gracious host. Liz Smith came up to Chris and me and asked what two good-looking youngsters were doing at such a party. Joel Schumacher looked right through us, not rudely (and when we saw him on the street a few years later I mentioned the party and he thanked us for remembering him). 

At the center of each party was Lee himself. Escorted in later than most everyone else, he sat and received visitors and gifts, warmly and wittily. I looked for an inconspicuous moment to sneak in and say hello out of politeness, and he was always good to me – his hand on mine in the manner of a proper mentor, his eyes kind and sparkling. At one of the last parties he pointed out the writer Rick Whitaker, setting up a friendly introduction. Suzie and I spoke to him for a while. 

There were a lot of these opportunities to network, but I never felt right about that. I was there for Lee. 

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

Continue reading ...

Uncle Roberto 2: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

Outside the squirrels are playing, romping about on the grass and running from tree to tree. It is winter still, no? My brother and I accompany our Uncle Roberto while he has a cigarette away from the family. He watches the squirrels then asks if we want him to catch one for us. I look at his face for a laugh or a smile, but he’s not joking.

“You can’t catch a squirrel!” I tell him.

He looks intently at the creatures and for a moment I believe he can.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Continue reading ...

Dee and the Geese: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

In the harsh fluorescence of the office, Dee has tears in her eyes as she recounts the scene: driving towards the toll booth, she saw a goose and a line of goslings walking and stopping the traffic. All the cars were driving around the birds, swerving in large and small arcs to avoid the family. Some laughed and pointed, others looked up, annoyed, but all respected the creatures.

A truck driver barged through, beeping his horn and running over the mother goose and babies, wheel after wheel after wheel.

“I wanted to fucking kill him. He sped up and ran right over her. All the other cars were turning to get around her, and he just drove right over them.”

I don’t know which is more moving – the story of the murdered goose family or Dee’s heartbreak at telling it. Mother to mother, she shared a heartache and pain unites motherhood, something that I will never fully understand.

“He did it on purpose,” she said.

Neither of us knows why. We cannot access that kind of evil. It is a small comfort. 

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Continue reading ...

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

 

Drink the sweet elixir,

Swallow it all down.

Welcome numbness.

 

Alice was conjured by a pedophile.

 

Pain, pain,

Go away

Come again

Another day.

 

Mother Goose laid a rotten egg and the Brothers Grimm fuck each other at night.

 

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Continue reading ...

Uncle Roberto 1: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

The first time I met my Uncle Roberto was at the Albany Airport, in December of 1986. He struck me at once as foreign and exotic, and extremely short. His resemblance to my father was striking, and this was startling. I didn’t know anyone who looked like my father. Having been raised in a sea of white faces, it was difficult to fathom that I was anything but like everyone else. I had always assumed my Dad was one-of-a-kind – an anomaly – yet here in the airport was a man remarkably similar in appearance and bearing. Unassuming, quiet, with a twinkle in his eyes and an occasional broad smile – kindness and menace in one impossible-to-fully-gauge expression. 

As we climbed into the car, my Uncle looked around him with an odd, wide-eyed face of wonder. My Aunt explained that it was the first time he had seen snow in his life. I fell in love with him right there. He sat in the middle eat of the station wagon; my brother and I scrambled into the back, and Mom and Aunt Luz sat in the front. I watched my Uncle as he watched the snow fall outside. 

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Continue reading ...

Gray Ghost 4: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

You darted out onto the Thruway. You should have known better than that. Andy couldn’t stop fast enough so now you are dead. Foolish thing. The thud you made, thrown up by the tire, was sickening. Andy looked like he was about to cry. See what you did. 

What did it get you? Where are you now? Silly wreck of roadkill. My heart does not bleed for you. That would be a luxury. You have already wasted enough of my time and started the evening on a sour note. Andy doesn’t like blood on the car either.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Continue reading ...

The Man In Your Office: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

Nathan passed away over the weekend. He was a co-worker in my former office. A quiet, soft-spoken man, he chose his words carefully, too carefully if you wanted a quick simple answer. He was deliberate with his speech, reserved and thoughtful with his reply, but if you showed an interest he had no trouble pontificating for as long as you could stand it. 

Nathan looked like Frederick Douglass. A thick mane of hair in various hues of gray and white topped his head, and his beard we much the same, going in the opposite direction. He lived alone in a dilapidated building in Schenectady. It was a place he was trying to renovate, and we heard daily stories of crumbling walls, exposed plumbing, and leaky ceilings. 

A scrappy squirrel once found its way into the house and Nathan managed to trap it. He brought it into work, cage and all, before releasing it into the wild. He had no heat for over a year, and, finally, in the middle of a bitterly cold winter he relented and moved out for a time to stay with a friend. 

He spoke often of Southern soul food, and he especially loved all of the vegetables – okra collard greens, yams, and the like. I brought in greens one day for him and he was impressed. We walked of the various preparation methods for greens and yams.

This is what people do, I think. They talk about their lives, their homes, their family, their food. It feels so alien sometimes for me. I had heard that Nathan had a daughter from whom he was estranged. I never asked why.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

Continue reading ...

Brother 3: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

It is the first time I see so much blood up close. My brother is throwing a temper tantrum, crying and shrieking for something long forgotten, throwing himself off the couch and hitting his head on the corner of a table. Blood is suddenly everywhere and the screaming escalates. It is unbearable for me to hear, and, unless I have a child of my own one day, I will never know how much worse it is for my mother. She scoops him up and examines him before whisking us both to the hospital.

I wait outside of the emergency room door and catch a few glimpses of Dr. Miller, my father’s friend who eats all of his dinner and proves and eternal example whenever my brother and I don’t feel like eating. After a number of stitches later, the memory dissolves

A happier recollection takes place in the same room. We are in the toy box together. When we play I sometimes stop to fix his hair. There is a certain way it lies that I like better, and a certain way when we aren’t getting along that makes it easier to hate him. He gets a kick out of this, out of when I stop to move a strand or lock. Sometimes he brushes it back, sometimes he smiles and allows it to remain.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Continue reading ...

Mental Replies: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

MENTAL REPLY 1:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: No shit.

 

MENTAL REPLY 2:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: At least he knows who I am.

 

MENTAL REPLY 3:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: Are you talking to me?

 

MENTAL REPLY 4:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: If you only knew…

 

MENTAL REPLY 5:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: And?

 

VERBAL REPLY:

Them: “You are a selfish, self-centered bastard.”

Me: “Fuck you.”

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Continue reading ...

Brother 2: Shades of Gray

from OCTOBER 2004 ~

Once upon a time I threw a heavy metal toy truck at my brother’s head. It hit him and left a mark. I think there’s still a scar.

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Continue reading ...