Category Archives: Music

An Air

Sit with me, if you will, in the almost-silence of the moment, a moment about to be broken ever so gently by this Air, given a revision by the Klazz Brothers and Cuba Percussion – a companion piece to go with this song, another song of meditation in a world of murderers and car crashes and chases that end the only way any chase can really end.

Come, join me in the attic loft, where it is peaceful, and perfectly removed from the world below. The light, though only from a small window, and that blocked largely by a rickety air conditioning unit, magnifies itself in the pale white walls and floor, in the cream rug, and the beige chair. It is a place of tranquility, a place to be gentle with oneself, a place in which to listen – to the wind, to the rain, to the air, and to the music.

It is a place of comfort, with its calming palette of monochromatic, non-striking colors – all whites and creams and beiges – and a small collection of fragrances, most fittingly from Jo Malone – the beige version of scent. There is tea for you, too, however you like it. In my cup, it’s a simple, unamended hibiscus and elderberry herbal variety – something that works for mid to late summer, when the nights are getting cooler. Nature waits for no one, pausing for no wish to delay the sunny season.  Still, I am finding peace with that too, in the way it so invariably happens, ticking away with steady advancement.

This Air is like that too, offering a steady and delicately pulsating piano accompaniment to the hands of the clock – the hands of time. Dive into the moment. Pause here. 

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Shaking It Down to the 80’s

When this song first came across the radio waves as part of the sequel to ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ I was roughly the age that my nephew Noah is now. I got to spend some quality time with him when I was staying with my Dad, and it’s fun to see how much – and how little – has changed in the lives of kids now compared to my hey-day in the 80’s. My brother and I tried to explain how far we used to ride our bikes back then – the trips to creeks across town, the roaming bands of boys traversing all of Amsterdam no matter how hot the day. The lives of boys in the summer are filled with more than anyone really realizes. 

No matter how the race is run it always ends the same
Another room without a view awaits downtown
You can shake me for a while
Live it up in style
No matter what you do I’m gonna take you down

While our main concerns seemed to be which route to take to get home quickest when we suddenly noticed the day waning, there were burgeoning worries that befuddled the mind, even in the freedom of summer. Even the sunniest day went to sleep eventually, and summer nights, without the bright blanket of snow to reflect any light, could be especially dark. In one’s youth, that dramatic hint of darkness was more of a thrill than a concern, and more often than not we found ourselves in bed before the real dark of night ever arrived. There’s a brutal lesson in patience to be gleaned from going to bed when the sun is still illuminating the sky. 

Shakedown, Breakdown, Takedown
Everybody wants into the crowded line
Breakdown, Takedown, You’re busted
Let down your guard
Honey, just about the time you’re thinkin’ it’s alright
Breakdown, Takedown, You’re busted

As I watched Noah ride his bike, toss a ball with his Dad, or jump into the pool, I was reminded of the innocence of this moment, how every minute can feel exciting and hopeful, and the next turn to dependency and despair – all over the smallest and insignificant of things – but when you’re a kid everything matters. Everything is important. Maybe that’s the big fallacy of becoming an adult – we suddenly forget about what it was like when every single thing truly mattered. 

We also lose our sense of adventure unless we keep nurturing it. The sort of summer movie escapism that characterized my childhood – even if it was only in my imagination – is rekindled mostly through things like writing this entry or remembering the chases of our youth with emboldened urgency and drama. There was never anyone really chasing us, but we felt the whole world biting at our heels and sped away because of it. 

This is a town where everyone is reachin’ for the top
This is a place where second best will never do
It’s okay to want to shine
But once you step across that line
No matter where you hide I’m comin’ after you

My niece and nephew are right in that moment, when childhood is cresting and young adulthood is right around the corner. More than any other generation perhaps, they are in a race against time – a shakedown of epic proportion that is probably quite unfair to them, but which we – the adults – have set up for them to fail. If they keep to what’s right, if they stay true to what’s good, they may stand a chance. I’m just not sure it will even matter. That’s the cynical adult in me being brutally honest. I’d rather go back to the eleven-year-old I was, dancing and grooving to ‘Shakedown’ and imagining and enacting all sorts of crazy adventures before I had to grow up.

Shakedown, Breakdown, Takedown
Everybody wants into the crowded line
Breakdown, Takedown, You’re busted
Let down your guard
Honey, just about the time you’re thinkin’ it’s alright
Breakdown, Takedown, You’re busted

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #165 – ‘What Can You Lose?’ ~ Summer 1990

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

When last we featured a Madonna Timeline entry the focus was on the titular track of ‘Bedtime Stories’ from 1994. Today we go back even further – to that magical summer of 1990 – a summer that may go down as one of my favorite summers thus far in my mid-life. The hollyhocks were higher than we’d ever seen them, the sun was brighter and warmer than it ever felt before, and the first tinges of love and possibility were in the atmosphere. Helmed by an epic trip to the then-Soviet Union – our very first trip away from home for such a distance and such a duration – somehow we held onto the tenderness of youth while boldly bounding toward the first attempts at adulthood. That Madonna and Stephen Sondheim should write the soundtrack to such a time is brilliantly fitting. 

Having just been entranced by the magic that was ‘Into the Woods’ and its themes of childhood, growing up, and letting go, while also cresting into the white-hot pinnacle of my burgeoning fandom of Madonna, the soundtrack to ‘Dick Tracy’ was one of those moments where material, Madonna, and my own personal journey intersected for a touching musical moment. This song brings me movingly back to that time, and while it tells the pensive and tentative tale of a romance that never quite happens, for me it was more about an impending loss of innocence, something I sensed was happening, and something that I took with equal parts anticipation, dread, and resignation. 

The adventures I sought in the forests of Minsk, the laughter with girls at midnight – always safely platonic, always more lasting and resonant because of that – the stolen minutes in sun-lit hotel rooms before boarding the bus again – a summer in Russia held a romantic allure before any of us even understand the slightest about romance. From the bulbous towers of St. Basil’s Cathedral to the wild-flower-festooned meadows surrounding castles in Pskov, we traversed the country, in a whirlwind tour of cultural exchanges and adolescent drama. We learned and experienced as much about this country half-way around the world as we did about ourselves and each other. Our gang of friends solidified – a little group from New York meshing with a little group from California – bringing two sides of our country together while bridging our two countries, and in the exuberant innocence and wonder of that, we somehow made the world a little better simply by expanding our own limited views and experiences. Travel, and at such a young age, brought an early sense of humility and wisdom that has enriched and informed my ever-expanding journey ever since. 

What can you lose?
Only the blues
Why keep concealing everything you’re feeling?
Say it to her, what can you lose?
Maybe it shows
She’s had clues, which she chose to ignore
Maybe though she knows
And just wants to go on as before
As a friend, nothing more
So she closes the door

This duet between Mandy Patinkin and Madonna was a poignant cornerstone of the ‘I’m Breathless’ soundtrack and the ‘Dick Tracy’ movie – lending a grounded and human element to the over-the-top and cartoonish technicolor grandeur of that time period. So much of what Madonna did at that moment was glamorous and haughty, and as much as I loved that side of her, as much as I needed that side of her to push me to simply walk into a room of my peers when my social anxiety was pulling me back, I also wanted to see her vulnerability, to feel her own pain and loss and doubt. It selfishly made me feel a little better about mine. 

As our American troop returned from Russia to our homeland, I remember riding the bus back into Amsterdam, into our tiny hometown surrounded by fields of corn, and feeling different, like we had crossed the threshold into young adulthood, and understanding that we would not be going back. The evening sun was setting – the same sun that had illuminated Russian skies deep into the night – and the darkness was already coming on earlier than it had from when we had departed just a few weeks before. Can a boy grow into a young man on a single trip around the world? In some ways – in so many ways – I think he can. 

Well, if she does
Those are the dues
Once the words are spoken
Something may be broken
Still, you love her
What can you lose?
But what if she goes?
At least now, you have part of her
What if she had to choose?

As the Madonna Timeline is entering the winter of its run, and as we close in on the final songs still left unexamined in my collection, it seems a ripe moment to look over the other songs from the ‘I’m Breathless’ section of Madonna’s career. A unique album in a career of unique albums, this would be the closest Madonna would come to producing her own Broadway musical (‘Evita’ had already been written by someone else). 

The album encapsulated the summer of 1990 – and as our People-to-People exchange group re-convened at my home a week after our return, already we felt the change and the oncoming chill in the air. I mourned the early summer sense of possibility that now felt behind us, growing ever-distant in the rear-view mirror, and the magical time in Russia with friends old and new, now once again separate and removed from the mundane moments that were once so special. Maybe I just missed my friends, and the day-to-day connections we shared only when in such close proximity. Maybe I missed the freedom of being more or less on our own at a time in our lives when we needed that first dose of independence. Maybe I missed my childhood, and the way it felt like Sondheim’s ‘No More’… 

It was one of those ‘Stand By Me’ summers, the kind that pass before we truly realize their magnitude and meaning. By the time fall crept into the nights, and the hollyhocks shriveled and browned, dropping some of next year’s crop of seeds onto the garden floor, holding up others high in the sky, I stood alone in the backyard, back where the summer began, and everything felt changed. Would I ever realize the magnificence of the moment during the actual moment? And did it even matter? Perhaps it was better to not understand the import of what was happening as it happened. Perhaps that would cripple us, stop us in our tracks. 

Leave it alone
Hold it all in
Better a bone
Don’t even begin
With so much to win
There’s too much to lose

Madonna put a fitting exclamation point on that summer with her performance of ‘Vogue’ in Marie Antoinette garb – all glamour and arrogance and nary a bit of vulnerability. Girding my loins for the school season to come, I channeled that and let go of the subtle loss of ‘What Can You Lose?’ It was an act of survival when the safety of summer slipped away, and somewhere in the secret recesses of my heart, I pulled the sacredness of those days tightly within that inner fortress. It has remained there, and I’ve only shared a bit of it with you because it’s still that important to me. Most of us retain some of our childhood in such secret fashion, keeping the most magical moments only for ourselves, and the ones who originally shared it with us. I’m not ready to lose that. 

Song #165 – ‘What Can You Lose?’ ~ Summer 1990
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Summer Hurting Inside

Like fried clams and grape taffy, the majesty of ‘The Mighty Quinn’ soundtrack was introduced to me by Suzie, who at one point in our lives taught me whatever bit of cool I once had, and the collection of songs from a movie I have yet to see became the soundtrack to our trip to the then-Soviet Union in the summer of 1990, even more than Madonna’s ‘I’m Breathless’. How a Russian adventure came to be backed by reggae was a typical Suzie Ko mash-up of unlikely cultural combinations. Having neglected to bring a Walkman along for the endless hours in flight, I begged and pleaded for Suzie to share her music with me. I didn’t care what it was, I just couldn’t listen to the two mid-westerners between whom I was sandwiched, away from my friends for the longest flight of the trip, for one more minute, and Suzie – gracious and generous and selfless as ever – was good enough to oblige. And so it was that I found myself hurtling sky-high toward a continent I had never visited, listening to Sheryl Lee Ralph revisit Bob Marley’s ‘I’m Hurting Inside’, and my fourteen-year-old self wanted to cry from loneliness while being surrounded by a sea of people on all sides.

When I was just a little child
Happiness was there awhile 
Then from me it slipped away
Happiness come back I say
And if you don’t come
I’m gonna go looking
For happiness
And if you don’t come
I’m gonna go looking
For happiness

What pain could I have possibly felt at the tender age of fourteen, and on a trip around the world with some friends, and Suzie’s own father watching over us? I couldn’t place it, couldn’t define or understand what my burgeoning and tamped-down awakening as a gay kid even meant, or even if it was a possibility, and so it manifested itself in various wicked ways, such as winning everyone over to share their most intimate secrets and stories. When a person simply listens, and prompts the next part of someone else’s story, people feel special and impelled to share more than they would under usual circumstances. And so I became the keeper of secrets – secrets which I would later dole out when it suited me. No one swore me to secrecy so I wasn’t violating anything, and it was easier to deflect by letting everyone else’s story take center stage while mine hadn’t even begun.

I didn’t see any of that then, I just felt trusted and liked enough to be the repository for those sacred tales. I also sensed the power of listening and gaining access to a person’s confidence. Curating and keeping such secrets could, when we were adults and those skills could result in information that might actually be valuable, be incredibly useful. For our teenaged group of friends, it was merely practice.

While knowing everyone’s private thoughts and feelings carried its own particular power, it also came with a certain weight, and the concern of knowing things that others didn’t, and maybe shouldn’t. Rather than make me feel more included, it more often left me feeling alone and oddly isolated. Without sharing secrets of my own, I was the dead-end of what was also, impossibly, a one-way street.

I’ve done you no wrong, I’ve done you no wrong
Reveal yourself to me
I say, I say
I’m hurting inside
I’m hurting inside

What I’ve only just begun to see of that time in my life is that by accepting the confidences of others, and offering none of my own, I couldn’t share any genuine sense of intimacy or even friendship – it all rang hollow, and it left me empty and unfulfilled, and always longing for more. The hole in my heart would never be filled that way, no matter how close I thought I was getting to people, no matter how much they seemed to like me. Hiding my own vulnerability was a protection device, but as would so often be the case it worked against me. I did not see that then, and I didn’t see it for many years afterward.

We’ve been together like school children
But then the hurt, the hurt was in vain
Oh, Lord, I’m your weary child
Oh, happiness come back again
And if you don’t come
I’m gonna go looking
For happiness
And if you don’t come
I’m gonna go looking
For happiness

Keeping secrets became a way of life – not only the secrets of others, but my own – and only when I was alone did I ever really feel safe and comfortable being myself. Decades of that wear away at the soul like almost nothing else does. Even direct pain and loss and heartache were easier to handle somehow. During my first brush with those secrets, part of me understood that loneliness, and a sense of separation and removal from every situation, would inform the person I was becoming. It was creating a chasm between me and everyone else, a divide that would only grow over the ensuing years. My heart sensed that, and it leaned into that exquisite sadness and tantalizing hurt.

I’ve done you no wrong, I’ve done you no wrong
Reveal yourself to me
I say, I say
I’m hurting inside
I’m hurting inside
When I was just a little child
Happiness was there awhile 
Then from me it slipped away
Happiness come back I say…

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Summer Still Standing

It was the summer of 1983, and Elton John was back on the charts with ‘I’m Still Standing’. While he was filming the music video in France, I was frolicking on some beach in New England, embracing my super-short-shorts like any burgeoning gay boy – so innocent and naive and silly – and so happily unaware of what the world had in store for me. The wind in my hair, the sun in my eyes, and the sand in-between my toes – it was summer on the beach. I didn’t feel the need to suck in my tummy, and striking a pose was already my natural mode of existence. It was nearly the end of childhood innocence, and I had absolutely no idea what was to come. 

You could never know what it’s like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win?
Well look at me, I’m coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still standing, you just fade away…

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I’m still standing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Building sandcastles by the sea, I lost myself in the sparkle of the water and the sun. I paid no mind to the other people on the beach, being entirely occupied with the kingdom before me. A hole in the sand filled with burrowing sand fleas and seaweed was more intriguing than the sterilized chlorine haze of the hotel pool, and the world I conjured for myself was all the more precious for the encroaching waves of the ocean, lapping and biting at my kingdom, ever-threatening to devour and destroy. 

Once I never could have hoped to win
You’re starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus, you’d be a clown by now
You know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I’m still standing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Back then, I could flirt with the idea of dismantling entire worlds, watching the sea dissolve the grandest design, and not be very bothered by it. As the sun began its slow summer descent, and my stomach rumbled, attention moved from the transitory charms of the beach to the possibility of a seafood dinner. The sea always brought out the most voracious appetite – all the running into and out of the water, the swimming against the current and fighting a way back to shore. The waves could knock us down with their exhilarating might, and every time we got up we felt a little stronger. 

Oddly enough, in some ways I think the boy I was then stood a little taller, a little prouder, a little more confident than the man I am today. He was unafflicted by shame, he didn’t have names or hatred thrown at him, he didn’t know what awfulness the world could inflict. Children have that kind of power for such a brief window of time – I wish I’d known that then. Moreover, I wish I’d learned how to hang onto it

Some days, when I’m lucky enough to be on the beach, when the sun sparkles a certain way on the sea, and when I’m feeling especially free, I conjure a little bit of that kid. I remember his spirit, his innocence, his power. I remember his invincibility. 

And I mourn the way he left. 

Don’t you know that I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I’m still standing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m still standing (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
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Summer Song: Imitation of Life

Behold the invasive water hyacinth, grown safely only in lined containers that do not allow for spread. Not that it’s all the dangerous in these parts; our winters guarantee annual death. It’s so pretty, I couldn’t resist taking a few pics of it at the local nursery. It grows in water, so we don’t have any appropriate space for it, not that I would mess around with something this invasive. It’s a glorious embodiment of summer in these parts, all tropical color and thunder, dangerous and pretty all at the same time. And it brings to mind this summer song by R.E.M. which I’ve always loved:

Charades, pop skill
Water hyacinth, named by a poet
Imitation of life
Like a koi in a frozen pond
Like a goldfish in a bowl
I don’t want to hear you cry

At the time of this writing, summer has been a fickle thing – three days of cool and rainy weather following by three days of unbearably hot an humid weather – and no happy medium whatsoever. It’s a rollercoaster of weather that is wreaking havoc across the country, uniting Americans in emotional upheaval. Just what we need. But this is summer, and so we focus on what is pretty, and what is beautiful, and what is on the sunny side of the street. 

That’s sugarcane that tasted good
That’s cinnamon, that’s Hollywood
C’mon, c’mon no one can see you try

My favorite part of these water hyacinth blooms is the spot of yellow on the top petal of each. It is slightly iris-like in the way it’s painted on there, and it’s only on one petal per bloom, setting that petal apart from the rest, the way summer sometimes separates the rest from the weary. There is so much to do, no matter how exhausted we get, and never enough time to rest. It’s happy exhaustion, though, and I will not complain. That’s what winters are for. 

You want the greatest thing
The greatest thing since bread came sliced
You’ve got it all, you’ve got it sized
Like a Friday fashion show teenager
Freezing in the corner
Trying to look like you don’t try
That’s sugarcane that tasted good
That’s cinnamon, that’s Hollywood
C’mon, c’mon no one can see you try
No one can see you cry

When there is no pool, or no air conditioning, or even the cooling relief of a cold shower, the mind is the only way to attempt to abate the heat. At such times, I think of  the trickling sound of running water, the water that might be lapping around the leaves of the water hyacinth. I do not go to winter scenes of ice and cold, I recall the tropical tank of fish and plants that was in a strange little hotel in Chelsea, where my room was hot and stifling, despite a thunderous oscillating fan in the corner. In a windowed room off a landing, this glass tank in the shape of a hexagon sat in the middle of the floor, raised on a pedestal and lifted almost to eye-level. Goldfish swam there, in and around several clumps of green water plants. Water trickled down from a filter system, lending it a calm and tranquil feel. When I got too stuffy in my cramped room, I’d step out into the hallway and watch this scene of water, and it somehow managed to cool me. It’s how you beat the heat in New York: mind over matter

This sugarcane
This lemonade
This hurricane, I’m not afraid
C’mon, c’mon no one can see me cry
This lightning storm
This tidal wave
This avalanche, I’m not afraid
C’mon, c’mon no one can see me cry
That sugar cane that tasted good
That’s who you are, that’s what you could
C’mon, c’mon on no one can see you cry

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Dazzler of the Day: Bright Light Bright Light

With an epic new compilation just released in time for the end of Pride Month, the musical magnificence that is Bright Light Bright Light has been named Dazzler of the Day. The new collection of songs – 24 in all! – is entitled ‘So Gay. So Dramatic.’ And that’s about all that needs to be said. Already a Hunk of the Day here, this is the next step in pop world domination. 

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First Day of Summer Song: Sanremo

We started summer off early this year with ‘Where the Boys Are’ but on this official first day of the season, here’s another song to greet the sun: the exquisite ‘Sanremo’ by Mika. It’s definitely my song for this summer, even if the Sanremo conjured can only exist in my mind. After not going anywhere for most of 2020 and the first half of 2021, such mindful travels are neither foreign, nor disappointing. Within the imagination is where summer most fully blooms. 

Light brown skin, Lips like Campari
And words like soda, Can I come over?
Just let me in I wanna go where the nights are blinding
The sun keeps shining
If I could I know where I’d be – In a little town in Italy
Close your eyes, come away with me Tomorrow we will be…

What shall this summer bring? It’s already brought a boisterous return of us boys to Boston for this year’s wedding anniversary, a roller-coaster of a BroSox Adventure that started at the Mandarin Oriental and ended at Fenway Park, and next up is a rendezvous with Chris in a few weeks where his cross-country journey lands him back on the East Coast. I have a trip to Connecticut in the works as well, where I get to see Missy and Joe and their fantabulous boys – the wardrobe is already worked out to a tropical cabana theme. (Oddly enough, I had all the necessary accoutrements in the attic.) That leaves us with a couple of weeks to welcome in the summer before JoAnn arrives for a too-long-awaited reunion. 

Sitting by the seaside, drinking up the sunshine
You’re here so why don’t we go dancing in Sanremo?
We can be there in a couple of hours, to the place with the yellow flowers
Somewhere only we know – sunset in Sanremo

After being rocked so traumatically last year, we all seem to be in a collective state of hesitant hope. That’s not a bad space to be during the summer, when things slow down, when we pause and savor. The other day, I went for a swim and had to remind myself to take it all in, to enjoy the present moment, to stop racing ahead in my head. Summer is no time to rush, and sometimes – most times in fact – it’s ok to simply be. 

To feel like this is one in a million
A suspended moment  – can we seal it with a tender kiss?
Out of a movie made by Fellini, Love that you need me
Over there you shine like a star, doesn’t even matter who you are
Hold my hand and we travel far
Close your eyes and we will be…

Maybe that’s one of the lessons we should glean from the recent past. I take it to heart, and take the world around me in tiny steps. A small cut on my leg brings back summer stumbles as a boy. The pesky mosquito bite on my arm itches and tells me I’m alive. Squinting into the sunlight coming from its zenith, I survey the sky. Nearby the little cries of baby cardinals and baby robins sound from the hedge and juniper. You can just see the straining heads and necks reach skyward when a parent approaches with a worm or caterpillar. Life feels fragile in the summer. Indomitable too, somehow. 

Along with its fragility and defiance, summer is time for celebration, whether it’s the simple opening of a daisy or the opulent parade of hydrangeas this year. A rather benign winter has allowed blooms to form and develop on shrubs that haven’t bloomed in literal decades. It’s a happy sight to see, and so lovely I may make motions to provide some winter protection for them in the hopes to preserve this wave of blooms for future years. Lessons in kindness and compassion, even in the plant world, are always welcome. 

Sitting by the seaside, drinking up the sunshine
You’re here so why don’t we go dancing in Sanremo?
We can be there in a couple of hours, to the place with the yellow flowers
Somewhere only we know – sunset in Sanremo

There you can shine like a star
There’s a place for you whoever you are
I know you’re tired of the rain, but tomorrow we’ll be…

Music hits differently in the summer. It hits harder, deeper into the heart and head, and it makes a more potent memory than at any other time of the year. I can’t say why that is, and maybe it’s just me, but summer music memories are some of the most powerful and meaningful. To that end, I’ll be writing a few summer song posts as we slink through the sunny days ahead. 

Sitting by the seaside, drinking up the sunshine
You’re here so why don’t we go dancing in Sanremo?
We can be there in a couple of hours, to the place with the yellow flowers
Somewhere only we know  – sunset in Sanremo …

Summer can be serious, but I’m most enamored of it when it turns cheeky and fun and light and whimsical and flirtatious – teasing and smiling and giggling at its own effervescent charm and silliness. When all else fails, and the world fumbles and toils and troubles, summer comes again – all sunshine and grace and balmy goodness. It’s hard to be sad or serious on a sunny summer day. Beauty has that power, and the sensual pull of the sun reminds us of all the physical pleasures this world still holds for us. A bowl of ripe cherries, sweet and tart on the tongue. A tall glass of cucumber-tinged water waiting on a table and sweating in the shade. A coconut-scented bottle of sunscreen warmed in the sunlight by the pool. A sun shower prickling my skin and tickling the hair on my arms. 

Sitting by the seaside, drinking up the sunshine
You’re here so why don’t we go dancing in Sanremo?
We can be there in a couple of hours to the place with the yellow flowers
Somewhere only we know… sunset in Sanremo.

So let us have this summer, let us celebrate it quietly and defiantly, gently and ferociously, in all the ways summer deserves and demands to be celebrated. It will go quickly, but it will go sweetly, and we will lean into the sweetness, embracing the warmth, the beauty, the joy.

PS – Tomorrow is the second night of summer

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Dazzler of the Day: Eli Lieb

His celebratory ‘Boys Who Like Boys’ song just got a fun fan treatment as seen below, and just in time for Pride month. Even better, Eli Lieb has a formidable career as an openly-gay artist, trailblazing the way for many burgeoning acts in his wake. He’s been a Hunk of the Day here previously, and now he gets to add Dazzler of the Day to his already-sparkling curriculum vitae. 

 

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #164 – ‘Bedtime Story’ – March 1995

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

Peeking out of the turret in Usen Castle, I envision whirling dervishes spinning in the sky, all crushed purple velvet and tiny darkened spectacles – wisdom in motion, divinity enthralled. They spin and spin, leaping from crescent moon to star in some astrological dance intent on rearranging the firmament as we know it. Like cardboard scenery, the sky shifts, impossibly painted on paper in the most outrageous shades of blue and indigo, ocean and air and the bottomless and topless abyss called space. Future and past clash in fantastical surreality, and the dream of the latest Madonna song, ‘Bedtime Story’, plays out as if this was all actually happening, as if it were all actually real. Looking back at that March pocket of 1995, I’m no longer what did or didn’t happen. All that feels true is simply that – a feeling, a notion, the causing of a commotion.

Inspired by Madonna’s touring persona, I ambled around upstate New York and called it a Friendship Tour, stopping to see friends at Potsdam, Rochester and Ithaca – just as March proved to be mostly winter instead of spring. Bandages around my wrists, and adorned with golden charm bracelets, accentuated the silk pajamas I wore to bed: the madness of Norma Desmond coupled with her frail sadness, and an indefatigable battalion of earnest if misguided hubris. What kingdom was this? On what throne did I pose while Ann took my picture and her mother laughed at my nonsense? It was wooden and high-backed, and I feel it solid and real in my hands, immovable beneath my body. An actual throne, to kick off anything but an actual tour, and in my head the two blurred, and I began to believe the myth I had made for myself.

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY THAT I’M USING WORDS
THEY’VE GONE OUT, LOST THEIR MEANING
DON’T FUNCTION ANYMORE…
LET’S…
LET’S…
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY…

Ann and I drive north, into the snowy land of Potsdam, winding through the backroads and braving the snow and ice and brutal sun. It’s the tail end of my sophomore year at Brandeis and I’m already spent. Reading Rabelais has put me in a foul and mischievous mood, at odds with many of my friends and family, and so I rely on Ann, who loves me no matter what comes out of my mouth (or goes into it). We laugh and sing along to Aretha Franklin’s ‘Freeway of Love’ and Belinda Carlisle’s ‘I Feel the Magic’ while the snowy banks rush by in a blur. When we arrive at our friend Missy’s dorm, she is nowhere to be found, and this being in the time before cel phones, we simply hunker down in the hallway and wait. I spin in a circle for a few more pictures, my ridiculously shredded red sweater flailing about in tattered strips – some vague homage to Salome via Norma Desmond – and all the while Ann lifts my sunken spirits, heals my wounded wrists, and brings me back to life.

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY THAT I’M USING WORDS
THEY’VE GONE OUT, LOST THEIR MEANING
DON’T FUNCTION ANYMORE…
T R A V E L I N G . . .
LEAVING LOGIC AND REASON
T R A V E L I N G . . .
TO THE ARMS OF UNCONCIOUSNESS

Madonna does her part too, though I’m not sure if her new song is a help or a hindrance on my emotional state of mind. ‘Bedtime Story’ is the title track from her latest album, ‘Bedtime Stories’ – a trippy little nugget of music penned by Bjork and eons away from anything Madonna had ever done. It was a cosmic left-fielder on the R&B/New Jill Swing sound of the rest of the album, and a thrillingly new sonic adventure from a woman whom some had already written off in the aftermath of ‘Erotica’ and ‘Sex’. Here she was, bravely and defiantly moving forward, holding onto her pop crown, and not for nearly the last time, as she put out a spectacular video of instantly iconic poses and looks. If the song itself wasn’t a #1 smash like its predecessor ‘Take A Bow’, it held a special place in the hearts of her die-hard fans. It also informed this very tender time in my life, when I sought solace in the arms of friends, forgoing lovers as much as I might have liked one. When on the brink of self-obliteration, first-time lovers are not usually much help.

LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS…

While Ann is staying with Missy in her dorm, I’ve secured a hotel room nearby. I’m still not quite ready to be around people, even those who love me most. Wrestling with personal demons, in the deep dark of night, is not a communal affair. Such battles must be fought alone, if they are to be won for good. I cannot explain it then; I cannot explain it now. Ann understands, and leaves me to the war in solitude.

WORDS ARE USELESS, ESPECIALLY SENTENCES
THEY DON’T STAND FOR ANYTHING
HOW COULD THEY EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL?

Alone in the hotel room, after friends have departed, I lower the lights and confront the silence. The appalling silence. The silence that dares to try to comfort me after all its betrayals. And after banishing everyone from my space, I suddenly panic at the thought of not marking this time, and so begin the nagging attempt of immortalizing the moment on 35 mm film. Sinking down to the floor in a silk robe, I sit in the shallow pool of light that falls from the bathroom door, looking at the ground, pondering the position of a young man willing himself out of the world.

T R A V E L I N G . . . T R A V E L I N G . . .
I’M TRAVELING
T R A V E L I N G . . . T R A V E L I N G . . .
LEAVING LOGIC AND REASON
T R A V E L I N G . . . T R A V E L I N G . . .
I’M GONNA RELAX
T R A V E L I N G . . . T R A V E L I N G . . .
IN THE ARMS OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS

My sleep, when it finally comes, is restless. It feels like it snows a bit as my eyes wander to the window, but I don’t know if I’m dreaming that. Pulling the curtains open and closed and open again, as the gray light of a dying winter seeps into the room, I’m no longer sure if I’m sleeping or awake, whether it’s night or morning, if I’m actually there or actually not.

The room should feel cold on such a night, and maybe it does. Physical sensations have always been secondary to emotions, and it’s already made a mess of my young life. If we only knew to survive first and feel things later, so much danger might have been avoided.

LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS…

That next day, we rise early. The sky is overcast but bright – the lightest of grays that is a cover of clouds but doesn’t quite look like it. It is simply as if the sky has drained itself of color, leaking every bit of sacred blue into some hidden sea. Whatever I had hoped to find or discover on the previous night’s voyage of solitude proved annoyingly elusive. As my friends arrive, I have nothing to show for it. Still, I remember that night. To this day, I remember it, and remarkably better than so many other nights with so many other forgotten people. Maybe I made peace with at least one of my demons. Maybe I had too many then to even notice.

We climbed into the car, a rack of costumes hanging in the back seat. We were heading to Rochester for the next stop. A mosaic-patterned scarf in reds and purples flew like a flag from the car antenna – the closest we would get to any sort of recreation of the bus extravaganza from ‘The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert’. It took flight, and in its silly way lifted my spirits.

AND INSIDE WE’RE ALL STILL WET
LONGING AND YEARNING
HOW CAN I EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL?
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS HONEY
LET’S GET UNCONSCIOUS…

Rochester, future city and site of a multitude of sins and mistakes, was right then a refuge, and Ann’s dorm room at RIT felt like home. With her band of misfit friends, I settled in and simply allowed myself to exist. The show would go on, and I would start assembling a vision of myself that wasn’t quite there yet, one that wasn’t quite real, filled with dramatic pomp and manipulated circumstance, which would carry me through the next few difficult years, as on the wings of a dream. With Ann by my side, I took off, and all those grand delusions would prove more than ephemeral ghosts.

T R A V E L I N G . . . T R A V E L I N G . . .
IN THE ARMS OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS
AND ALL THAT YOU’VE EVER LEARNED
TRY TO FORGET
I’LL NEVER EXPLAIN AGAIN.
SONG #164 – ‘Bedtime Story’ – March 1995
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Dazzler of the Day: P!nk

P!nk occupies a sparkling spot in the pop culture firmament, and she’s one of those artists who has a bottomless pile of hit songs that go so far back you forget how much goodness there is in such a body of work. She recently won this year’s Billboard Music Icon Award, which is why she’s back on everyone’s mind – but to so many she never left, and I admire that kind of resilience and power. She earns her first Dazzler of the Day just for being herself for an eternity in the pop music game. 

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #163 ~ ‘Love Profusion’ – Spring 2003

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

THERE ARE TOO MANY QUESTIONS
THERE IS NOT ONE SOLUTION
THERE IS NO RESURRECTION
THERE IS SO MUCH CONFUSION
AND THE LOVE PROFUSION
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME KNOW
AND THE LOVE VIBRATION
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE IT SHINE

By April 2003 we had been in our home for just over a year, and our first spring traditions were starting to take form. The opening of the pool, the preparing of the gardens, and the general spring cleaning that accompanied this time of the year made for an exciting moment – the release of a new Madonna album added to the energy, but not in the bombastic way most people associate with Madonna, especially in the mayhem surrounding the release of that album.

The final song from the ‘American Life’ album’ to be featured on the Madonna Timeline is ‘Love Profusion’ – fortuitously timed as this is the same time of the year when that infamous album was released. For all the incendiary talk and controversy the lead title track inspired, ‘Love Profusion’ was more indicative of the electronic pastoral that Madonna had conjured with ‘American Life’ – and the classic sonic vibe of her work with Mirwais.

THERE ARE TOO MANY OPTIONS
THERE IS NO CONSOLATION
I HAVE LOST MY ILLUSIONS
WHAT I WANT IS AN EXPLANATION
AND THE LOVE PROFUSION
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME KNOW
AND THE LOVE DIRECTION
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME SHINE
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME SHINE, YOU MAKE ME FEEL

‘Love Profusion’ captured that happily hazy period when spring was ripening into summer, but the evenings and mornings were still chilly. I put the quieter ballads together and played them on repeat to lull us to sleep at night. This was one of those songs – a sweet love song, the kind that always felt like a throwaway to Madonna in the vein of ‘True Blue’ or ‘Cherish’ – where she would perform them on one tour then retire them for decades. (Still waiting on that ‘Cherish’ resurrection…) ‘Love Profusion’ didn’t even get a tour performance, and I’m cool with that.

I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN

The lyrics feel lazy, but today I’ll take it for something lighter, and more innocent and hopeful. Back in 2003, we were ready for that, and in 2021 we are even more ready for it. That doesn’t mean it’s particularly special or groundbreaking, but even when Madonna is pleasantly unremarkable, she’s still a joy to hear.

THERE IS NO COMPREHENSION
THERE IS REAL ISOLATION
THERE IS SO MUCH DESTRUCTION
WHAT I WANT IS A CELEBRATION
AND I KNOW I CAN FEEL BAD
WHEN I GET IN A BAD MOOD
AND THE WORLD CAN LOOK SO SAD
ONLY YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD

The video for this is one of my least favorite Madonna videos. I almost wish she didn’t even bother, and the less said about it the better.

I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
AND THE LOVE PROFUSION
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME KNOW
AND THE LOVE INTENTION
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME SHINE
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
YOU MAKE ME SHINE, YOU MAKE ME FEEL

Song #163 – ‘Love Profusion’ – Spring 2003

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Lilac Wine

The only thing missing from this post – practically perfect with its views of lilacs and the voice of Nina Simone – is the perfume from these beautiful flowers. Even in this terrible world, even in this wonderful world, one need not get lost to be found. The appeal of losing myself to such intoxication has faded with the passing years. I remember the empty magic of diving under, but I do not miss it. A song is enough to get close to that enchantment. 

I lost myself on a cool damp night
I gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree

Flowers and music, so perfectly paired, remind me of The Flower Clock. And the start of summer.

I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
And be what I want to be

When I think more than I want to think
I do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you

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Dazzler of the Day: Annie Lennox

Elegance, humility and grace don’t often find themselves as descriptors in the career of any pop superstar, but Annie Lennox has embodied those traits, and so many more wonderful aspects. in her storied journey. An icon since the 80’s, when she burst onto the scene in the Euythmics, she eventually came into her own with color albums like ‘Medusa’, ‘Bare’, ‘Nostalgia’ and my personal favorite ‘Diva’ – the latter of which absolutely illuminated and guided me through the formative years of my life. To this day her voice remains a sterling treasure, but it’s her attitude and advocacy for all those in need of help or support that have kept her legacy so impressively untarnished. She earns this Dazzler of the Day because of those efforts, and because she’s just so fucking cool.

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No Rest for the Weary

Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that I’ve been beating myself up a bit for not achieving everything I wanted to achieve – just basic things like cleaning up the attic and the gardens – and for not dealing with other issues in as kind and generous a way as I’d like to have done, and so I’m playing this song as a reminder that we should all take it a little easier on ourselves. We’ve been through a lot this past year, and it’s ok to feel a little worn and weary at this point. 

Now I, I may be, I may be sentimental
But I wanna say that I’ve had my griefs
Oh, and I’ve had my cares
And just a good word soft and gentle
Makes it, makes it easier
Easier to bear
When we are gentler with ourselves, it’s easier to be gentler with others. The world very much much feels like it’s in a fragile state still. Much has happened, and the only way we might get through it is to stay close, to stay kind, to stay vigilant and safe. To take care of ourselves, and to take care of each other. If that means trying a little tenderness instead of something else, I’m willing to switch things up and try such a happy notion. And if I need a little reminder and nudge now and then, kindly send one my way. 
Now, I might forget it
Oh, but don’t let me forget it
Love’s all my whole, whole happiness
And it’s so, so easy
Try a little
Oh, try a little tenderness
Tender, tender, tenderness

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