Category Archives: Music

We begin with a waltz.

A swan.

And a young prince.

A fairy tale turned on its head, reversing gender roles, mind-fucking preconceived notions, and inverting the idea of where wisdom and knowledge resides, this story is like a multi-faceted jewel with many planes and cuts and angles. 

Life examined through the eyes of a child is life at its purest, and no matter how we try to hide what we do, children always see right through it. Whether they realize it plainly and actually, or merely sense it through instinct and natural empathy, children know. 

We know.

Mathew Bourne’s take on ‘Swan Lake’ posits a male version of the ballet – a gay fantasia that blasphemes the traditional and uptight ballet rules, throwing them out and replacing them with passion and messy emotion. It thrilled and moved me, sparking memories of a childhood of dreams and nightmares, desire and fantasy and tragedy – a dramatically operatic presentation of a gay boy’s past, somehow imagined and known and conjured by a gay composer. 

A review by David Roberts captured the story and the meanings behind it better than I could have done. He will narrate the rest of this swan’s tale.

“”Swan Lake” opens with The Young Prince tossing and turning in his very large bed, agitated by nightmares. Above him appears a figure from his imagination, a powerful swan. The figure disappears and his mother The Queen enters his room to console him; however, when he reaches out to her she turns away from him unable to give him the love and attention and acceptance that he needs.” ~ David Roberts

“In the remainder of the first act, we see The Young Prince and The Prince now grown attempting to adjust to being part of a Royal Family. He is paraded around by his mother, they both wave a lot (as Royals do), smile a lot (as Royals must), cut ribbons and launch new ships. But all of this activity does not satisfy the Prince’s need for love.” ~ David Roberts

“This is a Prince struggling with issues of separation and individualism, sexual identity, and self-realization. His Private Secretary continuously tries to set him up with a girlfriend. The Queen does not approve of this commoner and The Prince becomes more frustrated in his ability to find a significant relationship and determines to commit suicide by throwing himself into the lake in the park on the grounds of the palace.” ~ David Roberts 

“The funny thing is, the more people I surround myself with, the lonelier I feel. I could be dancing in a sea of people and still be completely alone. You may be the very first person at one of these parties to see me.”
? M.A. Kuzniar

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
11. A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
12. A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
13. Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
14. A Milky Interlude 
15. Rock Out, Cock Out/ Hang Out, Wang Out: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
16. Cocktail Cocktale: Part One and Part Two.
17. A Fairy’s Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
18. Willy Wonkers: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
19. A Peacock In Everything But Beauty: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
20. Swan Lake Fantasia: Part One.

Why shouldn’t a peacock transform into a swan? 

Why should such magic be reserved solely for the ugly ducklings?

And haven’t they suffered enough?

Even the beautiful don’t often realize at what price beauty comes. It is not always a gift.

The same might be said of youth, more powerfully too, as that is something all of us have had in one way or another. Did you realize yours when it was at hand? Did you appreciate and acknowledge its power? Did you savor or favor those precious days? 

Everyone had a childhood, and the common elements of childhood are largely the same no matter where or when you journeyed through yours. It was a time of peril and danger, delicacy and delight, tenderness and toughness – the very best of times, and the very worst. The entire world tilted and teetered on a tear or a laugh, and the smallest of gestures felt like the grandest and most life-altering of catastrophes. 

Darkness loomed around every corner and every edge of every day. 

The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale has reached its swan transformation, which is arguably the centerpiece of the entire project. Twenty years ago I was only just beginning to genuinely reflect and process my own childhood – the hurts and harm done in that time, done to me, done by me – and this sort of self-psycho-analysis came with its own risks, its own darkness. 

Our prancing peacock shape-shifts into a beautiful swan – beautiful and viciously brutal.

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
11. A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
12. A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
13. Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
14. A Milky Interlude 
15. Rock Out, Cock Out/ Hang Out, Wang Out: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
16. Cocktail Cocktale: Part One and Part Two.
17. A Fairy’s Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
18. Willy Wonkers: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
19. A Peacock In Everything But Beauty: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.

While I was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s, my main gay awareness arrived in the 90’s, long after the disco world of Gloria Gaynor and this dance version of ‘I Am What I Am’ tore up the floors. I happened upon it on a compilation CD I found in a Provincetown music store, and it wasn’t just because of the underwear-clad male model on the cover, I swear. I also knew the song from ‘La Cage Aux Folles’ so the melody and sentiment were familiar. It spoke to my burgeoning gay sensibility on another plane. 

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation

It’s my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it’s not a place I have to hide in
Life’s not worth a damn
‘Til you can say, I am what I am

A musical reference to Provincetown feels apt at this moment – and whenever I think of Provincetown I think of little jewels of moments – this one is a snippet of one of my first visits. Making my way back to whatever accommodations I had after a night out, I found myself pausing at the privet fence of a little cottage on some side street off Commercial. The blooms on the hedge, always so simple and unassuming, perfumed the night air; it was the scent of summer, the scent of beauty. 

I am what I am
I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty

I remember peering into the cottage windows, where a Tiffany lamp glowed, bathing the space in warm light. It looked so cozy and inviting, and even though it was summer and more than warm enough outside, it was still night. I longed for a place that was warm and lit like that, and while the perfume of the privet flowers tickled my nose, and a night breeze ran its cool fingers through my hair, I couldn’t see that place in my future just yet.

And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle?
Why not try to see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham
‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces

Peering into the house a little while longer, I wondered at its owners and inhabitants, at the lives they lived, and the people they loved, and in that idea was hope and exhaustion and the exquisite murkiness of what might lie ahead for me. Snippets of whatever gay dance song was big at the moment played in my head, or maybe it was this song, discovered in this town, decades after it first came out, just as I was coming out, just when I needed most to believe…

It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet
Life’s not worth a damn
‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces

It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet
Life’s not worth a damn
‘Til you can shout out, I am what I am

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
11. A Pool Frolic: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
12. A Cemetery Interlude: Part One and Part Two.
13. Powder Blue Fur Doll: Part One.

From behind the mirrored shade of his sunglasses, he watched the sun descend behind a grand oak tree. This is what was rightly called the golden hour, and everything looked better at this time of the day. The universe moves so quickly, he thought, willing the moment to be still, willing the clock to stop, failing and flailing at every turn. What else to do but listen to a song and hope that a memory sticks?

Dream, when you’re feeling blue
Dream, that’s the thing to do
Dream while the smoke rings rise in the air
You’ll find your share of memories there

Remembering summer days is most often a waste of a winter, even if it feels good. If you learn to embrace the winter as much as you embrace the summer, you’ll find that life is a lot happier. Summer feels richer then too. 

So, dream when the day is through
Dream, and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So, dream, dream, dream

Dream, when the day is through
Dream, and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So, dream, dream, dream, dream
So, dream, dream, dream

The recent online posting of ‘The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale‘ dovetails neatly with the spring dream theme currently playing out on our website, as our latest entry rekindles a dreamy summer day in the pool – harkening to the past and hinting at the summer to come. Such a crux is fertile ground for mental rumination, and to set the tone, keep scrolling to hear a dream-themed musical selection for your aural gratification. 

Every night I hope and pray
A dream lover will come my way
A girl to hold in my arms
And know the magic of her charms
‘Cause I want a girl to call my own 
I want a dream lover
So I don’t have to dream alone

Dream lover, where are you
With a love, oh, so true
And the hand that I can hold
To feel you near as I grow old

‘Cause I want a girl to call my own 
I want a dream lover
So I don’t have to dream alone

Someday, I don’t know how
I hope she’ll hear my plea
Some way, I don’t know how
She’ll bring her love to me

Dream lover, until then
I’ll go to sleep and dream again
That’s the only thing to do
‘Til all my lover’s dreams come true
‘Cause I want a girl to call my own
I want a dream lover
So I don’t have to dream alone

While it took place over twenty years ago, I still remember this photo shoot – it was a rare one that Andy agreed to do since I was tired of trying to grapple with a tripod in the pool. We’d had a delivery of steaks from my parents, and I hastened to make use of the dry ice in a martini glass.

Fluff and filler, the pictures formed a bit of padding in an already frivolous tour book, but there were darker turns to come, and knowing this I let the photos have their moment. 

Please don’t make me dream alone
I beg you don’t make me dream alone
No, I don’t wanna dream alone…

~ The Divine Diva Tour: A Fairy’s Tale ~

1. Pink Frilly Fairy: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three
2. Homage to Herb: Part One, Part Two and Part Three
3. A Purple-Hued Interlude
4. Style & Panache: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
5. Purple Puff Confection: Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.
6. A Blue-Hued Interlude
7. Fuchsia Fabulousness: Part One. Part Two and Part Three.
8. Bad Boy Bangs: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
9. Vanity Under Where: Part One, Part Two. and Part Three.
10. Sugar Plum Ballerina: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.