Category Archives: Gay Marriage

Our Wedding, Part 7: The Wedding Lunch

After our stroll in the park, we headed across the street to the hotel to change and fill out the official marriage documentation. Here is Chris as he signs the license and makes it all legally official.

Andy and I changed into dressier pants for a lunch at the Four Seasons, and placed the bridal bouqet in a vase above the fireplace.

This was my white raincoat, in the event of rain – now I could wear it just for its fun ruffled back.

Andy opted for khakis over fancy frills, but we both kept our matching shirts on as we headed over to the Four Seasons for a midday lunch courtesy of “Aunt” Elaine and Suzie.

Andy and I had reserved the Bristol Lounge of the Four Seasons on our last trip to Boston, and their service was splendid. They even brought out a congratulatory chocolate tower cake – eight layers of chocolate and cream that was enough to feed all nine of us following a delicious meal.

After lunch, we had some time to ourselves to rest and relax.

Later in the day, I returned to the Public Garden alone. A pair of swans was just beginning to build a nesting area on the side of the pond. One of them swam around with the swan boats, periodically returning to his partner, who seemed to be doing most of the work. Not unlike a certain other couple…

{To be continued…}

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Our Wedding, Part 6: The Perfect Day in the Park

When we chose the Boston Public Garden as the site of our wedding, we knew there was the potential of bad weather. May is hardly the safest month to bank on sunny skies, but we also decided that rain or shine, there was nowhere else we’d rather do it. We’d spent a number of our Boston trips strolling through the leafy expanse, watching the playful squirrels and waterfowl, and it always felt like an oasis in the midst of the city.

The site of the ceremony was near two of my favorite trees – a mighty Metasequoia and a looming larch – and between two flowering cherries.

On this, our wedding day, we truly lucked out. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and a pair of swans was just beginning to nest by the pond. After the ceremony, we walked around the park, savoring the moment and the beauty.

It is one of our favorite places in the whole world.

{To be continued…}

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Our Wedding, Part 5: The Ceremony

The hotel has changed their flower display in the lobby. On the morning of our wedding, big, beautiful double pink peonies burst forth in bloom, filling the air with their gorgeous fragrance. Grounded by green hydrangeas and backed by soaring pink cherry blossoms, it is the perfect backdrop to a sunny spring day.

Back up in the room, I have changed into my wedding outfit and take one last look at the Garden to see if I can glimpse our families assembling.

As decreed many moons ago, I am wearing an old pair of ripped jeans. They are the same pair of jeans I was wearing when I met Andy in the summer of 2000. Now, almost exactly ten years later, I somehow still fit into them.

I have on something old (a pair of lime-green moccasins circa 1995), something new (a striped Burberry shirt), something borrowed (a stone necklace from Denmark, courtesy of Suzie, that I have tied around a belt loop), and something blue (the jeans). Andy wears a lime-green shirt that matches mine, and a pair of new jeans.

Suzie has brought an unexpectedly-perfect bouquet of white peonies for me to carry, and they smell sweetly of summer. (Of all things, and of all people, I did not think of having flowers, but Suzie saves the day.)

It is time.

We make our way to the Boston Public Garden, where we meet up with our families.

Our friend and officiant Chris crafted the ceremony we had always envisioned – simple, sweet, meaningful, and with just a few touches of humor to keep our families smiling.

There were a few tears of happiness as well, and I finally understood what all the fuss was about. I always wondered if people really meant it when they said that their wedding day was the happiest of their lives. For me, it certainly was.

After the final vows and the first official kiss, I just had this overwhelming wish to hug Andy because I was so happy. It wasn’t planned, but that’s what love does.

{To be continued…}

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Our Wedding, Part 4: The Dawn of the Wedding Day

I wake first, as usual, and pad into the living room. It is a beautiful sunny day , and the light fills the window that looks out over the Public Garden.

It is still and silent. A sense of calm anticipation fills me, and a quiet elation, as I contemplate that I will soon be marrying the man that I love.

I peer through the window and can just barely make out the spot where we will be married. Though Andy sleeps in the room right next to me, I feel sublimely alone, and safe in the knowledge that he is here.

These are our last moments as single men. Despite the fact that nothing will change, it is a shift. We will now be bound together. It is a rite of passage, another step in growing up, and we are ready.

Both Andy and I had led extensive lives before we met one another, and in the almost ten-years we have been together we have continued to do so. But our wedding will mark a milestone – a delicate demarcation in our journey. We are letting go of what came before, and this is a new beginning for both of us.

In the hours before we are joined, I have this one last moment to myself.

{To be continued…}

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Our Wedding, Part 3: The Last Call of a Bachelor

After the Rehearsal dinner, Suzie and Chris took me out to the Oak Bar of the Copley Fairmont. We wanted classic and traditional old-Boston, and we got it. Being that it was well past midnight, we were welcomed for last call. We dangled the possibility of ordering the $12,700 martini (which came with a diamond ring and a night at the hotel) before the waiter, who laughingly agreed to let us stay later if we ordered that. One more was all any of us needed anyway, as it was to be an early morning.

It was a perfect ending to the perfect beginning, talking with two of the people that I love most in this world. As the golden lions saw us out, we took a few photos.

Suzie and Chris returned to the condo, while I walked back to the hotel alone. Newbury Street was deserted and the wind had picked up. It was a cool evening, and I looked up at the sky and hoped for good weather. In the hallway of our floor, a pair of peacocks welcomed me back into the warmth.

Settling into the sumptuous surroundings, I slipped into some silk pajamas and read a little of ‘Moby Dick’ before going to bed. This was a very special pair of pajamas – I got them while Andy and I were in Boston celebrating my birthday a few years ago. It was a ridiculously extravagant purchase (they’re the most expensive pajamas I’ll ever own – and actually cost more than a few of my (cheap) suits.) They were the only choice for the night before our wedding.

{To be continued…}

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Our Wedding, Part 2: The Rehearsal Dinner

My search for the perfect pink jacket from Brooks Brothers paid off, as did the matching tie and Ted Baker shoes, but perhaps even more fortuitous was Andy’s selection. He surprised me with this bright cross between fuchsia and aubergine. I would never have thought of pairing it with pink, but it worked wondrously well.

Once dressed, we awaited the arrival of our guests.

Our wedding party was a small, intimate one, made up of the people who meant the most to us: my parents, Andy’s Dad and sister Karen, our “Aunt” Elaine, my “matron-of-honor” Suzie, and our officiant, Chris.

We gathered in the suite before heading downstairs to The Bar for a pre-dinner cocktail.

The Bar is a traditional old-Boston affair, with dark wood, tufted chairs and chintz banquettes. We occupied a corner beneath a few ancient oil paintings, where a smartly-dressed waiter brought us sidecars, and Suzie fortified herself for her rehearsal dinner speech.

Then it was time for dinner. Andy and I chose the Top of the Hub as a fun way to begin, and a good introduction to the whole city of Boston beneath us.

The food was excellent, and we have to thank Andy’s father Tom and sister Karen for an amazing dinner, matched only by the breathtaking view. (In a fun semi-celebrity side-note, Michelle Kwan was having dinner at the table behind us, though no one other than me knew, or cared, that it was her. Figure skating is a real sport, people, and she is a two-time Olympian…)

Suzie gave a lovely speech as only she could, and then it was time for her and Chris to whisk me away for one final evening of bachelorhood.

{To be continued…}

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Our Wedding, Part 1: The Arrival & Accommodations

Andy and I in front of our home, just prior to departing for Boston.

This was our suite at the Taj Hotel. Originally, the Taj was the Ritz Carlton, and it looks over the Boston Public Garden, the site of our ceremony. We selected it because our wedding was somewhat inspired by E. B. White’s The Trumpet of the Swan.

It was the perfect place – understated elegance, classical style, and impeccable service. There was a handwritten-note wishing us well during our special stay, and a tray of fruit and cheeses arrived along with a bottle of red wine.

This is the bedroom, with its king-size bed and windows looking out onto Newbury Street (actually, right across our floor was the Men’s floor of Burberry, but for once I had other things on my mind.) Each night there was a turn-down service, including a couple of chocolates. (I think Andy’s going to have to provide this when we return home.)

One of the things I notice most about a hotel is its use of flowers. A minor thing, I know, but one that has a major impact on me. Out of all the hotels we searched, the Taj always had an outstanding floral display in the lobby.

Peonies, hydrangeas and roses – two of my favorites and one of Andy’s.

Single peonies don’t always get all the glory their double cousins do, but they have more interesting colors, like this coral beauty, which glows perfectly beside an amber lamp.

More peonies were in store for us, but before that it was time to dress for The Rehearsal Dinner.

{To be continued…}

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The Rehearsal Dinner Outfit

Pink Jacket by Brooks Brothers. Pink striped tie by Robert Graham.

Pink shoes by Ted Baker.

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The Wedding Shoes

These are but two of the pairs I’ll be wearing this weekend. (Because pink goes good with green.)

There’s also a pair of black wingtips that I’ll wear to dinner at Mistral.

The lime green moccasins were purchased over fifteen years ago, and are serving as the ‘something old’ every bride needs.

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Why I’m Not A Bridezilla

Let’s face it: you expected me to be. I think even Andy, as well as he knows me, harbored a few not-so-secret fears that I would turn into some crazed bride-to-be, power-hungry with a sense of bridal entitlement that pushed reason, manners, and simple human decency aside. He all but banned the ‘Bridezillas’ show from our home out of concern that I would be influenced by the bad behavior exhibited there.

I’ll admit that it’s a fair assumption for people to think I could slip easily into Bridezilla mode. I’ve certainly thrown my fair share of tantrums over the years, had many a diva moment, and perfected a drive for perfectionism and precision that has baffled friends. (Case in point: Suzie noticed my first-ever typo in an e-mail message this past month – the first one in seventeen years of sending e-mail messages to her.) But as that e-mail slip-up attests, I’ve grown much more relaxed in the last ten years, so the idea of turning into a Bridezilla at this stage of the game just seems too exhausting to entertain. (It takes an exorbitant amount of energy to stage a proper conniption.)

For those that really know me, this should come as no surprise. The really important and meaningful events of my life have never been heralded with fanfare and over-the-top production – they’re quiet, shared by a few, and silently emboldened by the very privacy that surrounds and protects them. I’ll save the hype and hoopla for silly parties and projects, but not my wedding.

So for those expecting a show, I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint… at least until the reception party. In the meantime, there’s always WEtv.

{Photographs of my wedding raincoat. Just in case…}

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License to Wed

Andy and I spent a long weekend in Boston, MA, where we applied for our wedding license. En route to the paperwork, we passed by this auspicious sign:

Neither of us was quite sure what to expect as far as obtaining a wedding license went, particularly as we approached the monolithic cement structure of City Hall. I’ve passed it a zillion times but never entered.

We made our way to the Marriage counter, where we stood in line behind a friendly lesbian couple from New York City. (The state of New York ended up losing out on $100. in paperwork during the brief five minutes of our application process, which we were all too happy to give to a neighboring state that supports our right to marry.)

After the quick and painless procedure, we made our way to Quincy Market for lunch.

The snowdrops were just beginning to bloom, and we managed to avoid rain for the entire day and night.

To celebrate, we had dinner at the Top of the Hub. Neither of us had ever been to this Boston mainstay, but it was well worth the unintentional wait, and after sampling what they had to offer, we agreed that it would be an ideal location for our wedding rehearsal dinner. I started off with the Level 52 (a martini named for the restaurant’s location on the 52nd floor of the Prudential Building, and its use of Level vodka).

Shortly after we were seated, a couple sat down at the table next to us. The girl was nicely turned out in a simple black dress, and a silver peace-sign ring on one hand betraying her age. Her companion was in a rumpled dress shirt one size too big for him, and hair in need of a little more product. I looked at Andy and asked, “Are these two people…”

“Twelve?” he finished.

Okay, they weren’t twelve, but they were not a day over eighteen years old. However, they were very well behaved, and I found it reassuring when the girl unabashedly ate three pieces of bread slathered in butter – date be damned.

On the other side of our table was a couple from Austria, who began with champagne and then had their red wine decanted by candlelight. (Among the three tables, there were three distinct levels of sophistication – and we were right smack dib in the middle.) As we finished up our dinner (swordfish for me, seared tuna for Andy), the waiter asked if we were celebrating any special event and we explained that we had just registered for our wedding license. He congratulated us both and returned with our dessert menus.

In what may have been the sweetest and most hopeful moment of the evening, the young woman next to us looked our way and offered her congratulations.

“Well, we’ve been together for nine years, so it’s really just a formality,” I said. “But thank you.”

“Even so, that’s great,” her companion said. Andy and I thanked them again.

High above Boston, the future sounded bright and simple in the eyes of a couple of kids half my age, whose poise and grace and unquestioning acceptance moved me immensely, and whose silly jewelry and wrinkled shirt would be ironed out in the next few years.

On the way out, one of my favorite flowers, the gloriosa lily, stood in a tall vase before the elevators as Andy got our coats. A glorious ending to a perfect weekend.

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The Formal Invitations to the Wedding Ceremony

Yesterday I finally finished the formal invitations to our wedding ceremony in Boston. This piece of hand-made paper served as inspiration for the color scheme, and the birds fit into the theme as well (being that these were also inspired by The Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White.)

The invitation is housed in an old-fashioned hat-box, which I had to paint, re-paint, and re-paint again until I found the exact shade that worked. The top was covered in the aviary-themed paper; the bottom was fitted with a fabric pad covered in turquoise Thai silk.

Inside, the invitation itself is actually a book I made that tells the story of Andy and me. It is covered in the same paper and tied with a silk ribbon. It is printed on Watercolor paper, which was chosen for its texture, tint, and elegant-but-still-rustic simplicity. I bound the book myself, using a Japanese book-binding technique, and some perfectly-hued embroidery floss. Stamps and colored-ink were combined with traditional printing to produce the inner pages.

The book rests on a chartreuse velvet pillow (and quite a bit of practice was necessary to craft a proper circular pillow). It seems like it should be easier than it actually was – I mean, it’s just a circle, but what a difficult thing a circle is to sew.

A bit of tufting in the center and a single Swarovski crystal finished the pillow off, creating a fitting bed for a very special book.

It is easily the best invitation we will ever send out. (And fortunately also the smallest in number – only seven people will receive one. There’s simply no way I could make another.)

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Gay Marriage Letter to the Editor

I wrote a Letter to the Times Union last week and it was printed today – of course they edited out some of my favorite parts, so here, for the record, is the original in its entirety:

This letter was supposed to be filled with facts and figures supporting gay marriage, arguments regarding religion, separation of church and state, citations of civil rights, and a long list of how many laws our citizens are currently being denied. It was supposed to proffer reasonable arguments for allowing gay marriage, condemning the ‘separate but equal’ notion of civil unions, and dispelling the idea that it would denigrate anyone else’s marriage or the institution itself.

But after all the clinical analyses, it rang hollow. This has never been about laws or legal matters or civil rights or even equality. For me it comes down to one thing: Love. The battle against gay marriage is, at its cold core, an attack on love. It is this personal stance that has been largely forgotten amid all of our philosophical and religious differences.

Those opposed to gay marriage don’t seem to understand what they are doing by denying gay couples the right to marry. Aside from the legal benefits marriage affords, there is something intangible that goes much deeper than laws or civil rights – it’s the symbolic joining of two people. It may be a simple piece of paper, but it means something – and the history of its meaning stands behind it. The right to marry is a rite of passage – one that provides an emotional foundation for a relationship.

More than anything else, marriage is the binding union that creates a sense of stability and security. It is a benefit that many of us so desperately need – often the sole motivating force that keeps people together through difficult times, and something to fall back on when there are disagreements or fights. How many married couples have had moments when they’ve had to look back on their wedding day, remember the love and support that they were given then, and rely on the strength of that bond and those vows to get them through a rough time?

I have been with my partner Andy for nine years. He is a retired police officer who was injured on duty, and I am a state worker. While far from perfect, we do our part as citizens – paying taxes, taking care of our home, and carving out a life as a couple. We would have liked to get married in our home state, surrounded by friends and family, celebrating our love and honoring the work and effort we have put into our relationship, yet we can’t do that. Not yet. Not in New York.

Opponents of gay marriage can continue to deny us our rights, and for the time being they may succeed, but they will not be remembered for doing what’s right and honorable, not even in the name of religion. They will be remembered for fostering hate. They will be remembered for separating two people who love each other, and for denying them their wish to be part of a recognized union that celebrates love and commitment. They will be remembered for taking away the stability and support that only marriage can provide.

If you don’t believe in gay marriage, that’s your right. I’m not asking you to change your beliefs. All I am asking is that you think about what you’re doing when you actively seek to deny someone else that right. If we cannot get people to change their minds, perhaps we can get them to change their hearts.

– Alan Ilagan
Loudonville, NY

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