From this point forward, this page will serve as the final repository for all the entries of The Delusional Grandeur Tour: Last Stand of a Rock Star. As such, it needs no real introduction, as there are links enough to provide all the meat you need. Without further ado, I give you all of my delusions, one last time:
“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and along those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and come back to us as effects.” ~ Herman Melville
The places and faces may be familiar, but we have changed.
For far too long I’ve fought against that. Strange, for someone so attuned and stimulated by change. In my heart, it seems it’s always frightened me. And so I embraced it. Now it’s time to let that go.
My luxurious notion of being on tour consists of traveling sporadically throughout the year and staying in fancy hotels whenever the opportunity affords, so while this Abba tune doesn’t speak directly to my experience, I have begun to feel the fatigue of traveling and being gone every other weekend. Being that this is my last-ever jaunt, however, I’ve been reluctant to hang up my touring shoes, so The Delusional Grandeur Tour has gone on far longer than anything else I’ve done. That’s about to end. No extensions. Must close!!! And it will.
On my recent Chicago trip, I stood in the window of the Palomar in the middle of the night, looking out and up at all the buildings illuminated in the darkness. Chicago knows how to accent its features, yet for all the impressive architectural beauty surrounding me, I felt a slight pang of loneliness, something I hardly ever feel. I missed home. The gardens. The bedroom. Andy.
In all the years of searching and seeking out other places to thrill me, I’d unwittingly crafted and found the ideal refuge of comfort and beauty: home. You don’t always realize you have one until you leave it.
TONIGHT THE SUPER TROUPER LIGHTS ARE GONNA FIND ME
SHINING LIKE THE SUN
SMILING, HAVING FUN
FEELING LIKE A NUMBER ONE
TONIGHT THE SUPER TROUPER BEAMS ARE GONNA BLIND ME
BUT I WON’T FEEL BLUE
LIKE I ALWAYS DO
‘CAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THE CROWD THERE’S YOU
The pull of the world, the lights of the universe, and the dizziness of new faces and places – they all conspire to seduce and delight, but it can be a lonely gig. Tiring and tiresome, it takes a lot out of me, and you who are sometimes reading this, to make it all happen. I’m ready to retire this delusional time of my life. It’s been fun, it’s been wild, and we’ve been through so much in all the seven tours I’ve done. So many friends and family, so many places and spaces, so many feelings and thoughts…
FACING TWENTY THOUSAND OF YOUR FRIENDS
HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO LONELY
PART OF A SUCCESS THAT NEVER ENDS
STILL I’M THINKING ABOUT YOU ONLY
THERE ARE MOMENTS WHEN I THINK I’M GOING CRAZY
BUT IT’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT
EVERYTHING WILL BE SO DIFFERENT
WHEN I’M ON THE STAGE TONIGHT
Still, there’s a little bit of kick left to these old legs, a little spark ready to rekindle the fire one last time. A final twirl around the world, a happy ending to send you off to sleep. In some way, we have connected. You’ve come along with me, and if you’re reading this now we’ve done it together. It does mean something. That forges a bond, and that bond is how we erase barriers.
SO I’LL BE THERE WHEN YOU ARRIVE
THE SIGHT OF YOU WILL PROVE TO ME I’M STILL ALIVE
AND WHEN YOU TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS AND HOLD ME TIGHT
I KNOW IT’S GONNA MEAN SO MUCH TONIGHT
TONIGHT THE SUPER TROUPER LIGHTS ARE GONNA FIND ME
SHINING LIKE THE SUN
SMILING, HAVING FUN
FEELING LIKE A NUMBER ONE
TONIGHT THE SUPER TROUPER BEAMS ARE GONNA BLIND ME
It’s been a while since we last posted a proper Delusional Grandeur Tour Book entry, and as we’re down to the final pages, each one brings us a little closer to the end of all ends. I’m not unhappy about that – to be honest, it will be a relief to definitively put a cap on my touring days, and all my delusions. One cannot live on fantasy alone. Even Peter Pan had to grow up, and it all happened off-stage. Still, this boy’s got a few more flights left in him, and while I’m in Chicago this weekend, I invite you to soar in other ways.
First, however, a quick look back at the first eight parts of this final chapter, because they’re each pretty and beautiful and gorgeous in their own way, and the world needs more of that sort of thing now.
The afternoon sun starts to slip behind the continent, giving the Maine coastline that magical illumination of the golden hour. Most of the time I catch this view in the morning, when the sun is ahead, lighting up the land from the other direction. By later afternoon we’ve traditionally moved on to other entertainments. Sometimes, though, I manage to return to this spot for the enchanted light you see here.
As the tour winds down, I find myself looking for quiet pockets of peace. I think of Maine at such times of longing. Perhaps I will end this tour there, at the end of May, when summer is on the horizon…
A violent beating of the air, the crazed yet concise fluttering of the wings, and finally the quick lift into the sky. The life of a bird in all its ferocity. Ripping the heads off of fish, swallowing insects whole, breaking the backs of rodents – these are all in a bird’s method of survival.
We see their graceful flights, the smooth arc of their paths in mid-air, and we marvel at how easy and lovely it appears. We don’t see the tense muscles holding their wings taut beneath the armor of feathers, we don’t see the retracted talons clenched and preparing for perch. We only see what’s pretty.
What holds dominion on this ever-evolving planet of ours: land or sea? For sheer size, might, and fury, I give the edge to our oceans. The egocentric plight of mankind wants to think that we control the water on all our borders, but we are really just on one big island. (And no, islands don’t float.) The sea holds the power, and all the battles are waged and raged on the shore. The crux of water and stone. The space of magnificent meeting. The interface of nature and humanity.
Long have I felt the pull of the water, and long have I wanted to heed its call. I’m drawn to the edge, but not compelled much further. The immensity of the thing frightens me. The thought of how far it goes, and how deep. If you’ve ever stood on a beach looking out over the ocean and trying to fathom how small you are in this universe, you know what a humbling and terrifying notion it can be. As it laps at your feet, and you feel yourself sinking into its pull, you understand what little impact we truly have. If given the chance – and if we so dare to defy its omnipotence – it would have its way with us.
Yet its beauty it unmatched. On tranquil days of sun and surf, it is a balm of supreme calm and contemplation. The cadence of its waves, the ballad of receding water, even the wind its temperature conjures from above – they sound the notes of a song of peace, of inevitability. Grace resides here, along with Redemption. Hand in hand, they walk along the shore. Let us walk with them.
This weekend finds me in travel status again, as The Delusional Grandeur Tour heads West. I’ll be populating tomorrow’s posts with the next installment of the tour book, but as a reminder of where we last left off, here is a brief list of the most recent posts. We’ve embarked on the final section of the piece: Flower Bomb Balm. It will probably be the longest section, as it includes the Grand Finale. As much as I don’t like to draw out goodbyes and endings, this is the last time, so forgive the Lord of the Rings hesitancy to finish up.
We have come close to the end. It has not been a full circle. Most great journeys never are. Even if we end up in the same place where we began, we are different. I like things to be neater than that; I’ve spent my life reconciling myself to the fact that they aren’t. Yet if we haven’t reached our happy ending, there remains good reason to rejoice. We have survived. We are here. I have written this, and you are reading it. Now we share something. There is beauty in that.
The blossoms you see here have long since withered and died. Yet here they are, documented and saved for many years to come. We have managed to still time; we have captured a bit of beauty. Though it’s in the past, I can describe to you the way these blossoms looked in the sunny light of summer, on a beautiful morning in late June when the birds were chirping and the day held all sorts of secrets and promises. I can tell you about the trajectory the sun made as it slowly moved across the sky, and how its warmth grew and expanded, how it drove us into the pool, and how we laughed and splashed. I can describe the pretty scents that surrounded us then – the richness of a rose or the sweet perfume of a mockorange or the mineral-like tang of water – and how those scents ebbed and flowed as the day went on. I can explain the form of a flower, in all its intricate scientific splendor and technical detail, but for that it’s better to simply look.
After all that we’ve been through, after all the ugliness this world has thrown in our way, we have arrived at a moment of calm. The resolution may be fleeting, but for this one moment let there be beauty, and let it resound with the heart-bursting joy that only beauty can bring. From the perilous heights of a soaring zephyr, to the depths of the deepest ocean, let us plummet in glorious exhilaration to a single point of prettiness.
This beauty, as perfect as it may seem, is not everlasting. Such prettiness never is. That doesn’t mean we cannot long for it to remain, or strive to be in its presence.
“People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?” ~ Imelda Marcos
The Delusional Grandeur Tour resumes this weekend with a trip to Boston, and the posting of the Tour Book will continue with tomorrow’s entries. For now, a linky look back at what’s already been posted. We’ve come a long way, but we’re not quite out of the woods…
THE DELUSIONAL GRANDEUR TOUR: LAST STAND OF A ROCK STAR
Even the best-laid plans by the most anal of Virgos can fall by the wayside. In this instance, it’s The Delusional Grandeur Tour. In all likelihood you’ve forgotten, or never even knew in the first place, that this final tour was scheduled to end last month. Instead, I’ve been holding off on the last posting installments of the Tour Book, because I’ve decided to extend the delusion thanks to a comeback, nay, a return, of one of the most delusional divas of them all. That means The Delusional Grandeur Tour is going to run until May 2017!
In such perilous times, we need our delusions more than ever, and this dream is going to go on until Norma Desmond sings again. That’s right, everything’s as if we never goodbye…
While I work on the posts for the final chapter of the Tour Book, here’s a look back at all that has come before – a nifty compilation of the long, winding journey you’ve been generous enough to take with me. If you’re still on this crazy train, I invite you to re-board. Your ticket’s going to get punched like never before!
THE DELUSIONAL GRANDEUR TOUR: LAST STAND OF A ROCK STAR
“For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.” ~ Albert Camus
