Every once in a while I will talk in my sleep, and Andy will catch it, then wake me and relay whatever nonsense I’ve been mumbling. The other night I was apparently screaming, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” and then opining, “Who gave us Cocoa Puffs?? What are we, nine?!”
It didn’t end there. I went on to say, “What am I gonna do with all these Cocoa Puffs?!?” which is where Andy woke me with this: “Put them behind your ears!”
As you can imagine, our bedroom is wild in the wee small hours of the morning.
Last fall, when planning out 20th anniversary posts for this website, I asked all of my friends’ children to send me a few songs that embodied me and ALANILAGAN.com in their minds. Each response was fascinating because it revealed a few things about what they each thought of me, and unintentionally, perhaps, a few things they thought about themselves. I’m slowly working my way through them, and one of the first ones that spoke to me illustrated the intuition and unexpected clairvoyance of Suzie’s daughter Oona.
Always sharp on the ways of humans, thanks to keen and practiced observation, Oona has had a prescient brilliance that set her quietly apart from the rest. I remember what it’s like to be a little different that way – a little quieter and more self-contained – and it has a tendency to work against you in the very ways you most want to reach out and connect. That ended up saving me some serious heartbreak, however, and I’m sure Oona is turning it to her own advantage. As for this song, at first I wondered why she chose it, and then I decided to write what it meant to me before I asked. Here is ‘Death By A Thousand Cuts’ by Taylor Swift, and as I listened to it an understanding of stories I’d forgotten I’d written began to unfold…
Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it’s not enough ‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier’s still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not It’s death by a thousand cuts
Upon first reading, the lyrics seem to indicate some sort of treatise on the demise of a romantic relationship, which is usually what Taylor does best. The first few listens I got some resonance from that, but then another relationship presented itself in my mind – my relationship with drinking – and suddenly this song became one of those flashpoints when everything comes brilliantly alive in frightening fashion. “I get drunk but it’s not enough…”
It’s been three and a half years since I last had a drink, and it’s not even something I think about all that often. So completely has my lifestyle changed in that time, along with the world, that it feels like a thousand years ago, but sometimes it’s good to remember, and to see how drinking might have become my death by a thousand cuts.
I dress to kill my time I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be all right They say, “I don’t know” And what once was ours is no one’s now I see you everywhere The only thing we share Is this small town
You said it was a great love One for the ages But if the story’s over Why am I still writing pages?
When you use alcohol as a method of dealing with your demons, it takes on aspects of a very toxic relationship – the kind of relationships that slowly kills you rather than ending it in one fell swoop. It doesn’t start out that way, and for a while – a couple of decades in fact – it seduced and made it seem like that was the best way to solve any and all problems. It was my way of dealing with social anxiety, and unfair situations, and anger and loss and happiness and joy and celebration… well, you get the idea. It feeds on itself, and I could feel myself heading down a darker path that was alienating loved ones as much as I was alienating myself. My sense of self grew hazier with every martini, my bearings and judgment grew shakier with every glass of wine, and when you start to lose those things, you sometimes hold onto yourself by drinking more.
‘Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it’s not enough ‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not It’s death by a thousand cuts
On those mornings after I’d had too much, that was when it really hurt. It wasn’t the physical aspect of a hangover that was so debilitating and destructive – it was the emotional and mental state I’d be in, the incredibly depressing down that came from drowning myself in a depressant and thinking that would solve anything. The flashbacks woke me up… I looked through the windows of the boarded-up love I shared with liquor… and I knew that liquor would never be my salvation, it would only be my death, no matter how insidiously long it took. Deadened by a thousand cuts…
In that gray haze, I would look around me at the world and wonder why I couldn’t just be like everyone else, why I never felt like I fit in, why everything felt so much harder and more difficult, why I needed a drink to make it all bearable. Slowly, I began to make sense of things, and on the day that it finally and fully dawned on me that my drinking was self-medication for social anxiety and how ill-at-ease I felt with myself and my place in the world, I decided to work on that, and the need – the want – the desire – for all that annihilation instantly dissipated.
The bridge of this song hits harder when I think of all that I put myself through. A bridge is a powerful symbol – it can connect disparate places and parts, piecing things together that might not normally be joined. The rivers and ravines of our lives aren’t always without purpose, but when we create our own divisions and cuts and separations, sometimes we need a bridge. To heal, to join, to make us whole again.
My heart, my hips, my body, my love Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I’m searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans
Knowing that and stopping my drinking was relatively easy once I fully understood what was at work – the hard part was untangling all the things that my drinking had infiltrated and tied in knots. How to dismantle something that had formed such a pillar of my existence? Wasn’t the cocktail an integral part of what made me so fun? Wasn’t it the only thing that made me fun? A part of me that alcohol didn’t touch? A part of me that drinking didn’t take up? I was so mad at myself for not seeing it sooner, for letting it almost take over, I scream out the rest of the bridge in a rage.
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up Gave you so much but it wasn’t enough But I’ll be all right, it’s just a thousand cuts
That’s the trick of drinking. It would never be enough, not for the reasons I thought I needed it. Once I saw that, and started to address the underlying reasons for it, I could let that relationship go. The clean-up and shift took some time, as it was a drastic life-change, but it felt so good that, as frightening as it was to deal with the real reasons for it, I knew it was worth it. Finding the way back to yourself after twenty-plus years of running away from that person isn’t easy. I’d hurt myself, and others, in all that time, and facing the man I’d become from a place of purity – from the place I was in before I started drinking – was uncomfortable and humbling – and precisely what I needed. It was good to see him again, to feel him still there, no matter how badly I hurt him just trying to do the best I knew to survive, to get us both through. We both did our best, and somehow we both came together, fully integrated all these years later, and ready to start again.
I get drunk but it’s not enough ‘Cause you’re not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier’s still flickering here ‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not No, it’s not
It’s death by a thousand cuts (you didn’t touch) Trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch My body, my love, my trust (it’s death by a thousand cuts) But it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough, no, no
I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be all right They say, “I don’t know”
Anyone who steps onto a country music stage and defiantly celebrates drag queens at this moment in time is way more than a Dazzler of the Day, but that’s all I have to offer Kelsea Ballerina right now, and she most definitely deserves it. Be sure to visit her website here to see how much she has already accomplished, and find all the signs of all the promise that is yet to come.
My memory is officially shot, and I can better answer questions on what went down in 1997 (it was probably me) than what happened just ten minutes ago. Case in point: I recently took my daily regimen of pills at night, then promptly took another bunch just half an hour later because I couldn’t remember if I’d taken them before (luckily I’m only on baby doses of blood pressure medication and the rest are just allergy and Vitamin D and other nonsense). Yes, I would probably do well with a weekly/daily pill box for more than vacations now. But I digress, another sign of aging and forgetfulness, and the real purpose of this post was to examine the crocus you see so beautifully in bloom here.
It’s a bit of a surprise because I didn’t remember planting this corm – and in all fairness to me, it was a package of about 50 crocus corms, only one of which actually survived the hungry animals burrowing in the topsoil of our backyard a number of years ago. Yes, one out of fifty, which is why I don’t bother much with bulbs anymore.
As seen above, it is almost completely hidden in the brown debris of winter’s end, even with its striking purple coloring. I actually missed it the first time I walked by, only catching it on my return trip, and the reward was handsome. A few days later, the bloom was gone, eaten by the usual culprits, and another heartbreaking reason not to bother with certain plants at certain times of the year.
Thankfully, I captured it when it had just opened, and the fleeting nature of such beauty adds to its allure ad appreciation. A welcome sign of spring.
The upcoming ‘Barbie‘ movie with Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling is either going to be magnificently awful, or awfully magnificent, and I can’t quite tell from the trailer. See it below and judge for yourself, then go find the Barbie selfie generator and go to town like I did.
Andreas Wijk just released one of the most powerful songs of the past year, thanks to its public delivery to his parents, in which he plays what is basically a coming-out song for them. For that bravery and courage alone (because it’s not always easy to come out, at any point in history) Andreas earns this Dazzler of the Day. Aiding in the dazzlement is his musical talent and body of work, and that song.
A couple of weeks ago we had a family dinner with the whole Ilagan gang, one that spanned 92 years from Dad to my godson Jaxon, and it was one of those moments when it was best to be entirely present and simply take all of it in, especially the antics of Jaxon Layne, which change and evolve every single day.
He’s teething now, which makes for an interesting rollercoaster of emotions and expressions, and Uncle Andy was there for every twist and turn.
Somewhere within the time these photos were taken, Jaxon tooted right on Andy, which I believe is the baby’s way of marking their territory. Andy was way more amused than I would have been, so everything happens for a reason.
Given his mischievous smile, I think Jaxon knew exactly what he was doing, and I can’t wait to see how he grows up. Every day brings something new and noteworthy, and as long as there are smiles and laughs interspersed throughout, and some sleeping time for Mommy and Daddy, Jaxon looks to be an adorable anchor for the family.
Dad lights up whenever Jaxon is around, and they are often on the same sleeping pattern, especially if there’s a full moon on the rise.
Noah and Emi are taking up lacrosse, growing up even faster than Jaxon, so we are just trying to follow along as best we can, with a sleepover in the near future should schedules align. In the meantime, these dinners with the newest Ilagan bring us all together, and any time I get to spend with this cute baby is time that soothes the soul.
As the full moon begins its April rise this week (a Pink Moon no less) we are going to need all the help and calming efforts we can muster. That means checking in with our friends and family, even if it’s just to say hello. You never truly know what another person is going through, and by the time stress and tension and problems outwardly show, who knows what damage has already occurred? Most people aren’t strong enough to show their vulnerable times of need, or ask for help when they require it. I understand such reticence, and so I reach out to people even, and especially, when I haven’t heard from them in a while.
That’s why I’m posting these cheerful Gerbera daisies – a little gift for you or anyone who needs a little boost, a little check-in, a little message that someone is thinking of you.
Author, illustrator, and multi-talented Renaissance creator Alex Testere wears many hats, and all of them quite well. His illustrated book ‘Please Grow: Lessons on Thriving for Plants (and People)” is a life-guide on growing plants and cultivating the soul, two topics more intertwined and connected than most of us realize. In his spare time he may be found knitting some spectacular garment, such as the gorgeous sweater seen below (I’m still angling to see if he might allow me to commission a knitted health vest for the summer season). When one’s career and lifestyle conspires to create its own work of art, the title of Dazzler of the Day doesn’t fully capture the magic at work, but if it helps share some of the joy, it’s worth it. Unsurprisingly, the ‘About’ bio from his website is as charming and captivating as his written work:
I’m an author and illustrator based in Woodstock, New York.
I lived in Brooklyn for almost a decade before my partner and I relocated upstate. Over the years I’ve worked as a blogger, a social sports organizer, a line cook, a cheesemonger, a magazine editor, and now, I get to spend my time doing my favorite things in the world: telling stories and making art.
In my down time, you’ll find my tending my menagerie of houseplants, knitting an intricate sweater, or sipping wine on a beach (if only in my dreams).
I’m currently about to publish my first book, “Please Grow: Lessons on Thriving For Plants (and People).” It’s an illustrated guide to self-care, creativity, and personal growth, rooted in the life cycle of plants. I hope you’ll check it out! I am also available for hire as an illustrator, writer, and consultant.
{Visit Alex Testere’s website here where you can order ‘Please Grow: Lessons on Thriving For Plants (and People)’ and see all the other fabulous stuff going on in his wonderful world.}
A fantastic opportunity for anyone looking to make a difference and do work that matters, the Edie Windsor, Marsha P. Johnson, and Sylvia Rivera LGBTQ+ Fellowship job posting just went up, so if you know anyone interested in a fellowship for the next two years, check out the official link here and read more about it below:
The New York State LGBTQ+ Fellowship was established to support the ongoing efforts in the Governor’s Office of Diversity and Inclusion to advance diversity, equity, and inclusion across New York State government. The LGBTQ+ Fellow is awarded every two years to an individual who has demonstrated a commitment to social justice, a track record of working on LGBTQ+ equality, civil rights, and diversity, equity, and inclusion issues, and a strong interest in a career in public service.
The Fellow will serve in the Office of Diversity and Inclusion and assist the Chief Diversity Officer in optimizing New York State agency diversity and inclusion goals, increasing BIPOC representation across New York State agencies, and continuing to build the State’s leadership as a model employer for New Yorkers of all gender identities and sexual orientations. In collaboration with internal and external stakeholders, the Fellow will also work to advance LGBTQ+ equity across New York State government, including providing policy and content expertise, project management, strategic communications, and legislative tracking.
The fellowship is named after LGBTQ+ leaders who have—with their courage, tenacity and perseverance—raised awareness of LGBTQ+ issues and made a lasting difference in advancing civil rights for some of the most marginalized within the LGBTQ+ community. The fellowship lasts for two years and is named in recognition of three New York leaders: Edie Windsor for her groundbreaking advocacy successfully challenging the federal defense of marriage act and Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera for their movement leading work against gender identity discrimination and advocacy for transgender inclusion within the larger LGBTQ+ movement.
The Fellow will have the opportunity to network across New York State agencies, with elected officials and industry partners and to participate as an Empire State Fellow in educational and professional development programs, including a week-long orientation session and biweekly evening classes that will help them to serve as an effective government leader and strengthen the network of LGBTQ+ policymakers and leaders in New York State working to advance diversity, equity, and inclusion.
The Fellow will serve from September 2023 to September 2025 and will earn a salary of $85,000 plus a generous benefits package.
Five (5) or more years of full-time professional work experience
Demonstrated leadership potential
Availability to work in Albany, NY with significant travel across the state throughout the two-year program
Applicants who are members of groups underrepresented in policy-making roles in New York State government, which include but are not limited to Black, Hispanic, Asian and Pacific Islander persons; women; persons with disabilities; and gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender persons, are particularly encouraged to apply. Those currently employed in the legislative or executive branches of New York state government are not eligible to apply.
My friend Thomasa posted this the other day, and the words of Helena Bonham Carter rang beautifully true. I’ve long since believed everyone produced their own works of art, simply in going through life, and most of that beauty goes unacknowledged and unappreciated. We don’t give ourselves enough credit, and anything can be done with a certain element of artistic flavor. The perception is the key, and the intentional mindfulness of making every moment into a possible moment of art is always a noble effort.
Anyone who knows their way around chocolate and plants as well as Oliver Holecek demands consideration and crowning as Dazzler of the Day. When further backed by the recommendation of an admired and respected friend with exquisite taste, it was a no-brainer. Oliver founded Primo Botanica, which currently offers various jewels of culinary conjurings culled completely from ethically-sourced entities, and available online here as Primo Chocolates. A brief perusal of the offerings reveals such fascinating gems as Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate, Lemon Poppyseed Fudge Eggs, Spicy Mayan Drinking Chocolate, Pistachio Marzipan M!lk Bars, and Mountain Cardamom chocolate bars. It’s the sort of stuff that tastes as good as you can feel about how it is sourced and produced. (Also check out this recent write-up of the “Heaps of Trash” art performance, which sounds like a fascinating amalgamation of art, food, and social commentary.)
A life-changing eggsperience happened Friday night, and I’m still reeling from the revelation. Typically, I love to surprise people, and I love to surprise myself. (The surprise party is a different animal entirely, but that’s another story for another post.) This weekend, I was completely floored, so scroll down and let’s recap the week as we move into April.
Celebrating his birthday (#62 if you can imagine such fitness at such an age – I cannot, given my struggles at #47) Chris Meloni is a prime example of someone at their, well prime. This birthday-suited post from Matthew Rettenmund at BoyCulture reminded me of the sacred hotness of this date. Meloni has been featured here as Dazzler of the Day before, but it’s always nice to honor someone on their birthday. Check out his smoking-hot Peloton ad below where he works out in the nude because when you’re Chris Meloni you can work out naked and no one’s going to complain about anything.
