With the new trailer for the next season of ‘The Gilded Age’ that was just released, I am once again obsessed with this show from the creator of ‘Downton Abbey’. To that end, this Dazzler of the Day goes to Donna Murphy, whose glorious portrayal of Mary Astor is one of the highlights of the series. From a subdued ferocity that belies her formidable social status, to the icy smiles she bestows upon her enemies, Murphy exhibits a lofty untouchable air that is eons from the legendary performance she gave as Fosca in Stephen Sondheim’s underappreciated ‘Passion’. I distinctly recall her work in that seminal production, and it haunts me to this day. Her role on ‘The Gilded Age’ is much more fun, even as she layers it with nuance and studied diction. Seeing her go head-to-head with Carrie Coon’s Bertha is sure to be the dramatic match-up of the fall season.
August
2023
August
2023
Explaining (with NSFW Expletives)
Well this explains it: Mercury has been in apparent retrograde motion since August 23. No wonder my birthday was a big fucking shit-show, no wonder I still feel physically and mentally like crap, no wonder everything and everyone within my radius has turned into a massive monster cunt. (Yeah, this probably means you. Yes, you. Check the mirror – it’s fucking you.)
This bullshit is scheduled to continue until September 14 and I honestly don’t see myself making it to that date without some proverbial casualties. Fuck around and find out. Try it on me. Do it. I dare you.
Wake. This. Beast.
{This joke of a post has been brought to you by Mercury in retrograde. A calmer explanation will hopefully follow. Or it won’t. Whatcha gonna do?}
August
2023
Dazzler of the Day: Trevor Wayne
Artist Trevor Wayne’s main goal in his work is to make people smile, and the colorful and witty way he conveys ideas is certainly smile-inducing. For that ability to charm viewers of his artwork, Wayne earns this Dazzler of the Day crowning. Check out his website and online shop here for more evidence of his brilliance, and the excerpted bio below:
Trevor Wayne mines familiar references for his paintings, drawing on totems of consumerism and mainstream entertainment that are well-known to American audiences. Trevor’s artist statement is to simply “make people smile”, very often by taking dark imagery and flipping it.
Trevor was influenced into a world of art by Saturday Morning Cartoons, and mass production of art he carried with him to school on backpacks, binders, and clothing. He attended the American Academy of Art in Chicago.?
Trevor Wayne was born in Chicago, lived on a blueberry farm in Michigan, lived in Hammond, IN (the town the classic “A Christmas Story” is based on), NYC, Los Angeles, and now resides in Palm Springs, CA.
August
2023
Fogging & Pheasanting
One of the first foggy mornings arrived to signal the late-summer hour. I’d gone out to make a quick perambulation of the backyard and was standing beneath the seven sons flower tree, just beginning its sweet bloom, when I looked down at the pool and saw a shadow and reflection moving across the water.
Well, the sky.
It looked like a pheasant – namesake of the street on which we live, and a bird I’d never seen around here. The longer plumage fluttering behind it tipped me off, as did something extra about the head. Scrambling out from beneath the tree to gain a better look at something more than the reflection, I only saw that it had already disappeared from sight. I stood there in the morning fog, peering into the hazy sky and hoping it would come back, knowing that most birds won’t swoop back because they forgot something.
My gaze returns to the reflections in the pool. When the water is still like this, early in the morning, it becomes like a pane of glass. Sometimes it helps to see a reflection of things to gain a better perspective of what they really are. Is a reflection any less real than what it’s reflecting? Touching the water, one can make it all disappear. More mental contortions for which I’m wholly unprepared, especially this early in the week.
August
2023
A Song for Swimming
This song for swimming isn’t for me.
I haven’t quite decided whether to go swimming again this year.
I haven’t been in the pool since July, since before Dad took his final turn.
It hasn’t felt right to indulge in something that once brought such happiness. Not yet.
That’s ok. There’s no need to rush, and everyone returns to living when and how they are ready.
But there are those of you still out there trying to enjoy every last day of the summer, and for you I offer this 80’s song from some late summer long ago, back when our only worries were getting home before the June bugs swarmed and the street lights came on, back when our parents were there waiting, unconcerned and innocent, the way we all once were, the way that is no longer in existence.
Catch my breath,
Close my eyes
Don’t believe a word.
Things she said, overheard
Something wrong inside
Hits you in a minute, Ooooo
Then you know you’re in it, aah.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like listening to pop music, and I’m still not quite into it, not like I used to be. All these summer songs carry their memories, and I’ll keep them for another year. This summer will be seen out in relative silence. For those who want a melody to see them through, take a moment to listen to this 80’s gem. May it bring back happier times, carefree moments, childhood freedom and summer days that stretched endlessly into fields bordered by goldenrod and waving grasses, where only the edges hinted at a fall to come, at an end to the sunny innocence.
I’ve been in love before
I’ve been in love before
The hardest part is
When you’re in it
I’ve been in love before
I’ve been in love before
As for me, I’ll listen just this once, as it brings me back to summer nights of catching fireflies in the little space they congregated at beneath the open window of my parents’ bedroom. A soapy perfume of Mom’s end-of-the-day bath would drift down into the dim night, mingling with the lingering freshness of the grass that Dad had cut earlier in the day.
My brother and I would make homes of empty mayonnaise jars, poking holes in the covers and sprinkling a few leaves for the bugs to feast upon, then try to capture the slow-moving fireflies, emitting their bioluminescence all-too-briefly for us to have much success. I knew I didn’t really want them trapped in our glass walls anyway. It was enough just being near their glowing magic, and in the enchanted backyard of our summer childhood.
Just one touch, just one look
A dangerous dance
One small word can make me feel
Like running away
You can’t say you’re in it, no,
Until you reach the limit
Summers were safe then, but I suppose every child thinks summers are safe, at least the lucky ones. Maybe we were just fortunate to be shielded from how unsafe some summers could be. For all the lonely terrors that would come later in life, I think if you’ve had a few safe summers when you didn’t have to worry about absolutely anything, you can make it through the more troubling times.
Because you had those moments, you had those memories, you had the emotional access and experience of feeling safe and loved and full. When you get to feel empty and alone, as we all sooner or later do, the emptiness is there because you were once filled with all that good stuff. As upsetting as that emptiness may be, and as lonely and lost as you may feel, it’s also an echo and a reminder of how full we once were.
How lucky we were to have those summers.
Maybe I’ll swim again in September.
I’ve been in love before
I’ve been in love before
The hardest part is
When you’re in it
I’ve been in love before
I’ve been in love before
August
2023
Covid-Caking Recapping
Suzie made me this glorious COVID-cake/birthday-bundt and it was delicious. I do love a good bundt. And if escaping COVID until this very moment is worthy of celebration, then let us have cake! This birthday week has been largely awful, and the less said about it the better. We have arrived at the final few days of August, and that merits celebration just so we can end it. On with the weekly recap, such as it was…
Things began with seeing and beeing.
Before too long, things got humming.
Then all too soon it was time for my birthday.
And a requisite birthday suit post.
Somehow, August remained enchanting.
Tom Ford celebrated his birthday too.
Dazzlers of the Day included Margo Martindale, Taylor Zakhar Perez, and Nicholas Galitzine.
August
2023
Happy Birthday Tom Ford
Fellow Virgo Tom Ford celebrates his birthday today, and I’m almost more excited about his than my own this year. His ‘Azure Lime’ Private Blend has become the fragrance that will embody this sad summer. A gift of Andy for our anniversary, I was originally conflicted about wearing it and aligning it with such a sorrowful time, but then I thought that it was only fitting for a fine fragrance to remind me of this moment.
As for Ford, his style and taste have always been inspirations for me – something to which we can aspire, perhaps not in wearing any of his outrageously-expensive outfits (with the exception of some underwear), but in how we live our lives – with precision and care and exactness. It’s what make us Virgos.
Regarding Ford’s wondrous Private Blends collection of fragrances, here’s a list of some of my favorites and how they perform based on previous posts:
August
2023
Butterflying
Now that our butterfly bush is in full bloom, a cavalcade of butterflies has been visiting our backyard, fluttering about from the cup plant to the butterfly weed to the Joe Pye Weed. The seven sons flower tree is on the verge of busting out in its now brilliant bloom – the latest flowers to appear in the summer season, almost after-thoughts since we’ve mentally put the garden to sleep weeks ago. At least I have.
It was an earlier wrap-up, as much a sign of emotional defeat as it was exhaustion from trying to find a regular stretch of sunny weather that wasn’t interrupted by storms of some sort. It has not been a stable or safe summer, not in the least.
Yet still the butterflies have arrived, and the hummingbirds and finches have been keeping us company as well, and on the morning this is being written, the sun is out and summer whispers that she is still here, that she never left, and that she will return again next year.
A beautiful black butterfly, dusted with a bit of blue and dotted with a few brilliant spots of white, alights on a butterfly bush bloom. It poses for only a moment, then flits away in search of more nectar in other backyards. I watch it depart like a little friendly shadow.
August
2023
Dazzler of the Day: Nicholas Galitzine
Along with his co-star Taylor Zakhar Perez in ‘Red, White and Blue’, Nicholas Galitzine forms an integral part of the combustible chemistry and acting prowess that makes a typical rom-com (with a gay spin) into something so much more. As Prince Henry, Galitzine’s stoically-tortured and ultimately transformative role grounds the film with the necessary pathos to make us invest in these characters and care about how they will navigate their lives. His charisma was in evidence in previous occasionally-princely roles in ‘Cinderella’, ‘Bottoms’ and ‘Purple Hearts’. A star clearly on the rise, he will next show up in ‘The Idea of You’. This marks his first and likely not last appearance as Dazzler of the Day.
August
2023
Starting Again
The immediate aftermath of a birthday – even the most uneventful and downplayed of birthdays – can feel strikingly quiet and still. The idea of starting another year on earth gets more daunting the older I get. Maybe I’m simply more tired after doing this for 47 years. Maybe birthdays seem less celebratory and more worrisome with each passing journey around the sun; the world has certainly not gotten any easier or more enjoyable, even if my perspective and coping has evolved and advanced. Maybe I’m slowly coming to realize that a birthday is simply another day, and that birth and death are not finite beginnings and endings, but rather a continuation of some greater arc of existence. The mind struggles with such an idea, barely able to wrap itself around the notion. That’s a sizable shift in the way I’ve viewed our place in the world, and how I’ve categorized things in my head. I want to have a better grasp on it, a more stable handle on what it all means, but I’m not there yet.
I fear I’m not even close.
And so I pause, stepping into the summer light, studying the plants and flowers and leaves in the backyard, traversing the well-worn path I usually take, trying to find some new meaning, or some old meaning I may have missed in all these days and seasons and years. Approaching half a century of life on this earth, I allow myself an indulgent moment of weakness, a little bit of rest, especially as that long-ago feeling of wanting to sink down into the earth has been hinting at a return. It’s nothing I don’t think I can handle, but I want to be careful – that’s always when the universe doles out its vicious reminder that none of us are really in command, none of us are in control.
It is at such times I try to remember to act like some long-stemmed water plant rooted at the bottom of a riverbed, my feet stuck and bound beneath smooth stones, my limbs flowing freely and undulating with the current. Letting go and floating freely, secure in my little foothold on this earth, yet allowing the flow of life to go around and through me. The waters make turn wild and icy, murky and muddy, clear and crystalline, warm and womb-like – and still I remain in place, allowing them to move over me, giving myself over to whatever the water may carry in passing.
A day passes. A week passes. A year passes. Another birthday is done, another one may come.
August
2023
Dazzler of the Day: Taylor Zakhar Perez
The first rom-com I’ve watched in the last twenty years or so was ‘Bros’ because certain people said it was worth the watch, and was reportedly the groundbreaking gay rom-com we’d all been waiting for. First of all, I’ve never been waiting for a romantic-comedy – not one of that genre of film has made it onto my top fifty movies. Second, I thought ‘Bros’ kind of sucked. My focus shifted from the lap-top to anything else in the room repeatedly, and I don’t even remember the ending. Did the boy get the boy? Was there a happily ever-after? Did it even matter?
When ‘Red, White and Royal Blue’ was announced as a film, I raised a weary eye-brow and waited for the reception. I’d read the book last summer and enjoyed it on its escapist level, but I didn’t have faith in the rom-com-on-film formula. Perhaps it was the need for something light and fluffy, or the earnest, idealistic tone the film genuinely adopts, or the engaging portrayals of its two handsome leads – and probably because of all of those items I enjoyed it immensely. In fact, it’s led to the start of a dazzling pairing of Dazzlers of the Day, beginning with Taylor Zakhar Perez, who plays the American President’s son. Perez has been wowing audiences for years, in such work as ‘The Kissing Booth’ trilogy and ‘Minx’. Primed for a turn as the next-big-thing, he earns his first Dazzler of the Day crowning here.
August
2023
Building
“Practicing mindfulness, we start to become more aware of our pain; however, we may not yet be strong enough to transform it. To have the strength to fully face and embrace our pain, it is important that we stay in touch with the many wonderful and refreshing things that are both inside us and all around us – the trees, the blue sky, the eyes of a child, the setting sun. We need to have a strong foundation in order to be strong enough to bear our suffering. When we are calm and stable, when we have cultivated enough peace and joy, then we can bear to look at our suffering. Just as a surgeon may judge a patient too weak to undergo surgery and recommend that the patient first get some rest and nourishment to build up their strength so they can survive the surgery, we need to strengthen our foundation of joy and happiness before focusing on our suffering.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
More words of wisdom in dealing with loss, and perhaps not as helpful for someone who’s new to the meditation process; I lucked out in that I’ve been building precisely this sort of foundation for the past several years – it’s difficult to imagine how I would begin such an enterprise after a major loss. Back in July, on a trip to New York that now feels worlds away, Chris and I were matter-of-factly discussing how I was preparing for Dad’s death – something that at the time I had only started to even be able to put into words. I had explained my gratitude that meditation had become a daily, and integral, part of my life, and that it formed a calmer base that allowed for more difficult moments to come and go without drastic destruction. Indicating that I hoped to use that space and time to be able to deal with the impending loss, I didn’t realize the true test was so close.
Happily, I’ve been able to continue my daily meditation practice, and in those moments I find the peace and calm that somehow still allows for acknowledgment of pain and loss while transforming it into something bearable. Whether I feel it or not, on some level I am aware that I am doing ok, and maybe a little bit better than I thought I’d be. Still, grief is a tricky thing, and it sneaks in at the most unexpected and often-inopportune moments. It can immediately mar what was otherwise a pleasant stroll at lunch, or strike in the instant that a friend is showing kindness. A simple tap at the heart suddenly has the potential to open a floodgate of tears. In that sense, things are still very raw and tender. Healing will be a long process, but at least we’ve begun.
August
2023
August Enchanting
Part of me has been wishing August away as quickly as possible.
You might too if you’d had the August I’ve had.
Part of me wishes there was more than this last week left.
For all the awfulness that this particular August has provided, there has also been beauty – a beauty and tumultuous abandon that have acted as a balm upon the bruised heart. For every ravaging storm, there was a sunny day of respite that followed, for every bit of disenchantment, a revelation of hidden magic. Summer carries its own reserve of illusory coping mechanisms. Mounted insecurely on the whims of some fluffy seed-head, it scatters its hope for the future on the crest of the wind, riding the air like some salty sea wave.
Last night, the rains moved back in, and it felt like a stormy fall night. We had a quiet dinner with Mom, and we took a moment to take in the fact that this was my first birthday without Dad. The beginning of a year of such firsts, and it felt a little daunting. We got through it together, and as we shared some birthday dessert back at Mom’s new home, it felt warm and cozy, like Dad was still protecting and guiding us.
That’s what will see us through the next year of firsts.
August
2023
A Birthday Suit Look Back
The birthday suits provided in this post are those of the naked-ass florals you see blooming and showing off below. All other male nudity will be found in the links provided throughout the following post. My naked body is not ready for its close-up, Mr. DeMille, and quite frankly I’m not in a particularly exhibitionist mood – save that for the fall when there’s a bite in the air.
On this birthday, I rose for work early, but before signing on to the computer, before brewing a cup of tea, and before opening any birthday cards, I padded quietly out to the backyard and sat beside the garden. A hummingbird had caught my eye, bouncing about the salvia, and as I approached it flitted off to the nearby dogwood tree, where it perched and looked down at me, perhaps annoyingly wondering why I had disturbed its breakfast. I sat still and silently, hoping it would return, but eventually it flew away.
After a while, a few finches alighted on the cup plant, my stillness indicating safety, my quiet indicating no overt threat. They chirped and set the bright yellow flowers swaying gently in the air. Higher overhead, a blue jay soared to the evergreens across the street, while a cardinal just barely its presence known with some rustling on the edge of the roof.
And so begins my 48th year on earth – in stillness, on a shadowless and slightly-overcast morning, attended to by birds and flowers, and feeling the grounding pull of the earth beneath me. It is its own sort of meditation, a reverence and honoring of the land to which we will all one day return. Nearby, healthy bushes of rosemary and sage are ripe and ready for the harvest – they will become part of some white bean dip, or be boiled in butter lending flavor to a lovely piece of sea bass wrapped in prosciutto, and they will become part of me – the land offering its part of sustenance, and knowing that one day I will be back as part of the land, my body rotted out or burned to ashes and given once more to the earth, ready for the minerals and broken-down components of my physical being to become just another stage of the cycle. We are all a part of this great ensemble. On with previous birthday suit posts to lift the spirits…
Last year, I staged the traditional birthday suit post with some Boston boudoir shots that served to set #47 in naked motion. Later that night, this moody post was accompanied by all the skinny-dipping glory a proper birthday provides. It was a quieter affair, as these latter-day birthdays tend to inspire.
In 2021, Lizzo provided the impetus to let my ass hang out in this birthday suit post. As many birthdays do, talk turned a bit more contemplative later on in the posting day.
The first pandemic birthday suit post hit as I hit #45, and 2020’s celebration was as shitty as to be expected in such a time. Thank God for vintage birthday suit shots reminding me that we were all young once.
A rather different birthday suit was worn in 2019, to many a reader’s delight and fury. That year we celebrated in Boston, which is, I think, the last time we were in Boston for a birthday.
For 2017 and 2018, summer breaks from blogging meant no birthday posts went up, but in looking through the archives it appeared there was this summer skinny-dipping post in honor of nightswimming, so there you go.
Turning to Chapter 41 in 2016, a 41st birthday-suited butt-boy post went something like this. (Along with some birthday suit mayhem for good measure.)
That brings us to the fabled 40th birthday of 2015, well, not so much fabled since the shit actually went down. On the eve before, a bit of Madonna’s ‘Rebel Heart’ set the scene for all the naked madness which was about to unfold. Hey, 40 calls for something magnificently awful, but I opted for a more meaningful few days in Boston with Andy. This dinner at Douzo was lovely, this secret garden was enchanting, this brunch was epic, this Judy Garland suite was grand, this trip under the sea was joyous, this booty peek was cheeky, this Tom Ford gift was fabulous, this birthday suit remains a favorite, this beauty is a reminder of the preferred state of solitude that 40 invoked, and this ending was a happy one.
The year 2014 formed the last one of my 30’s, so we did it up in high NYC style. #39 felt like a purgatorial place, and purgatory is definitely how I feel about New York sometimes, but this trip went so well I’m surprised I haven’t returned for another one – maybe in 2024, ten years from when this fun adventure went down, we’ll come back. Until then, this birthday bubble bath for posteriority.
Things were simpler a decade ago, as this birthday suit post from 2013 illustrates. It was the year we went to The Mount, Edith Warthon’s Berkshires retreat, a glorious place to spend a day of contemplation. The innermost rooms of the mind are best glimpsed from the vantage point of one’s birthday. The outermost rooms were pretty glorious too. And the flowers… all those glorious flowers.
For my 37th birthday in 2012, a magical trip to Provincetown began in fun and fine form. Boston was the jumping off point, with a dinner and a birthday menu and this shucked-up moment. Upon entering Provincetown, all the magic came flooding back. Another travesty is that we haven’t been back to this beauty since that trip. Part of the reason is that it went so swimmingly well I don’t know how we would ever match it again. A brush with the Edies alone made it indelibly memorable. We are due to return again.
2011 found me waxing nostalgic in this post, along with this memory of my childhood bestie.
All the other birthday posts from the life of this blog, 2003 until 2010, have been excised in a rare moment of wisdom and ruthless editing. You’re so very welcome.
August
2023
The Uneventful 48th Birthday: Fade to Black
When my father turned 48 years old, I had just turned three. Now that I’m turning 48, the idea of raising a three-year-old at this time in my life is both laughable and daunting, and the idea of my Dad having to do it makes me understand my childhood a little more, makes me feel a little closer to him. Fortunately, I had this realization a couple of years ago, and the closeness that resulted was something that grew between us before he left.
“Now that I’m turning 48…” the words echo, and the number feels oddly out of place. Alan Ilagan, 48… doesn’t seem possible. It’s not that I’m bothered by it – aging never really bothered me, despite the pressure that it puts on the average gay man – it’s more that I haven’t assigned myself an age in my head since I was a teenager, when every year mattered, when every number amounted to an accomplishment.
“Just get through the goddamn day…” is a line from Tom Ford’s ‘A Single Man’, as good a film as any with which to celebrate a middle-aged man’s uneventful birthday. Perhaps ‘celebrate’ is too strong a word this year, or this summer.
We’ve had to reschedule our Boston birthday plans while we recuperate fully from our bout with COVID, which will work out better anyway – I was hoping to make it there on my birthday for at least one special dinner, but rescheduling will allow for the full stretch of time I’d planned on being there. And really, at this point, after 47 of these silly things, what does the actual day matter anyway? Suzie tells me she always works on her birthday, making me feel like a spoiled brat for feeling the least bit pathetic by not making a bigger deal of the day. We’ve all gained a little perspective in the last year, though part of me yearns for the days when my biggest complaint could be missing out on a birthday dinner. Maybe the world needed to tear down my enchantments, to show me something worthy of such complaint. Still, I want to go back to simpler times. Simpler concerns.
Birthdays are opportune moments to reconnect to something more simple. Only those truly close to me would believe I strive for that – so much of the image I’ve made for myself is about being extra and over-the-top and fabulously hoity-toity… and for much of my life it’s served to protect me in its shiny, sparkling way. Razzle dazzle them, they said, and they’ll beg you for more.
Is a birthday supposed to celebrate surviving another year, or marking the moment when you can start it all over again? Does it honor the past or the future? There’s something awful about it being both.
“Sometimes awful things have their own kind of beauty.” – ‘A Single Man’
Here we are, then, at the mark of my 48th year, as unremarkable as any other August day, with less than a month to go before summer ends her empty reign. This August will always be haunted for me – and I want it to be done. If that means burying a birthday without fanfare or celebration, maybe that’s the lesson to be learned.
“Staring and staring into the mirror, it sees many faces within its face – the face of the child, the boy, the young man, the not-so-young man – all present still, preserved like fossils on superimposed layers, and, like fossils, dead. Their message to this live dying creature is: Look at us – we have died – what is there to be afraid of?
It answers them: But that happened so gradually, so easily. I’m afraid of being rushed.” ~ A Single Man’