12:13

He stands in the cold, hidden by the dark. In the early dusk near the end of the year the outside vanishes. His realm, his home, fades into obscurity, because when you have no home the outside is all that’s left. He also knows that inside is not as warm as it looks, not so inviting, and the coldness found there, in a place you are neither welcome nor wanted, is far more cruel than a life of kind strangers.

The ground crackles beneath his feet. Christmas is coming. At odds with the rest of the year, at odds with the rest of the world, it is an incongruous season that finally, after long being hinted at, is sadder and more upsetting than originally imagined.

He moves away from the house, away from the home, and realizes there is no home, not anywhere, not where there is safety. It is a freeing notion, but frightening to be so unleashed, like a floating balloon let go by the careless hand of a child. They always think you can get it back.

You always think you can get it back.

Once upon a time someone else’s balloon floated into his backyard, back when he considered it such. It was a Mylar birthday balloon, sparkling and bright, reflecting the sunlight on its impossibly shiny surface. He held it in his hands, ever-enchanted by the glittering flashiness of certain objects. It was limp, and barely floated along, caught by a trampled rusty fence, too weak to fly any further. He untangled the ribbon and carried it with him for a while. It was probably far from home, just where he would one day end up. He knew it then. He sensed it in the way things were changing, the way he was changing ~ the light gone from the house, the love gone from the eyes, and it would be that way with almost everyone. Almost. And he would be blamed for it. He knew that too.

In fact, he knew too much.

Maybe that’s what scared people. Maybe that’s what made him unlovable. Maybe it wasn’t who he became, but what he represented, and what he made them feel.

He walked around the house, circling, because he had nowhere else to go. Every home he thought he knew had been taken – they weren’t ever his from the start – and the realization stung and burned his eyes. It began to snow.

{See also 1:132:133:134:135:136:137:138:139:1310:13 & 11:13.}

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The Extra Day

A siren sounds dimly in the distance. A corner of condensation obscures the lower part of the window. A city still sleeps, frozen in time. I was scheduled to depart today, but the ice storm cancelled my flight. Now I stand looking out over the city of Dallas. An extra day is a luxury, often better shared with another, but I must make do with myself. The hotel has reserved my room for me for an extra night. I have nothing but hours to explore. I’m glad I hadn’t taken the time to peruse the many hallways of the place – it will give me something to do in the afternoon. Transportation is still sketchy, so I make no moves to go outside. It’s only in the twenties anyway. The lobby alone is too chilly unless one is lucky enough to get a spot by the fire. For now, I remain alone, in a high room, as the day begins its slow slide into night.

An arsenal of blank letters sits on the desk. A book lies on the bedside table. A description of the acclaimed steakhouse in the hotel sits on a cardboard stand. Together, they comprise the plan for the day, and an early evening. If I’m to brave the perilous ice-ridden trek to the airport the next day, and a possibly chaotic scene upon arrival, I’ll need an early night. But again, this is all in the future. I want to stop for a moment, to slow down and commemorate this extra day. I am so often alone, by choice, but this time it feels different. It feels, and I don’t often feel this, lonely.

I pace in front of the window, like some caged creature still hoping for a way out. I twist one hand in the other, taking deep breaths, walking and walking and going nowhere. Hurriedly, I gather my book, a pad of paper, some letters, and a pen, then quickly exit that suddenly-suffocating room. I need to be where other people have been. My time in Dallas has come to a close.

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Dallas on Ice

The ice storm arrives that night. Against my hotel window, little pellets of ice perform the lightest percussive touches, a late-night soundtrack to lull one off to sleep. Before that though – and before it gets too slick – a dinner at Oak. Sparsely-populated and quiet (the way I like a restaurant to be), I sit at the bar and watch the world go around.

Couples sit at tufted booths, staring into each other’s eyes. Businessmen sit across from each other alternately serious and jovial. The wait-staff outnumbers the diners on this dismal night, but those who have made the trek seem happy to be here.

The food does not disappoint either – and in the land where the deer and the antelope roam, I accept the recommendation for the latter. It arrives on a bone, tender and not the least bit gamey. It is a cozy dish for a frightening night, and after digesting it I just make it back to the hotel intact. It will need to sustain, for the next morning it proves impossible to go anywhere. An inch or two of solid ice has crippled the entire city. Everything from schools and churches to the zoo is closed beneath the thick sheet of frozen water. Somehow, though, wrapped in the sheets and blankets of a large bed, I do not mind it in the least. High above the city, I look over an icy world, safely warm and embraced by the sweet folds of sleep, gently cradled in a lazy morning of having nothing to do and nowhere to go, and a breakfast tray arriving at any moment.

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A Grassy Knoll, A Haunting Museum

Dealey Plaza, the site of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States. If there was one place in Dallas that I wanted to see, other than Neiman Marcus, it was this. The warehouse from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot the President has been turned into The Sixth Floor Museum – a disturbing and somewhat morbid commemoration of the events that took the life of a young President.

My mother was fascinated by the Kennedys, and I was raised with an active interest in the history and story of JFK’s assassination. She had books on the subject, and even a bust of the President that should still be somewhere in their attic. Each November 22 we would go over the sad events, and as I walked through the museum it brought back a childhood of learning, and a fascination of what could never be fully explained.

The museum does an excellent job of presenting the historical background of the time period, and then an excruciating follow-through of the shooting and the various theories and evidence behind it. Questions still linger, doubts remain, and in the end all I was left with was a feeling of profound sadness for what can never be understood – the senseless end of a promising life. I think it was the image of Mrs. Kennedy in her pink suit, climbing over the back of the car, helpless and alone, that struck me the most.

Then there were the boxes ~ the storage boxes that Oswald hid behind while staking out his striking point from the 6th floor window. They stood, piled high, disguising the small space of a murderer – and it was such a small space, such a small life, that still somehow managed to snuff out such a large one.

Afterward, in the cold, I walked across the street and took these photos of Dealey Plaza. Sometimes nothing makes sense. Sometimes all is forlorn.

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A Hotel Lobby, Before the Fire

If you ask me where I’m most comfortable, chances are my answer will be at a hotel bar. If it doubles as the lobby, so much the better. The Joule in downtown Dallas has such a set-up, and while it was too early for a cocktail, I sat in close enough proximity to the bartender to have him smile and ask what I wanted. After a polite declination, I took out a book and read a little, raising my eyes to watch a few people check-in, and hotel employees welcome them to Dallas. Families and couples met in the lobby to start their day. Luggage and bags were taken by porters and whisked upwards once the elevator doors closed. Large bouquets of white peonies accented by white twigs made an incongruously spring-like winter wonderland, while a large industrial gear spun slowly in the center of the room.

Biding time until lunch, I unwrapped my scarves. The bartender polished some glasses as a few seats began to fill. This was the in-between time ~ the moment before and after some clearly demarcated event ~ whether that be lunch or a meeting or dinner or a play. Life is about the in-between times. We think it’s the opposite, but it’s not.

My in-between time was almost over, as my stomach called, and the cold demanded a bowl of pho. That night, an electrical fire would rage in front of the Joule, forcing the hotel to be evacuated. But I escaped before then, bundling back up before crossing the street to a Vietnamese restaurant.

The cold had deepened, and the brief walk sucked all the warmth out of me in minutes. The ice storm was in the air ~ gray and foreboding ~ and the damp chill drained any holiday cheer. Yet salvation was on the way, in a bowl of hot pho ~ a bowl of sustenance, a bowl of love, a bowl to warm from the inside out. It was the only way to get warm.

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A Frigid Pilgrimage to Neiman Marcus

Thursday opened with a shudder. A 25 degree shudder. If I’d wanted temperatures like that, I’d never have left upstate New York. But I came prepared with a winter coat, and a pair of scarves I wrapped tightly around my neck as I ventured forth to the main destination: the Neiman Marcus flagship store located a few long blocks from my hotel. It was the original location, the place where it all began. While small by today’s gargantuan standards, it retained the charm and luxury of long ago, with its golden escalators and charming exterior.

Fighting a brutal wind, I arrived just as it opened, taking in the splendor of its Christmas decorations, walking slowly down a red carpet soft to the footfalls and bright to the eyes. A large glass tree stood in the front window, illuminated by an ever-changing double-row of LED lights, changing through every shade of the spectrum. A small café was just opening up as I rode the first escalator to the second floor, and then again to the men’s floor, where a small cologne stand stood before me. I held off, containing my Tom Ford-inspired excitement, perusing the rest of the floor and picking up some gifts for Andy. I took my time, for once luxuriating in the act of shopping, not focused and intent as is my usual stance. This was a moment to savor and enjoy. I listened to some local weather talk by some of the sales staff, then inquired as to a good lunch spot in the area. I asked specifically about a Vietnamese place I’d passed on the way that was featuring pho. Two gentlemen highly recommended it, so I thanked them and moved on to the cologne counter.

It was smaller than expected, and I only saw two of Mr. Ford’s mainstream bottles, and one Private Blend. Upon further inquiry, it turns out that the downtown location didn’t get all the Private Blends, and the two sales women hadn’t even heard of the new Oud Wood additions. They said it was probably the other NM location that had the line. No matter, I was not in the mood, or financial condition, to buy any more – I really just wanted to try them on.

As it was still a little early for lunch, I took the escalator back to the second floor, where I marveled over a rack of Oscar de la Renta dresses, and other holiday garb. Sparkling crystals, shimmering satin, and tons of tulle comprised fashion that doubled as art. In my next life, I shall be a designer, and I shall be fabulous at it.

Back on the first floor, I sat on a bench for a few minutes, taking in the scene at hand. The café had opened, and a few shoppers sat at tall tables for two, sipping their coffee drinks. A jewelry designer was hosting a trunk sale. Sales associates walked briskly by, but always with a smile and a Hello. Christmas lights twinkled in the distance, and my time at Neiman Marcus had come to a happy close. I picked up my shopping bag and braved the wind again, shuffling next door to the lobby of the Joule Hotel, to spend a little more time before the lunch hour…

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First Musings on Dallas

Everyone assumed I would hate Dallas. Apparently some Texans don’t take kindly to my kind. Yet I had a grand time – even in the midst of an ice storm that rendered the city completely shut-down. Originally, I planned the trip to coincide with the start of the kitchen renovation, but that was postponed, so I sort of went for nothing – ahh, sweet tragic irony of life. In truth, I’ve always wanted to visit Dallas, and I figured this would be a good time to head to a warmer clime. Another cosmic joke on me after the first day, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

On Wednesday, I arrived to blue skies and 75 degree sunny weather. It felt like heaven after the brutality of upstate New York. After traversing what seemed an endless expanse of rather tiresome and depressing highways and chains (hello Waffle House and Olive Garden, and a questionable billboard for a sexy lady lawyer named Coffey – “If you drink and drive at night, have Coffey in the morning”) the shuttle dropped me on the edge of downtown Dallas, which afforded a great view of the city skyline.

An impromptu dinner at Mesa Veracruz delivered some excellent guacamole and a sinfully scrumptious lobster enchilada. Coupled with a friendly waiter and a salt-rimmed margarita, it was an enchanting evening. Outside though, the temperature was dropping – quickly. Back in the hotel, a hot shower provided a coda to a relatively good travel day. The last good travel day, for a while…

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Carey On With Christmas

Forget ‘Vision of Love’. Forget ‘One Sweet Day’. Forget ‘Hero’. Mariah Carey’s greatest contribution to pop culture was, and remains, ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’. It’s damn near impossible to write a modern-day Christmas song that will last the test of time, but this looks like it might be a plausible contender. Since it first came out in the 90’s, it’s been a seasonal staple, and with all the cover versions piling up, it seems in no danger of fading away. Plus, it’s catchy as hell and makes everyone feel a little bit better, no matter how Grinchy some of us want to be.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.

From the opening bells and the bombast of the initial build-up, to the bouncing bass and timeless pop melody, it’s about as near to perfect as a Christmas song gets. Coupled with the romantic yearning that informs more holiday music than you realize, it’s one of those cozy and sweetly earnest songs, the kind that tugs at heartstrings and hope, leaving a giddy taste of love ~ a love made all the warmer during the holiday season.

All the lights are shining so brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing, I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me?

This song was the starting salvo of the Structure holiday music tape – something that played perpetually in all the long hours of holiday retail work I did in the 90’s. But as annoying as the “You mean you forgot cranberries too?” bullshit holiday songs could get, this one never got old. Even at the end of a long day of dealing with irate customers and even more irate managers, I felt reinvigorated when it started up again. It spoke to a lifelong search for the one – that person I wanted so badly – the only one I wanted beneath the mistletoe. Even if I didn’t know who that was then, I knew the longing, and I knew the want.

I just want to see my baby, standing right outside my door
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you.

 

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Not Too Sweet

A decadent indulgence.

A bittersweet meeting.

A savory melding.

The marking of a moment, the end of a day, the memory of a loved one ~ and each made slightly sweeter with a treat. Sometimes even the strongest among us need a little chocolate to get through the darker seasons.

This box of Poco Dolce’s Bittersweet Chocolate Tiles is the perfect way to self-splurge, and to honor the little joys in life. They’re there for the taking if we just learn to open our hands.

Tonight I feast on a few before dinner (yes, before) ~ the subtle blossoms of grey sea salt, the only-slightly-savory sesame toffee, and the balance of bittersweet chocolate combine to create an altogether different entity. When two become one, wondrous things can happen.

The whole world opens up.

Everything is new again.

Love is on the tip of my tongue.

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Empty as a Drum

Enveloped by ice, and stranded at a grand hotel, I haunt empty hallways with an extra day in Dallas, somewhere in the middle of a sprawling country. In a dim corner, I sit and write letters as dusk approaches. Now and then one of the hotel staff ambles idly by with a nod or a polite Hello. Over the speakers, this song comes on:

When I saw the break of day

I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever

While happiness will always be a hotel for me, there’s a bit of melancholy that seeps into such a transient world. As I sat alone on a couch, looking out onto the gray world, I thought of the people who traveled through the space. Some were stuck an extra day, like me, biding time until the way back home was clear. Some were at the height of their weekend getaways, giddily coasting on the freedom that vacation affords. Some were merely working, trudging through their work day while mustering the courtesy to say Hello to a lonely guy writing letters above the lobby.

 

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I’ll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone
My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever

So far from home, so far from my heart, yet somehow so safe in my solitude. How strange the way time alone can change things, and heal things. Sometimes we all need that.

 

Something has to make you run
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I feel as empty as a drum

And sometimes we need a little bit more.

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Madcap Monday Recap

My adventures in Dallas will be touched upon in a later post. I’m writing this on a plane I barely boarded on time (after running – nay, sprinting – through the Atlanta airport, which is no tiny airport). After my asthma attack I settled in for a ride home I never thought I’d make. So I’m going to quickly recap the previous light week of posts, and then delve into how I survived a Dallas ice storm and the temptations of the original Neiman Marcus store.

First up was the tremendous news (at least for these parts) that Tom Daley was dating a man. I say good for him. God knows I’ve done my share of dating men – why should he be denied?

Next was my annual Holiday Stroll with Kira, Part 1 and Part 2. Tis the season.

The Hunks for holiday season were Josh Hutcherson, Jesse Metcalfe, Adam Levine, Joel Edgerton, Stuart Reardon, and these sexy Santas.

Speaking of holidays, check out the storefront of Tiffany’s at Copley Place.

Finally, even more naked male celebrities.

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The Gratuitous Nude Shots of Stuart Reardon

The aptly-monikered Stuart Reardon rears his sumptuously nude butt in his 2014 calendar (from which not all of these photos were culled). Shot by the amazing Rick Day the calendar certainly plays up Mr. Reardon’s best assets. He’s been naked here before (on Louis Vuitton no less) but there is always room for more nude male athletes/models. While I haven’t been the most fervent admirer of body ink, there are several notable exceptions and Reardon falls into that rarified group. Now if we can only get Ben Cohen to follow suit and remove his.

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Dallas, Delayed

My surprise trip to Dallas, TX has been involuntarily extended thanks to a debilitating ice storm that shut this Southern city down. As such, posts may be erratic, insane, offensive, and downright loony until I can get my bearings (and back to civilization). That, however, may make for some interesting reading/ranting, so stay tuned. If I end up on an airport cot, well… There will be stories to tell.

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Are We All Lit?

Approaching the shortest day of the year, it sometimes feels like the darkness is all-encompassing. Even at the height of noon, the sun often has trouble penetrating the cloud cover. At those times, the lights of Christmas are the saving grace of the season. At night, they lend a magic to the land, twinkling with charm as they wink at passers-by.

As a kid, one of my favorite things to do was ride around looking at all the holiday lights. I memorized many of them – the wreath at the bottom of Northhampton with the big traditional Christmas bulbs in it, unchanging from year to year. The impressive stand of twinkling stars at a local Congressman’s house. The simple homestead, cloaked all in red spotlights, glowing at the top of Coolidge Road. These were my memory markers, the totems of Christmas as it crept in through the darkest of nights. They were beacons of color, mileposts of wonder, respites of warmth no matter how cold the world grew.

Our own lights changed from year to year, depending on what inspired me, or what I felt like putting up. Somehow, as it always ended up doing, charge of decorating fell to me. At first I insisted upon it, then it became expected. With Andy, it was always up to me. This year, I’m taking a break from it all. It’s time for someone else to light the way.

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Sexy Shirtless Santas

Everyone loves a sexy Santa, especially when the red fur reveals a finely-honed torso, as in the case of these holiday hunks. The first to make most of us turn all Ho-Ho-Ho is Olympic diver Tom Daley. You may be more accustomed to him in far less (the Speedo being his usual uniform), but he cuts a fine Santa figure too.

Stuart Pilkington is another across-the-pond celebration of Santa, and he does it with guy-liner to boot. I guess it makes sense – Santa surely has some kohl/coal for those who have been naughty.

Ryan Phillippe may seem like a strange bird to don a bowl-ful of jelly, but for his Studio 54 movie he did just that for a cheesy photo shoot. (And there’s nothing I like better than a cheesy photo shoot.)

Here’s a sexy Santa who takes his shirt off AND sings, Mr. Darren Criss. He brings a gleeful lilt to the holiday proceedings.

Finally, Austin Drage offers his take on a far racier Santa – and he does it completely starkers.

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