­
­
­
21
January
2023
Tags: Madonna
No comments

A Madonna Celebration Four Decades in the Making

When Madonna canceled her Boston dates on her last tour, I was crestfallen, but not heartbroken. I’d seen her multiple times prior to that, so it wasn’t the end of the world. It did, however, mark the start of a litany of canceled shows that followed in the arrival of the COVID pandemic, and left a foul taste in the mouth, even as my bank account got replenished in unexpected refunds. 

Now Madonna has announced a new tour – The Celebration Tour – billed as a greatest hits concert culled from the past forty years of her history-making/shaking career. At first I balked at the price of tickets, then I balked at the emotional investment in the event that things get canceled or called off, and finally I balked at my hesitation: this is Madonna. Singing her hits. For what might be the very last time. 

When my friend LeeMichael (no stranger to momentous theatrical events) told me he got tickets in the pre-sale and would be happy to go with me, I talked it over with Andy and accepted (Andy being thrilled not to deal with the stressful ticket-procurement process or the attached price tag). So come August I will hopefully be attending Madonna’s Celebration Tour. In anticipation of that, and in the spirit of such things, here is my dream set-list, as every proper fan is currently formulating one in their head. It’s a little ambitious, but Madonna on tour is Madonna at her most ambitious. (And do click on the links for the Madonna Timeline entries that have been written so far.)

 

Continue reading ...
20
January
2023
Tags: Dazzler of the Day, Music
No comments

Dazzler of the Day: Casey Stratton

It was 19 years ago today that Casey Stratton released one of those albums that changed my life in the way that it conveyed exactly what I was thinking and feeling, even before I understood it all myself, in his pivotal work ‘Standing At The Edge’. Since then, I’ve been a fan of his music (he’s recorded 29 albums so far), and the way it has been his constant companion over the past two decades. In honor of this special anniversary, Stratton is crowned as Dazzler of the Day – for all the art he continues to create, and all the souls he has already touched through his work. Check out his website here for more music and beauty. 

Continue reading ...
20
January
2023
Tags: Music
No comments

A Smoke-Addled Boulevard of Broken Dreams

It was a brutal winter’s night. Fragile but brutal. There was ice dangling in the air, too cold to drip. Smoke curling from the only glow in that darkness – the lit end of a cigarette, because we were smoking the hurt away. We dismissed our concerns with a flick of fingers and a sentiment cribbed from ‘Cabaret’: divine decadence. The wave goodbye, over the shoulders, was even less than the efforts that the wisp of a silk scarf made. We were young then, careless with our hearts, and, so much worse, careless with the hearts of others. We did it to make it through the winter. If there was warmth to be found in that decadence – in the burn of a cocktail, in the embers of a cigarette, in the arms of a stranger – I don’t think I found it. The traces of it, the echoes of it, the hints and peeks and dusty remnants of it – they never added up to anything more than a want or a wish, and as much as I wanted them to come together in something of substance, they disappeared like the smoke from my mouth, all too quickly melting into whatever formed the black night air of that winter. 

Who better than Marianne Faithfull to give voice and music to such a night? Who better to give voice to such a winter?

In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, I would visit my friends at Cornell. Suzie was a fellow cynic when it came to love, perhaps even more acerbic at times than me. My broken heart’s club wasn’t assembled because the men fucked us over – it’s because the men never fucked us at all. Not the kind of fucking that was on my wish list. I wanted it all – and the men I knew then could only provide bits and pieces of it. 

And so that winter was populated by the boozy, smoky nights where we found solace in approximating the divine decadence of someone like Sally Bowles – a creature as lost as we often felt, encased in her tattered fashion and solitary style. I listened to Marianne Faithfull, whose voice was the embodiment of smoke itself, and the desperation of winter.

Fall burned in a way that winter never would. 

Continue reading ...
20
January
2023
Tags: Boston, Family
No comments

Make-Up Weekend in Boston ~ 2

My favorite museum in the whole world (sorry, State Hermitage) is easy the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, famed as much for its founding lady as it now is for its infamous theft. Both proved of interest to the twins, so I spent the few days prior to our visit preparing them with the story of that heist, in the hopes that some of the beauty, art, and story of Gardner herself would come along with it. 

I still remember my first time at the museum. It was on a bitterly cold day in winter, and it would have been just a few short years after the crime. As her will decreed that nothing in the museum should be changed or moved, the empty frames remained empty – ghostly reminders of the robbery and the questionable avarice of human beings. I remember being more struck by them than my much of the painting that remained – a sad comment on humanity all around. 

Emi and Noah took it all in – Noah had researched where the rooms with the missing paintings were located, and we went through each with meticulous and careful examination; Noah took photos along the way, including the above one of Emi and myself by the courtyard. 

This remains my favorite place in the museum, no matter how obvious it might be. There is such a sense of peace and tranquility that steals over anyone caught in its spell – it is utterly transporting, especially on a January day in Boston that would sputter a mix of rain and snow for its entire duration, compelling us indoors and draining the joy of a walk in the city. The twins asked if we could visit the neighboring Museum of Fine Arts on some future visit and I said we absolutely could. 

After a lunch at Eataly and some shopping along Newbury, we found a respite in the early but already dim afternoon within the marble brilliance of the Fairmont Copley Plaza. During out pause there we discussed the day so far, along with plans for the remainder of the evening, which would find us seeking out a bowl of pho at a sub-par place that was disappointing for a first pho, so I promised to bring them to a more worthy spot before the winter ends. 

Back at the condo for the evening, we decided against a movie, and I taught them the game of chess, which they both picked up much more quickly than I remember picking it up. While my friend Billy first taught me how to play, it was my Uncle Roberto who honed my skills and made me into a fierce contender. It felt only right to carry on that tradition in the role of Uncle I now occupy, and I was happy to see their skills improve before my eyes as they held their own against my own arsenal of experience. They will make formidable chess foes in the very near future. 

All in all, it was a fun and surprisingly educational experience, and I realized that I may connect best to the pre-teen/early-teen age demographic, perhaps because that’s where my head still resides. They went to bed beneath a  rainbow of taffeta curtains I had just taken down from the holiday decorations, because that’s how Uncle Al rolls. 

The next morning we decided on brunch at Boston Chops, then made our reluctant return home. All winter weekends should be so lovely.

Continue reading ...
19
January
2023
Tags: Boston, Family
No comments

Make-Up Weekend in Boston ~ 1

By the time we arrived in Boston on a Friday evening in January, it was already dark. Our playlists had all been played, and there was one last visitor’s spot left for parking on our street – a happy sign that we were right where we were meant to be. We grabbed our bags and hoofed it to the condo, where I adjusted the thermostat to something cozy, and we settled in to the warmth and the light of the space. 

This was our make-up weekend for having missed out on this holiday gathering, and as I switched on some Christmas lights and lit a few cinnamon-scented candles, I vowed to make this our official last holiday act of the year. The twins set about to opening their gift bags, which had a moviwe for later, and some silly treats for then. I sat down and took a deep breath, then looked for some dinner options. 

As with most decisions these days, dinner was a negotiation between the twins – with strict parameters and compromises, lines of demarcation and concessions, and the sort of trade-offs one would usually expect from countries who had been at war for centuries. I just wanted some warm food, and as soon as possible. They finally settled on the South End Buttery, to which we hustled in hurried and hungry form. The cozy little corner restaurant welcomed us in from the cold, and we soon enjoyed a dinner and went over the plans for the following day.

On the way home, and in search of a sweet treat, we took a detour to the Newbury Hotel, site of a glorious hot fudge brownie sundae the last few times I’d been in town, so I brought them there for our sugary night cap. The sundae was on the menu, so we each ordered one. It would be a weekend of splurging and indulgence, and it had only begun… 

Continue reading ...
19
January
2023
Tags: General
No comments

Winter’s Magical Light

The light at this time of the year isn’t always magical or wondrous. Mostly it is gray and dull and muted – the sky mirroring the salty, sanded streets, and the blush off the rose of snow. Some days, though, it reveals a golden glow that only shows itself just before the sun goes down, on the needles of evergreens, and the bare branches of distant oaks and maples. It is a reminder that there is still life going on during these long and arduous weeks of winter.

Here is where I find the way through the rest of January – in the glimpses of sunlight that grow a little longer with each passing day. We move a little closer to spring – sometimes I can sense it in the air of a minor thaw, or the disappearance of holiday items from the stores. Soon, there will be a box of Cadbury creme eggs heralding the impending drama of Easter. Rather than going stir-crazy, I will embrace the slow roll, and do my best to find the beauty in every day, no matter how gray. 

Mercury has moved out of retrograde motion, perhaps allowing a bit of peace and quiet after its torturous tumult of the past few weeks. The time has come for winter calm – and winter light.

Continue reading ...
18
January
2023
Tags: Dazzler of the Day, Family
No comments

Dazzler of the Day: My Mom

This is probably my favorite Dazzler of the Day since my Dad was featured and my husband Andy was crowned a couple of years ago. This is my Mom, Laurie, who gets named as Dazzler for being, well, my Mom. While we extolled her more meaningful virtues in this earlier post, this one is all about her sense of style. Any talent I may have at putting together an outfit was created, cultivated and honed by my mother. She would set out a selection of three outfits for me to chose for school the next day, subtly teaching me how to put a wardrobe together – what matched and didn’t, what worked well together, and what sort of things would be best for accessories. My springboard into fashion was launched by regular perusing of her jewelry drawer, her scarf drawer, and the rows of shoes found in her closets. I would marvel at the way she could go from beleaguered housewife-in-a-flannel-nightgown and slippers to a Sunday stunner at church in the matter of an hour or so. “My mother taught me to be admired” as a wise woman once said, and that has proven true in more ways than I can mention. Today, on her birthday, we celebrate my Mom’s style – elegant and classic and timeless – and always dazzling. 

Continue reading ...
18
January
2023
Tags: Family
No comments

Lola’s Birthday

Like many families, ours has decidedly been structured around a matriarchal tradition: my mother has been the central figure who has largely held our family together throughout my entire life. From my first moments of mental recognition, I saw that our mother was the person who really ran things in our home. Dad may have gone out to work every day and doled out discipline when we got out of hand, but I saw and understood that the real person in charge was Mom. As such, I never doubted or had any society-skewed view of gender roles in our home. I viewed my parents largely as equals, and if anything the strength and power and charge of our family resided in Mom. If I have any decent recognition of the equality among genders, it’s due to my Mom’s example. 

She taught me and my brother many things over the years, molding us into the people we would become, teaching us a certain grace and unassuming humility, mostly because we never saw her engage in ugliness or confrontations or judgment. She took the best of her Catholic faith and lived it rather than preaching or talking about it. Her work as a nurse and later a professor of nursing showed me how we could help others – not by shouting about it or heralding her own efforts, but simply by doing. 

It’s a tradition that continues to this day, as she takes care of my father in his advancing age and medical condition, as well as her three grandchildren, to whom she is affectionately known as ‘Lola’. Her two sons are also still largely dependent on her for guidance and strength, as we find our own way as adults. This is her birthday, and while she deserves this sort of recognition every day, I’m putting it into print here to honor her in the only way that I can. 

Happy birthday, Mom – we love you!

Continue reading ...
17
January
2023
Tags: General
No comments

Tracing the Lines of Time

Twenty years ago, this website was having its soft-opening, which means that this March will mark the official 20th anniversary of ALANILAGAN.com. For a personal website, that’s a long-ass run – hell, for any kind of website that’s a long-ass run, and while I may seem to celebrate myself here on the daily, this one is worthy of note. To that end, I’ll be working on some 20th anniversary celebrations leading up and into March. 

A lot happens in 20 years. Look at my hair here – not a wisp of gray on the horizon. Not a wrinkle or laugh line or furrowed brow. And not a clue about that ridiculous goatee. The glory and ignorance of youth! I wouldn’t trade or alter any of it, nor would I want to go through it all again. 

My niece asked me that the other day – whether I’d go back and change anything. I answered that for the most part, no, as that might change any number of possible outcomes that led me to where I am today. Most people would give that stock answer, and while allowing for some caveats, it’s mostly true for me as well. The one thing I did add was that I don’t think I’d want to go through it all again. Not because I didn’t have moments of elation and enjoyment, but because at this particular moment I feel the weight and the work and the drudgery of those years, as much as I feel the accomplishments and happiness that have come along with it. She may have caught me at a moment of weakness and exhaustion. 

For now, I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, determined to carry on with this website in its 20th year, determined to keep it as a diary and repository of creative work, determined to move forward and find a way closer to truth and beauty – and determined to make it through another winter. Do join me – it’s so much friendlier with two. 

Continue reading ...
17
January
2023
Tags: Dazzler of the Day
No comments

Dazzler of the Day: Paul Mescal

He just joined Richard Linklater’s 20-year production of ‘Merrily We Roll Along’, and with that added bit of sparkle, Paul Mescal earns his first crowning as Dazzler of the Day. Having compiled an impressive roster of stage performances in his native Ireland, Mescal has been garnering critical praise for his dramatic work in films such as ‘The Lost Daughter’, ”Aftersun’ and ‘God’s Creatures’. And so he rolls merrily along… 

Continue reading ...
17
January
2023
Tags: Flowers
No comments

Hope Is A Growing Bump of Green

Whenever I see someone purchasing an orchid in full bloom from the market I wonder at what will become of it. I know most people will use them as an extended bouquet of flowers, and once they’ve finished their show they will be discarded, or perhaps stuffed into some corner for a long and slow demise. I don’t have the heart to do that, so I usually don’t bother with bringing one into our home.

About a year ago, however, we had guests visiting for a weekend, and I needed something for the bathroom. There weren’t any great cut-flower selections, but there was a smaller-statured orchid in glorious full bloom. At a reasonable price for its small size, I chose that and let it entertain the guests for their stay. After the blooms faded, I moved it to the front window of the living room, where it would get the most light. (Most people make the mistake of not giving their orchids enough light after their blooming cycle is done – that’s if they care enough to even try to take proper care of them.) It remained there, and as the winter continued, I added a little fertilizer and additional humidity so it might be happy. 

One of its bare stalks began swelling, and soon a little sport appeared, sending out a wavy nest of roots. I let it stay there until it grew a bit bigger. The months passed, and after it seemed to be acclimated to its window perch, I repotted it into a new pot and some bark, continuing with the fertilizing and increased humidity. 

A few weeks ago, I noticed three little bumps appearing on the main stem of the plant, and I assumed they were roots embracing their humid surroundings. I watched as they swelled a bit, daring to hope that they might be more than roots, and as they grew longer and developed into something more, I realized they were indeed flower buds. 

I’m not getting too invested just yet, as I’ve seen buds drop off with a wayward draft or changed watering schedule and I just don’t think my heart could handle seeing that happen, so I’ll contain my excitement to a reasonable level, while still embracing a little bit of hope. 

As for what variety or orchid this is, I cannot say. It was not marked with a name and so it remains a mystery until some plant expert can give a positive ID. Until then, it is a spark of green life and gratitude in the middle of a bleak winter.

Continue reading ...
16
January
2023
Tags: Dazzler of the Day, Sports
No comments

Dazzler of the Day: Maya Moore

Maya Moor just announced her official retirement from the WNBA, crowning a career of achievements that garnered her the Arthur Ashe award at the 2021 ESPYs and the following:

  •  2011 Rookie of the Year
  •  4x WNBA Champion
  •  2013 WNBA Finals MVP
  •  6x WNBA All-Star
  •  3x WNBA All-Star Game MVP

Today she earns her first Dazzler of the Day honor, just as her book “Love and Justice: A Story of Triumph on Two Different Courts” is available for purchase. Check out her website and her work for criminal justice reform here. 

Continue reading ...
16
January
2023
Tags: General
No comments

A Mid-January Recap

Arriving at the midway point of January, we have made the first noticeable chunk of progress through winter. I spent this past weekend in Boston with the twins, and will get into our adventures later this week. For now, a look back at what came before (and a sneak peek of the twins at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum)…

Shriveled balls, because it’s winter.

Minty-fresh balls.

A gratuitous foot fetish post.

Winter precious.

Vital floral respite.

C’est mon plaisir.

Greenery out, greenery in.

The lashes of Jaxon Layne.

Return to paradise.

A morning of intention.

I’ve been A.I. since I was born, and this AI Portrait filter is absolutely ludicrous.

Dazzlers of the Day included Cheryl L. Johnson, Nathan Lee Graham, and Jeremy Pope.

Continue reading ...
15
January
2023
Tags: General
No comments

I’ve been A.I. since I was Born

The ‘AI Portrait’ filter is all the rage on various social media sites, and while I typically abhor a filter, this one has proven especially ridiculous in all the ways it distorts and translates a photo into a completely different image. It sent me down a rabbit hole of possibilities – is this how the world views us? Is this more in line with how we appear to others than how we appear in the mirror? Is this how I should have been wearing my hair when it wasn’t so gray? Lots of questions, lots of musings… and speaking of musing, my new musical muse Mia just sent over a few songs of inspiration, including this one entitled ‘One More Hour’ which posits themes of time and love and all the good stuff that goes along with a properly-examined life. 

Just a moment, right before all the song and danceWasn’t brave enough to tell youBut there ain’t gonna be another chanceIt’s not long until all that I have and everything’s stillThe minutes are racin’
Whatever I’ve done, I did it for loveI did it for fun – couldn’t get enoughI did it for fame but never for moneyNot for houses, Not for herNot for my future children

The music is a challenge – as much as the images are – as much as any piece of art can be. The ideas of time and love, and hurt and pain, and how many times we get up and do it all over again – it all mashes together as the cacophony of this song winds its way along a wavy trajectory. 

How could I love again?How could I ever ask for more?And to the road aheadInto a life I can’t ignore, how could I love again?(Move on) how can I walk this path for sure?(Lose her) with no more time to spend(Move on) I know the answer more and more
As long as I can, Long as I canSpend some time aloneAs long as I can, Long as I canBe the man I am

The funk of the past few months is something I have acknowledged. A little rut, a sunken stretch when the distance of friends suddenly aligned, as if someone simply switched off my light and no one saw me anymore. I didn’t fight it, didn’t rage against the quiet onslaught of being left to my own devices, with just Andy by my side. Part of me actively encouraged it, reveling in this alone time, daring to hint at the sort of friendship drama not seen since ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ (without all the bloody appendages). 

Oh, life is strangeFor one more hour, I can rageFor one more hour
As long as I can (lose her)As long as I can (move on)Spend some time aloneAs long as I can (lose her)As long as I can (move on)Remember who I am
And then the dangers of losing oneself in the solitude showed themselves – in the way I would start talking to strangers, as much to repel them as to engage. The interior battle of deciding whether to find fault with the wayward cashier at Target, who seemed like she might be giving me sass, but whose sass reminded me of my own teenage rampage. The decision to not challenge the woman vacuuming the hallway on my way out of the office, who was upset I used the door closest to her and snarled that there was another door I could have used, like she owned the place. My confused smile because I didn’t quite get what she was saying at first seemed to disarm her a bit, but then her scowl returned in more cutting form. The next day, I saw her again, and I watched as another person went out the door I had gone out, right near her, and she paused again, looking up and giving the person the dirtiest look I’ve seen outside of my own mirror. They didn’t even notice. I went out the door furthest from her, grateful that my work day was done, and grateful that I hadn’t been a dick about her the day before, because her work day was just beginning. 
As long as I can (lose her)As long as I can (move on)Spend some time aloneAs long as I canAs long as I can (how could I love again?)Be the man I am

At the end of the day, setting the alarm on my phone for three separate times, ten minutes apart, I curl up in bed, a pillow between my knees to bring sleep as soon as possible. My mother once told me that was a trick the hospitals used for overnight patients who couldn’t get to sleep. When the days are filled with quiet rumination, it sometimes makes for nights that begin in sleepless fashion. I stare at these silly AI creations and lose myself in characters I never was but perhaps wanted to be, in days that I thought I spent well, even if they were mostly filled with the wasteful abandon of youth. I listen to this song, suggested by the daughter of two good friends, and I think of how she is just beginning her journey,  on the verge of entering those years where we become who we are going to become. Those years, and that person I was, feel as intimate and foreign to me as these photos. It’s like seeing myself in a strange new light, as when someone captures an angle of you in a photo that you didn’t realize was being taken, and you see what others see for the first time, and it’s jarring and disturbing and wondrous – it shifts perspective, it alters the interior image. 

Just a minute, fella, right before you go out thereAll your voices said you wouldn’t last a minute bareOne more hour and you’ll know your life is one to shareJust a minute, baby, right before we go from hereAll those people said we wouldn’t last a minute nearI’m with you and I could roll into another year

Continue reading ...
15
January
2023
Tags: Mindfulness
No comments

A Morning of Intention

Beginning the day with a meditation has often been an effective method of dealing with periods such as when Mercury is in retrograde or a full moon is on the horizon. It works on all the other days as well, probably even more-so, in that it sets a tone and intention for a day filled with calm and serenity, lending a flexibility to what has been the bane of many a Virgo: our rigid need for structure and control and order. I find that if I start from a place of peace and calm, it’s much easier to deal with the hiccups and setbacks of every given day. 

So it was on a recent Friday morning that I found myself on a badly-needed day off from work, sitting lotus-style in my usual meditation spot, gently gazing around me and settling on the Norfolk Island Pine in our living room. 

Beginning the meditation by slowing my breathing, inhaling deeply in, then slowly letting it out, I allowed the eyes to close, clearing my mind by acknowledging the rush of thoughts that occupied this average morning. The human brain is startling in all that it accomplishes in a single moment of time – the decisions and connections and routes it takes for a thought to form and flood into consciousness are myriad and complex – and we don’t even think about it. That’s the secret to finding a balanced sense of mindfulness – knowing when to think, and when to simply exist. I’m not quite there yet, and I probably never will be. I am embracing the journey and the path, wherever it takes me. 

Setting the theme for a day just as it begins is a luxury I should plan for and implement in my schedule, as it does work a bit of magic in such trying times. 

Continue reading ...