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Lessons from Dad

My very first lessons in gardening came from my father. More than a book or any actual experience in the world, my Dad is the one who taught me how to begin. It didn’t start with the plants themselves, it started with the earth: the land and the dirt beneath our feet. Before we even thought of heading out to the garden center to procure any living items, Dad showed me to prepare the bed for planting. 

Tilling and toiling over his vegetable plot, he worked the soil skillfully, painstakingly removing every stone or unwanted piece of detritus, until it could be raked through cleanly. He turned over the top layer of upstate dirt into something of deep richness, making the hospitable space for roots to take hold and flourish. He dug in manure and fertilizer, showing me how to enrich the ground and prepare the proper home for good root growth. I learned patience there and then, and the importance of preparation.

By the time it came to actually planting, much of the hard work had been done. What came next was the careful process of planting, and how it differs from plant to plant. He taught me the technical things specific to tomatoes, like how to plant a tomato’s stripped stem sideways in the ground so more roots would grow and it would have a stable structure. He taught me to pinch out early side shoots, allowing the plant to focus its energy upward. He taught me to carefully tie a tender young stem to the support it needed early in its journey, and then to release it when it could stand on its own. Later in the season, he would show me when and how to harvest the ripened results, twisting them off and leaving them on the sunny windowsill of the garage until perfectly red. 

I would take these lessons and apply them to our flower beds – vegetables weren’t as pretty or frivolous as flowers – as that’s where my interest resided. I didn’t see it then, and maybe he didn’t either, but he was actually carving out a way of showing me how to survive in the world. Not in any literal way of feeding myself with homegrown vegetables, but in teaching me that the path to anything good and worthy was in working slowly in service of the end goal. I learned not to hurry things, to take my time and invest diligence and care in every endeavor, being patient and careful, and properly preparing without rush or haste. 

When fall and winter came, the tomato patch wilted and crumbled and fell back into the earth. The wire supports stood forlornly bare, the remaining metal exoskeletons of what they once held high against a summer sky. And every spring, Dad would clear the plot, begin the soil preparation, and start all over again – a circle of life that generations had done before him. 

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A Father’s Heavenly Birthday

Yesterday would have been my Dad’s 93rdbirthday. He came up just short of that milestone, but we honored him with a Filipino dinner last night. It’s a small consolation, but a consolation it is, and it reminds me how he is still here in some way – in spirit, in laughter, in memories, in food, and in family. Our year of marking firsts without Dad has begun – first with my birthday, and now with his – and I’m finding comfort in still celebrating these dates. It brings him back to us, in a strange way. I thought I would be sad or upset by it, and there is an element of missing him that pervades these days, but mostly I’m happy for the reminder of him. Missing him is tangible evidence that his spirit remains strong, that his presence hasn’t dissipated. It’s strange the way some pain provides proof of significance and import – an emotional badge of honor that indicates love was here – and more importantly that love is still here. 

In some ways, our little celebration didn’t differ from the usual dinner gatherings we had for him – my Dad was never one for gifts or hoopla or celebrating one’s birthday with bombast or excitement, and he’d have been the first one to escape from such attention immediately after dinner was finished. He didn’t even need his favored lemon meringue pie – sometimes I felt he was humoring us more than himself during birthdays and holidays, and the older I get the more I think I understand his ways. 

And so our year of firsts continues. Slowly, and a little unsurely, we are finding our way. 

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9/11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Early September Recapping

Tomorrow, as is tradition since this blog was created twenty years ago, this site will go dark in honor of everyone we lost on 9/11. That date also happens to be my Dad’s birthday, and it’s the first year he’s not here, so it feels fitting to pause in the proceedings. As we won’t be posting on Monday morning, here’s an early weekly recap

This purple clematis keeps blooming

A gratuitous Zac Efron shirtless post.

Exhaustion & matcha – a match made in heaven. 

A mystery by Tom Ford demands to be solved just in time for the holiday season.

Getting reacquainted with Corey, who was forgotten for a second year in a row. 

Dad visited me in Boston.

A Labor Day visit to Boston with the twins rekindled the same magic we experienced last year. It was a spooky thrill ride to kick-off the scary season of school and Halloween.

Dazzlers of the Day included Jim Verraros, Diana Ross, and Mehdi Hasan.

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Boston Twinning at the End of Summer – Pt. 2

As it was, just as the light drained from the sky and the fountain turned even more magical, it was time for us to board the Graveyard and Ghost Tour that I’d promised to take with the twins. I wanted something to rival last year’s Codzilla boat ride for thrills and chills, so this seemed like a logical next-step in progressive horror. If you can’t count on your Guncle to properly frighten you, what can you count on in this world? The guides to the pair of buses that were about to depart arrived in character, staring us down, or, in the case of the more frightening one, pounding his head against the side of the bus. Our guide was blessedly not quite as intense, as Emi had already indicated she was not getting a bus with the guy banging his head on any available surface. 

One of the mainstays of my relationship with my niece and nephew has been a reconnection in the fall, from the treasure hunts I’d assembled in their much-younger days to the more frightening stories we would read and the movies we would watch in more recent years. This tour of the graves and ghosts of Boston felt like a fun way to gain early entry to another spooky season of fall. We made our first stop at the Copse Hill Cemetery, which we’d seen from a distance on last year’s Freedom Trail walk. 

Unlocking the chained entrance to the cemetery, our guide led us up and down paths and gravestones that had been there for centuries. Moving among the long-dead, our group spoke in hushed whispers, if we spoke at all, while the twins listened with rapt attention to the tales of those buried here. We passed the thin Spite House – and heard the tale of brotherly betrayal – then exited the graveyard and returned to the bus. The next stop was the Granary, where many of America’s historical figures were resting (except for Benjamin Franklin, who apparently hated Boston; the monument that was emblazoned with ‘FRANKLIN’ belonged to his parents and sister, I believe – the man himself was laid to rest in Philadelphia). John Hancock’s ‘pen’-shaped monument rose in the dim distance, while Noah marveled at the news that the man who built Faneuil Hall had to try three times before it took. The graveyard wasn’t as spooky with the tour groups in it – there is safety in numbers, right? – and soon we were back on the bus, pausing at the apartment on Charles Street where one of the Boston strangler’s victims met their early demise, then we returned to our starting point by the wharf. 

The night was another warm and beautiful one when we began the walk back to the condo, and soon we stopped at the Omni Parker House to check out the mirror of Charles Dickens that we’d just learned about: each of us paused and stared until tears were coming out of our eyes (well, Noah’s at least) but no one saw the visage of Mr. Dickens. The light in the hallway did shut mysteriously off at that moment, so we made a hasty exit from the hotel. 

A troublesome spirit must have tagged along, for when we got back to the condo my patience was at an end, and after the twins almost burned the place down I sent everyone to bed without movie or dessert. We needed the sleep anyway, as we had to wake up early the next day to avoid Labor Day traffic. 

Back in the light of day, and the sunny refusal of summer to slow down or stop, we drove back along the Mass Turnpike, turning off at Lee for a spot of tea at the Red Lion Inn. We were close to home now, but no one wanted to rush along the end of what had been a mostly fun and enjoyable weekend away. In our little nook at the Inn, we sipped our tea, finding a bit of coziness even in the midst of a hot day. We walked around Stockbridge for a bit, taking a secluded garden path behind the library, and then got back on the road – our summer coda concluded. School would arrive in the coming days, and summer would recede.

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Boston Twinning at the End of Summer – Pt. 1

Last year the twins and I made a last-summer-minute visit to Boston for Labor Day, and it went so well that we decided to do it again. Such a move to recapture former glory is always risky, and given the way the world has gone of late this one felt especially perilous, but for the most part we managed to have a good experience. Time spent with family feels especially important these days.

We arrived a little before noon on Saturday, in an unplanned sweet spot between the crazy Friday traffic and college arrivals for the new school year. The day was sunny and warm – summer looked to pretend she’s been a doll all this time when we all knew better. Our first order of business was to pick up some snacks from Eataly then return to the condo for a siesta before dinner. This was the first time I have been back in Boston since Dad died, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. Noah and Emi acted as a buffer and comfort for this entry, taking my mind off what might have otherwise been a more contemplative experience

After procuring some food, we spent some time eating and talking over the things that concern thirteen-year-old kids these days, and then it was time to take a leisurely walk along the Charles River. This may be its most resplendent time – and it was this time of the year when I made my very first walk along its beautiful banks. The twins rambunctiously walked/ran ahead and behind, and somehow we made it to the Hatch without incident, where we crossed back toward downtown. After meandering through the Public Garden in the Golden Hour, we skirted Boston Common and made out way to Chinatown as the sun was going down. 

Dinner in Chinatown was Noah’s idea and request, and we found a place which had one of the best bok choy dishes any of us had ever had. Simple joys shared with loved ones take on a special sheen when experienced in a new/old city. After stuffing ourselves silly, we walked all the way back to the condo in the hope of burning some calories. It was a beautiful and comfortable night – and summer smiled on us as we turned in for the night. 

Right before I woke, I had this dream, and first visit, from Dad. If I was unsure about whether I’d still feel him here, it was confirmation that I always would. After drying my tears, I felt comforted and ok – in fact, better than ok, and my good mood inspired the day as I woke the twins and we headed over to Cambridge for a brunch of ramen noodles at Porter Square. From there, we walked to Harvard Square taking a familiar route I’d traversed many times during my years at Brandeis. We spent some time going through the Harvard campus, perhaps sewing the seeds of a future college goal with the twins, perhaps not. 

Our server at Tia’s was a buffoon, delivering Noah’s dinner ten minutes after Emi and I had received ours, but it resulted in an exchange that the twins loved so it was worth it:

Server: “Our kitchen is as bad as the New York Jets.”

Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

Next table over: [Smirks and snickers]

With another half-hour to go before we were due at the tour, we found a fun fountain that had a few kids running through it, as streams of water would randomly and without warning shoot up at various heights, illuminated by colorful lights. The twins watched, completely transfixed, as kids mostly younger than them dashed in and among the lights and shooting water, trying to dodge getting wet while thrilling at every splash and unsuccessful avoidance. On the cusp of aging out of such adventures, they wanted to join in as much as they wanted to appear that they were supremely uninterested in joining in – the adolescent push and pull of conflicting emotions and wishes – and if we weren’t due to sit on a tour bus for the next hour and a half I’d have encouraged them to run through it and enjoy these last days of summer and youth

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A Boston Visit By Dad

Back in the fall of 1995, my father graciously gave me the go-ahead to find a place to live in Boston – something that would suit me while finishing out college and beginning whatever line of work I would begin, and which would also serve as a landing space for when the family visited the city. Within days, I had set up visits with a real estate agent, and within a couple of weeks we’d located our current place on Braddock Park

Because of that, Dad had always been the impetus and charge behind me finding my home there, and I remember him visiting once when I was working at John Hancock, when we stayed in the condo and had a weekend together. Of course he was present for when Andy and I got married in the Boston Public Garden, and told everyone of how I had found the condo for them as soon as I get off the phone from him giving me the go-ahead. That was the last time I was in Boston with him, and I’m so grateful we have that happy memory. As I readied to return to the city for the first time since his death, I wondered if I would still feel that connection. 

For Labor Day weekend, I had promised to take the twins to Boston, and it felt right to have them with me – they are in ways both literal and figurative the seamless continuation of my father – his blood runs through their veins and the memories of their childhood carry him through to this day. They also provided a happy distraction for me: it’s impossible to keep an eye on two thirteen-year-olds who more often than not are going in different directions, and still be pre-occupied with missing my Dad. On our first night, we went to bed fully spent and exhausted from a day of walking. 

In the early hours of the morning, right before I woke up, I had a dream.

I was at my parents’ old house while my Mom was out. On the side porch, an early Christmas present had arrived for me – flowers and a Betty Buckley doll – the random and bizarre details that let us know it was only a dream. Slightly confused about the gift, I left it there so Mom could think that I was still surprised. I went back inside and heard someone in the downstairs bathroom.

Looking in, I saw two people – one facing me and one with his back to me. The man facing me was my father, in his much younger years – hair entirely black and brushed back in his usual style, and without the glasses that would become a mainstay later on. He was talking intently but happily with a gray-haired man whose back was still to me, until he turned around and I saw that it was an older version of my Dad, the way we knew him as adults. 

I rushed in, confused but happy that somehow he had returned. I started crying immediately, and reached my arms around both of them. And then something that has only happened to me once in all my life occurred again in what I then fully understood to be a dream: I physically felt his arms around me. He held me there as I sobbed.

My crying was messy now, and I was hysterically trying to tell him how much we missed him and loved him. Still, I felt his arms enclosed around me, tangibly and physically embracing me and somehow letting me know that he was here. I asked him to please watch over us, especially Mom, and kept crying. 

It must have been my wailing that woke me up. I felt for my face, rubbing the actual tears away. Through my hazy, tear-stained vision, I saw a double figure move off into the distance like some floater that sometimes moves across one’s gaze. At first I was devastated by the realization that it was only a dream, and then I was comforted by my Dad’s arms around me, still here in his own way, still loving me, still silently supporting us and letting us know he was ok. 

This was my first trip back to Boston since Dad died, and I had been unsure if I would feel him there. While he was integral in purchasing our condo and he visited a handful of times, I only have those few memories of him being there with us. Yet on this first night back, this is where he chose to visit me. A sign that this was still home. 

On the morning that we were set to depart, Emi called me over to the window. A cardinal had landed in the tree in front of the condo. I watched its scarlet feathers as she remarked that Lolo was visiting. Smiling softly, I knew that he already had. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Mehdi Hasan

Many journalists have been suffering from trying, and miserably failing, to hold a bunch of GOP candidates to the truth these days. It’s a new skill required now that lying seems to be the Republican way of winning. Unwilling to let anything stand in the way of truth and honest reporting, Mehdi Hasan earns his first Dazzler of the Day crowning for his masterful way of interviewing subjects. Refusing to be snowed or overwhelmed by lies and repetitious idiocy, he adamantly refuses to let anyone go without an answer to his reasonable and fair questions. Witness the recent interview he did with the awful Vivek Ramaswamy, the joke of an heir to Trump’s nonsensical political career, and marvel at his interviewing skills in the face of slick but obviously false statements. Check out ‘The Mehdi Hasan Show’ on Sunday nights at 8 PM. 

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Getting Reacquainted with Corey

Meet Corey. That’s the nickname I’ve given to this late-blooming Coreopsis, a plant I completely forgot about  (again) until I saw this cheery bloom hovering near the pink hibiscus by the pool. It could have, and perhaps should have, been a bit more floriferous, but in my forgetful neglect of the past season, I didn’t amend the soil or fertilize or help it along in any way. Still, it bloomed for me, and I’m grateful for the little bit of beauty coming so late in the proverbial summer day. 

I’d like to believe that some plants bloom simply for the sake of blooming – to add something pretty and beautiful to this world – and that it’s not just about setting seed and ensuring survival. It’s probably just wishful and fanciful thinking on my part, and I’m sure the form and color and perfume of every flower serves some purpose – I still choose to believe that beauty may be its own purpose. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Diana Ross

She just sang Happy Birthday to Beyoncé at one of the Renaissance Tour stops, which felt somewhat like the anointing of the next queen-in-waiting for the throne of pop culture Queen Bee – a title which Diana Ross has arguably held in her long and storied career. Impossible to encapsulate in a single post, Ms. Ross easily adds Dazzler of the Day to her many titles and accomplishments. Her influence reigns in all the various configurations and career trajectories of singer-actor-producer-writer-multi-hyphenates, and she paved the way for entities such as Whitney Houston, Madonna, Janet Jackson and of course Beyoncé. Michael Jackson himself publicly admired and credited Ross with inspiring him from a young age, so her aspirational career appealed to more than female entertainers. Today, she is still touring, still performing, and still shining as one of the most enduring and beloved stars this world has ever been fortunate to have in its ranks. 

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A Mystery by Tom Ford

We are approaching the holiday season, and though that may feel a long way off, it’s really not, and I don’t want anyone to get caught in shipping delays or backed up orders, so here’s an early promising idea that comes courtesy of my favorite fragrance supplier, Tom Ford. This is ‘Myrrhe Mystere’, the latest Private Blend release, billed as “a provocative, vibrational expression of the mystical resin – a richly luminous aura.” What the fuck ever – I’m highly skeptical that anything approaching myrrh is involved in this, but fragrance is more about the idea and essence than authenticity. Reviews so far have been kind, likening it to ‘Ébène Fumé’, which I absolutely love (it has supplanted ‘Santal Blush’ as my holiday fragrance). If this comes anywhere close to that, it may be the fall fragrance that leads into holiday season, and I might have to simply order it myself sooner rather than later. I’ll give it a spin the next time I’m in Boston.

The listed notes are sandalwood, myrrh essence and ultra-vanille accord – while those in the know/nose have proclaimed it to be a dreamy bit of amber. If there’s a scrap of ‘Amber Absolute’ in the mix I’m definitely in. A major drawback is the outrageous price point for this one, which is better left unsaid and unprinted lest anyone think I’ve gone completely around the bend. When I do a sample test, its going to have to last the whole day long, and project to kingdom come to make it worth such exorbitance. We shall see.

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Dazzler of the Day: Jim Verraros

He was part of that magical first season of ‘American Idol’, where every contestant was memorable in their own right, each perfectly capable of being the main character in the story. Jim Verraros won the hearts of the world when he competed and viewers got to know his adorable parents, and since then he’s crafted a solid life for himself, one that has included music and film roles along the way. He is returning to the musical scene with new work this month – the eagerly-anticipated new single ‘Take My Bow’ is out September 15, 2023 and he earns this Dazzler of the Day for doing it with the style, panache and talent that earned him a place on the ‘Idol’ platform.

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Exhaustion and Matcha

It’s been almost a month since Andy and I had our first bout of COVID, and we still have coughs and regular stretches of sheer exhaustion. If I so much as sit down briefly in our comfy green chair, and allow my head to go to the side, I will promptly fall asleep in a matter of minutes. I don’t dare to lie down on a bed unless I want to throw away the next ten hours. It has slowed everything down, but the start of this September is so hot and humid, it feels right to slow down. 

The mornings have so far remained momentarily cool, allowing for a cup of matcha to jumpstart the day, and stave off immediate exhaustion when at the office. I haven’t had matcha since early spring, when this sort of heat and humidity was a welcome dream. Time changes everything. 

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Zac Efron Gratuitously Shirtless

It’s been way more than a hot minute since Zac Efron graced the pages of this blog, so let’s rectify that with a few shots of him cavorting waterside with his brother Dylan. (Shall we name Dylan a Dazzler of the Day soon or what?) For more naked and nude Zac Efron shots, check out the links in this previous blog post

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Purple Tuesday

A minor re-blooming at the tail end of the season is always a welcome sight, particularly when one manages to capture it in the almost-golden hour. Sunlight slanting through the petals of a clematis bloom illuminates things differently depending on which side it’s on. When viewed head-on, with the sunlight falling directly on it, the petals feel warmer, the veining richer; when viewed from behind, the blue of the sky as its backdrop, it feels decidedly cooler, and more crisp. 

The shift from summer to fall, in spite of all atmospheric evidence to the contrary, has begun. One wouldn’t know it from the 90-degree days that are in full-effect, but it’s happening. These last few summer days will find me hiding from the sun and heat; I wrote this summer off a while ago. I will try to embrace them, and inhabit them as they come. I will try to be present, to experience what remains of this season and not wish or rush it away. I will also eagerly anticipate the fall, and even the winter; it is time for the gardens to go to sleep for another year. 

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