Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

The Rain in Maine Falls Vainly On Our Vacations – Pt. 1

Andy and I have been visiting Ogunquit, Maine regularly since 2000. It was the first place to which we traveled together, and will always hold special significance for me because of that. It has also provided the bookends of our summers – with the first trip usually taking place over Memorial Day weekend and the last closing things out in October. This year we were off by a week, which worked out in that we avoided most of the crowds, even if it was Pride Weekend. I overheard one of the servers telling their table that the best time to visit if you wanted something quiet was in the weekend following a holiday weekend, so our timing was fortuitous, and something to keep in mind going forward. 

We arrived on a sunny day, the kind that has often proved elusive on our Ogunquit visits. Home-base was once again the Scotch Hill Inn, which provides the best breakfast in town (and is reason alone to book this place, if the accompanying hospitality and comfort isn’t already more than enough). 

Our host Anthony graciously let us settle in, and after a quick unpacking we immediately headed to the beach and it seemed like there might only be two decent beach days. If there is one lesson we have learned over the decades of visiting Ogunquit, it is to make the most of the sun when it’s out. 

The ocean water was as cold as Maine ocean water usually is, but Andy reveled in it, planting his feet solidly on the shore and letting it surround him for the first time since last year; a year is a long time to be away from the healing power of the sea. 

Around dinner time, we walked a bit of the Marginal Way, which was resplendent with beach roses in pink and white (Rosa rugosa), sprinkling their perfumed magic along our path. I have yet to find a Tom Ford Private Blend that is as glorious as the scent of beach roses mingled with the ocean. 

The bench where I officially proposed to Andy was happily free, so we took a moment to pause and enjoy the view and the company. After twenty-three years of visiting this place, our gratitude took an easier and more relaxed form. Thinking back over all those years, it was both a marvel and exactly what I’d hoped for and envisioned when we first started coming here. The constancy of all that was before us was a comfort, as was the idea of all that was behind us. (And on cue Andy posed for just a couple of shots before tickling me and making it impossible to capture a non-blurry picture of us together.)

The next day was even warmer, the sun was shining in splendid glory, and we made it to the beach to make the most of it. Standing at the crux of land and water, I felt the frigid water roll past my feet, watching the reflection of the sun on the rippling little waves, sparkling like hundreds of white cranes fluttering back toward the sea. The beach has been casting the same spell over me since I was a child, and here I was at 47 years of age feeling its magic all over again

Joining Andy on a towel in a dry section of sand, I sat down and closed my eyes to do my daily meditation. To do so in such a location was a luxury and a treat, one that allowed for a deeper mindfulness and appreciation of where we were. One of the best things about mediation is that you can bring it with you wherever you go. 

As the tide began to roll in, we rolled our towels up and walked back to dress for dinner. Something about being at the beach always makes me extra-hungry. It had been a good two days of sun and fun, but the weather was about to turn, as it tends to do when we are in town… 

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Among the Buzz of Bees, A Birthday Lands

Encroaching ever closer upon our half-century mark, Suzie celebrates her birthday today, and I’ll honor her standing as a proper lady by not revealing her exact age. (I will state for the record that she is almost three months older than me, so I’ll always be the younger one. Obvs.) The birthday parties she had in our childhood were outdoor affairs, which usually found us on the shaded side yard of their statuesque Victorian home, involved in three-legged sack races or other such childish games.

At some point during those parties, I would find a way to sneak off to the gardens on the other side of the house, where I could follow a rickety set of stone steps that led into a secluded little section of the yard blocked off by trees and a white fence. I was more interested in the gardens than participating in any reindeer games, I don’t care if I could blow a gum bubble faster than anyone else after eating a saltine cracker. 

At the edge of the driveway, and all along the stone steps leading down into the garden, vast swaths of these perennial cornflowers (Centaurea montana) bloomed. They were irresistible to bees, who buzzed and danced among their blooms, lending a bit of danger to the path into the garden. One had to cross the busy byways of these buzzing sentinels and risk their stings in order to access the garden. It was always worth it to me, and to this day the sight of a cornflower in bloom brings me instantly back to Suzie’s birthdays, the way peonies bring me back to that very same garden

After all these years, Suzie still embodies the warmth and safety and comfort of that garden, the same place she shared her grape taffy beneath a grape arbor dangling with unripe fruit and flanked by beds or irises and hosta. Suzie and summer will always be happily entwined in my memory, and on this day I wish her a very Happy Birthday as she embarks upon another year’s journey around the sun. 

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A Climb That’s Taken Over 20 Years

One of the very first things I planted when we first moved into our home in 2002 was a climbing hydrangea. I placed it at the base of a towering old pine tree that was bare for the bottom two-thirds of its enormous trunk, leaving ample room for the antics of this not-so-social climber. Like many vines, this one adheres strictly to the following schedule:

  1. The first year it sleeps. 
  2. The second year it creeps.
  3. The third year it leaps.

Let’s talk about that first year. Soil preparation is essential, as this is an investment that may last a very long time. I dug as deeply as possible, amending abundantly but carefully so as not to run the risk of burning the roots with too much manure. Then I watered, and kept watering, even when it seemed like nothing was happening. The first summer of a climbing hydrangea planting should never be dry. It rewarded me with little to no growth, but I had faith, so I kept at it, pampering and caretaking despite lack of any visible growth. 

The second year I applied an early spring amendment – a half bag of manure worked into the top of the soil, then a heavy mulch to keep things cool and moist. And then I kept up the watering schedule. There was a bit more growth – the creep had begun. Branches leaned into the tree, finding comfort and footing on its rough bark, sending out some aerial roots for stability and support. The tree itself seemed a bit happier to have such a companion, as its roots were getting all the excess nutrients they would have otherwise gone without. 

For that second summer, while there was some additional growth on the top, it wasn’t robust or substantial, so it was important to keep up the watering even without much to show for it. This sort of blind faith is the key to success for many a gardener. We amend and prepare and work for something that may not produce any visible result for years – and such lessons have been incalculably valuable in bolstering my patience and working towards things that don’t come with immediate rewards. 

The third year there was indeed a leap, but it was a leap of foliage and branches, devoid of flowers. Starting with such a young specimen means flowering may not commence for several years – something that isn’t explained or explored in the nursery rhyme of growth pattern. I didn’t really mind (ok, I may have minded a little) but mostly I was just happy it was doing well and finally climbing several feet, lending the previously barren tree trunk new life and prettiness. Again, I worked organic matter into the surrounding soil and kept it regularly and well watered, especially during dry spells. 

It was the fourth or fifth year that the first flowers appeared – their lace-caps delicate and airy, their perfume light and sweet – and then the true magic began to happen. As it climbed vertically a couple of feet each year, it also began to send out branches that extended outward from the trunk, and they arched and dangled flower heads up and down the entire length of the vine. The rewards began at the half-decade mark – a waiting period most people today scoff and deride as impossible, but one that seems to me a rather small wait for something so gloriously beautiful. 

Today this gorgeous specimen stands at a towering thirty to forty feet in the air, perfuming that entire corner of our yard. At twenty-one years of age, she is older than this website by one year, and will probably outlast it as she shows no signs of letting up. I don’t pamper her as I once did – she no longer needs it, providing a hefty bit of shade to keep her own roots cool and moist. Every few years I’ll do a thick top-dressing of manure to keep her roots happy and well-fed for all the beauty she has provided us. All this time later, we are still taking care of each other. 

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Fiery Haze

One of the easiest yet least-heralded ways of viewing a solar eclipse is through the shadows that the sun casts – you can see little crescents on the ground when an eclipse or partial eclipse is happening. Along that same vein, the tell-tale sign that something was not right in the sky was the mid-morning sunlight that landed on this blanket and chaise in the attic.

It was amber in hue – the sort of deep, rich shade that usually only appears in summer sunsets at the end of hot days. Yet here it was, landing after being bent and battered by the smoky haze that was still carrying from fires in Canada. Another sign that the world was not quite right, and an acrid one at that, which I found out after stepping outside for a quick garden walk at lunch, only to be encountered by a heavy atmosphere of cough-inducing nastiness. 

After a season of horrendous allergies, this is another setback to the start of summer. I am not here for this sort of atmospheric rollercoaster. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Andrew Christian

For gay men of a certain age (myself most definitely included), the best source of fashionable and racy underwear a couple of decades ago was the ‘International Male’ catalog; the modern-day version of such a supply has to be Andrew Christian, who has made his underwear company the gold-standard of fun under-attire. Having established himself as a brand thanks to skillful and sexy promotional images and videos, and an ever-evolving selection of merchandise that celebrates all sorts of sexiness, Christian walks the walk of his scantily-attired talk, thrilling on his Instagram feed with his own products. He earns this Dazzler of the Day for that, and for giving us something more than boxers or briefs from which to choose. 

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The Eyes of Nostalgia

“Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, ‘The Beautiful and Damned

Celebrating the 20th year of this website has ushered me into a room of nostalgia and deeply-buried remembrances. Even our recent visit to Ogunquit had me revisiting our very first trips there, and as a preamble to those new posts, I dug up these photos from way back in 2003. The world was very different then. At that point in time, the post-9/11 atmosphere felt dark and tense, but looking back at it now feels so much more innocent and kind. Maybe the natural progression of life is toward a dimmer, darker place – or maybe that’s just my perception as I look back over the last twenty years of this blog and compare the world today as it was back then.

Taking more cues from Fitzgerald, who wrote in ‘The Great Gatsby that “life is much more successfully looked at from a single window” I am looking through a window that peers out onto the beach of Ogunquit, where my 28-year-old self is posing for pictures that Andy so graciously agreed to take, back when pictures of myself were a priority, and a way, I now see, of documenting the youth that we would all yearn for in some way.

While I’m glad to have had those youthful, mirthful days, I’m one of the more uncommon people in my circle of friends who doesn’t quite dread getting older as much as others seem to be doing. The wisdom gained is worth more than the svelte figure and thick, dark hair given in exchange for it. That may change a bit as our health concerns grow ever graver, but for now I’m ok with embracing the advance of age. The other option would be bitterness, and I’m bitter enough without adding something over which I have no control. 

Twenty years ago, our Ogunquit trips were usually made over Memorial Day weekend, and the vast majority were filled with rain and cold, dreary weather. Somehow we didn’t mind. It was enough being near the sea, listening to its calming rhythmic spell, even when it was wild and destructive. There was also something comforting about all the rain – it forced an appreciation for all else that was good and enjoyable – the delicious food (oodles of lobster and fish), the musical enchantment of a piano bar (back before bridal showers were such an obnoxious thing), and the simple hunkering down in bed with a then-new-boyfriend while outside the weather raged. That magic was something we would retain throughout the ensuing years, and no matter how much we cursed the rain when we were at home, we made our peace with it whenever we were in Maine. 

Our time in Ogunquit was often imbued with a warm, sepia tone of contentment and calm, and some bit of prescient understanding in those early days had me writing it all down in whatever notebook I brought with me. My favorite memories were not the fancy dinners at Five-O or the current show at Ogunquit Playhouse, but the simple moments of sitting at a cafe along Shore Road and notating our adventures as tourists and fellow-vacationers ambled by in the happy haze that being on vacation affords. 

“It was too late – everything was too late. For years now he had dreamed the world away, basing his decisions upon emotions unstable as water.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, ‘The Beautiful and Damned’

For all of the changes that have come over the past twenty years, and the restaurant turnover alone would make your head spin if I tried to go through everything that has opened and closed in all that time, some things have remained surprisingly, and pleasantly, the same. While the lines that furrow the brow and frame the eyes don’t go away when we are out of the sunlight as they once did, the feeling of calm and tranquility that comes from any stretch of time on the beach has stayed constant. The water still goes in and out quicker and more dramatically than you think it will, the sun rises over the sea every morning even when it’s disguised by cloud cover, and thanks to some manipulation and care by local officials, the sand shifts and swirls but never completely disappears. 

Indulging in nostalgia is a trap I do my best to avoid – I find it hinders appreciation of the present moment – and my mind has typically focused on what is to come, living in the imaginary and hopeful world of future possibility rather than the still stagnant pictures of the past. There are benefits and drawbacks to both, and so I try to find a balance, reconciling the past and incorporating the lessons learned into some better future. Sometimes that helps in making more informed choices – sometimes it’s enough just being happy in the remembrance of beach days long past. 

“I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, ‘The Beautiful and Damned’

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Let Pride Be Your Guide

This announcement of an upcoming Drag Story Hour/Cabaret for Kids at the New York State Museum in Albany, NY is probably the best thing about this year’s Pride Month, and it’s being helmed by two of my favorite performers – Frieda Munchon and Carmie Hope. While the Republican Party is currently doing its best to alienate itself from the most basic tenets of human decency, it has turned its wayward focus to attacking drag performers. The last hundred reports of adults sexually abusing children I’ve heard about were perpetrated by straight white men. Not one of those was a drag queen. But the GOP is going off the deep end and most sane people are beginning to see that, so to be attacked and vilified by them is now a mark of honor and, dare I say, respectability. 

As for a drag queen story hour for kids, I only wish someone had taken me to something like this when I was a kid. Children can usually detect authenticity, and they often respond with unspoken respect and adoration to those who are most themselves, even and especially when what they’re doing makes them different from other people. To be a drag queen takes the courage and determination to be what you absolutely have to be no matter how much shit you will inevitably get from certain hateful sectors of the world. To be a drag queen takes the bravery and nobility to stay true to yourself in the face of others who may never understand or accept or simply leave you alone. To be a drag queen is to embrace a spirit of fun and beauty and open-heartedness that makes this world a better place. 

I can’t think of a better role model for a child to have. 

{The Drag Story Hour/Cabaret for Families and Kids will take place on June 24, 2023 at the Huxley Theater at the New York State Museum, 260 Madison Avenue, Albany, NY. The event is free and runs from 1 to 4 PM.}

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Returning to a City of Smoke

Driving from Ogunquit, Maine to Albany, New York yesterday was one of our more uneventful and light-of-traffic trips in many years, but the closer we got to home, the cloudier and thicker the air looked. By the time we returned to Albany, the sky was a queasy sort of peach and gray, and when the sunlight could get through it landed in sickly shades of amber and salmon – the stuff of sunsets but much too early in the day for that to be a good thing. The lawns looked like the dried and desiccated stretches of August and early September, and everything felt like it was coated in dust and pollen and dangerous particulates. 

Before unpacking most of our bags, I hopped back in the car and dropped off some food treats from Maine to my parents in Amsterdam. Along the Thruway, the sky looked even smokier – fires from Canada and all the rainless days conspired to create some very unhealthy air conditions. Back in upstate for just a few minutes, and I was already clamoring for the wet sea of relief that a rainy weekend in Maine had provided. Suddenly that rain felt very welcome. 

I turned up Taylor Swift and tried to channel the happier parts of summer. When I got back home for the second time that day, the sky finally threatened rain with dark clouds and rumbles of thunder in the distance. Lightning flashed and a blessed blanket of rain began to fall. I walked up into the attic to hear the rain fall there. In the calm of a storm, I began my daily meditation, indulging in the return to home, the return to our regular schedule, and the return to life after the renewal of a vacation. More on that fun trip in later posts… 

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Is This Chris Hemsworth’s Naked Butt?

Once upon a time I would have tracked down the real story behind the behind here, but I’m ok with letting the mystery hang in the air if it’s this hot. Here is Chris Hemsworth naked – or as naked as CGI effects allow for, as there has been talk that this is all digital magic. Regardless, enjoy the view such as in this post

(Remember, don’t flick too hard!)

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All the Promise of a Peony in Bud

The formal peony beds at Suzie’s childhood home – a stately Victorian in black and white perched upon Locust Avenue – were usually my first brush with summer as we celebrated her birthday in early June every year. While the other party attendees focused on the games and silliness that kids are wont to love, I wandered off by myself to see the peonies, in full, resplendent bloom in the gardens away from the crowd. 

They towered up to my height, their heads heavy with petals and peony perfume yet still somehow standing, and their effect was magical. It was a brush with the sublime, one that I’ve held onto through these middle-age years, and one that has kept me company on the cold nights and desolate mornings of winter. They embodied beauty and hope and happiness, bursting with their brilliance and refusing to bow down to subtlety or other expected decorum. Part of me wanted to be just like them, and part of me cowered at their power. In their buds they held all the promise of something spectacular, something moving, something that would change my life. 

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S & M

The simple but powerful teasers of Madonna’s new collaboration with Sam Smith feel almost too epic to deliver something that could possibly rise to the level of heated anticipation of a song called ‘Vulgar’ so I’m doing my best to tamp down my feverish expectations and hopes. A full-out banger of a dance duet would be simply divine, but I fear this may not be that. Regardless, the Madonna fan world is so hungry for something new musically that we will all likely line-up to celebrate whatever this is going to be. (Just please don’t tell me it’s a ‘Human Nature’ remix or mash-up with ‘Unholy’ – things have been derivative enough of late.)

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The Glory of an Early June Recap

The month of June is at hand, and so our posting schedule gets a little lighter and breezier as I spend more of the days outside and less in front of a lap-top. There won’t be a full summer break as I did a couple of summers previously, but there will be a shift away from volume and length, because, well, summer hair, don’t care. On with the weekly recap

Stars in dappled sunlight.

Peony explosion.

A summer season starts early because we need it now.

And summer deserves a second part.

The unforgettable christening of Jaxon Layne.

Triple trouble with the twins.

A rare shade of yellow in a peony.

Back in the pool days.

When summer’s a knife.

Dazzlers of the Day included Cristiano Ronaldo, Kylie Minogue, and Aaron Henrikson.

 

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When Summer’s A Knife

Summer often opens portals to the past, leading us down corridors of memory where the scent of a peony or mockorange stuns us into our youth again. It’s a gloriously disconcerting thing when it happens, nostalgia mingled with yearning, mourning coupled with celebratory glee – all that once was now finished and over, and only the memories of certain events and feelings remain, growing ever-faded by each passing year.

Fever dream high in the quiet of the nightYou know that I caught itBad, bad boyShiny toy with a priceYou know that I bought it
Killing me slow, out the windowI’m always waiting for you to be waiting belowDevils roll the dice, angels roll their eyesWhat doesn’t kill me makes me want you more

Summer seems to hit differently that way, our memories somehow more succinct and holding more powerful sway over our present than anything we might recall from a cold stale winter. Maybe they mean more and last longer because we want summer to do the same. All that drama is neatly encapsulated in this simple pop song by Taylor Swift rather tritely entitled ‘Cruel Summer’.

And it’s new, the shape of your bodyIt’s blue, the feeling I’ve gotAnd it’s ooh, whoa, ohIt’s a cruel summerIt’s cool, that’s what I tell ’emNo rules in breakable heavenBut ooh, whoa ohIt’s a cruel summerWith you

Many a Swiftie considers the bridge in ‘Cruel Summer’ to be one of her best, and my niece confirmed this as she all but shouted out the lyrics when it hit. (Not sure how much experience a 13-year-old has had being drunk in the backseat of a car, but I’m getting ahead of myself.) The notion of summer being cruel has long been a delicious juxtaposition of the sunny season and anything that happens to go wrong during that time. (And there is more than one song that takes the ‘Cruel Summer’ title.) I too adore that kind of tension – it lends a gravitas to summer that its more celebrated lightness and frivolity tends to obscure.

Hang your head lowIn the glow of the vending machineI’m not dyingYou say that we’ll just screw it up in these trying timesWe’re not trying
So cut the headlights, summer’s a knifeI’m always waiting for you just to cut to the boneDevils roll the dice, angels roll their eyesAnd if I bleed, you’ll be the last to know

Swift adds her own brand of melodrama to a season that often comes rife with enough drama of its own, heightening the effect with images of summer nights and misguided obsessions, sneaking through garden gates and blissfully diving into mistakes with heated abandon. Summer provides the necessary backdrop, and occasional impetus, for all of it to happen, and looking back at summers past we’ve all indulged in such folly and foolishness, such as squeezing into a blue Speedo and baking our skin in the midday sun. Those foibles are silly and minor when you contrast them with the deliberate ransacking of one’s heart, all in an effort to make one summer mean more than it might genuinely merit. Summers can be as much like knives as they are like people – variable, sharp, cutting – and embodying a diabolical beauty and sinister elegance. They can burn or hiss or soothe or wimper, crackling with dry heat or smoldering with fetid humidity. The heat does something to the passion that gets unleashed in the coming months. It messes with the mind. It clouds the judgment. It hazes the sight. Midsummer madness is much more than mere alliteration.

I’m drunk in the back of the carAnd I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)Said, “I’m fine, ” but it wasn’t trueI don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep youAnd I snuck in through the garden gateEvery night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)And I screamed for whatever it’s worth“I love you, ” ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?He looks up grinning like a devil…

A single line of sweat, started by a single bead of liquid, spills down the body, tickling and invoking an involuntary arching of the back. A bumblebee buzzes by in lumbering flight, its fuzzy body dusted by pretty pollen. A wailing cicada ticks away the midpoint of the day. Heat emanates from everywhere, even the shaded spaces, and eventually there is nowhere that provides respite. This is the summer we need. This is the summer we want. This is cruel in the best possible way.

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Back in the Pool Days

Andy opened the pool early this year, and he kept it heated for the sporadic and occasional stretch of 80 degree days, which we’ve been blessed to have already had. Now that I’ve reached the age where my own back is giving out and unleashing its own pain, I find the pool immensely therapeutic. I wasn’t even trying to feel better when I jumped in a few weeks ago, but as I spent an afternoon swimming and gliding through the water, I felt the release of gravity pulling down on everything, and when I settled in for bed that night the difference was discernible. Whether it allowed for a full relaxation of any lingering back spasms, or provided just the right movement or stretch motion to relieve something, it felt wonderful. Since then I’ve tried to get in at least once a day, weather permitting, to find similar ease.

My how far we have fallen from the days of seeing whether we could drunkenly keep a burning citronella bucket lit while plummeting down a rickety water slide (for the record, I could, and I did, and there was wax in the water for the next week). I prefer these days to those.

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Dazzler of the Day: Aaron Henrikson

 Taking a swashbuckling turn through sensational sartorial splendor, Aaron Henrikson first caught my eye when he was working with Madonna on her make-up. Since then, he’s made a name for himself in his own right thanks to an unending arsenal of stunning ensembles, and a wardrobe that sets a new standard for what it means to make a stunning impression. Thanks to that, he earns this Dazzler of the Day crowning.

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