Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

We Can’t All Be Elphaba or Glinda

“The story is told in so many ways, depending on who is doing the telling, and what needs to be heard at the time.” – Gregory Maguire

We can’t all be Elphaba or Glinda, as if life could ever be a strictly binary choice. 

Some of us have to be Fiyero, if only because dust is what we come to

Having seen ‘Wicked’ three times now, I am still haunted by this exchange, and it comes from Elphaba talking to Fiyero when they are in the enchanted forest:

Elphaba: No matter how shallow and self-absorbed you pretend to be

Fiyero: Excuse me, there is no pretense here. I happen to be genuinely self-absorbed and deeply shallow

Elphaba: Oh please. No you’re not. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so unhappy.

She renders him speechless then, and it’s a silence I know too well.

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

When faced with the option of being honest and hurting someone, or simply not speaking and saving someone some heartache, I haven’t always made the noble choice. Especially when pressed.

I’m not an orange. You’re not going to get sweetness if you squeeze me.

#TinyThreads

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Yesterday There Was One…

One blog post.

Just the one.

I usually have three scheduled:

  • a featured first post that goes up shortly after 6 AM
  • a lighter mid-day post that’s usually a throw-away #TinyThreads or something similarly slim
  • a night-time crap-shoot around the 8 PM hour that could be anything

Yesterday I only had one in me.

It wasn’t for any particular reason. I didn’t get around to pre-populating anything, and didn’t feel like doing it after work. So you got one – and a rather piss-poor one at that. Tuesdays often suck and yesterday was no exception – if anything, it was a Tuesdayer Tuesday than usual, making for a pretty shitty day that ended in rain and a sky that couldn’t decide whether to turn off the light at 3 or 4 o’clock.

Suzie and I mutually cancelled our planned holiday excursion, which means it won’t happen before Christmas; she didn’t feel well, and I didn’t feel like doing it at all. And I don’t think either of us is very bothered by it. That’s somewhat new for me. Slightly worrisome, slightly a relief, mostly a shrug. 

The same way I feel about this blog. And this month. And this year. 

Just the one.

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Cultivating Christmas Spirit

Sorrowful confession: I haven’t felt the Christmas spirit yet this year. While not outright or immediate cause for alarm, I did have a twinge of concern as I closed out this year’s holiday stroll weekend with nary a particular moment of holiday spirit. Perhaps it was this damper at the Newbury Boston, or maybe the second Christmas without my Dad is hitting more keenly than the first since it’s finally settling in – whatever the reason, the traditional comfort and warmth of the season has thus far eluded me. 

Sometimes it happens this way – and sometimes it shows up right before the big event. Even if it doesn’t, I’ve made my peace with not feeling the same joy we once did as kids. In addition to doing my own growing up, the world has changed in the past few years, leveling traditions that once felt like they would, and should, last a lifetime. And honestly, I simply don’t care. It’s ok to change, and it’s ok to step back and away from customs that exist simply for the sake of custom. There is power in such history, and sentiment in such traditions; there is also power in letting them go when the time is right. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

{Insert annual rant about the Trader Joe’s parking lot and how everyone’s most rudimentary driving skills suddenly curl up and die when they enter that space.}

#TinyThreads

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The Most Mysterious

Someone once said that fish were the most mysterious animals on the planet. It makes sense for that to be an assumption, as silence is so often cloaked in mystery, and fish would be among the most silent animals we know. I like the idea of fish being mysterious, and carrying secrets to their watery graves before we even know what to ask. Humans have analyzed and examined so many things to death, there is less and less that we no longer know – and not knowing is part of the joy of life. Some mysteries can never be solved, which is as thrilling as it may be infuriating for some. Personally, I like leaning into the mystery, being left with things slightly unknown, and certainty only guessed at. It stands as one of the many exceptions to my organized, Virgo nature

The koi seen here are housed at Koto Restaurant. Andy and I pause to inspect them whenever we dine there, and I could feasibly spend hours just watching them slowly swim back and forth in their pond, not once understanding or fully knowing why they do what they do. For the longest time, I’ve wanted a koi pond of our own; Andy’s fully on board for it as well, we just need to find the space, and time, and human-labor to make it happen. They need a lot of space, and most people don’t dig their ponds deep enough; that would be fatal in our winters. 

Maybe this is the winter I plan and plot and incubate the idea of how it might actually occur – the same way I used to make plans for the garden when it was asleep during these months. Knowledge and planning are key components to trying something new. 

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Winter’s Approach

Just a few days until the official start of winter, a light coating of snow sticks to the ground – just the right amount for a white Christmas if we can keep it this way and not go overboard. A little goes a long way, even if we are at the very start of things. This outside scene will stay largely similar until spring comes again, and so I am taking my meditative moments to consider it each day, finding one point of interest or note at varying times. Winter provides ample opportunity for meditation if you allow yourself the time and focus. 

I’ve reached the point in life where I embrace the winter, welcoming its insistent calls for pause or quiet when it heaps snow on our paths or rushes us indoors with an icy wind. Listening to those signs is a part of mindfulness, and that practice is especially important as we transition from the holidays to the doldrums of winter. With an aim and an eye toward keeping things steady, I’m taking in the moments as they come. 

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A Christmas Cupcake

As if the season couldn’t get any more indulgent, this cupcake ornament reminds us there is no such thing as too much. Well, at this time of the year. Only I can get away with being too much year-round. More on that unhappy revelatory realization later, when I’m in the mood for almost-naked navel-gazing again. And I don’t so much get away with it as simply command that it happens. 

The holidays bring out the sweetness, the stickiness, the mess, and the mayhem. 

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A Recap in the Holiday Throes

As a full moon subsides, and this latest bout of Mercury in retrograde moves to the past, we enter the high holiday season. I just spent a long weekend in Boston for our annual holiday stroll (early sneak-peek of that drama has already been posted here) and if I get ambitious I’ll try to have that rundown up here in a few days. In the meantime, enjoy this weekly blog recap

The first awards of the FAFO season!

My first glimpse of a day.

Bringing back the beefcake.

Words to live by.

Changing the channel for Christmas, and beyond.

Basic snacks 101.

Absence makes the heart grow…

A day of comfort in every way.

Revisited by a Christmas critter.

Lights, camera, ornaments!

Endless omelette by Andy.

Getting our stroll on.

An almost-winter moon.

A cozy Christmas scene.

Waltzing through Christmas.

This wreath though.

A questionable incident at the Newbury Boston.

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Racial Profiling at the Newbury Hotel?

My very first brush with the building that now houses the Newbury Boston occurred in the 1990’s, when it was still the Ritz Carlton. Dad and Mom were staying there for a medical conference, and I’d just gotten over an infirmary-stay with mono so they allowed me to stay with them. My very first meal after being down and out for a week was the room service order of breakfast pancakes that solidified my love for the property. 

Andy and I would stay there again for our wedding when it was the Taj Hotel, occupying a suite overlooking the Boston Public Garden, where our ceremony took place in 2010. In the ensuing years, we’ve made many a pilgrimage there to the Street Bar (the site of pre-wedding-rehearsal cocktails and subsequent lunches) where we would celebrate our anniversaries with a walk through the lobby, examining the flowers and recalling our special times there

Even after the property became the Newbury Boston, it would be a regular haunt whenever I was in town, providing a respite and restroom on the second floor when I would need a break from shopping; I’d pause there and make use of their exquisite Willow soap, bags in tow, and always find a quiet haven just above Newbury Street, which makes my recent visit there so heartbreaking and troubling.

This past weekend, on an annual holiday stroll with my friend Kira, I suggested we stop at the Newbury. I had just passed our large shopping bag to her, as it was her turn to carry it for a moment (and my back was bothering me). We passed The Street Bar where we contemplated a snack, then headed upstairs to wash our hands before looking into whether there was a corner table somewhere. As I waited for Kira to finish in the ladies room, I fiddled on my phone until I heard her being questioned by a security guard outside the bathroom. She was arguing with him so I came over and asked what happened. 

Apparently he asked if she was a guest of the hotel, and when she said she wasn’t he told her he needed to search her bag and she was asking why. After all my years of stopping here I’d never once been questioned or asked to show what was in my bags (and I usually had a lot more than we did on that day). I asked him why he wanted to search her bag, and he said they had had things missing there. We were so taken aback neither of us thought to ask what might be missing from a hotel lobby that would warrant a search, and his attitude was not friendly in the least. He told us he had the right to search our bags no matter what, or he could call the police. At that point I calmly told him I’d like to speak with his manager. The only difference between all the times I frequented the hotel and this one was that my friend – a black female – was holding the bag. That seemed problematic at best, and according to my retired police officer husband a blatant act of racial profiling, so at this point I was bothered and wanted someone else to explain to me why they were searching bags – especially hers. 

After directing us to the front desk, the security person went into the back. I explained the situation to the clerk at the front desk, who said that it sounded strange, and then the manager on duty came out. We explained the situation and I asked why they would want to search my friend’s bag. She said that was definitely not their normal practice and apologized quietly for what happened. I was more shaken by it than Kira was at this point, and I still hadn’t heard an explanation that would adequately justify why her bag got searched and why she was treated so gruffly, other than a quiet apology and an assurance that the manager would talk to her superiors. I left my name, phone number and e-mail, and asked that they contact me with any questions, also mentioning that this incident would probably find its way to my blog, which I also included in my contact info. I haven’t heard back yet. 

This is especially upsetting, as I was just about to book a suite at the Newbury for our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary next spring. If this is how they treat former and future guests, it’s not something I’m going to support. 

UPDATE: The hotel contacted me and offered a lunch credit at their Street Bar. That seems a paltry recompense, so I’ll keep this post up alerting the public to their practices. 

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This Wreath Though

Some wreaths try to do too much.

Take this one – it’s beautiful.

Gorgeous. 

Striking.

Magnifient.

But it’s too extra.

The heart of a wreath should be open – not filled in with berries and bullshit.

Signed,

The Tasteful Holiday Grinch

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Waltzing Through Christmas

“They are two people who seemingly have it all ~ admired and respected, feared and adored ~ yet I don’t think two lonelier people exist…” 

We have reached the point in this holiday season, as we have reached for so many years past, when our protagonist pauses to listen to a melancholy Christmas waltz, indulging in one brief moment of existential crisis before going back to the grind and barreling through it. This year is slightly different, as I haven’t quite decided whether I’m going to slip out of crisis mode or let it all come to a head. If that scares you, please trust that it terrifies the fuck out of me, so we’re not quite alone

Cue the music…

Maybe resurrecting the ‘shades of gray’ project from twenty years ago has stirred up those old ghosts – friendly ghosts – and all ghosts remind of days long gone. I suppose that’s sort of the point of a ghost. They haunt us until we face what we have ghosted. Sometimes they feel especially persistent around the holidays, and the Christmas tree, glowing and mysterious at night, has always been a portal to the past. 

In so many ways, the magic of a Christmas tree has long disappeared from my life, which is sad and strange, because as a child I seemed to adore and appreciate every aspect of its existence more than most. I could lie on the carpeted floor beside it for hours at night, examining the ornaments and branches, studying how the lights were trapped by certain glass balls, and shattered into a thousand sparkles by others. Its scent was intoxicating too – like we had opened the windows to the outdoors at such an inhospitable time of the year and somehow remained warm and comfortable. Sometimes I’d slide beneath the lower boughs, looking up from the base of the trunk, breathing in that lovely pine and feeling part of this world in a way that thrilled and confirmed my existence. There were moments when I froze there, hidden by the tree and whatever early presents had made their way beside me, while my parents or brother would hurry by, not noticing either of us – the tree or me – and I was left in smug reassurance tinged with wonder and worry

These days I leave the tree entirely to Andy, who still feels the magic I once felt, and does his best to share it with me. Most years I’ll finish with the last few ornaments to be hung, but this year I simply didn’t feel like it. Mom gave up on her tree as well, allowing Emi and her boyfriend to decorate it and set it up.

Maybe Christmas belongs to our childhoods.

Maybe I already gave it up years ago.

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A Cozy Christmas Scene

My entirely unorthodox and way-out-of-the-box intention for this holiday season, and the winter beyond, is that it be cozy. A cozy Christmas. Filled with warmth and simplicity, peace and good-will. The most hum-drum and mundane theme one could possibly hope to find in a Christmas season, and yet of late it also seems to be the most elusive. Maybe because we all assume those tenets of the holidays are naturally part of it we forget that it won’t just happen without a little work. Toward that end, I’ve decorated the Boston condo for our annual Holiday Stroll with Kira and the Children’s Holiday Hour (for which we are down to one child this year), and planned a few intimate diners with long-time friends. That is enough for now. 

Our attic has been filled with candles and a simple tree that will glow into January. Adding to our happy holiday intention is the line-up of holiday movies that we’ve been finding on television lately  – ‘A Christmas Story’, ‘Christmas Vacation‘, ‘Aunt Mame’, ‘The Man Who Came to Dinner’, ‘Gremlins’, ‘It Happened on 5th Avenue‘. Ever since we turned off the horrid news channels, the house has been brighter and lighter and so much more enjoyable. I don’t think I realized how heavy and upsetting it was making us – and why we would let something over which we clearly have no control dominate any space in our lives is beyond me. This is refreshingly better. Happier and healthier too. It dovetails with some new boundaries with family and friends, which have made for easier days – it’s so much friendlier with two, and Andy and I have been happily hunkering down for the march to and through winter. 

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An Almost-Winter Moon

Our next full moon is almost due, along with the end of Mercury in retrograde motion – both set to occur on December 15. Until that time, prepare to be maddened by the insanity of all the astrological unease at work, and do your best to harness the energy such heavenly-body motion affords. That it should come right in the midst of the holiday season is traditionally one of life’s little fuck-overs, but at least this one is set to finish before the Christmas finale. Buckle up, buttercups

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Getting Our Stroll On

Friday the 13th be damned, today marks the kick-off to a beloved tradition – my Holiday Stroll weekend with Kira. I’ve added an extra night this year to ease into Boston rather than rush things, as much for an escape as for an opportunity to simply be in the city, instead of hastily moving through it. The holidays are advancing much too swiftly for my liking, and I’m hoping to slow things down, to be fully present in the present moment. It happens this way every year, and every year I get a little better at it, and a little worse. 

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