Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

2017: The Year in Review – Part 1

If we are go by the social media monstrosities of Twitter and FaceBook, and the wretched state of political affairs in this country, 2017 was a dark and grim year, best left in the dust in the hope of a better 2018. Throughout the madness, I’ve striven to keep this small section of the internet a peaceful respite of beauty and tranquility, fun and frivolity, with the occasional dose of serious intent thrown in for good measure. I’m not sure I’ve succeeded, but let’s look back anyway. It’s the only way to move ahead. Besides, some of my favorite people appear here, and that’s always soul-enriching. 

January 2017 ~ 

 

Madonna, Inside Out

Feud.

Eat my banana.

Hawkish.

Tyson Beckford’s naked ass.

 

Pain in the neck.

Mobster music.

Man in Motion

The Delusional Grandeur Tour returned for its final few months (that old thing?), picking up right where it left off: Flower Bomb Balm Part Three, Part Four, Part Five

February 2017 ~

Ahh February. The less said about you, the better.

It cuts like a knife, and I’ve got the blood to prove it. 

A happy homo-anniversary

The brilliance that is Betty Buckley.

Super Bowl jocks & jockstraps on parade

That Zac Efron Freedom Speedo.

My family jewels almost all on display

Proof that I don’t love every single Madonna song in the world

The amazing artwork of Paul Richmond.

Color my ass excited.

Andy Cohen is Super.

Valentine Dance.

Music for the broken-hearted.

Andy as a very cute kid. (And an even-cuter baby.)

An Ilagan family dinner for Mom’s birthday

The ultimate narcissist

Love is pain and pain is art! Show me your graffiti heart!

The Flower Bomb Balm continued: Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight

Hosting Sunday brunch, with help from the Pennsylvania Dutch!

Nick Jonas baring some skin, but not as much as Joe Jonas.

Bang it like Harvey.

One of my favorite reads of the year

My brother turned 40.

Red bark, not once but twice

March 2017 ~ 

In like a lion

Ass Wednesday.

Still the best Madonna album ever. (And still looking good.)

I’m not afraid to look ridiculous for this blog

The forgiving frittata and a delicious lentil soup.

Rainbow bright.

Back to the boulevard after two decades. (And a reunion with an old crush.)

Boys at play.

Harry Judd, fit and fine

Snow blows.

I wanted to be Wonder Woman

#KimptonLove in NYC.

Smell my rhubarb.

Dancing beneath the moon.

A very naked Ashley Parker Angel

It’s only fair to objectify my naked ass in return

Zac Efron’s Speedo just kept giving

More of the 2017 Rear… err, Year in Review to come…

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A Winter Gasp

The 2017 Year in Review begins tonight, so this is one of my last original posts for this calendar year. I call it a gasp because these photos were taken in the harsh light of early day, before I even had a chance to shower or fix my hair. I was heading out to shovel the driveway (another gasp, thank you) but I paused to enjoy the winter wonderland that had arrived just in the St. Nick of time. I’m wearing a vintage parka that I picked up at a huge (70%) discount at Sault in Boston a few years ago. It’s warm and functional, but not as pretty as I’d like. Good fashion is suspended until the return of warmer weather. From here on out it’s Timberlands and hair-wrecking hoods. That’s ok. I need to let my hair down more, to not care about being perfect all the time, to wear my sweats and sneakers to the store. (Gasp again, I own both.) The older I get, the less I care about what others think. And let’s be perfectly honest: I never cared all that much in the first place. A dangerous recipe for any time, but especially troublesome at the end of the year.

PS – Only one small bit of my hair is white because there’s snow in it. The rest I earned in the last few years. I own that. Next up: the recap of all recaps.

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All Tuckered Out

This doll has seen better days, but then again we all have.

It’s seen worse ones too, so this Christmas she is just relaxing and throwing her hands up now that it’s all over until next year.

I know how she feels.

Still, she’s not about to recap an entire year in a trio of posts, so she really has nothing to feel that exasperated about.

Try it on me.

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From Our Christmas Eve to Yours

The magic of Christmas Eve can only barely be captured by these photos, and even less by anything I might try to put into words. Hope yours was as lovely and warm as ours.

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My First (Last?) Soccer Game

About an hour before I was supposed to be at Afrim’s, I texted Sherri and Skip to find out the best way to park in that crazy parking lot. If you are blissfully unaware of what Afrim’s is, I would advise trying to remain that way; it’s that sports monstrosity for kids of all ages near the traffic circle of Albany-Shaker Road. Up until now, it was a site I avoided at all costs, for obvious reasons. But when your nephew is playing in his final soccer game of the season, an Uncle has to make a sacrifice and take one for the team. (Andy claimed to have last-minute shopping to do, so I was on my own.)

Sherri and Skip said to park in the back and walk, to avoid any crazy soccer parents looking for a fight. ‘What land was this?’ I wondered as I found a spot relatively close to the entrance. A messy mix was still falling, and as I stepped out in my L.L. Bean Rubber Boots (all the better to blend in with this slice of suburbia) I noticed that I was walking on a slushy stretch of astroturf. In the parking lot. Forget Kansas, I didn’t even think we were on this planet anymore. I looked back at the Ice Blue Show Queen and waited for further info from Sherri and Skip. (For instance, are flasks outright banned at this kids’ place, or merely frowned upon?) Alas, there was no flask for the driver, so I trudged through the snow and ice in sober fashion.

Inside, a nightmare beyond my wildest imaginings unfurled. Kids, kids, and more kids. Kids of all sizes and shapes, of all ages and stupidity levels, and in every decibel known to the human ear. I knew they would be there, I just wasn’t expecting so many. Roaming in packs or singly stalking the halls, they were everywhere, and I sent up a single prayer to the Sweet Baby Jesus right before his birthday: that I would escape without contracting pinkeye.

There were signs advertising beer – something to give certain parents a glimmer of hope I suppose – but no one was drinking so I wasn’t about to be the poster guy for Bad Gay Uncles (my boots were already bringing down my people). A slight stench permeated the place, not quite as bad as a gym, but not far from it either. An enormous wooden box of ‘Lost & Found’ items, including a whole section of used water bottles, lined one wall. Judging from the contents, they could have dropped the ‘& Found’ portion and called a nasty spade a nasty spade.

Just as I was about to give in to overexposure to kids and holiday exasperation, my nephew and niece bounded in and gave me a quick hug. I saw Noah’s eyes light up when he saw me, and suddenly realized that it mattered that I was there. When a little lesson like that comes at Christmas-time, it means a little more. Noah was gone in a flash, but Emi stayed in the lobby area with me for a bit.

Soon it was time for the game to start. I knew nothing about soccer other than it was what David Beckham did. My brother explained that here the clock didn’t stop like it did in football, and the 20 minutes up on the board would run down regardless of pauses in the game. Finally, something I could really cheer about! Amen to that! My relief might have betrayed more than I wanted, but I didn’t care. Emi complained about how bored she was, but I reminded her that certain people had sat through a six-hour dance recital for her not too long ago. She smiled and went back to watching before the first of a few trips to the bathroom.

The game was actually interesting, even if I was starting to get the sense that their team wasn’t very good. (My brother confirmed this in no uncertain terms.) I was a bit taken aback by how seriously some people were taking it – these are six and seven-year-olds, right? And it probably would have been better in a tiered stadium with beer and hot dogs, but by half-time, or the fifth inning stretch, or whatever the hell they call the damn thing in soccer, I was getting into the groove.

Noah scored two goals this time out, and though I’m biased I also have it on good authority that he is always one of the strongest players. He did his team proud, and afterward I took them out to lunch at Chili’s. Their choice.

On Wolf Road.

On the Saturday two days before Christmas.

Because that’s what a good Uncle does.

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The World In An Ornament

“I felt overstuffed and dull and disappointed, the way I always do the day after Christmas, as if whatever it was the pine boughs and the candles and the silver and gilt-ribboned presents and the birch-log fires and the Christmas turkey and the carols at the piano promised never came to pass.” ~ Sylvia Plath

Inside this globe of glass the air is perfectly still.

Outside, all the light and images of the surrounding room are captured and distorted and thrown back in a confusing confluence of incongruous scenes.

In this week between Christmas and New Year’s, the happy confusion reigns. With the weeks and weeks of build-up and preparation, that it could all be done in a single day seems regrettable. And so we carry it out one more week – and perhaps another after that. Andy is big on ‘Little Christmas’ which I think arrives on January 6, so everything remains up until then. (Truth be told we’ve had a couple of Christmas trees that almost lasted until Valentine’s Day, much to my chagrin.)

For now, the lights are a nice way of dealing with the darkness of winter, even if we’ve turned the corner and the days have begun to grow longer again.

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith

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When A Hunk Turns into an Asshole

Lewis Hamilton had been a Hunk of the Day here based on his success as car racer. That ended when he called out his young nephew for wearing a dress. This is the first time I’m doing this, and normally I wouldn’t be so petty and nonsensical for such a silly feature, but I’m disgusted by what this guy did. At his Christmas gathering he said this to his nephew, who was wearing a pink dress (as kids regardless of sexuality sometimes do): “I’m so sad right now. Look at my nephew. Why are you wearing a princess dress? Is this what you got for Christmas? Why did you ask for a princess dress for Christmas?” He then screams, “Boys don’t wear princess dresses!!” while this little boy (thankfully) seems to laugh it off. It was posted on Hamilton’s Instagram feed. The boy seemed to laugh, but don’t think for one moment that it didn’t sting. And don’t think I won’t call any asshole out who does that to a child. Hey, Lewis Hamilton, real men don’t degrade little boys like that. Fuck off.

PS – Guys in fur shouldn’t talk about boys in dresses. 

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A Merry Recap

While the rest of you may have the rest of the week off, I go back to work tomorrow, and I must say I’m not dreading it. I love Christmas as much as the next guy, but by the time it all goes down I’m ready to move on. Like so much else, it’s all about the build-up and anticipation. The actual event, and when that sweet Baby Jesus starts bawling, is a bit of a let-down. Let’s go back to before, when it was all possibility and yet-to-be…

I took a bit of a social media sabbatical to focus on the holidays at hand, and that’s always a stress-reliever. 

We turned the calendar page to winter, and everything’s as if we never said goodbye

The 3rd Annual Boston Children’s Hour took place, and instead of an hour it lasted an entire weekend. (And in the end it was freaking awesome.)

It felt like Christmas all over again

William Goodge, Ricky Whittle, Brandon Myers, and Dan Edgar comprised the holiday hunks of the week, while Pietro Boselli and Tom Daley provided the holiday guy candy. 

In a very short time I’ll begin working on the Year in Review, which will be up in a few days. In the meantime, for those of you lucky enough to be home and bored this week, check out the last few years of mayhem and magic:

The Year That Was 2016: Part One, Part Two, Part ThreePart Four

The Year That Was 2015: Part One, Part TwoPart Three

The Year That Was 2014: Part One, Part Two, Part Three

The Year That Was 2013: Part One, Part Two, Part Three

The Year That Was 2012: Part One, Part Two

 

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Merry Christmas from Tom Daley

Tom Daley gets to wake before those of us in America, so this Merry Christmas message is from him and his low-hanging mistletoe. That’s all I got for Christmas: clickbait. Still, it’s better than coal. Go make your own merry. Come back tonight for a recap…

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Christmas All Over Again

Some unfortunate souls still haven’t finished their Christmas shopping yet, and to them I say… well, I’m not going to say anything. It’s the season of giving, so consider that my gift to all humankind. I’ve already done my shopping bit, and as much as I love it, it does bring back memories of entering the maelstrom of the retail world just prior to Christmas. If you think it’s a nightmare being a shopper at this time of the year, it’s nothing compared to being a retail worker.

Back in the 90’s, during an epic stint at Structure, my managers wanted me working the floor as much as possible, so I got to know the holiday soundtrack quite well. The day after Thanksgiving that holiday tape started its non-stop rotation. It began with ‘All I Want For Christmas is You’ and went downhill from there. Yet somehow the repetition didn’t wear me down, and it didn’t dull my love for Christmas songs (with the possible exception of that “you mean you forgot cranberries too?” awfulness).

What got me through it all was the shared camaraderie of my co-workers and managers. The stress and excitement and mixed bag of the holiday shopping season bound us all together. It made me feel a part of something, a notion that had eluded me all my life, and something that would haunt and taunt me for years. Finally, I was one of the group, and it was us against the buying world. Our weapons were charm and grace and poise under pressure. Our enemies were the hapless, selfish, and ignorant consumers – the ones who expected you to find a suit that shaved fifty pounds from their body and was on sale for 120% off. We fought this common enemy by doing our damnedest to bring them comfort and joy. It was a delicate and often difficult balancing act, but I genuinely think we were all buoyed by the Christmas spirit.

Some did complain, but secretly I thrilled at where I was and what I got to go. Working at a clothing store was a gay boy’s dream come true. It was where I cut my fashion teeth, and how I learned about the evils of pleated pants firsthand. It was also located in the heart of Boston, fulfilling a lifelong dream. When I was a little boy, we’d occasionally visit Faneuil Hall just after the holidays. We were on vacation and the decorations were still up, so I have fond memories of that holiday glow, the bustling food hall, and the rows of bull markets lining the cobblestone paths. Those memories were joined with the new ones I made during my holiday seasons at Structure. I was on the inside looking out, at last.

Both sides were pretty cool at Christmas.

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Shirtless Santa: Pietro Boselli

Stunning math-teacher-turned-model Pietro Boselli is selling more goods without the Santa suit, and since we’re in the season of giving, here is a gift to anyone who appreciates some cheeky male beauty. Mr. Boselli was recently posing without a shred of stitches here, without a shirt here, and in his underwear here. All are worth a revisit.

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When Winter Has Come

We turn the seasonal page to winter, because the sooner we start it the sooner it will end. With all of our cold weather of the past few weeks we should have had time to prepare, but it’s still a sad, bleak dirge until the promise of spring. During such time, I find it best to focus on beauty. Stillness. Peace. Winter carries its own enchantment and charm, it’s just less flashy, more somber. Its color palette is limited, but that also means it’s a little calmer. It demands a more refined viewing, where an appreciation of slight nuances and delicately-shaded textures reveals layers of previously-unrealized prettiness.

There are days of blue sky too, often in the aftermath of a snowstorm, when the sun reflects off all the snow and the world is brighter than any summer day. These are the unexpected delights of the season. Little jewels among the wreckage. Let’s see what else we might find…

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In the Wake of Children

Scene: 3 AM, on a squeaky pull-out bed in the living room of the condo, Kira is coughing next to me. The street light from Braddock Park spills in through the high windows, and my body is rebelling against such sleeping conditions at such an advanced age. My mind races to decipher the unlikely predicament in which I find myself, and a Christmas song plays quietly on the stereo. How did we ever get here? I haven’t been this disoriented in the condo since the party days of my youth, following a holiday get-together that found various friends strewn about the place, groggily waking in various states of togetherness.

On this morning, Chris and his four-year-old slept soundly in the queen bed of the bedroom. Kira had insisted we give it up after the boy went in early and we stayed up to talk. Now we were stuck on the wire-springs of the pull-out couch, not getting any quality sleep, and doing our best to stay warm. Another coughing fit woke Kira, so I got up and put on some tea; she swears that a hot cup of the stuff, along with some honey and cinnamon, quells any cough. I poured her a mug, then dove back under the heavy winter blanket and prayed for sleep to return.

Sleep did not return until the baby was already up, but he stayed in the bedroom peacefully occupied with headphones and a cartoon while his Daddy slept. I was in no rush to move, so we stole a few more moments of fitful shut-eye before finally giving up the ghost of meaningful rest.

Kira and I rose, and eventually everyone joined us so we could head off to brunch. The day was brilliant – sunny with blue skies – and after brunch we saw Kristen and Julia off, then Chris wanted to take Simon to Harvard. There’s something very touching about a father showing off his Alma Mater to his son.

Thanks to the Red Line issues on December weekends, Kira and I had foregone what had become a favorite component of our Holiday Stroll: a trip to Cambridge. We hopped in the car Chris ordered and averted any T snafus, thus enabling us to keep the tradition alive. We would be able to browse the shops between Harvard and Porter Squares after all.

On good days, the universe will deliver an unexpected gift to those of us who may have thought such a delight had passed. On that morning, we arrived in Cambridge, bid adieu to the last child of the Boston Children’s Holiday Hour (which had somehow lengthened into a weekend), and Kira and I set off in the direction of Porter Square.

We stopped in our usual haunts, then had a final pho meal to close out the weekend – a neat little bookend to mirror the start of the whole thing. I reminded Kira of how our soup time on Friday had kicked it all off, and how we would look back at its quiet and calm with fondness when things were hectic and crazy. We had a second moment of similar quietude now, and embraced it. We lingered there, not wanting to go back to our real lives just yet, trying instead to stretch Sunday just a little longer. It turned out that our Boston holiday adventures were not quite over for the year.

Ever since she returned from Florida to the winterscape of Boston, Kira has been wanting to go ice skating. Still traumatized from an ice skating incident at Schenectady when I was a child, I’ve always politely encouraged her to do so, with someone else. On our first few holiday strolls, we would somehow end up passing a make-shift skating rink, where people were giddily gliding by, enticing Kira with their fluid motion and seemingly-easy turns on the ice.

I was never fooled.

On our most recent holiday excursion, we passed a rink at Government Center. Entranced, Kira watched the skaters go by, while I looked around for some sort of hot toddy stand (to no avail). We didn’t get into the skates then, and I thought we had escaped the scene for the season.

After making our way to the Red Line, knowing we would need to shuttle-bus it beyond Kendall, we did that damn thing and rode the bus to Charles MGH, where we hopped off and took a leisurely walk along the antique stores and gift shops near Beacon Hill. The best holiday strolls are the impromptu and unplanned ones. We crossed into the Boston Public Garden, and the little pond in the middle had not been drained. A thick layer of smooth ice lay darkly and expansively before us, and a few people rushed by on skates, and off them. Kira squealed with delight, and I knew this was her destiny. She hastened onto the ice, carefully sliding along in her sneakers and begging me to take a picture. She beckoned me to join her, but when I looked at the edge, I could see water coming up through cracks in the ice, and the thought of crashing through and having to walk all the way home in freezing wet shoes kept me off of it. Kira didn’t mind – she took a few spins and had her ice skating moment.

We crossed the bridge and looked at the lights beginning to come out as the sky dimmed. It was a perfect holiday afternoon, and a lovely end to our holiday weekend. We traveled along Newbury for a bit then crossed over to Boylston. At the Lenox, we paused for a fireside break and one last moment of peace and holiday contemplation.

That night, I would return to my quiet life: a still house, a Christmas tree that Andy had installed while I was away, and a comfortable bed. 

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The 3rd Annual Boston Children’s Holiday Hour(s) – Part 2

‘Christmas in a Glass’ is Jamie Oliver’s nickname for his mulled wine recipe, and if it’s good enough for The Naked Chef, it’s good enough for me. It’s certainly fine for staving off a cold December day and warming the cockles of the heart in seasonal jubilation. And when your child is drinking hot chocolate and eating fifty marshmallows before devouring a chocolate spoon, you need a little something to take the edge off.

I’d combined the dry ingredients with the sugar for a couple of days beforehand (making for an easier traveling plan) and the white granules got to soak in all the fragrance and flavor from the freshly-spliced vanilla bean, freshly-ground nutmeg, cinnamon stick, bay leaves and star anise. That alone was heavenly, but when you added the peels of clementines, a lemon and a lime, it was better than a Yankee Candle.

I loved the idea of being the warming stop after a day of Boston exploration, and the condo has always been a cozy place perfect for just such a scenario. Our little guests began arriving, and Suzie volunteered to pick up some last minute food provisions (I provide the hot drinks and fancy footwear – the rest is always up in the air).

(The family that wears the same coats together, stays together.)

As the hours passed, the hot chocolate was devoured, holiday hedgehogs were crafted, Christmas crackers were pulled open with a pop, and the kids made up a game that involved running between rooms. It was the most raucous the condo had been in some time and I was grateful to have had the foresight to invite the twinfants in the condo below to visit at any time. (The key to any party where you don’t want the police called prematurely.)

The light outside went down, while inside the condo candles flickered, Christmas music played, and the sounds of children screaming with laughter (and the occasional bump) filled the normally silent space. At the end of it (and it was a good five-hour stretch) I was drained but giddy with their infectious seasonal excitement. That’s the real reason for the season.

We’d survived another Boston Children’s Holiday Hour, and I was better for it.

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The 3rd Annual Boston Children’s Holiday Hour(s) – Part 1

Despite all outward appearances to the contrary, I lead a largely quiet and calm life. Whatever anyone else makes of my social media shenanigans and website outrageousness, however outlandish my outfits or accessories may get, my day-to-day existence is a rather peaceful one. (That’s the beauty of an outlet like this – I save all the drama for this space and work it out through words and self-analysis, so the rest of my life can sail by relatively uneventfully.)

For my possibly-annual Boston Children’s Holiday Hour, however, I suspend that quiet life for an afternoon of holiday mayhem and celebration and invite the growing cadre of children in my friends’ orbit over for hot chocolate and revelry. Their parents are in tow, so we offer grown-up libations for them, and then before I reach the end of my fraying rope of sanity, we order dinner in, appease the hangry bellies, and send everyone off in more-or-less satiated form. Mostly, though, it nourishes my faith in humanity. My friends are raising some amazing children, and it’s a wonderful thing to watch them interact at this time of the year.

To pull it off, however, requires some planning and preparation – my two favorite things. I did not have to do it alone, thankfully, as Kira stayed around for the whole thing, starting with some preparation the night before, in the form of this holiday libation. Things just run smoother when gin is involved.

The first task, one I had executed a couple of weeks ago, was to find a gift for each child. This is not really a big deal, and I stumbled inadvertently upon a hot-ticket item for kids, or so I’ve been told: magic sequins. I’ve been wearing sequins for years, so I’m not sure why they’re suddenly all the rage, but hey, anytime the drag queens can reach a youthful audience it’s a good thing. (They would also match my shoes for the evening so it worked on every level.)

Then there were the crafts/toys that needed to be on hand to occupy their time while the adults mingled over mulled wine and other things. A holiday hedgehog kit works wonders for such a task (though I warn any novice child-herders to make note of the fine print – you’re going to need glue, glue sticks, scissors, markers, string, a strand of magic beans, and some other nonsense to make full use of the not-so-all-inclusive-$20 ‘kit’, most of which an adult condo in Boston is lacking). I also procured a dozen holiday gift ‘crackers’, the kind you pull apart to release a plastic piece of crap (a yo-yo or protractor or tissue-paper crown for example).

Finishing the scene were the ingredients and accoutrements for the libations. Citrus, spices, and cinnamon sticks for the mulled wine; chocolate mix, mini-marshmallows and chocolate spoons for the hot chocolate.

Kira and I went to bed watching Lidia Bastianich make a plum gnocchi dish, then fell asleep to the first part of ‘Love Actually’.

The next day we finished up our Christmas shopping and took the T to Chinatown for a bowl of pho before the festivities. As we sat there sipping our soup and stirring in the sriracha sauce, I remarked that we needed to enjoy the calm before the storm. In a few hours there would be kids and sugar, and the riotous excitement that the season brings. I also said we may end up looking back at that moment and realizing it was one of the best of the weekend. She laughed it all off. Having raised two girls of her own, she was looking forward to witnessing Uncle Alan woefully out of his element. We finished our soup and hurried out.

The children were coming…

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