Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Shades of Nude

For the longest time I fought against the fashion notion of nudes. The shade I mean (obviously, as I have no issue with nudity – my own or anyone else’s for that matter). In fact, nakedness has always been celebrated here. But for fashion choices, the palette of nudes that has been so popular in recent years has always seemed a little dull and safe for my taste.

The only way to combat that is to add a little Tom Ford label (his underwear collection incorporates various nude shades) and some sequins and ostrich feathers. If you must drape yourself in nudes, you might as well sparkle and float in the air. The hint of the outfit here will give you an idea of how I’m planning on hosting this weekend’s Children’s Holiday Hour in Boston. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they don’t deserve something fabulous.

I’ll wear it again for a more low-key gathering this season. With accents of rose gold, even I can work a nude attitude.

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Midnight Crux

On the border of the midpoint of the month, this midnight marks the halfway-demarcation of December. We have not yet begun winter officially, which is a bit of a drag. How can we get to the end when we haven’t even started yet? Not to worry, in less than a week we will be there, the beginning of that cold and barren stretch of time where we mark the days and hunker down in bundled-up misery. Andy and I will become even more home-bound, filling the weekends with the cooking of soups and comfort food, the dishes that take hours to slowly braise, inviting friends and family over to join, or simply enjoying the quiet snow-bound hours with ourselves. Winter must be handled delicately. Mind over matter.

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15 Years & 15 Favorite Posts

In honor of this website’s fifteenth anniversary, Skip suggested I do a ’15 Best Posts’ collection highlighting what I’ve created here. While the archives only go back to 2010 (I hated keeping extra posts around and would simply delete them all and start over every year for the first decade or so – oops!) there have been some decent and worthy entries in the last few years to make this compilation possible. I don’t know if I’d call them the best – ‘favorite’ might be a better term – but everyone loves a simple superlative, so for Skip’s sake here are the Top 15, in no particular order:

  1. Drowned WorldIt’s impossible for me to choose my favorite Madonna Timeline – how do you choose a favorite child? And among such sparkling jewels as ‘Vogue,’ ‘Like A Prayer,’ ‘Express Yourself,’ ‘Ray of Light,’ ‘Live to Tell,’ ‘Crazy For You,’ ‘Erotica,’ ‘Survival,’ ‘Music‘ and ‘Rebel Heart‘ it was difficult finding the one single emblematic song to represent my life-long love affair with Madonna. The entry for ‘Drowned World: Substitute for Love‘ may come closest.
  2. Twisted Sleighride ~ Since we’re in the season, this Christmas-tinged memory is a happy childhood memory, even with its undercurrent of winter mystery.
  3. Heart of Sequins ~ From a very young age I knew I was different. A few others saw it as well and celebrated who I was before I even realized it.
  4. Why I Get Naked Here ~ The title says it, even if I’ve toned down those skin-baring ways.(After years of indulgence and gym-avoidance, it’s better to let the male celebrities get naked and nude for the time being.)
  5. Moon and FagWhile matriculating at Brandeis, I thought I made a new friend. Until he said the f-word.
  6. The First Time I Kissed A Guy ~Bittersweet and brutal, you never forget your first.
  7. Straight Ally Profile: Skip Montross ~ Kicking off a limited-series of Straight Allies, this profile of my friend Skip marked my Reddit debut, portraying the many levels of a gay guy/straight guy friendship.
  8. Gay Couple Profile ~Two photographs taken years apart sparked this sweet telling of one fine romance.
  9. Lessons in Painting ~ Chronicling my first few days transforming the Boston condo with the help of my favorite Uncle. 
  10. A Secret Kept for Two Decades ~ The secret I held in silence for too long. 
  11. Saddle Shoes and Shame ~ Once upon a time I was not so brave in wearing whatever I wanted. 
  12. Remembering the Art in a Hot Shower ~ Memories of a seventh grade art class come flooding back in the warmth of a hot shower. 
  13. The End of My Delusions ~ The grand finale to ‘The Delusional Grandeur Tour,’ this relatively-simple post encapsulates that long-winding journey. 
  14. A Summer Break ~ The first summer I took off from blogging began with this ending. Of course I came back as promised, but I definitely missed it. 
  15. A New Year ~ Last but not least, this was the start of our 15th year of ALANILAGAN.com. 

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Nine Children & Nine Adults

Today marks this year’s Boston Children’s Holiday Hour, and it looks to be one of the largest we’ve ever thrown, with eighteen people cramming into the two-room condo (one room of which will be off-limits ever since a knocked-over candle wax mishap – karma for my brother and I spilling a candle-lit potpourri pot at the Ko house as kids). That means eighteen people in one room and a mini-kitchen. It will work. It has to. I’m not sure about the clean-up, but Suzie won’t leave me high and dry, especially since the sink will be filled with water as it doesn’t quite drain properly. Ahh, mayhem at the holidays

Other than the larger influx of my favorite people, the event will pretty much remain the same: families are encouraged to explore Boston for the first part of the day, and when that magical siesta hour approaches (3 PM or thereabouts) they’re welcome to stop in for some hot chocolate and marshmallows, mulled wine (Christmas-in-a-glass), and general merry-making. To make dinner plans easier, we’ll either order a pizza and/or send the festive troops on their way. The company is what makes this holiday hour(s) so fun, and since I haven’t seen some of these wonderful folks in a couple of years, it’s going to be a grand reunion. They will be coming in from all over: Albany, Detroit, Washington, Syracuse – and even South Africa. I hope Boston can handle all the bonhomie.

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Holiday Levity

As an antidote to this morning’s brutally honest post, I give you this light-hearted piece of whimsy. Everyone loves making fun of a T. rex’s shortcomings, so have at it.

In the words of Karen Walker, it’s funny cause it’s sad.

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Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series

The days of three-way calling are long gone.

Still, I remember them with a smile.

Click twice.

#TinyThreads

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Christmas Reality Check

This is not a feel-good Christmas post.

If you’ve come here looking for holiday spirit or happiness, move along.

Seriously, keep going. Do not pause here. Do not read further. Come back another time. Closed.

Anyone who remains is going to get an earful of Christmas sass and a slap of cold hard truth.

When I was a kid, my favorite television episodes were those that had a holiday theme to them. Some tied in little variations of the Scrooge story, some threw in the birth of Jesus, some just made their usually-snarky villains experience a momentary reprieve from their evil ways – a softening and brief suspension of their otherwise-integral shit-stirring.

I loved these episodes because they made it seem like Christmas had the power to change an asshole from an asshole into a decent person. They made me believe that redemption was possible, that it was never too late to become “nice” and “good” and all that stuff. And for one shining sitcom/drama moment, maybe it was.

The funny thing about this televised version of Christmas, as well as the real-life commercialized extravaganza itself, is that for that one moment you start to believe that most of the world is good, that most people will, if given the choice, do the right thing. And it makes you feel good.

Then a day passes.

Then two.

Soon it’s New Year’s Day and all you do is make wishes for your own self, your own wants, your own resolutions and desires. You forget the good that Christmas briefly brought. You forget and you forget and all that is left is some dim memory of happiness that you will attempt to rekindle next year.

There are worse things, I suppose. But not after you realize what you’re doing. Not after you realize how it works, how hollow it all ends up being. Once you realize that, you are complicit and guilty of the game. That’s why some people have children, I imagine. To start it all over again. To try to make the good stick. To try to make the good into something real and lasting.

But it isn’t.

It wasn’t.

It never will be.

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Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series

Me, at work: “I think my hearing’s going. Thank God.”

#TinyThreads

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In the Heart of a Christmas Tree

When I was a little boy, one of my favorite things to do in the days leading up to Christmas was to crawl beneath the Christmas tree when it was lit at night and look up into the branches. From this interior vantage point, I was both secretly concealed (I always liked to be hidden) and afforded views no one else had. I was within looking out, and that’s one of the best views to have.

Behind the thick exterior of pine needles, the inside area opened up. Where less light reached, a thinning of branches occurred. Foliage wise, the interior of a Christmas tree can be hollow. One could see clearly the beauty of the trunk, the architecture of the branches and the congealed rivulets of sap. One could follow in the footsteps of chipmunks and squirrels, tracing how they might climb and disperse to evade predators, or where they might hide their plunder. Illuminated by Christmas lights, the natural beauty of the tree found particular splendor. I stayed there, pondering the prettiness of the season, holding onto my childhood because I already knew that life would only get more difficult. 

The heart of a tree is a private place, and only in such secrecy could I be comfortable enough to show my pain.

This year I remembered the balm of being in the midst of such beauty.  On a night otherwise filled with sadness, I pulled a pillow from the couch and worked my way under the lower limbs of the tree. I looked up and into the branches closest to the trunk. This tree that I’d grown for fourteen years, this perfectly-imperfect piece of nature and wonder – it held its sharp needles tightly to itself, as dearly as I held onto childhood memories. 

No matter how old I get, there is still wonder and pain there. Here. 

Beneath the prickly boughs, salty gratitude and anger like the sea rolled over my face.

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Holiday Gift Idea: M’s Handmade Boxes

When the junk drawer spills over its allotted space, or the bedside table begins dropping spare change, pens, and collar points with every push of the snooze button, it’s time to pocket the debris and put it into something pretty. Enter M’s Handmade Boxes. Created with care and precision by her own hands, the boxes that Meredith Butler makes are works of art that double as functional storage space. These are exquisite pieces of handmade beauty that make ideal gifts during this holiday season – and any time of the year for that matter. 

Meredith makes 17 different styles of boxes at the moment, with paper procured from around the world – Japan, Brazil, England, India, Nepal, Zimbabwe and the United States. She’s used everything from a vibrant Nepalese gingko pattern to maps of familiar places such as Boston, Venice, New York, Chicago, London and San Francisco. Birdcages and plum blossoms adorn practical tissue covers, while some of the square boxes look like gloriously-bound books – perhaps a nod to her work in a Library Preservation Laboratory. That experience informs the carefully-crafted and curated collection of boxes Butler has assembled. 

Some tell us a story, some are simply soothing to see. Some have compartments, divided by further beauty, while some have insides that are more pretty than their outsides. An oblong box featuring Katazome Blue Leaves is lined elegantly with navy book cloth; a group of intriguing triangular containers can be made with tassels or ribbon. Each one is a unique creation as worthy of exhibition as they are of usefulness. 

In a time of clutter and distraction, a pretty box is a sure-fire solution for gaining a sense of order, and maintaining organization with something beautiful. This is also a perfect find for those looking for  meaningful work of beauty and art. When human hands have taken the time and care to conjure something full of delight, a bit of that spirit imbues each piece. The world needs more of that kind of magic.

{This weekend, Meredith will be bringing her handmade boxes to the CraftHoliday Boston event taking place at the Hynes Convention Center. A detailed schedule of her other shows, along with a gorgeous collection of her work, may be found at her website for M’s Handmade Boxes.}

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Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series

Rarely does anything good come of a text thread with more than five people on it.

#WhittleMeThis

#TinyThreads

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In Truth, Freedom

“I’ll bury my grief deep inside me and I’ll make it so secret and obscure that you won’t even have to take the trouble to sympathize with me.” ~ Alexandre Dumas, ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’

It is said that revenge is a dish best served cold. I don’t know what that even means, and I honestly don’t even care. What does strike my interest is the glorious tale of revenge and redemption found within ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ by Alexandre Dumas, and I highly recommend it if you’re looking for a classic to see you through the winter months.

As for what brought the above quote into my mind after all these years, one day I’ll tell the story. I’ll tell all the stories. And the ones that I no longer remember will be carried on by the younger people who were there and who saw what I saw. My faults may be many, but brutal honesty is a virtue. It lies in wait and will not be eradicated. Like the Count himself, it will rise and return from the ashes of distraction and destruction. It will herald its truth and shed the long-held dusty remnants of what was always wrong.

“Moral wounds have this peculiarity – they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.” ~ Alexandre Dumas, ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’

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Fourteen Years to Rise, A Few Seconds to Fall

The journey that brought us to this year’s Christmas tree began about fourteen years ago. We had only been in our home for a short time and the front yard was still a barren wasteland devoid of character or anything other than standard yew and juniper fare. The lawn tumbled rather ungracefully to the street, so the main view one had when surveying things from the front door was an expanse of dark pavement. To break this up, I planted an island of three specimens: a Chinese dogwood, a Chamaecyparis, and a tiny foot-tall blue spruce. Between this and the street I planted a long row of Thuja ‘Steeplechase’ – about a dozen.

I knew the spruce would eventually outgrew the space, but it would take a while – at least a decade – and I couldn’t see that far ahead back then, so in it went. The first few years it stayed relatively small, with only a few new puffs of soft blue-gray needles appearing each spring. It also had enough room to develop a decent coniferous form. When it was about five or six, it was the perfect size for a strand or two of Christmas lights, so I ran an extension cord all the way down the lawn and lit it up.

Eventually though, as all babies and children do, it grew up. The neighboring dogwood had grown too, as had the Chamaecyparis (which I’d had to cut down a few years ago thanks to its size and unruliness). The blue spruce was reaching true Christmas-tree size. Whether utilized as such or not, it would need to be taken out. The dogwood was already bending its beautiful limbs around it, and where it refused to yield the spruce was making motions against its pretty form.

For the last two years, I’ve been promising to cut it down and bring it in for Christmas, but each time something came up. This year my co-worker Heath said he had a chainsaw (gas and oil-powered!) and could make quick work of cutting it down. Since it was about ten feet tall, I pruned off the lower branches, marked off a suitable place to cut, and had Heath over after work to make it all fall down. After planning and picturing it for years, the actual event was woefully anti-climactic. The mighty spruce was felled in a few seconds, and Heath leveled the stump at the ground. It was as if no spruce occupied the space for all those years. The tricks of time. The wonder of nature. The weight of the world.

We propped it up in the garage, where it lowered its boughs gloriously, seeming to expand before our eyes. It would require additional pruning to bring it to a manageable size, but it was, in my eyes, practically perfect. Proud as a parent and a peacock, I remembered how small it was when I planted it in our front yard. I thought of all it had seen – all the summers and springs and winters, all the guests and family and friends who had paraded by, all the games of hide and seek with my niece and nephew. It was a special tree, and it was getting a special send-off.

Draped with lights and decorations, it takes pride-of-place in our living room, scenting the whole house with its gloriously fresh pine fragrance – the perfume that only Christmas can conjure. So much lovelier than dismembering it into a bunch of brown lawn bags come the spring.

(Many thanks to Heath and his chainsaw for making it happen!)

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A Fruitcake. Yes, A Fruitcake.

They were ubiquitous at Christmas and for many months thereafter in my childhood home, so perhaps that’s why I have such a nostalgic longing for a proper Collin Street Bakery fruitcake, Deluxe style. It took me a few years to get into them, and then I was obsessed for a while. I forgot about them until a co-worker from my John Hancock days in Boston said he LOVED fruitcake and if my parents had one he would love it. Their friends had moved on to better things by then, but it got me hankering for one. That craving is back in effect now. Let me know if you need my address.

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A Festive Weekly Recap

The holidays are in full swing here, with gatherings and parties and good cheer. Around this time, the stress tends to get to me, as much as I have planned and plotted, and everything comes so quickly I have to remind myself to stop, honor and enjoy the moment, and remember what really matters. A quick look back then, before we re-enter season of hustle and bustle…

Some office humor, and how to read my e-mails

Holiday retail fun

Rainbows and unicorns. That’s all.

Holiday bros

A rosemary pomegranate cocktail

Christmas greens

The 2018 Holiday Stroll: Part One, Part Two and Part Three

Follow these #TinyThreads to deeper thoughts. 

Hunks of the Day included Dave Marshall (seen in the featured pics here), Brad PaisleyBaptiste Giabiconi, Kevin HartGonçalo Teixeira and Jarrod Spector.

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