Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

It was autumn of 2002. Andy and I were on one of our fall trips to Ogunquit, Maine. I was browsing in an antique store when the proclamation came over the radio. Between an ancient case of costume jewelry and a box of plastic-covered sepia-toned movie posters, I paused as the announcement interrupted the music. America was going to war. It struck me how old-fashioned the world suddenly felt. Even though this was the era before FaceBook and Twitter and social media as we now ubiquitously know it, an emergency message over the radio felt like a nostalgic throwback to another time. The imminent war also heralded the return of American soldiers to losing their lives in such regularity that we would become numb to it.

By the time the spring of 2003 arrived, the country had reconciled itself to a fate that felt impossible to escape. Duped by the war-happy GOP-led administration, national pride in the aftermath of 9/11 led to all sorts of evil decisions and hapless public support. Despite the objections of sensible people, despite the unnecessary cost of a war based on unreliable data and outright lies, America embarked upon a War on Terror – a war which is being waged to this very day. Such was the battle-drawn background of Madonna’s ‘American Life’ album, and the scene into which the lead single of the same name was dropped.

DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME? 
WILL IT GET ME FAR? 
SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT? 
AM I GONNA BE A STAR?

Spring was in the air – it smelled of possibility, of hope, and of a new beginning. I had been working at the Thruway Authority in an office full of men – a far cry and another world away from the office I had left, which had been filled mostly with women. I had free parking about 50 feet from the building entrance and was able to drive myself to work – a luxury of independence that I both cherished and fought against. (It’s nice to be driven around, especially in the cruel cold of winter or the blazing heat of summer; coming out to a car parked in an unsheltered lot all day in either situation is a pain in the ass.)

I was somewhat new to the job, and as I moved up in my state career every fresh start would be familiar territory, though never comfortable. It’s tough to be the new guy in the office, especially in your early 20’s. Shot through with insecurity, I leaned on my go-to inspiration for all those times when an extra dose of confidence was needed: Madonna. Her new album was being released, and after the block-buster success of her last musical endeavor, the ‘Music‘ album, it seemed she was ripe for a full-on embrace of Mirwais, the French electro-pop genius whose stuttering, vocoder-heavy work was the sound of the future.

I TRIED TO BE A BOY, 
I TRIED TO BE A GIRL 
I TRIED TO BE A MESS, 
I TRIED TO BE THE BEST 
I GUESS I DID IT WRONG, 
THAT’S WHY I WROTE THIS SONG 
THIS TYPE OF MODERN LIFE – IS IT FOR ME? 
THIS TYPE OF MODERN LIFE – IS IT FOR FREE?

Once upon a time, controversy meant nothing but success for Madonna. Think the ‘Like A Virgin‘ scandal, the ‘Papa Don’t Preach‘ maelstrom, the’Like A Prayer‘ explosion, the ‘Justify My Love‘ brouhaha, the ‘Erotica‘ album and ‘Sex‘ book – all of them were controversial and sometimes polarizing, and all were more or less splashy successes. (Even if some were critically drubbed, all of them made Madonna a pretty penny.)

When ‘American Life’ came on the scene, at such a questionable time of war and American pride, it found Madonna uncharacteristically pulling the video to avoid the commercial death of the Dixie Chicks who had had the audacity to criticize President Bush. The mind reels at such an innocent thought. Madonna made a wise decision in that respect, but the damage had been done, and mainstream radio turned on her, and has yet to really come back. Strangely enough, the song ‘American Life’ is not, in itself, overtly political. Madonna herself hasn’t always been broadly political – she’s usually followed the egotist’s path of being personally political. Despite its outward trappings and video, the song is more of a personal exploration of Madonna’s own way of living in the American landscape, seen at a different vantage point after having spent some time in England.

SO, I WENT INTO A BAR LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY 
A LITTLE COMPANY – I TRIED TO FIND A FRIEND 
IT’S MORE EASILY SAID IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME 
THIS TYPE OF MODERN LIFE – IS IT FOR ME? 
THIS TYPE OF MODERN LIFE – IS IT FOR FREE? 

In retrospect, the album has shifted and evolved in how it was, and has been, received and perceived. Initial reviews were, generally, positive. As is my wont, I raved and raptured over it, proclaiming it Madonna’s electronic pastoral, and most of the songs still hold up quite well. But after the first flush of fleeting success (it debuted at #1) and an impressive round of promotional appearances (witness her record store performances and that MTV special) it quickly plummeted, and the lead single barely cracked the top forty. Much of the problematic stuff and negative reports stemmed from the â’American Life’ single, which was blazingly wonky and brilliantly imperfect. Most people panned the rap portion of the song; I found it charming enough (she rapped in ‘Vogue’ too and no one batted a perfectly-shaded eye). The juxtaposition of electro-clash noise with the gentle strumming of an acoustic guitar proved too much for listeners and were perhaps just too far ahead of their time.

AMERICAN LIFE 
I LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM 
YOU ARE THE BEST THING I’VE SEEN, 
YOU ARE NOT JUST A DREAM

Hindsight and factual reports of those early years of the new millennium reveal the terrifying depth to which the American public was so criminally deceived by the Republicans in power. It was over a decade and a half ago, but so much rings so true today. It’s exhausting and disappointing to think of how little we have evolved, and how the basic tenets of evil – fear, greed, and a desire for power – continue to coalesce and corrupt our world. In this age of our illegitimate President, the American ambition portrayed in this song is indeed not just a dream.

I TRIED TO STAY AHEAD,
I TRIED TO STAY ON TOP 
I TRIED TO PLAY THE PART,
BUT SOMEHOW I FORGOT 
JUST WHAT I DID IT FOR 
AND WHY I WANTED MORE 
THIS TYPE OF MODERN LIFE – IS IT FOR ME? 
THIS TYPE OF MODERN LIFE – IS IT FOR FREE?

That said, politics rarely makes for good music. Not the kind I’m interested in hearing anyway. I need something more personal, more resonant to the human experience. To that end, ‘American Life’ is masterful, portraying the seeds of doubt and insecurity that can lead to world domination or oblivion. There’s a dangerously fine line between them. When removed from its incendiary video, the song is rife with self-doubt and tension. Just when you think it might resolve or dissolve into something resembling resolution, the sonic swords strike again, musical guns on blast, and the battle for dominance re-engages.

DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME? 
WILL IT GET ME FAR? 
SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT? 
AM I GONNA BE A STAR? 
AMERICAN LIFE 
I LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM 
YOU ARE THE BEST THING I’VE SEEN, 
YOU ARE NOT JUST A DREAM

Coming off of two successful albums (‘Ray of Light‘ and ‘Music‘) Madonna found herself at an interesting cross-road. Rather than playing things safe, she dove deeper into the brilliant madness of Mirwais and his musical mayhem, fully embracing the producer’s futuristic hand while tempering it all with her growing guitar obsession. In that sense, the ‘American Life’ album was an artistically bold move. The title track and lead single encapsulated all of it. There was a decent beat, once it kicked it, and the dance remixes would bounce along at racing BPM, but the song and the album weren’t made for dancing. America wasn’t in the mood to dance, and neither was Madonna.

I TRIED TO BE A BOY,
I TRIED TO BE A GIRL 
I TRIED TO BE A MESS,
I TRIED TO BE THE BEST 
I TRIED TO FIND A FRIEND, 
I TRIED TO STAY AHEAD 
I TRIED TO STAY ON TOP…

FUCK IT… 
DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME? 
WILL IT GET ME FAR? 
SHOULD I LOSE SOME WEIGHT? 
AM I GONNA BE A STAR?

FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT.

In the ensuing years, the ‘American Life’ album has ripened into a fan favorite, revered along the lines of ‘Erotica’ which also had a rocky journey to its classic status. In her ‘Tears of a Clown’ codas near the end of the ‘Rebel Heart Tour‘ she revisited a number of ‘American Life’ selections, including ‘Intervention‘ and ‘Easy Ride‘ and fans were ecstatic. After the Reinvention Tour, she had largely steered clear of ‘American Life’ cuts, and she has yet to embrace the title song since that first flush in 2003/2004. It’s worth another look, if only because it’s unlike anything she’s done before or since, especially the next part:

I’M DRINKING A SOY LATTE 
I GET A DOUBLE SHOTTE
IT GOES RIGHT THROUGH MY BODY 
AND YOU KNOW 
I’M SATISFIED,
I DRIVE MY MINI COOPER 
AND I’M FEELING SUPER-DOOPER 
YO THEY TELL I’M A TROOPER 
AND YOU KNOW I’M SATISFIED 

At some point we all mentally run through the things we’ve accumulated and accomplished in our lives. This exercise of nostalgia or simple stock-taking can be exhausting or inspiring, depending on the mood and the way in which we want to quantify anything we’ve done. Madonna’s tick-list is larger and grander and more eventful than the majority of ours, but it’s also remarkably human and mundane. Her concerns are at once small and significant, superficial and complex, contradictory and consistent. From Mini Coopers to Metaphysics, she runs through the gamut of life at the turn of the millennium. Looking back, we’ve been on this rocky road for a long time – too long – and the cracks and pot-holes have grown exponentially disastrous.

I DO YOGA AND PILATES 
AND THE ROOM IS FULL OF HOTTIES 
SO I’M CHECKING OUT THE BODIES 
AND YOU KNOW I’M SATISFIED 
I’M DIGGING ON THE ISOTOPES 
THIS METAPHYSIC SHIT IS DOPE 
AND IF ALL THIS CAN GIVE ME HOPE 
YOU KNOW I’M SATISFIED 

On some level she knows her laundry list is ridiculous, and there is more than a little wink behind the infamous rap. It’s over-the-top, it’s too much, it’s silly and it’s profound. It’s what she knows, in all the limited and expansive glory that is Madonna’s world. It inspires neither envy nor empathy. America was messy then, as it’s messy now. Maybe it’s always been that way. Anyone who makes a success of themselves in this land has had to get messy at one point or another. As she runs through her accomplishments and accruals, things get more frenzied and insistent before finishing with a nihilistic revoking of the reality/realization that all is illusion.

I GOT A LAWYER AND A MANAGER 
AN AGENT AND A CHEF 
THREE NANNIES, AN ASSISTANT 
AND A DRIVER AND A JET 
A TRAINER AND A BUTLER 
AND A BODYGUARD OR FIVE 
A GARDENER AND A STYLIST 
DO YOU THINK I’M SATISFIED?
I’D LIKE TO EXPRESS MY EXTREME POINT OF VIEW 
I’M NOT A CHRISTIAN AND I’M NOT A JEW 
I’M JUST LIVING OUT THE AMERICAN DREAM 
AND I JUST REALIZED THAT NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS 

Still, dreams are requisite ways of getting through the day, American or not. Yes, the idea of a Ice Blue Show Princess Mini Cooper was sewn in my head then, but it was only a wish. My Kicky Blue Gumdrop Impreza would go a couple more years, and the ‘American Life’ CD would ring loudly from within as spring warmed into summer. As soon as the rap fizzled and the electro-explosions faded out, the birds of ‘Hollywood‘ flew into the air. We bopped along to the music of Mirwais, seeking our next acquisition, our next fix, our next material obsession.

The world was on fire and all we could do was watch it burn.

DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME?
AM I GONNA BE A STAR?
DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME?
AM I GONNA BE A STAR? 
DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME?

SONG #148: ‘American Life’ – Spring 2003