After years of confusion, anger, and disappointment, I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m one of those unfortunate people with whom the universe just wants to fuck. Four out of five times that I go to Starbucks, the half-and-half container is empty when I get to it.
Author Archives: Alan Ilagan
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March
2019
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March
2019
Chris Evans: American Superhero
It’s no mean feat that Chris Evans captures Captain America so perfectly in the Marvel movie series. While we have celebrated his physical appeal and handsome factor here on this blog, Mr. Evans seems to be a pretty spectacular human being without the fancy shield and form-defining superhero outfit. His twitter feed is a brave condemnation of all the cruelty the current administration seems hellbent on executing, and such courage from a mainstream Hollywood movie star is both refreshing and necessary if we are to move forward. He’s on the right side of history, bravely reminding us of the compassion, integrity, and equality upon which our country was founded. That it comes in such a pretty package is just a bonus – a bonus that we will celebrate in this grandly gratuitous post. Scroll down for links to much of the magnificence that Chris Evans has brought to these pages.
As Captain America, Chris Evans stunned the world with his buff body and soulful channeling of decades of wisdom, but some of us have been fans long before that (thanks to an epic human banana sundae scene that shall otherwise remain nameless).
With those piercing blue eyes, he seduced and secured his status as matinee idol, a throwback to the glamorously rugged and impossibly compassionate Hollywood stars of the past. The banging butt GIF as seen in this post didn’t hurt either.
Even in a simple T-shirt he can lead a brigade of Hunks to glory, and still shine the brightest.
Thankfully, he’s not been shy about doing a few nude scenes, and with a body like that no one is complaining.
He more than holds his own in posts filled with naked male celebrities.
He even looks impeccable in a blue tux and beard. Not everyone can pull that off.
Sometimes, though, he shines best when simply shirtless.
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March
2019
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March
2019
Best Television Theme Ever?
Some television theme songs are infinitely better than the show they actually introduce. ‘Falcon Crest’ was always that way with me. Part of it was that it was on after our bedtime, so this was all we could usually get away with watching before being forced upstairs. But even in later years, when I could stay up to watch, the opening theme was always better than whatever followed. Even with Jane Wyman.
On this Friday, here’s a little memory for those who share my love of opening themes.
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March
2019
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March
2019
The Madonna Timeline: Song #149 ~ ‘Now I’m Following You: Part 1’ – Summer 1990
{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}
LET’S DANCE, YOU CAN DO A LITTLE TWO-STEP
I’LL GO ANYWHERE THAT YOU STEP TO, ‘CAUSE I’M FOLLOWING YOU.
MY FEET MIGHT BE FALLING OUT OF RHYTHM,
DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WITH THEM, BUT I KNOW I’M FOLLOWING YOU.
I suppose I should be grateful that Part 1 came before Part 2, otherwise it might have been awkward. As it stands, this Madonna Timeline will prove difficult enough, so I’m going back to basics, reminding myself of what this blog feature was originally meant to be. An encapsulation of what was going on in my life when a certain Madonna song came to prominence – whether that was in the world, or in my private life. In this case, it will mostly be my own little memory, as ‘Now I’m Following You, Part 1’ made about as big an impact as ‘Now I’m Following You, Part 2’ – which is to say not much.
It formed the main lip-syncing portion of Madonna’s Blond Ambition tour, appearing in the Dick Tracy segment. The period feel of the music and innocence of the sentiment is all fully intact in Part 1. We’ll get to Part 2 in another timeline.
UNLIKELY AS IT IS TO ME, ON THE FLOOR WITH TWO LEFT FEET
LET’S BOOGIE WOOGIE TILL OUR HEARTS SKIP A BEAT, BUT WHO’S COUNTING?
ENCORE, ONCE AGAIN AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR
ROMANCE IS IN THE PICTURE TOO, NOW I’M FOLLOWING YOU.
TAKE IT AWAY, BOYS.
‘I’m Breathless: Music Form and Inspired by the Film Dick Tracy’ was released in the spring of 1990 – just as the movie was about to come out, and Madonna was riding high on the wings of ‘Vogue’ and the Blond Ambition Tour. It was one of the most iconic moments, following as it did on the heels of ‘Like A Prayer’ and presaging the sexiness of ‘Erotica’ to come. That spring melted into a hot and sultry summer. Sticky and humid like all upstate New York summers, when the air hung thickly with the sweet scent of mockorange and fringe tree. The decadence of ‘Vogue’ brought the masses to the showtunes of Stephen Sondheim, who helmed a trio of songs on the album, while Madonna and Patrick Leonard fashioned their own selection of convincing period music, which included ‘Now I’m Following You, Part 1.’
I loved that album – its moody theatrical bent combined my love of Broadway with my love of Madonna – and it came with me (in my mind only) when I visited the then-Soviet Union. Upon my return, I resumed its non-stop rotation.
Oh, I almost forgot the most notable part of this song – it’s a duet with Warren Beatty! What is Mr. Beatty doing singing on a Madonna song? La publicidad! And maybe some romance was actually in the picture too – who can say? Dick Tracy was a hit for both of them, even if it cost a lot to make, restoring some silver screen luster to Madonna’s rather rusty track record. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, this appears to be a rather sweet period in Madonna’s career and romantic life. She was tottering on the verge of mainstream Disney approval, and maybe playing it so safely bothered her. She would eventually take the road less travelled, which is what most of us loved about her, leaving Disney in the dust and provoking the Gods of Sex into orgasmic, damning glory. But that was a year or two away. For now, they danced until the record skipped…
UNLIKELY AS IT IS TO ME, ON THE FLOOR WITH TWO LEFT FEET
LET’S BOOGIE WOOGIE TILL OUR HEARTS SKIP A BEAT, BUT WHO’S COUNTING?
ENCORE, ONCE AGAIN AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR
ROMANCE IS IN THE PICTURE TOO, NOW I’M FOLLOWING YOU.
OH DEAR…
SONG #149: ‘Now I’m Following You – Part 1’ ~ Summer 1990
28
March
2019
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March
2019
Pietro’s Butt Cake
Your midday treat comes in the form of some cake by Pietro Boselli. (But where’s the tea?) Heâ’s been here numerous times before – below are a few links with additional nude Pietro Boselli shots.
An underwear-clad Pietro leads a recap.
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March
2019
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March
2019
Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series
In my mind, adding a small piece of melon to a pound of prosciutto makes it a healthy snack.
#BeHealthy
28
March
2019
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March
2019
My Introduction to HSN via the Beekman Boys
Only the Beekman Boys could get me to tune into the Home Shopping Network and then actually purchase something. Their products are so good, and their explanations and knowledge so convincing that the goat milk soap and lotion they were peddling were too good to pass up, especially at the special prices.
I’ve long been a Beekman 1802 fan, and even at full price their goods are more than worth it. Quality and customer care shouldn’t come cheap, and supporting a local upstate New York farm comes with its own sense of doing something better for the community. The use of natural ingredients (in this case goat’s milk) is something else to feel good about – not only for its environmental health, but also for its soothing properties and scientifically sound explanation on why it’s so much better for the skin. (They made a compelling word picture of describing how oil and petroleum simply sit on top of water while something like milk mixes with it – a powerful testament to how most soaps and lotions stay on top instead of absorbing and hydrating the skin. Listen to them tell it, it’s much more entertaining.)
I wanted to try just about everything, and much was selling out, but I disciplined myself to one blind-buy: the Fig Leaf Whipped Body Cream – better known as the Voluptuous Fig. Whether it was Brent’s seductive way of rolling off the name, the luscious description of the cream itself, or the way it thickly clung to Josh’s fingers clearly depicting its substance, I was sold. It helped that I loved all things fig too.
For the remainder of items, I’m planning on making the short pilgrimage to their brick and mortar store in Sharon Springs – just a hop, skip and jump away from Albany – in order to try out the other scents and products. It’s been a few years since we last visited and we are overdue for such beauty.
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March
2019
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March
2019
Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series
People who whistle at work don’t have enough work to do.
27
March
2019
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March
2019
Sprice
The new thing is making words up, or so I’m telling people, and I’m all about the new thing. Today that word is ‘sprice’ – which in its original long-winded form translates as ‘spring ice’ – something we had the misfortune of finding in our backyard thanks to a wayward sprinkler system. A small spray of water coated and transformed a lace-cap hydrangea during a windy and cold day this past weekend, hopefully not killing it in the process. In the sunlight and against the blue sky, it made for a beautiful, if slightly disturbing, scene.
These early days of spring are so iffy, like the season is not quite ready to arrive or reveal itself. Winter’s tail-whip can lash back worse than that demon did in ‘Lord of the Rings’ – you shall not pass and all that jazz. We won’t make it out of the winter wilderness for certain until May.
That won’t stop us from dreaming.
Ice, ice baby, indeed.
26
March
2019
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March
2019
Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series
Why is it so difficult to find a simple salad dressing container that doesn’t leak?
26
March
2019
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March
2019
Blue Spruce, Blue Sky
Just when you think the world has gone all brown and gray, something like this pops in at the tail-end of a lunch-time walk, and everything is exciting again. A blue spruce illuminated by the afternoon soon, framed by an expanse of blue sky. There’s a clarity at this time of the year that you can’t usually find in summer or later spring. It echoes the crisp, clear atmosphere of fall, which makes sense.
For some reason I’ve always been resistant to embracing evergreens. Something in me wanted more dramatic transformation during the year – the shedding of a wardrobe and the regrowth of a new one each season. Evergreens go through their own growth spurts, usually of a brighter green and softer texture – that tender spring time when things haven’t been hardened off yet, when a killing frost might just do that if one decided to linger.
Not so for the branch in this photo. It’s been put through the winter ringer and paid its dues. A grizzled and fortified collection of pin-prick-like arrows, protecting any pinecone carriage and fending off any wayward predators unlikely to attack from the sidewalk below or sky above. I admire such resilience and strength, particularly in the face of our winters. I also admire such simple beauty. Nature knows exactly what she’s doing.
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March
2019
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March
2019
A Last Recap for March
We shall see whether the month exits like a lamb or retains its lion-like properties. Personally, I love a lion. Weather-wise, however, we are ready for something gentler. If it’s a quiet lion, soft and demure, then it is welcome. Otherwise, cue the lambily’s entrance. Or exit. Whatever. On with this recap as sponsored by Mercury in retrograde…
Follow these little threads back to their beginning.
Adam Levine celebrated his birthday in his birthday suit.
Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’ album turned 30 years old.
The magic of Savannah approaches.
Spring cleaning and daydreaming.
The things I regret… and the things I don’t.
You better let somebody love you before it’s too late.
Rob Gronkowski: the naked retiree.
Hunks of the Day included Michael Campayno, Jack Savoretti, Duncan Keith, and Brian Jordan Alvarez.
25
March
2019
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March
2019
Blue Sky, Low Moon
Last week we had the first day of spring, a full moon, and Mercury was still in retrograde (a sorry state that continues through the first half of this week). How we made it through that mess is something I’ll never understand (assuming we did in fact make it through – at the time of this writing we are still in it).
The last thing the internet is needs is another crappy, poorly-shot moon photo, but too fucking bad. You’re getting two. I love when the moon hangs low, and when it wobbles to and fro. Perched in a tree, or slung over the sea, it’s a thing of beauty, even if it inspires lunacy. Among the lunatics, there is a certain thread of truth running through the loopy. I dwell in the realm of such lunacy, and the land of strange truth. The moon brings it all out.
Good luck to all of us swayed by its pull and transfixed by its spell.
24
March
2019
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March
2019
Rob Gronkowski: The Naked Retiree
Oh Gronk, how envious we were of you, and how envious we still are.
Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots officially announced his retirement today. Don’t bother doing the math on how old he is, because the math just makes me mad. I mean, so happy for him and everything… blah, blah, blah. (No word yet on how Tom Brady is taking this news.) The Gronk has been very popular on this website, thanks to his penchant for removing his shirt at no provocation whatsoever. We appreciate such things, so let’s take a quick look back at everyone’s favorite footballer.
This post was one of the first that proved a naked Rob Gronkowski was a big draw.
A Speedo and crack of ass proved the Gronk was just as popular in skimpy attire as he was out of it.
His ESPN Body Issue shoot.
More Rob Gronkowski nude pics…
He also did his part to show off the sexiness that was the Super Bowl this year.
It’s up to Julian Edelman to take over the naked show-off spot next season. (He’s already proved his nude aptitude.)
Anyway, congrats Gronk. Do not go quietly into that good night.
24
March
2019
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March
2019
You Better Let Somebody Love You
DESPERADO, WHY DON’T YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES?
YOU BEEN OUT RIDIN’ FENCES FOR SO LONG NOW
OH, YOU’RE A HARD ONE
BUT I KNOW THAT YOU GOT YOUR REASONS
THESE THINGS THAT ARE PLEASIN’ YOU
CAN HURT YOU SOMEHOW
Long before there was YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter – long before there were blogs and websites and other outlets for anyone to visit, there was Public Access television – those local channels where a person would sit in a little make-shift studio, often accompanied by a sad, fake ficus and an equally-dismal backdrop curtain. My hometown of Amsterdam had a couple of these shows (when they weren’t showing the latest polka party) where brave folks could sit for half an hour and field phone calls or talk about whatever was on their mind. Production values notwithstanding, it was interesting to see how well they dealt with prank callers, but also to see how people presented themselves. I’ve always enjoyed being an unobserved observer. This allowed for such viewing at a time in our history when such glimpses were not as ubiquitous as they are now.
One of the older kids in our high school had his own show. I knew of him, but we weren’t close. He was one of those rare kids who was popular with just about everybody. His presence was big, his smile ever-ready, and he always had something to say, which made for a perfect one-man talk show. I don’t recall what he discussed – I only remember his earnestness, and the fact that he was trying. It’s hard to find fault with someone if they are trying. He always closed his show with ‘Desperado’ – a song I didn’t know that well, but one which I searched and sought for meaning, desperately trying to figure out how he had such confidence, such power, such ease, and how I didn’t.
DON’T YOU DRAW THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, BOY
SHE’LL BEAT YOU IF SHE’S ABLE
YOU KNOW THE QUEEN OF HEARTS IS ALWAYS YOUR BEST BET
NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME SOME FINE THINGS
HAVE BEEN LAID UPON YOUR TABLE
BUT YOU ONLY WANT THE ONES THAT YOU CAN’T GET
In school, he was much the same. Gregarious and outgoing, with a popularity that somehow cut across all of the complicated circles of friendship and cliques that seemed to so densely populate Amsterdam High School. What a remarkable trick: to win acceptance and adoration from everyone, yet remain so staunchly down-to-earth. Maybe that was his appeal. Because he was a year or two older we would never be friends. (It was hard enough to step out of one’s own gender to be friends with another – stepping over the age barrier was almost impossible.) Yet we shared a physical education class for one year, and as we all waited on the gym bleachers for the teacher to begin, he would often stand in front of us all, bouncing a ball carelessly or just shifting his standing from one foot to the other, and talking and asking questions of everyone in the class.
He asked me how I was once, using my name, and I wondered if that was the key to his charm – to pay just enough attention to people so it sounded like he knew them. It has been documented that the sound of one’s own name is one of the most pleasing things a human being hears. It certainly worked for me. My distrust of anyone so openly vulnerable – because that’s what he was when he was so friendly to everyone – was instantly disarmed when he said my name and asked me how I was doing. My response was genuine, not my typical surly jab, but I’m not sure he took it as such, and he was already on to asking about someone else’s day so that was that.
DESPERADO, OH, YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ NO YOUNGER
YOUR PAIN AND YOUR HUNGER, THEY’RE DRIVIN’ YOU HOME
AND FREEDOM, OH FREEDOM, WELL THAT’S JUST SOME PEOPLE TALKIN’
YOUR PRISON IS WALKING THROUGH THIS WORLD ALL ALONE
I wondered at his popularity. I sometimes found it difficult to talk to my closest friends, I didn’t dream of talking much to my family, and it was terrifying to have to speak to strangers. How did he do it? How had he escaped the chains of social anxiety, and how wonderful might it feel to be so free? I envied him, like I envied everyone who seemed to have such an easy time of so many simple things. But what if his freedom came with its own prison? There was something about his broad appeal, and that expansive popularity, that left me feeling my quiet and shy manner, and my ocasionally-off-putting way with the world, might be a more sure path toward love. With prickly deliberateness and an intentionally aloof attitude, I’d made sure that anyone who entered my orbit was carefully vetted and tested – they were not casual acquaintances, not masses of genial, well-meaning peers who were made happy and content with a smile or a friendly word of encouragement. Such empty platitudes would not leave my lips.
DON’T YOUR FEET GET COLD IN THE WINTER TIME?
THE SKY WON’T SNOW AND THE SUN WON’T SHINE
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE NIGHT TIME FROM THE DAY
YOU’RE LOSIN’ ALL YOUR HIGHS AND LOWS
AIN’T IT FUNNY HOW THE FEELING GOES AWAY?
Two different boys.
Two different paths.
We live in such different worlds even when we think we don’t.
I wish I knew better how to bridge those worlds.
I also wish I knew how happy he was. Then and now.
Looking back on what little I saw and knew of him, and the lot of what I see and know of myself, I wonder if maybe we weren’t that different after all. In our own ways, maybe we walked alone a little too long. The most popular people I know are also the most lonely. And some of us who love nothing more than being left alone have managed to become surprisingly popular. Maybe we were, and are, somewhere in-between.
