Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Holiday Fresh

We are still in the first flush of holiday fun, too early to be too tired, too soon to be too exhausted. All is new and fresh and hopeful. This pretty shrub of lemon cypress is vibrant of hue and scent, and the perfect embodiment of how the holiday season begins. Like the chartreuse leaves of spring, it sings the spirit of all that is reborn. Delicately perfumed with a lemony lightness, even its fragrance is fresh and clean. 

I look to this little cypress to teach me the way. 

Show me how to retain such freshness throughout this whole season.

It’s too early to fall apart. Too soon to give up. 

Teach me how to sustain the hopefulness that seems in such abundance now, but that will be gone before we know it. It is but a short journey to Christmas, then the New Year will be at hand, and then the gruesome stalled trudge of winter. 

Help me hang onto the newness.

Help me hang onto the spring.

Until it comes again…

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The Holiday Card 2019

Some years are low-key Holiday Card years, such as this one. For a number of reasons, my heart wasn’t in it, but like Celine Dion says, the heart must go on, or some such bullshit, so here we go. Inspired by a love for baking that doesn’t always translate to successful kitchen endeavors, this card is not that far off from reality. I’ve had my share of kitchen disasters, a few of which have resulted in fires and burns and the like, so here’s to making those episodes into something worthy of the season, like a goddamned Christmas card. 

If you want a more comprehensive look into Holiday Cards of the past, please visit the first part of a Holiday Card Recollection and of course its accompanying second part. Then check out last year’s Holiday Card here. And if you want a video version of this year’s card, follow me on Instagram here

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Hot Pot It!

Every now and then a blog post needs an exclamation point. This is one of this now and then moments. Well, I guess it’s more now than then. So take it and eat it. Here’s a Japanese hot-pot hodgepodge I put together on a slow Sunday that kept us snowbound. It’s the perfect sort of recipe for such a day. Simple and relatively quick, but with a hearty and ample yield. It’s hardy too, taking all sorts of battering and variations (for instance, I didn’t have the mirin for this, nor did I have any clue as to what might be a comparable substitute, so I tried some rice wine vinegar and it turned out just fine). 

‘Tis the season for soups and stews and Japanese hot-pots.

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The Imperfect Perfection of this Pecan Praline Recipe

Within one of the interior rooms of Savannah’s E. Shaver, Bookseller store is a local section of all the city’s enchantments, including several cookbooks. One contained this super-simple recipe for pecan pralines. Previously, all the other versions I’d read included some candy-making fanciness which scared the bejesus out of me (I will never be someone who measures candy temperatures because burning sugar in any capacity is a well-documented bad idea for me.) However, this one gets all the cooking done in the microwave (so be sure if you try this you have a super-safe-for-the-microwave bowl because it gets hot, hot, hot).

The ingredients can be counted on one finger: one cup of sugar, one cup of packed brown sugar, ½ cup of water, 1 cup of roughly chopped pecans, and 2 Tbsp. margarine or butter. You put the sugars and water into a bowl and stir until sugar is dissolved, then microwave for 6 minutes, stirring once and then microwaving it for two more minutes. While it’s spinning and bubbling, chop up the butter into small pieces and freeze. Not sure why that’s important, but it is. When the sugar mixture is finished, it should be brown and dangerously hot. Carefully add the pecans and frozen butter pieces to this and stir until it thickens a bit. Drop by heaping tablespoon onto parchment or waxed paper in the shape of a praline. Let cool and you should have a close approximation of the classic southern candy, all without having to burn down the kitchen with boiling stovetop sugar.

The first few will be runny, but turn out shiny. The last few are thicker, but murkier. I will refine and see if I can find a happy medium, as this is a simple recipe worth a few shots, especially during the holiday season when typical Christmas cookies need a few sweet accents. Try one on a bowl of vanilla ice cream for an extra dose of decadence, or with your morning cup of tea when you need an extra sugar kick.

{Serious candy-makers will likely find all sorts of faults with this method, and they can probably spin perfectly-tempered sugar around me in pretty rings, but all I care about is ease and simplicity, and something that tastes and looks and feels remotely like the real deal – to that end, this recipe is genius.}

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The Beekman Boys Prepare the Holiday Way

Thanks to the Beekman Boys, my holiday shopping was officially completed by the 2nd of December. Yes, on Cyber Monday, they enabled me to complete this year’s gift-giving plans. I always vow to finish early, and usually I’m pretty good about it. This is the first time it’s actually come to fruition in substantial form. There are sure to be a few odds and ends that I’ve forgotten – those pesky people who clearly don’t matter that much or I’d have gotten them already – but that’s ok. I don’t mind shopping for one or two – it’s actually enjoyable when there’s not pressure to finish everyone all at once. 

As for the Beekman Boys, I’ve been a Beek-Man for a number of years, and their goat milk products work wonders for keeping winter skin hydrated and healthy. They’ve expanded into a number of artisanal food products as well, so it really can be a one-stop kind of shopping experience, and the older I get the more I’m willing to spend good money for good quality merchandise, and impeccable customer service and care. Beckman 1802 offers all that and more, and since they’re basically a hop, skip and jump away, it feels good to support a local business as well. Check out their website for all your holiday shopping needs. 

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Sugar & Booze: Do as I Do, Not as I say

Isn’t this just the height of irony: the song that is spinning my holiday head round and round right now is ‘Sugar and Booze’ by Ana Gasteyer, especially considering that I’ve all but given up both sugar and booze since October. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the glory of this song – in sentiment and in sound. Ms. Gasteyer has a divine set of pipes on her, as some of us fans have known since she stormed the nation as Elphaba in ‘Wicked’. Her holiday album is a must-have for making it through the season of giving and sharing if you have the slightest appreciation for sarcasm and good clean snarky fun. {Cuts like ‘Nothing Rhymes With Christmas’ and ‘He’s Stuck in the Chimney Again’ give us a different and much-needed look at the holiday season, which is largely just ridiculous.}

BELLS ARE RINGING AND A JINGLING
FOLKS ARE MIXING AND A MINGLING
TWINKLING LIGHTS AND TINSEL ON THE TREE
HOW I LOVE TO KEEP THE YULETIDE GAY
CALL ME CORNY OR CLICHE
BUT THERE’S A REASON THAT THE SEASON BRINGS SO MUCH JOY TO ME

I LOVE SNOWMEN AND TURTLE DOVES IN TWOS
HOLLY IVY MISTLETOE CAN TAKE AWAY MY BLUES
KRIS KRINGLE AND HIS REINDEER FRIENDS THEY ENDLESSLY AMUSE
BUT THE BEST PART OF THE HOLIDAYS IS SUGAR AND BOOZE…

PS – Green is very definitely her color.

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Holiday Pants

These are two pairs of holiday pants.

Some would say they’re my ‘Go-to-Hell’ pants.

As in, “If you don’t like them, you can go-to-hell.”

I’ll take both descriptions and own them.

I’m also going to wear the fuck out of these puppies this year because I finally fit my ass back into them thanks to a regimen of cutting out alcohol and eating what basically amounts to bird food. You know what they say: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. 

I’m kidding, partly. I just finished off a bunch of pecan pralines, recipe forthcoming… and I intend to enjoy the holiday sweets and savories. All in moderation. 

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When Charlie Brown Met Snoopy

The featured GIF here supposedly depicts the moment that Charlie Brown met Snoopy for the first time. It’s a snippet that is an absolute antidote to everything else that is rotting the internet, and a nifty little introduction to the holiday season. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special is one of those classics that just gets better with age. No matter which Peanuts character you love best, there’s something for everyone if you take the time to appreciate the messages. 

Christmas makes for a multitude of cheesy holiday flicks, but it tends to raise the caliber of television, especially if the show is good in its own right. See this amazing ‘Mad Men’ Christmas scene for instance. Then put on some Vince Guaraldi and dance your heart out, Snoopy-style. 

 

 

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Tiny Threads: An Insignificant series

Sooner or later we all fall down.

Only those who get back up right away have a chance.

#TinyThreads

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Shazam! My Doppelgänger?

Every once in a while someone will say I remind them of some celebrity that bears absolutely no resemblance to me whatsoever. I’ve been likened to Keanu Reeves, Justin Long, and – most inscrutably of all – Jean Claude Van Damme. (The latter was when I was in the Philippines and everyone seemed to relate things to every American action-movie touchstone.) Most recently a couple of co-workers and a longtime family friend have said that this TJ Maxx/Marshalls/Homegoods commercial’s lead is my spitting image.

It’s Zachary Levi, who has been a Hunk of the Day here, so I’m not at all mad about the comparison, even if I don’t quite see it. The outfit, yes. I would totally wear that, and have been seen in strikingly similar garb. The facial hair, guilty too. Or maybe it’s just his outfit below that has people confusing him for me.

At any rate, there’s nothing upsetting about the comparison because he’s a handsome bloke, and a few years younger than me, so I’m happy to accept it. All apologies to Mr. Levi.

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Shirtless Male Celebrities for a Snow Day

This bonus post, culled from the annals of an unexpected but most definitely not unwanted snow day, is a quick recap of some shirtless male celebrities who have graced this website with their hotness over the years. It’s not quite a full-on Naked Male Celebrities post, but click on that link and search the archives if you want fully nude stars. This is PG-13, but no less scintillating for it. We begin with KJ Apa, who knows how to man-spread, which is a skill that should have no shame when not practiced on public transportation. (Pull this shit on the subway and your crotch is nothing but target practice.)

Matthew Camp has been a favorite in these parts for years, and it’s always good to be reminded of the many endeavors he’s successfully embarked upon. See here and here too. 

Robbie Amell in motion is almost as good as Robbie Amell naked, but until we get a glimpse of that please make do with his Hunk of the Day post

Jwan Yosef, husband of Ricky Martin and fantastic artist in his own right, was breathtaking in his Hunk of the Day crowning here

Closing out the black and white portion of this hunky pictorial is Ben Cohen, who wears short-shorts better than anyone else. 

Like Dorothy stepping out of that sepia farm house and into the land of Oz, we switch into the full-color section of this shirtless male celebrity extravaganza. (Maybe there are some hints of male nudity on the way too.) Up in super-saturated form is the magnificent Jack Mackenroth, who clearly knows his way around a colorful ride

King of the underwear scene, nobody fills a pair quite as keenly as Daniel Miller, as amply evidenced in his Hunk of the Day honor

Colin Kaepernick is such a courageous guy, he deserves double billing here. Also click on his Hunk of the Day post, as well as this post and this post

Finn Bálor strikes a shirtless pose here, as well as in his Hunk of the Day feature, and in this peacock-like stance.

A trio of Nico Tortorella shots may still not be enough, and if that’s the case visit his naked self here, his shirtless self here, his nude self here, and his hot ass self here.

A pair of former Hunks may be found in the shirtless forms of Alan Bersten and Shawn Mendes

Ryan Gosling has been relatively quiet on the movie front of late, so perhaps it’s time to revisit his shirtless birthday post

Cameron Dallas smacks his ass in this pair of gratuitous GIFs. More of Mr. Dallas was also on display here, here and here

Speaking of fit asses, this is Jack Laugher barely squeezing his into a skimpy Speedo. More of Laugher and his butt here, here, here, and here. [See also Chris Mears & Tom Daley.]

Joe Manganiello was born to play a stripper, as illustrated in posts like this and this

The insanely bodacious body of Evander Kane brings up the end of this meandering post. 


Finally, a random assortment of gents who have yet to be featured in some grand shirtless male celebrity collection, but if you send me their names I’ll happily consider them for the future. 

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Cyber Me Monday

Greetings, online lookers and internet interlopers. 

This is Cyber Alan.

I’m the one who’s been writing and corresponding and showing off pictures of my ass for almost seventeen years now. It’s a rather long time, especially in the mercurial slipperiness of the world-wide web, and the only way I’ve managed to survive and keep doing this is by crafting this alter-version of myself. I’m not exceptional in that way. Most of us put a very different image forth with the Veil of Valor afforded by the anonymity and distance of our online entities. Different from who we are in everyday life. Heightened. Elevated. Extreme.

Our social media selves are what we most want to be, most of the time. This blog functions as such too. It’s the one place where I can be glamorous, witty, funny, elegant, fashionable and, with the right lighting and angles, give the effect of being semi-attractive. This is the closest I can get to perfection, even while pretending to extol my imperfections. That becomes a trap sometimes, too, such as the past couple of weeks when a substantial portion of my life has come under duress, if not fallen apart altogether. But most people had no idea, because I didn’t really put it all up here for inquiring minds to dissect and send their queries. Life is difficult enough when working things out, especially when the things you’re working out go back four decades and threaten the entire foundation of everything you thought you knew. I have therapy to thank for that, and I have faith that the end result will be a healthier and happier version of myself that is a little more authentic and at peace with things than the cyber version you see before you. 

Perhaps I’ll even let you in behind the curtain. 

For now, the train trundles along on a snowy Cyber Monday… 

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A Snow-Bound Recap

At the time of this writing, we are being pummeled by a major snowstorm in upstate New York, kicking off the holiday season with a wintry flourish that is as pretty as it is annoying. Bit early for all this shit, no? Oh well, I’ve come to expect getting kicked while I’m down, so bring it all on. And on with the recap…

Shirtless male celebrities and sporting good-fellows kept things hot. 

Shattering the day with ice & clay

The curtain rises on a bunch of new holiday traditions.

It was turkey-lurkey time

From now until the New Year, it’s Mariah’s world. #Lambily

A poem of gratitude.

This year it’s a Thanksgiving cactus

An unpopular cookie opinion.

A thankful remembrance

An applesauce cake for Andy.

It was the week I was supposed to see Madonna’s Madame X Tour in Boston

…but she cancelled and we had our first break

It was over in a day or two, and the Madonna Timeline returned with this glorious song

Still haunted by Savannah.

December arrived with a blast of snow.

Finding Waldo.

Hunks of the Day included Sammy Guevara, Neymar Jr., John Duff, and Harrison Luna.  

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Where’s Waldo (Emerson)?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

That’s the theme of this mocktail, which is just as pretty as a cocktail, if not more-so for the sparkling seltzer that gives it a bit of extra shimmer. Don’t mock it until you’ve tried it. In this case a dash of cranberry juice, some plain seltzer, and a sprig of rosemary combine to create a holiday drink best served in a fancy glass like the one seen here. 

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Days of Decembers Past

Entering the final month of the calendar year, let us run away with December. Or let December run away with us. Within the month is the shortest and darkest day as we witness the official arrival of winter, but there is also Christmas Day to counter-balance that. I’m not sure the holidays are going to work their typical magic this year, and in all honesty such magic has been slowly eroding over the past few years, so maybe this is just how it goes. The older we get, the few magical moments we have. For that reason, let’s take a rare look back, just in case the best days are behind us. 

(Just a quick warning – since these links populate with the last day first, there are a lot of year-end-review recaps. It’s a lot to take in. I’m breathless just thinking of them.)

~ December 2018
December 2017
~ December 2016
~ December 2015
~ December 2014
~ December 2013
~ December 2012
~ December 2011
~ December 2010
 
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