Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Sometimes snow makes the world prettier than the sun ever could.

Finishing my first full day of working from home, I found a single note of solace in the way that the snowfall picked up as the afternoon wore on: it was not of any great concern to me – we had nowhere to go, and no rush to get there – and so I could embrace the moment, savoring the time – the hours, the minutes, the seconds – of the beauty before us. And so the snow fell, past the first day of spring, past the midday mark, showing no sign of letting up – and it was all good.

I opened the window to breathe in the scent of it. Our winter didn’t give us all that much this year, and surely it wouldn’t last. I worried for the early daffodils by the garage, but there was nothing to be done. It was too late to bring in the buds, so they would have to fend for themselves. Gardening remains a ruthless game, even and sometimes especially at this early stage of the season.

Rather than intone rage and madness at the too-late-for-winter timing (we always get snow in spring – this is upstate New York) I instead chose to celebrate the beauty. As the light was fading from the sky, I watched as the snow nestled into the radial whirls of the Japanese umbrella pine. Somewhere in the distance a few birds sang, unseen and lending an enchantment they don’t usually conjure in the middle of winter. On this afternoon, their song melds nicely with the Japanese flute music that’s playing in the background.

Inside the living room, a stick of cedar incense glows at one end, tendrils of smoke curling gracefully into the air before dissipating with nothing but the sweet scent of cedar ashes drifting through the room. A fern arches its fronds over the edge of its ceramic pot, while a Norfolk Island pine extends its reach beside the couch – portending the green yet to come outside the window.

On this night, the sky is white and gray, before coloring the blanket of snow a deep blue. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. We never do. Yet at this moment, as the snow still falls and the light fades, the beauty outside is seen and felt from within.

Why do some of the prettiest little tea cakes turn out to be the least delicious? It’s as if some cosmic force decrees that in order to be beautiful, we must sacrifice flavor and substance. At least that was the case with a bunch of tea cakes I managed to buy before all hell broke loose in the markets. This little cake looks delectable, like something out of a fairy tale at the precise moment the protagonist was about to faint from starvation.

But the taste? Not at all up to the appearance. It tasted like a lie. Sickly sweet, like store-bought frosting from a can – that gross, manufactured essence of falsity. It leaves one gasping for a hint of something natural and real – butter or vanilla or, Jesus, even Crisco. Anything but the plastic-like putrid fakeness of something masquerading as food.

All that glitters ain’t gold.

Over the years, a few kind and perhaps overly-generous people have told me that this blog offers them some reassurance and escape in what feels like an ever-darkening world. Others have said I occasionally give voice to something they’ve also felt but never knew quite how to express or release. Those are pretty powerful gifts – not what I do here, but what those wonderful friends have expressed. They are gifts to my soul and I will always be grateful for them.

As for the purpose of this blog, which I’ve sometimes pondered over its seventeen years of existence, if it serves as a place of reassurance, escape, calm, entertainment, frivolity, amusement, or fantasy, well, I’d consider that an honor and a privilege. And if it brings a few of my favorite people together, either in stories or simply in having them mention that they’ve read something here, then I’ve done some small part in contributing to our community. I don’t take that lightly, and I hope you don’t find too much hubris in my admission that my voice is one that seems to matter to certain people, especially in times of uncertainty and fear.

The world definitely feels darker than it did a few years or even months ago. I can sense that. As much as I try to keep such somber thoughts on the outskirts of this silly space, they can’t help but seep into the overall arc of our journey here. That’s ok. I like to sparkle; I don’t like to sugarcoat. But for my own sanity, and my own enjoyment, I’m going to do my best to keep things welcoming and light here, accented by bright moments of beauty, riotous bouts of silliness, skin-baring antics of derriere-derring-do, and occasional passages of spiritual intent.

Whenever I pause and think about the purpose of what I do here, it always comes back to creating a cozy little nook of the internet that doesn’t scream or shout with effects or noise or bother, but one that invites the visitor in, welcoming you with a reserved spot on the couch or a leopard-patterned chair, where you can indulge in a cup of tea or a smart cocktail, and we can chat or simply sit in silence reading a cherished book. A place where nothing is forced or difficult, a place where a sense of peace and tranquility calmly floats through all our gentle actions, a place where we can simply be, a place where that is enough.  

Come, sit with me for a while…

Considered by many to be her second divorce album (‘Like A Prayer’ being the first), Madonna’s ‘MDNA’ album, released on this date in 2012, is also considered one of her weaker efforts. I don’t agree with those assessments – this is a pretty kick-ass collection of songs – I just think it suffered from a poor choice of lead-off single, and Madonna’s own movie-focused lack of a promotional push. She gave it a Super Bowl toast and then retreated into movie and tour promos. The track-list is worth a revisit, as is the album overall, which finds her raging against romance while simultaneously reaching out for it, resulting in the very best kind of creative contradiction. 

1. Girl Gone Wild
2. Gang Bang
3. I’m Addicted
4. Turn Up the Radio
5. Give Me All Your Luvin’
6. Some Girls
7. Superstar
8. I Don’t Give A…
9. I’m A Sinner
10. Love Spent
11. Masterpiece
12. Falling Free

For me the trio of highlights are the exhilarating opening track, the pure pop perfection of ‘Turn Up the Radio’, and closing ballad ‘Falling Free’ which was helmed by ‘Ray of Light’ guru William Orbit.

This marks the first week I’ll be working from home, and I’m very afraid I won’t be very good at it. In many respects, I’m an old-fashioned guy, a Virgo addicted to structure and most at home within a rigid regiment of scheduling and organization. Plus I can’t imagine what everyone is going to be wearing. That’s a horror show I just don’t want to entertain. Anyway, on with the recap, as there will likely be more missives from the home-front now that we’re stuck here for the foreseeable future. That’s Life. 

A parade of Hunks now seems like such a quaintly superficial exercise in prettiness, and in times such as this it’s imperative that we keep such nonsense going. 

The world seemed to fall apart before our eyes. News changed by the minute, and drastically so, and suddenly it felt best to face everything head-on with the simple realization that we are most definitely fucked. 

St. Patrick’s Day got lost in the shuffle, but we have this gingerific post of hot red-headed gents to remind you of the reason for the season. 

How to fly under the radar while wearing hot pink Tom Ford boxer briefs. 

Botanical fireworks were the only explosions I wanted to see or sniff.

The first day of spring came early this year, at odds with the hopeless sense of foreboding that was otherwise going around. Still, spring came despite everything else, and there’s a small seed of happiness in that. 

For those parents or guardians stumped on how to fill a day with activities for the cherubs stuck at home, I give you Uncle Al’s Guide to Home-Schooling: Completely and Totally Untried Tips & Tricks for Kids and Shit. 

A week like this required some breathing room, something to which we may have to become quickly accustomed. 

Being alone takes practice. I’ve had years, but no one could prepare for the world as it currently is. I wish us both luck.

A few friends have indicated they’ve had trouble sleeping of late. To combat that, I compiled a post of 231 links for anyone who needs to be knocked out by the mediocre and mundane miscellany I’ve posted here for the past seventeen years. 

Things got somber and serious for a moment, and as our stores and offices and places of worship and gathering go dark, I offer this as a wish that we may find each other here and on other social media platforms. Isolated but not alone. 

Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’ album celebrated the anniversary of its release in 1989. Times were simpler then. I wanna take you there…

And speaking of the 80’s, here is my underwear-clad homage to ‘Weird Science’ and all its crop-topped glory. Who knows what my closets might cough up this week? 

Hunks of the Day included Dominic Albano, Matthew Dempsey, Telly Leung, Russell Todd, Tom Goss and Sam Morrison.

Every now and then I have a moment of learning that happens in real time, not in retrospect, and I am completely aware it is happening as it happens. Most recently it occurred at a coffeehouse across the street from my office building. It was on my last full day at the office before we began isolation. All I wanted on my lunch break was a coffee and a cookie, preferably served with a minimum of small talk and chatter.

The barista lit up when I walked in. A sign indicating that they were only doing take-out orders, and that people could no longer use mugs brought in from home, hung on the door. The times were changing at a rapid pace. Already downtown Albany was largely deserted. Most of the places that had been open since I started my first state job in 2001 were closed. There was an apocalyptic feel in the air, a strange sense of doom and foreboding. Spring had arrived, but it was cloaked in a strange sickness. I remained upbeat, closing the door behind me and ordering a coffee and a kitchen sink cookie. If this was the last time I would be in this coffeehouse, I’d be damned if I didn’t get a cookie.

I asked how long they were going to be open and he said as long as payroll can afford to keep people on, they’d be open. I was happy to hear it. I didn’t know then that I wouldn’t be downtown for a while, and all I cared about was the supply of coffee and cookies ~ something that suddenly seemed to be in danger. He continued talking, always a risk when you open up a line of seemingly-innocuous questioning, and often why I tend not to engage. My inner voice sighed and started its usual loop of ‘Please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me, please stop talking to me’ while my real voice said empty words of agreement, my head nodded up and down, and my eyes darted elsewhere.

Then he paused as he handed me the cup of coffee. “It’s not really about business or payroll, it’s about this, and he motioned to me and our interaction, “It’s about the social connection.” My inner voice was about to make a sarcastic quip, but stopped itself.

“You’re right,” I said out loud.

I turned to go out the door and looked back, wanting to say something more, but he was already back on his phone, head down and typing away. I guess our limited social exchange was enough for the moment. 

The next day, most of our office was sent home. I thought I would be relieved at the news ~ and health-wise and social-distance wise I am. Yet as much as I know it’s for the best, I’m conflicted. As I looked at Marline and later at Skip doing his FaceBook live posts to reach out, I realized how difficult it would be for everyone else, especially those for whom social interaction is such a vital and important part of their make-up. My heart broke a little as I said a quick goodbye to Sherri and Jen, and I understood that I might not see my friends for a while. Lorie drove me home and I was grateful for one last bit of time with her. Later that day, Suzie dropped off a board game ~ Life, no less ~ that I had asked for in service of a photo shoot. I had assembled a bunch of ridiculous nonsense for her and her family in a large shopping bag, so we made a quick exchange. She stood a good ten feet away as I hovered in the doorway. Maybe I need people more than I realize. Maybe I’m a bit more social than I thought I was. Maybe this is loneliness.

Any socially-anxious introvert will gladly tell you that being in isolation is not exactly a bad thing. To be honest, I was waiting for the opportunity to try it out, to see how enjoyable it would be for those of us who have to muster an enormous reserve of energy simply to get through an average day of interacting with people ~ strangers, friends and family alike. What I was not expecting was the wave of empathy and emotion that came from seeing how it affected others. People like my friends Chris and Marline and Skip are at their best when they are surrounded by friends and loved ones. They need that physical engagement and interaction, they need that connection. They need that hug. It’s what helps them thrive and survive in this crazy world. 

The guy at the cafe reminded me of that, and as I headed home for who knew how long, my heart broke not for my loneliness, but for theirs. 

Upon first appearance, this may seem like a relatively short post for my long–winded ass. That’s because it contains a multitude of secrets behind each and every word (even the ‘and’s and ‘but’s). Yes, you lucky readers and seekers and finders of endless nonsense, every single word in this post is a link to another blog entry. Normally, my links are long and luxurious, strung together by a collection of words for easy clicking and instant access to a relevant topic. Not so today. This will bring you to this and this will bring you to this and this, well, you don’t even want to know where that (this) will bring you. Think of the entire post as a Quasi–Choose–Your–Own–Adventure that will open doors you never even dreamed existed. Oh what times we’re going to have!

Suzie and I once half–heartedly almost started a fanzine – wait that wasn’t the term… damn, the memory is gone – anyway, a homemade magazine – and we were going to title it ‘Smorgasbord’ because we didn’t know any better. I still don’t, so click away and see what you find. Bookmark this page too, for whenever you need something to occupy your time, like late at night when your brain is too fried to sleep and too exhausted to chew on anything of substance. It’s better than a crossword puzzle. Promise.

In this post I mentioned that the first part of getting through a time of social distancing was to be ok with being in your own company. I didn’t elaborate because that is a topic that could take years to fully unload and dissect, and it really is different for each individual. For me, social distancing comes rather easy. It is my natural state to turn toward solitude. Being alone has never been frightening or bothersome – I’ve welcomed it at every turn. Most humans are more sociable than that, however, so suddenly going without regular human interaction may be uncomfortable and scary. The only piece of advice I can offer is to move through it. Experience it. Feel it. Sit in silence, alone and without your phone or other distractions, and feel the fear. Lean into the discomfort. Face it and honor what you’re feeling. Take a deep breath slowly in and let it slowly out. Focus on that breath. Take another. See if you can slow down enough to take ten deep breaths, thinking only of that breath and counting each one off as you inhale and exhale.

I don’t pretend this will be easy. Even for someone who enjoys solitude, it took some getting used to. We’ve spent the last decade or so surrounding ourselves with noise and alerts and text whistles and a hurried pace of life that is clearly not sustainable if we are all to survive. We don’t know how to stop and sit still. We don’t know how to exist in silence. We don’t know how to survive without distraction. And so it will be difficult the first few times you find yourself alone with only your breathing. You will likely feel antsy, like you should be doing something else – anything else – but just sit with that for a while. Sit with yourself. At the most difficult times in life, at the easiest times in life, at the happiest and the most sorrowful, you’ve had one constant companion, even if you’ve always looked to or been surrounded by others. The one single person who’s been through it all, right by your side, and will be until the end – the sole person who will never desert you. 

This realization can be upsetting and jarring for some people. We want so badly to think that life only matters when there is love, and love always seems to involve another person, but that’s not really the case. There’s self-love, which gets more of a bad rap these days than it deserves, and I’ll admit there are all sorts of self-love that aren’t genuine and aren’t what I’m talking about here. See, this branches off into so many other areas it’s impossible to make sense in a post or two, but it’s a start. And it’s worth the effort. Because if you can be happy with being alone with yourself, you will always have the best company no matter what happens.

Every now and then it feels like things get too dense around here. At those times I will inject a bit of levity, some whimsical flower or feather to give a little breathing room, just so we don’t all suffocate from all the preciousness on display.

Doing its part for that purpose, this Lenten rose brings us a dose of beauty and simplicity. A freshness to shake off the dusty wings that winter has refused to let fly. All I ask is that you pause for a moment in your day – not now if this is an inconvenient time – but at some point pause and take in the beauty of this simple bloom. Take the moment for yourself, take it as the briefest form of meditation in a day that may be otherwise rushed or hushed or embattled with worldly concerns. But do take it. You deserve that much. And having taken it, you will be better able to be of service to others. Whether it’s getting a meal together for your family, or taking out the dog or trash, or simply being a little kinder to the person with whom you spend your life.

These little things matter.

The littlest blooms count.

Boys and girls, young and old, step right up and prepare the way for Uncle Al’s Homeschooling Hoopla! The following schedule is a super-serious take on how I might conduct a day of homeschooling activities for kids of all ages and religious denominations. We’ll begin at 8 sharp! {Feel free to use all or any of this if you need help composing a day of activities for your children. I am here for you. Pluck the knowledge from my child-caring plumage!}

8:00- 8:30 AM ~ Rise & Wine Breakfast: And by ‘8 AM’ that means I don’t want to see you before 8:15. What kind of beast shows up for a party on time? Now, if it’s 8:15 we shall begin with a little light wine. Oh shit, you can’t do alcohol, can you? Well, what about a mimosa? Still no? Ok, avocado toast and a perfectly poached egg. Why are you looking at me like that? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

8:30 – 8:58 AM ~ Primping & Poetry: To the words of Mary Oliver or Dorothy Parker (depending on what sort of mood the rug-rats put me in) we will lounge languorously, mirrors in hand, primping and perfecting our hair for the long day ahead. Appearance is tantamount to talent in today’s world. Better you learn that here before some cruel child teaches you the hard way!

8:58 – 10 AM ~ Silent Reading: I said silent, mofos! Or, as the kids text me these days, STFU! #shhh

10:00 – 11:00 AM ~ Yoga for Beginners: when done correctly, yoga is more than gentle breathing, it can be a veritable work out. This will stretch their little bodies while hinting at a spirituality and calm that will likely mean nothing to them, and that they will likely never achieve. Downward, you dogs.

11:00 – 11:17 AM ~ The Music of Madonna: a daily dose of Madonna does wonders for a child’s mind. We’ll begin with ‘Erotica‘, move through ‘Medellin‘, and finish off with ‘Secret Garden.’ There’s a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain. #WWMD

11:17 – 11:29 AM ~ Snack/Crack Break: maybe something with peanut butter? Allergies, you say? Take half a Zyrtec and calm the fuck down. I’ll put it in the peanut butter like we do for dogs. Eat it on a Ritz. We got Cheez Whiz too.

11:29 AM – 12:00 PM ~ Lunch Break: yes, we just had a snack. What are you gonna do? Call Child Rejection Services? Good luck, I already tried! And tell them to bring food because all that’s left is olives.

12:00 – 1:51 PM ~ Creative Crafting & Messy Shit That You Better Clean Up Or This Will Never Happen Again: beading, painting, drawing, coloring, diorama-making, pom-pom-making, advanced beading, crocheting, needlework, hyper-advanced beading, scarf-tying, sand-in-the-bottle bullshit, and all the like. Let your creative juices flow! And if you get any on the rug I’ll beat you with whatever nonsense you just made.

1:51 – 2:14 PM ~ Princess walking: how to walk like a Princess. (If time allows we will delve into how to wave like one too.)

2:14 – 2:30 PM ~ Snatching crowns: this quick lesson concerns learning the oft-forgotten art of taking the glory that would otherwise go to someone else.  Snatch the crown of another, even if you didn’t earn it! One step beyond self-defense, this is about going on the attack before anyone gets a chance to attack you. I didn’t make the world we live in, I’m just trying to prepare you for it. I don’t want to alarm anyone either; ignore these life-lessons at your own future-peril.

2:30 – 3 PM ~ Millinery: the lost artisan skill of hat-making deserves to flourish again. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Extra points for extra feathers, and a veil wins the day.

3:00 – 3:33PM ~ Mindful meditation: at least, we intend to begin with some mindful meditation. I’m certain that a thimble of nighttime cough syrup will aid in the desired state of restful sleep that will actually slide this half-hour into at least 47 minutes.

3:33 well, 3:47 – 4:00 PM ~ Sugar Send-Off: right before it’s time to send the wee ones packing and back to their parents, I shall fill them up with Pop Rocks, Sweet Tarts, chocolate chip cookies, cathedral windows, ice cream, soda, maybe a dusting of crack, and some CBD to calm them all down. Bye kids! And parents, please leave with the one you brought and not that magnificent silk wrap you’ve been eyeing. I see you.