Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Birthday Wishes & Resources

It’s red alert time: there is less than one month until my birthday. Sound the alarm. All hands on deck. Coordinate those Amazon orders so we don’t have a duplicate of colognes like we did several Christmases ago. Better yet, go outside of the box and just get me any underwear from Tom Ford in size small (they run big). If you’re looking for a guaranteed grand-slam, here are several other offers with links where to get them in timely fashion.

Creed’s ‘Royal Oud’ is absolutely exquisite, and it’s got the richness and smokiness to see if out of summer, which is where my birthday is so dangerously situated. In many ways it was always the last safe celebration of summer. Labor Day was too late. (Helpful shopping hint: Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus will sometimes have big single-item sales that extend to their fragrances – these are a steal for cologne, which rarely goes on sale.)

As mentioned many times in this space, Tom Ford can do no wrong. Here are some of my favorite underwear selections – I’ll give you several choices so as to prevent overlap, and even if there is some, that’s fine. There’s always room for an extra pair of underwear. Option one, option two, option three, option four, and option five.

I’m currently inspired by John Sargent Singer and his work with Thomas Keller; the former was friends with Henry James, leading me into this gorgeous cologne, ‘Portrait of a Lady’ which I’ve been resisting for a couple of years, thought it’s been haunting me ever since I first sniffed it in Boston. Fragrance and literature: a match made in heaven. (Again, look into whether Saks Fifth Avenue or Bergdorf Goodman has a sale.)

If you’re still in doubt, there’s always Amazon

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Tiny Threads: An Insignificant Series

Dramatic narrator’s voice: Out of all the first world problems, perhaps the greatest is coaxing the California King duvet back into its cover.

#TinyThreads

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Pool of the Past

While we wait ever-so-patiently for the new pool liner to come in, here’s a glimpse of the distant past ~ a pool shot taken way back in 2000, in the summer when I met Andy. That summer was largely a rainy one, but there were glimpses of sun, and a fair share of pool-ready days. Coupled with the central ari conditioning system at my parents’ house, it was a no-brainer to escape to the heat of Boston and spend the season in Amsterdam. (New York – upstate. Don’t think it was the better-known Amsterdam in glamorous Europe. The only pot we had came from the dog next door.)

It was the dawn of the new millennium but the music charts harkened to the hey-day of the 1980’s with Madonna’s ‘Music’ just coming up and Janet Jackson’s ‘Doesn’t Really Matter’ surfacing at #1. There were boy bands in the form of the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, and at 25 ripe years of age I still hadn’t quite decided to age out of stanning for them. In so many ways, it feels like such a simpler time. We hadn’t yet been attacked on 9/11, and our country certainly hadn’t lost 150,000 people to a pandemic and poor leadership.

Nutty, nutty, nutty indeed…

Such a simpler time. Even Britney was still that innocent, and Janet’s nipple piercing was but a wanna-be twinkle in Justin Timberlake’s eyes. Summer was the way summer should be – light and effervescent, with just enough rain to cast a subtle melancholy glow over certain days, but not enough to dampen the spirits for longer than a few hours. It rebounded in sunshine and sunflowers, elongating through the underestimated month of September, even daring to seep into the first couple of weeks of October.

More than a pool or even the ease of summer, today I long for the simplicity that comes with being twenty-five years old in the year 2000. That won’t ever happen again, not for anyone. The world has changed. And summer will forever be different.

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High Sum Recap

The temperature is scheduled to hit 98 degrees today because we still don’t have a working pool, and you have Andy and I to thank for all the wonderful weather we’ve had of late. Should our pool ever open again, prepare for the deluge of wet weather, if not downright snow. On with the recap because I’m actually starting to get annoyed now; even meditation has its limits. 

Ghosts of guest books past.

The pretty plumcot.

When in doubt, default to Tom Ford‘s words of wisdom.

Phloxy.

Andy and I met twenty years ago

Two decades of A&A.

Reaping the beginning of the harvest.

Give me joy, my boy!

Silent Saturday blooms.

An almost unhappy ending

Taylor Swift’s new album ‘Folklore’ is fucking phenomenal

Twice Upon A Watercolor.

23 minutes and counting.

Remembering and honoring a friend.

Hunks of the Day included Duncan Rock, Colin Cowie, Bubba Wallace, and Tyler Cameron.

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A Well-Lived Life, A Much-Missed Friend

It was at a cast party for one of the summer productions of the Ogunquit Playhouse where we first met Eric and Lonnie in person. We became instant friends, and they were gracious enough to fold us into their friendship circle with ease and assurance, as if we’d been friends all our lives. That evening we promised to get in touch whenever we found ourselves in Maine, and through the years our friendship deepened.

Eric had been the first to reach out over FaceBook, and in person he was just as gregarious and charming as his online posts had been. Quick to engage and laugh, his smile was a wonder to behold. He could summon it with just his eyes, even before the world went hidden behind our masks, or he could use his whole face to widen it and encompass all the joy of the word in one single look. It could be mischievous and cunning when he was cutting with his wit, or quiet and somber when contemplative with the weight of the world. Above all else it was kind and generous, gathering in his loved ones as if in one constant, continuous embrace.

He and Lonnie made one of those couples who become an entity of themselves. It was always Eric and Lonnie, or Lonnie and Eric – the best kind of love and companionship when two people become gorgeously intertwined for all time. We never knew them apart from each other – there was never a time when they weren’t in love.

We were lucky to meet up with them for dinners and lunches in Ogunquit when we were in town. They added to the charm and magic of our favorite beautiful place by the sea, lending the rich resonance of friendship that makes travel even more enjoyable and enriching. My Mom joined us all for a lunch, and she was instantly smitten with them as well. They took to her immediately, and it was a lesson for me in how being open and welcoming to people is its own form of kindness, something I’d never really considered in my socially-introverted world.

They were sweet enough to invite us to their wedding at their home in Grey, and it remains one of the most touching wedding ceremonies we’ve ever attended. On a glorious summer day they stood in their beautiful backyard beside an abundance of flowering prettiness, exchanged their vows, and brought their friends and family together – all of us meeting new friends and falling under the spell of Eric and Lonnie and their uncanny way of making everyone feel like part of one big family. They cultivated friends like Eric cultivated his magnificent gardens – each of us some special daylily or dahlia in their eyes. It was a testament to their own goodness that everyone we met that day was filled with a kindness and grace that I often find missing in our daily brushes with humanity.

That trip also offered us a chance to stay in nearby Portland for the first time, a place that Lonnie and Eric had found so enchanting, a feeling we would discover on our own. We would return a year or two later, meeting up with them for dinner and drinks, and as another summer burned itself into the past we promised to meet up again in Ogunquit.

We never made it there to see them again. Eric was diagnosed with cancer, and I followed his difficult journey from a distance. He managed to throw it off the first time, but another bout ended up taking him. He and Lonnie were able to make one last trip to Mexico, doing what they loved most, and I was always happy to think of that.

His obituary expresses it best: “Eric Stoddard Baxter completed his life circle.” He did indeed, and what a wonderfully full and rich life it was. Now, my thoughts turn to Lonnie, who keeps Eric’s spirit and memory alive in all that he does. Another friend gone from this earth, but not distant from our hearts.

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23 Minutes of Sunday Space

The first slow, deep intake of breath is usually the quickest of the session. The body takes a moment to slow itself down. The brain, depending on the day, takes a little longer. But by the second inhalation and exhalation, as my eyes close out what the daylight illuminates, a new light and expanse spreads itself out before me. A universe unfurls from within my mind, pushing out the mundane worries and concerns, leaving no space for discontentment or restlessness. 

This might seem like some sort of magic or New Age hokey-pokey, but it’s actually an ancient practice, something humans have been doing for centuries, and the ones who practice it religiously are usually the ones who are most at peace with their lives. I’m nowhere near that total sense of peace and calm, but I’m a little closer than I was just a few short months ago, and that is largely due to meditation. After starting out at just five minutes a day, I’m up to 23. Not a lot, and that’s ok. It’s enough. For 23 minutes of each day, I sit calmly and quietly in the lotus position, close my eyes, and gradually push away the worries of the world. When the time is done, my mind is clear, and it’s a clarity that lasts a little longer with each passing day. It’s also a clarity which I can sometimes summon when I need a moment of calm. A few deep breaths and I return to the space of calm and quiet. 

It’s not magic, though it sometimes feels like it. It’s the simple act of meditation. Moments of mindfulness.

While there’s a certain element of sacrilege to invoking the fall this early in the summer, my plan is to reach 25 minutes a day by the time the seasons change, and then the long trudge to and through winter, when I’ll hopefully see what half-an-hour of meditation can do. 

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Project of the Past: Once Upon A Watercolor ~ 2019

It was only a year ago when we were celebrating my first project that was specifically designed for children, about as far as one can get from the titillating stripteases typical of my oeuvre, and as such one of the most exciting and intriguing projects I’ve ever completed. ‘Once Upon A Watercolor’ was a literal, and artistic, return to my childhood. When I was a kid I absolutely adored art of all kinds, but I was especially drawn to things of vibrant color – paint and crayons and markers and pastels. The most pleasing sight to me was an array of artistic media arranged in rainbow order. That love for color has never left me, neither has my love for the whimsical and charming.

I did my best to bring all of those happy components into a project that was born from the atrocities of the ‘PVRTD’ book of photography from the previous year. The winter that followed found the world falling further into disrepair and deterioration, echoing the dim themes of ‘PVRTD’ in stark, gray-shaded fashion.

I wanted something saturated with watercolor whimsy, light-hearted and frivolous, with just the slightest little lesson hidden among its prettiness. I wanted something I could show my niece and nephew and all the children of my friends, who had all started to grow up too quickly. Mostly, I wanted to return to play, to exploring, to painting without a care in the world how awful or amateurish it might appear. That winter, painting color on paper kept me sane, and seeded the idea of a children’s story. There were no grand illusions that this would be some classic work of art that stood up next to the likes of all those classic children’s books that had occupied my childhood. This was a private love letter that threaded all the names of the kids I had come to know into a silly story about a summer party, to be released at a very similar Flower Party that would unknowingly be the last big party we would throw for quite some time.

Taking away all serious intent freed me up to be as frivolous and fun as I wanted to be, a much-welcome change of pace from practically all of my previous projects. That may have been one of the very first sparks that signaled the realization that I was taking things way too seriously. Leave it to the children to lead the way.

{See ‘Once Upon A WaterColor’ here. Also see ‘StoneLight’, ‘The Circus Project’, ‘A Night at the Hotel Chelsea’, ‘A 21stCentury Renaissance: The Resurrection Tour’, ‘Bardo ~ The Dream Surreal’,  â€˜The Delusional Grandeur Tour: Last Stand of a Rock Star’ and ‘PVRTD’.}

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Back in the Camp of Taylor Swift Fandom

For all of her career, Taylor Swift has put me on a pendulum of love and hate. It would regularly and consistently swing back and forth between the two emotions ~ for every ‘Out of the Woods’ there was some shot of her dancing in the audience of some awards show. I had whiplash from the extremes she inspired.

The past few years, and her last couple of albums, have made me more solidly on the love side, as she courted more dance-pop maneuvers and took some brave political stances against the Republican awfulness happening right now.

Then, in a surprise move paved by Beyonce, Swift released an entire album of new material without more than a day’s warning. Whimsically entitled ‘folklore’ I didn’t expect much in this collection of songs created during the COVID isolation we have all been going through. Quite frankly, I was ready to be rather annoyed by some tortured isolationist bullshit by another super-rich celebrity who was finding it difficult to quarantine in their three mansions by the sea.

I was wrong.

This album is quite possibly the best Taylor Swift album I’ve heard. Hell, it’s the only Swift album I’ve heard in its entirety because it is just that good. It doesn’t have any instantly-boffo bops like ‘Shake It Off’, and it may be lacking the aural-candy of her recent pop hooks, but what she delivers in place of those popularity grabs is a cohesive soundscape of story songs. It emits a chilled-out vibe that has it uncharacteristically categorized as an alternative album ~ surely the first in her career ~ and may just be the antidote for a summer of discontent and horror.

(Lead single ‘Cardigan’ isn’t even the best of the bunch – try ‘Exile’ or ‘August’ or ‘This Is Me Trying’.) The collection of ‘folklore’ deserves to be heard in its entirety, on a somber summer day, or a sultry summer night, and this kind of artistry and power transcends genre, image, and reinvented musical glory.

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Birds of Prayer

After dissuading a pair of robins from nesting next to our patio, I stumbled upon their second attempt at a nest deeper in our small backyard, cunningly camouflaged within the variegated foliage of the Wolf’s Eye Chinese dogwood tree. There, in the crux of the branches, was an intricately-woven marvel of engineering that housed a trio of the tell-tale blue eggs (hence the original nudge away from heavily-trafficked areas such as the patio – had we allowed them to stay there, we would not have been able to walk past without risk of territorial attack).

I was happy to have the nest where it was, since I was the one who oh-so-unceremoniously put a kibosh on their original location (as is my habit this year, it seems). This was much better, and afforded me the opportunity to visit and keep track of their progress. Every day I would walk out to the protective canopy of the Wolf’s Eye dogwood, gently part the branches to reveal the nest, and from a safe distance snap a few photos. 

Checking on them as the hot days unfolded, I finally found them in the midst of breaking through the bright blue shells, their tiny pink bodies entering the world, so pure and unprotected. So devastatingly vulnerable. How could such tender and delicate things ever survive this world?

Somehow, they lasted – first one day, then two, and soon they were taking more recognizable form. Fuzzy, downy fur developed into the tiniest feathers. Beaks protruded and elongated. Eyes eventually opened. Life took its course against all odds. 

The baby robins grew little by little, becoming more animated and engaging. When awake, they would crane their necks upward, straining to reach whatever figure was in the vicinity – parent or not – so eager were they for sustenance and care.

On the morning of our anniversary, Andy called me outside to a commotion in the Japanese maple across from the dogwood tree. It seemed all the birds of the neighborhood were screaming and squawking, gathering and hopping from branch to branch in excited, agitated, and apparently terrified distress. The robins were most upset, but there was consternation in the cardinals, concern from a catbird, and fear from a pack of finches. The cries sounded like anguish and warning. I thought immediately of the robin’s nest, and cautiously walked in that direction.

Pulling apart the curtain of dogwood branches, I found the nest upended and in disarray. It looked like something had pulled it apart. No baby robins were to be found in the tree, or under it. I assumed there was one where the birds had gathered in such upset but when I approached they began the typical swooping and dive-bombing that meant I was not welcome there.

At that moment the sky was about to open. It had turned dark gray and was just waiting to pounce. I hurried back toward the patio, when I came upon one of the baby robins. Calling to Andy, I asked what we should do. He asked if I could right the nest. I did so, and he scooped the little robin up in his hands and deposited it back in the nest. The birds continued their agitated vigil near the Japanese maple, but the storm had arrived so we had to rush inside. We’d saved one, and who knew if they would return to the nest anyway.

Andy surmised it was an attack from a hawk or possibly a crow – both have been known to raid other nests. The thunder sounded and the rain poured down in a deluge that I hoped would be healing. It passed quickly, and when we looked back outside a cat was prowling the area, licking its lips – the likely offender. It slinked back toward the maple where the birds were once again screeching. I did my best to chase it away. I looked for the other little birds but couldn’t find them. 

We watched from back inside the house to see if the robins would return to the baby we had returned to the nest. We didn’t have much hope. But when the rain subsided and light came back into the sky, we saw an adult with a worm in its mouth fly over to a branch near the dogwood, and then, in a wonderful moment of relief and hope, it returned to the nest and fed the last remaining baby. Together, Andy and I had saved one little bird from the cruel attack of life. It was all we could do and, on that morning, it was enough. 

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A Saturday Blooms Silently

This pretty pink lily was open when we visited my parents a couple of days ago. It’s been coming up faithfully for the past several years, without expanding or multiplying, but also without diminishing. There’s something to be said for simply sustaining, and surviving, especially in this insane world. I captured it here for you to view, even if you can’t quite sniff its exquisite perfume. 

Saturdays should bloom like this lily – quietly, delicately, sweetly, and beautifully. Summer mornings are much too fleeting. We must stop to smell the flowers, pausing in the quick passing of the sunny season. I’ll keep this morning post brief so you can do something like that. Meet me back here in a  few hours for something more substantial. 

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Give Me Joy

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP.

We interrupt the litany of social media awfulness with this badly-needed break of pure unadulterated musical joy: ‘Cherish’ by Madonna. A ‘joyous little whirl without end, amen’ it’s a song that lifts the lowest spirits, conjuring the beachside romp of its epic Herb Ritts-directed video, when art and music and pop and beauty collided in gorgeous amalgamation.

We need more of this these days.

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Tomatoes Coming Into Fruition

It’s been several years since Andy and I tried our hands at growing vegetables, but this summer seemed a good one to explore a trio of new tomato varieties, and the hot sun has proven amenable to helping them ripen sooner than usual. The ‘Early Girl’ has already provided the larger specimens you see here, while a cherry tomato bush has already started its prolific fruit parade.

In these early days, I’ve been guilty of popping off the first few ripe cherry tomatoes and putting them immediately into my mouth, their tart sweetness exploding the moment I break their scarlet skin. There’s something incredibly gratifying about growing your own food and simply plucking it from the backyard. It speaks to some primordial instinct to self-sustain. That’s one of the great underlying lessons of the garden.

Andy used to grow tomatoes in his old garden in Guilderland, and for the first few years we did the same at our home here. Like roses, though, they can be tricky, especially in years when the weather is not quite agreeable or a blight seizes upon the plants wilting them seemingly overnight. So far we’ve done all right this summer.

Aside from simply ingesting them unadorned and unprepared, I like to indulge in the most basic dishes that feature tomatoes – a tomato and mayo sandwich on plain white bread, for instance, or with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Fancier fare will come later with BLTs and mozzarella slices with fresh basil, but for now it’s enough to enjoy the tangy magnificence on its own.

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A Low-Key Anniversary

Like all things 2020, our 20th anniversary will be a low-key celebration, with a visit to the parents in Amsterdam and a dinner at a favorite restaurant. Andy suggested the visit to Dad, as well as the restaurant selection – both were good ideas, as are most of his plans. That it’s become a bit of a family affair is only fitting. I took the day off from working (at home) simply to relax and enjoy some quiet time with Andy. After twenty years of ‘events’ it’s been nice to not have any for a while. 

It’s also nice to look back, so here are some links on just a little bit of the fun we’ve had.

It began with a license to wed.

Ten years ago, looking back ten years before that

There have been many birthdays… many, many birthdays….

Some surprises

A holiday card

A very happy wedding ceremony

A Boston stroll

A Maine event

A renovation

A trio of wishes

A pair of Uncles

A Valentine’s Day post

A quartz lesson

Andy’s woody

Cakedom

A bump in the night

A fifteen-year moment

A car show

A radio show

Blasts from the past

A goodbye to Andy’s Dad

Another birthday

A somber holiday start

Meeting Andy’s Mom

A Broadway plan

A Saratoga date

An anniversary scented by lilacs…

A New York trip to see an idol…

Yet another birthday

A joint cooking adventure

Just one of those things

#19… and counting…

A Savannah sojourn

A couple of owls

A home of our own

A look back

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Twenty Years Ago Tonight…

“You’re not the man of my dreams, but I fell in love with you anyway.” ~ Andy, circa 2000

Perhaps it’s as close to perfect as life gets that Andy often has the most succinct way with words. Case in point was this quote, spoken to me in the earliest days of our relationship, which on first reading (and hearing) seems ripe for criticism, but has since come to embody an exquisitely honest illumination on the most enduring romantic relationship of my lifetime. Twenty years ago today I met Andy VanWagenen while minding my own business and having a rare solo Sunday night out at a sleepy Oh Bar. Looking back through my Backstreet Boys day planner from 2000, I see the entry, so seemingly simple and matter-of-fact: meet Andy at Oh Bar, overnight. I went home with him and that was that – our life suddenly laid out, the next two decades designed to unfurl in happy fashion, guided by the gentle nudges of destiny and forged by a shared commitment to one another. It sounds so simple when taken in such celebratory context, as if every day of twenty years didn’t come with its own challenges, the way life interrupts and throws its road-blocks up when you least expect or want them.

Andy lost his Mom as we were about to spend our second holiday season together. I lost my favorite Uncle and my Gram. Friends and family members got married. Some ended up getting divorced. Some had kids, and we had a new niece and nephew, and even a grand nephew. When it was finally legal, Andy and I got married too (ten years into our relationship). Life had its wild and unpredictable way with us, granting us joyful days tempered with difficult ones. Andy lost his Dad, and we both started to lose friends and people we’d grown up with. Through it all, whenever things turned especially sad or bleak, as much as when they were giddy and ecstatic, we would turn to each other. For two people who were in many ways loners at heart, we found a wonderfully comfortable companionship, one that has sustained itself for twenty years.

We still argue, we still laugh, and we still discover new things about the other even at this late stage. Most importantly, we still love. Even when we fail and fall short, we still love. Even when we’re not the men of our dreams, we still love. Two decades into our shared lives, we still love…

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Phloxy

One of the backbones of many a classic perennial bed or border is phlox. Coming into a relatively long season of bloom at the height of summer, these statuesque plants can rise anywhere from one to three feet tall, making a significant statement in the garden. Their blooms are voluminous and imbued with a subtle sweet perfume. (Some of the literature says these are highly fragrant but I’ve not encountered that in my admittedly limited experience with these glorious plants.) 

My main complaint, and the reason I haven’t grown any in many years, is their propensity to develop mildew in our hot and humid summers. The same fate befalls our peonies, but I love them too much to be dissuaded. Phlox, however, are a different story. And maybe that’s unfair. There are varieties that have proven resistant to the dreaded mildew, and it may be time to try some new ones out. Aside from the cup plant, not much in the way of exciting blooms is happening right now. The butterfly bush is a bit behind, the hydrangeas are just cresting their surprisingly good show, and the rose-of-sharon has just started putting forth its buds. Perhaps it’s phloxy time. 

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