Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

America just barely survived a coup attempt by Trump and the MAGA domestic terrorists, and the fact that some people are still ok with that and want to move on is so unfathomable and infuriating, I’ve needed to decompress. Here’s the brief encapsulation: at the prompting of Trump, a mob of angry MAGA Trump supporters attacked the Capitol, where our nation’s elected leaders were at work, and broached and defiled that sacred space in the name of sedition and overthrowing American democracy. It ended with five people dead, including one police officer.

My husband is a retired police officer, so this probably hit our home a little harder than all the awfulness of Trump’s MAGA terrorists has hit us over the past four years – which for me has been pretty damn hard. Hopefully justice is finally on the way for all involved in the insurrection. We have no more patience for it. Trump incited this. The GOP and media enabled it. I’ve been harping on and pointing it out for four years and I’m officially done with anyone giving space for all the hatred, racism, homophobia, and fascist bullshit that has resulted. All the ‘both sides’ nonsense, the false equivocations, the benefit of the doubt – no more. We don’t abide traitors to American democracy, and every little step that Trump supporters, Trump enablers, and MAGA terrorists have taken over the last four years has been noted. On with the recap, and on with justice.

Basement by candlelight. 

First pho of the year.

A snowy scene of calm.

Floating snowy world. 

A message for the MAGA terrorists.

Sometimes only a cookie will do. 

A moment of weariness.

A snowy night surrounds. 

Wild & crazy Saturday night. 

My Mom always makes me proud. 

I made this soup for my Dad. 

Here’s the deal: it’s Saturday night, America just barely survived a fucking coup attempt, and I just need a Cadbury Creme Egg before the world comes to an end.

Not gonna lie: this week has worn me down and worn me out. 

I’m exhausted and drained from the inexhaustible disappointment of humanity. 

I’m tired of shouting righteous outrage on social media. 

I’m sick of watching the news, almost as sick as I am of what’s happening on the news. 

I’m just spent – empty, hollow, deflated – and I’m not sure what kind of self-care will change or alter that. 

I spent the past few days watching the news, which is never a great idea, but it felt important. This is not normal, this is not ok, and the people who pretend it is, or that there are two sides to this, are just as culpable. 

What’s worse, and what scares me just the slightest bit, is that I’m starting to not care. Maybe that shouldn’t frighten me so. Maybe that’s survival. I know it’s a coping mechanism because I’ve reached points of exasperation with the state of the world this past week when I had to shrug off the news, retreat into my daily meditation, and gain the fifteen to twenty minutes after the session for a window of peace and calm. That helps. Meditation always helps. But it’s not enough to inspire me. 

I don’t even feel much like writing here. 

Today I just need to eat a few cookies and limit time online. 

We shall see…

(Here’s the circuitous route to the recipe.)

Hey MAGA Member  – You aren’t fighting for freedom- you’re part of an insurrection against the United States of America. You’re not fighting for #BlueLivesMatter – you just fought and terrorized police officers to breach the Capitol. You’re not an Antifa member disguised as a Trump supporter – you ARE a Trump supporter, waving your confederate flags and Trump flags, defiling and desecrating our American institutions. And we see you.

We see you breaking and entering a federal building. We see you stealing Nancy Pelosi’s mail and sitting in her office. We see you punching police officers and chasing unarmed guards around the halls. We see you rummaging through the desks of elected officials. We see your attempted coup and we will note it for posterity.

At first I was disheartened and saddened by what was unfolding today, but as I watched in such horror, my husband gently reminded me that your small band of terrorists will not topple America so easily. There are so many more of us – the vast majority of Americans – who will not stand for such an atrocity. We watched aghast as you paraded your faces and images across videos and television and social media – and we watched you pose for selfies amid your destruction. And it will not stand. We have seen you. You have pushed yourselves into the light, and we have seen you. You have tried to destroy our country, and we have seen you. The whole world has seen you. And we will remember.

America is better than this. 

And America will not stand for it. 

The floating world exists even in the snowy days of winter. 

Sometimes it feels closer then, with ice dancing down from the sky. 

On wooden blocks, paper umbrellas sealed with wax echo the pitter-patter of snowflakes. 

This floating world rustles winter snow drifts with the silk sleeves of kimono – an almost-imperceptible sound gleaned only under the hushed quiet of a snowfall. 

Winter solitude—
In a world of one color
The sound of wind. 

~ Basho

The morning after a snowfall is a thing of beauty and wonder, restoring the grace of the world from the blackest of nights. Most of us consider winter days to be the darkest of them all, but when there is snow, coupled with sunlight, there is a brightness unparalleled by summer, no matter how low the sun may hang in the sky right now. It’s the secret recompense of winter, the sweet spot of light and ice crystals, and clouds as fluffy as cotton candy. 

Let’s just take a moment to enjoy the beauty, to take in the wonder, to pause and gauge the grace. 

When the weather turns dreary, and darkness comes early, our basement provides a warm little retreat and respite from winter winds and snow-filled skies. A little gas fireplace provides heat and coziness, while a mid-century sectional has a couple of corner nooks that spill over with heavy blankets and fluffy pillows. There is a chaise lounge beneath a wall sconce that is ideal for reading, and I will sit there for hours with a book, no music or television to bother or make noise, no computer or phone to draw distraction, and no cares for the winter that rages just above and outside. 

There is a small silver tinsel tree that has a silver bowl of fairy lights beside it that I will keep lit for the remainder of the month. It was our only Christmas tree this year, and our only holiday decorations really, so I’ll extend its stay and enjoy the light. We need all the help we can get when winter has just begun, and the days have only started to elongate. By February, I will remove the tree to the storage area, and think more seriously about spring. For now, let there be this light. 

“You see there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was one known as humanity. Indeed, that’s what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant.. oh fuck it.” – The Grand Budapest Hotel

It was the week that saw the blessed end of 2020 and the quiet beginning of 2021. We are all taking things carefully and gently, a bit more-so than last year based on all the things we’ve learned and all the places the wise ones among us didn’t go. This first recap of the year crosses that calendar threshold, and in it is contained a multitude of recaps and memories, like some Russian nesting doll. Let’s get into this new year by letting the old one go.

A winter poem beneath the icicles.

Mask up. This is far from over. 

A New Year’s resolution. The only one I will make.

The bouquet of winter.

Let’s get naked & ridiculous!

The wretched awfulness of 2020: Part the First.

The awful wretchedness of 2020: Part the Second.

The frosty start to 2021 came with subtle beauty and quiet calm. 

Sparse space and spare style, fit for the new year.

A rose-tinted winter.

Making pepper nuts from a box. 

Shirtless glamour break, wreathed in tinsel.

A rose frag for a winter’s day.

Hunks of the Day included Spencer Treat Clark, Avan Jogia, Brandon Kyle Goodman, and Mark. S King.