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Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

When Scent Begets Memory

They have come to symbolize the very beginning and the very end of the winter season. The bloom of the Paperwhite narcissus brings back opposing memories. It happens that I either force them first thing in season, so their blooms come just as fall is ripening into winter, or I forget about them and end up forcing them at the very end of winter, just as the first spring thaws arrive, which is what happened this year. As such, the memories they trigger are at once conflicting – the gray days of November at odds with the gray days of March – but there are joys to be found in each segment of the calendar, and in a way their stature as bookends of winter is something of comfort.

Their fragrance is polarizing – though it’s all love from these parts. It brings me back to my very first experience forcing them. A friend of my Mom, joining us for a trip to Cape Cod, regaled me with tales of the forcing process, and I listened – fascinated and rapt with wonder at this new way of getting a bulb to bloom.

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Magnolia to Chrysanthemum

 
“In the mornings I drank the dew that dropped from the magnolia,
At evening ate the fallen petals of chrysanthemums…”
~ Qu Yuan
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Dazzler of the Day: Alex Beresford

The most epic and glorious take-down of the perennially nasty Piers Morgan came this week in the simple declarations of Alex Beresford, which prompted Premiere Snowflake Piers to walk off the set and quit the show. That alone would have been enough to name Alex Beresford as Dazzler of the Day, but underneath the armor of his on-air wardrobe lurks this specimen of fit fantasy, so he’s doing double duty today. 

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ABI Unplugged

The other day I went into the office and left my phone at home. I’ve never been one of those people who are glued to the phone – in fact, I was the last of my friends to even get a cel phone, and by far the last one to text – but eventually I gave in to both and made the most of it. Still, I prefer to go without than be bound to any technological crutch. I also tend to enjoy time alone and unbothered, so any excuse not to answer to texts or e-mails or calls is a blessing.

At first I did find myself reaching for the phone – out of habit – to check texts and e-mail, to see what people were posting on social media – but that only happened once. In its absence I soon felt a welcome respite of joy – the relief and release of not having easy access to FaceBook or Twitter or Instagram – and being separated from the social media world was a boon, particularly when at the office. That’s when something I realized only when it wasn’t instantly accessible, and it illuminated how reliant I’d become upon the phone as a way of escaping from the present moment. That’s not a good thing, at least not for me, and being mindful of the present moment is an integral piece of meditation that only seeps into the rest of life if you make the effort to let it.

On my lunch, instead of scrolling through everything I’d missed, head-down and oblivious to the world around me, I strolled through downtown Albany and could focus on every place and person I happened upon. The habitual nudge to document it with a few photos, or to stop and respond to someone’s text, was still with me, but the notion of FOMO, usually an accompaniment of being out of touch, had subsided. It reminded me of lunches long ago, before I even had a cel phone, when I would be fully present and invested in the world around me. Life felt simpler then because it was simpler. We survived and went about our lives just as contentedly, if not more-so, than today, when we can be in touch with everyone at a moment’s touch of the screen. It was a healthy reminder for me to step away from the phone, to step away from social media, and to step back into the beautiful real world all around me.

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Dazzler of the Day: Kristen Johnston

She was probably the most famous casualty in the entire ‘Sex & the City’ series, and she certainly went out in a memorable way (the cost of a cigarette in those days…) Anyway, Kristen Johnston is named Dazzler of the Day not only for her scene-stealing antics on-screen, but for her courageous and brave recovery from addiction (chronicled in her brilliant memoir ‘Guts: The Endless Follies and Tiny Triumphs of a Giant Disaster’). Check her out in this final season of the hilarious, and often moving, sitcom ‘Mom’ (made all the more exhilarating thanks to Johnston’s surprisingly tender portrayal of Tammy) and then find and follow her magnificent Twitter feed, @thekjohnston.

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Roses of Winter and Lent

These beauties showed up at my weekly visit to Faddegon’s, and I was reminded that I need to plant more of them outside. This is the Lenten rose; one of the first bloomers in the perennial border, they also have handsome and stalwart foliage that lasts and maintains its beauty throughout the entire season. In milder winters, some of it remains evergreen. We don’t have many mild winters in these parts, so by spring much of their evergreen tendencies have been worn to tattered and torn bits. I find it better to clip those off entirely so the plant can focus all its energy into new growth. Such is the brutal way of the garden. 

Back when I first planted the lone specimen we have in the backyard, my preferences were for shades of bright pink, speckled or striped petals, and the usual circus-like atmosphere of color and spectacle I favored a couple of decades ago. Now I find myself more drawn to the cream and soft green blooms that the genus offers, and will look to put on in this coming season. I wish I’d gotten to it sooner – they take several years to settle in and bloom, especially if they’re young, or gone through some trauma (such as transplanting tends to inflict). Even in this unsteady world, it feels good to plan for the future, just a bit. 

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The Art of Andy’s Reparation

One is bound to break a few things over the course of a lifetime. If you’re as emotionally clumsy as some of us, you’re bound to break quite a bit more – hearts, heads, spirits – and only if you’re lucky and especially careful can you claim not to have a made such a mess at one point or another. I’ve made my share of messes, though these days the things I break are objects and bad habits – both of which can be mended or, better, dispensed with entirely.

Yet a few months ago, a mug I’ve managed to keep intact for almost two decades, and one of my favorite objects, fell from my hands onto the kitchen floor and immediately broke into several pieces. The curse of 2020, Mercury in Retrograde, and who knows what else conspired to take it from me, and I despondently picked up the pieces as best as I could, chucking some of the smaller shards to keep our feet safe. I took a few photos to document its demise, before Andy came out and said he could fix it. 

Andy is quite good at mending things – usually all he needs is some glue, a baby screwdriver, or some spackle and sandpaper, but I didn’t have much faith because even if it went back together I would forever be fighting the mental image of my lips getting sliced by a sharp piece of broken cup. That said, I also had visions of ‘Kintsugi’ the Japanese art of mending broken pottery, so I wanted to see what Andy might manage. 

Kintsugi traditionally employs a tree sap laquer laced with powdered metal – such as gold or platinum – instead of a clear glue, to fix a piece of broken pottery. The intent is to highlight and beautify the cracks and fissures, making them part of the art and history of a piece. I love that idea – the notion of taking our faults and literally turning them into gold, into beauty, into art. In some ways, that is the goal of so much of my life. 

This was just a tea cup – a cheap one at that, originally procured on a whim from Marshall’s – and Andy was able to put it back together. That isn’t always the case, as we were immediately reminded a few weeks later: our furnace broke, after a three-day ordeal of fix-its and not-so-fix-its and it’s the sort of breakdown that can’t be fixed with pretty paint and golden veining. Rather than moan or lament our unlucky circumstance, we worked in tandem to figure out the best way to tackle the problem. Twenty-plus years into our relationship, we look in the same direction, seeking out the same goal, and a solution for when dilemmas arise, especially the unexpected ones. 

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Madonna’s Religion

The advent of Lent (only true Catholics will rejoice at what I did there) makes this a bit of a Madonna moment, so entwined has some of her music been with the Catholic religion. Her most spiritual albums have been released in the month of March – see ‘Like A Prayer‘ and ‘Ray of Light‘ – and she recently re-issued some ‘Like A Prayer’ remixes that are positively divine. I’m treating you to the ‘Churchapella’ version here for a lovely almost-acoustic take on her epic song – a song that has stood the tests of time and controversy to stand alone as a piece of perfect art. Just like a muse to me…

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Dazzler of the Day: Jonathan Tucker

From his dazzling performance in ‘Sleepers’ – a criminally under-appreciated gem from the 90’s that also had indelible performances by Brad Pitt, Jason Patric and Minnie Driver – to his current powerful turn on NBC’s ‘Debris’, Jonathan Tucker has been steadily adding dramatic heft to a career of fascinating roles. His shape-shifting is so good that he’s become one of those actors that disappears into every one of his characters while retaining a mystique that somehow adds to his star-power. Can’t wait to see where his career goes next.

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A Prim Spring on the Horizon

There’s not much upon we can definitively rely these days – far less than ever before, it certainly seems – but there has always been a spring, in some way, shape or form. We are almost there once again, and it will be here in a  few weeks. After the past year, however, we greet it hesitantly; as welcome and as needed as it is, I’m still wary. Too many plans have been derailed, too many perfect vacations canceled and erased from the calendar. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than depressingly disappointed. 

That doesn’t mean I haven’t given in to some of the hope that is in the air. 

A bouquet of jonquils has already come and gone in our kitchen. 

The tulips and hyacinths have started appearing in the markets.

And the primrose plants seen here are brightening up the greenhouses at Faddegon’s

All are signs that spring, in whatever way it will, shall come again. 

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The Madonna Timeline: Song #162 – ‘Crave’ – Summer 2019

{Note: The Madonna Timeline is an ongoing feature, where I put the iPod on shuffle and write a little anecdote on whatever was going on in my life when that Madonna song was released and/or came to prominence in my mind.}

I’M TIRED OF BEING FAR AWAY FROM HOME
FAR FROM WHAT CAN HELP
FAR FROM WHERE IT’S SAFE
HOPE IT’S NOT TOO LATE
RUSH, RUSH, RUSH ON YOU
LOVE, LOVE, LOVED ON YOU
LOVED YOU LIKE A FOOL
PUT MY TRUST IN YOU

Vines of chartreuse splendor wind down from the shade-giving canopy, while spires of new banana leaves rise from a bulky terra-cotta-hued pot. Together they form a veil of green, behind which the sparkling surface of the pool beckons, sometimes playfully, sometimes teasingly, and sometimes annoyingly when it’s dancing with rain. A hummingbird will come to visit, darting its tongue into the deep throats of the fuchsia and salvia, while robins will make a more bothersome and bold presence. To this, friends and family will add their joyous noise and bustle, enlivening the home and the yard and the summer itself.

It was the summer of 2019 – the last summer before the world stopped, before we were all stranded at home, suspended in place, our lives on pause.

‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CRAVE
AND MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
THE FEELINGS NEVER FADE
I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD PLAY WITH THIS
SAID COME, COME GIVE ME STRENGTH
I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THIS
‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CRAVE
AND MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
OOH (OOH), MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
OOH, I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD PLAY WITH THIS
OOH (OOH), MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
OOH, I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD WAIT

Recent cravings for Madonna had her timeline returning to the blog, and the next cut is already up: ‘Crave’ from 2019’s ‘Madame X’ opus. That summer was the last one when the world felt semi-sane and whatever normal was before the pandemic. We couldn’t know that then, and so this breezy memory is sweeter and hazier than usual. Would we have made more indelible memories if we’d known what was to come? I don’t know, it may have been better that we didn’t have a clue. Ignorance is often bliss. Like the mythical sole passenger who survives a car crash because they were asleep and their body just stayed limp instead of tensing up and causing more damage – maybe it was best that no one knew what was in store for us. And so the summer of 2019 passed in all its innocent bliss, with this song rocking gently inside and outside the house, as we opened things up for the season of the sun.

‘CAUSE I’M JUST ME (YEAH), THAT’S ALL I CAN BE (OOH)
SOMETHING REAL (YEAH), SOMETHING I CAN FEEL
YOU KNOW I JUST CAN’T CHANGE, THIS IS HOW I’M MADE
I’M NOT AFRAID, TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE

YOU’RE THE ONE I CRAVE (CRAVE)
AND MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
THE FEELINGS NEVER FADE
I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD PLAY WITH THIS
SAID COME, COME GIVE ME STRENGTH
I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THIS
‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CRAVE
AND MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS

It was back in the days when being alone and staying home was a choice, a deliberate and intentional decision to spend the weekend by ourselves, an indulgent bit of privacy that today is commonplace and necessity, taking away much of the joy and treat of the thing. And of course, now we miss that company, especially in the summer.

YOU’RE ON ME, I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD WAIT (WAIT)
YOU’RE ONLY ONE PULL UP AWAY (AWAY)
YOU’RE DOWN TO RIDE, YOU RIDE ME LIKE A WAVE (RIDE, YEAH)
I GAVE YOU A SENSATION (OOH)
A LONER, DAYS WE USED TO CHASE
IT’S DO OR DIE, YEAH, MY LOVE LIFE CAN GET CRAZY (CRAZY)
IT’S ON THE LINE, GIRL, YOU’RE RISKING EVERYTHING (THING)
IT’S OVER-X-RATED

Swae Lee was part of the 2019 summer soundtrack thanks to this one and the glorious ‘Sunflower’ – both subtle and insinuating tracks that lulled the summer days into nights, the way summer eases into just about everything. Nothing was rushed or hurried, nothing was worrying – the world eased into the sunny season and everyone put the work away. By the pool, we read and ate, idly dipping in when the height of heat overwhelmed. Friends stopped by when they could, family joined us for patio dinners, and no one had an idea of what was to come…

RAN SO FAR TO TRY TO FIND THE THING I LACKED AND THERE IT WAS
INSIDE (SIDE) OF (OF) ME (ME)
RAN AND RAN AND RAN SO FAST, A THING TO LAST, AND THERE IT WAS
I HEAR (HEAR) YOU (YOU) BREATHE (BREATHE)
‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CRAVE (CRAVE)
AND MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
THE FEELINGS NEVER FADE
I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD PLAY WITH THIS
SAID COME, COME GIVE ME STRENGTH
I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THIS
‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CRAVE
AND MY CRAVINGS GET DANGEROUS
IT’S ON THE LINE, GIRL, YOU’RE RISKING EVERYTHING 

SONG #162 – ‘Crave’– Summer 2019

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A Dazzling Recap

March dazzles in its own blustery way, and this week will supposedly bring in some spring-like temperatures. Having been burned, or more accurately, frozen in the past, I’ll not hold my breath until such a heat wave deigns to descend. Until such time, let’s recap the previous week of dazzlement. 

The Monday Blues were turned on their head by Kylie Minogue and her disco stick. 

Feeling nostalgic, and mourning the loss of two more Ogunquit establishments, here is my homage to the Ogunquit Oatie

Approaching peace in half an hour

Channeling Hollywood glamour in black and white.

Madonna’s greatest album ever.

Listening to the birds before the lions arrived.

Putting on a flower show in my mind.

A green twist on a popular pasta dish.

The long-lost art of impeccable customer services breeds glamour

Bloody beauty.

Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Ambrosia x Watergate: an Easter salad

Dazzlers of the Day included Dr. Angela DavisRegé-Jean Page, Audra McDonald, Tyler HoechlinJavier Muñoz and Margaret Cho

 

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Ambrosia x Watergate

For the bulk of my four-decade-plus life I’ve despised an ambrosia salad. How the gods would have eaten this canned and artificially-sweet mush of blandness is beyond me. In my older age, however, my tastes have changed and evolved. Things I once derided I now enjoy – pineapple, for instance, and coconut – and so when a Watergate salad recipe made a splash online recently, the kitschy green pastels and 70’s-era ingredients appealed to my sense of nostalgia, and I decided to give the ambrosia another go. 

The recipe I based this on was one for Watergate salad, and I added elements of what Andy could recall from his Mom’s ambrosia salad recipe. The result is a hybrid that is now part of our planned Easter lunch festivities, thanks to its fluffy sweetness and pretty pastel color. Modify as desired.

Ambrosia x Watergate salad for Easter Garishness

  • 1 package pistachio pudding mix
  • 1 can crushed pineapple (liquid too)
  • 1 container thawed Cool Whip (mandatory for any kitsch recipe)
  • 1 cup marshmallows (the tiny kind, not the big-ass smores kind)
  • 1/2 cup sweetened coconut flakes
  • 1/2 cup chopped pecans or other nuts (optional)

Method: Mix all the shit together and stir. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Margaret Cho

She embodies what the line ‘Ladies with an attitude’ truly means, and Margaret Cho, with an impressive herstory of accomplishments and courage, easily earns this Dazzler of the Day. She continues to wow audiences and the world over with her cutting social commentary and witty delivery, backing it all up with that rarest of Hollywood careers: a long and sustainable one. She’s been trailblazing for decades, and isn’t slowing up anytime soon. Dazzle on, Queen.

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Darling, I’m a Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream

This song came out right around the time when the tide of Taylor Swift was turning for me – I love everything about it. Prickly, defiant, and slightly-psycho – all the things that I once embodied, and reserve the right to embody again – on beautiful display in revenge fantasy form. Behind the glittering curtain we go, into the Blank Space we’ve all occupied or created for someone, the expanse of insanity involved in investing so wholly in someone else, going all-in and giving it all up.

Nice to meet you, where you been?
I could show you incredible things
Magic, madness, heaven, sin
Saw you there and I thought
“Oh, my God, look at that face”
“You look like my next mistake”
Love’s a game, wanna play?

I CAN MAKE THE BAD GUYS GOOD FOR A WEEKEND…

Loves makes people do crazy things. That which we sometimes confuse as love sometimes makes people do worse. Lust, obsession, and those insensible crushes of our youth – they bring out the worst impulses, turning us into people we wouldn’t recognize in times of peace and reason. This song reminds me of those lovely emotional roller-coasters, and I look back at them almost fondly, in the distance and rare instance of some semblance of personal growth. It’s good to keep such memories filed away so as to ward off any future dips in sanity. We’re all just a few bad decisions away from falling back into the abyss, or slipping into the madness of rage touched on in this piece of pop perfection.

So it’s gonna be forever
Or it’s gonna go down in flames
You can tell me when it’s over
If the high was worth the pain
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They’ll tell you I’m insane
‘Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game
‘Cause we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far
It’ll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They’ll tell you I’m insane
But I’ve got a blank space, baby
And I’ll write your name

The video’s a masterpiece, the kind of thing Madonna once did best – stylized and nuanced, pretty yet packed with considerable punch – and I’ve always been a sucker for those times when beautiful clothes and gorgeous settings provide the backdrop and wardrobe for some serious fucking-over of those who dared to do one wrong. These days I don’t think about such revenge tactics – there are better ways to deal with being wronged. But it’s still fun to fantasize… 

Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream…

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