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Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Dazzler of the Day: Stacey Abrams

There is a very good argument to be made for the proclamation that Stacey Abrams single-handedly saved the American Democracy as we know it. Following her questionable defeat in a run for Georgia’s Governor amid infuriating voter suppression, Abrams took it upon herself to work tirelessly in the next election cycles to help fix all that was (and some of which still remains) broken, and we have her to thank in large part for the the recent Senate elections in Georgia going blue. She is a true Dazzler of the Day, for her unwavering belief in our democracy and her inspiring journey of making setbacks and challenges into an opportunity for reform and improvement

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The Day We Had To Grow Up

Time is a remarkable thing. It bends and warps itself into the strangest waves and patterns, some rigid and predictable, some wild and seemingly uncontained. Three decades is a drop in the sea of history, yet it’s an entire ocean when it’s the amount of time since you lost someone you loved – especially if that someone is a parent.  

Thirty years ago my hometown of Amsterdam lost one of the most unique and wonderful pillars of the community – Dr. Sok Nam Ko – and a family lost its soul. He’d been sick for only a short time it seemed, and suddenly he was gone, and the shock was jarring for everyone. Suzie and I were only fifteen years old when her father died – it was a hurt and loss I couldn’t fathom, and I held my own father a little closer to my heart from that moment forward. The pain that the Ko family was enduring was terrifying to me, and I was only on the periphery. ‘Uncle Sok’ – whom I don’t ever recall addressing in such a way, but who would always be that figure for me, protecting me in ways that some of my blood uncles never could or would – the man whose spirit inhabited and dominated the Victorian home where our happiest childhood memories were forged – was no longer there, and as we walked the interminable pathway from the street to their front door on that tragic day, I didn’t want to know what it would feel like without him. 

The house that had always been a source of light and love and safety and warmth was immediately different. Though the wind carried the first hints of spring on it, it felt colder than all the Christmas mornings we’d made this walk from the street to the Ko house as a family. The heart of that fire had gone out, extinguished too soon, and none of us would be the same. His wife Elaine – Suzie’s mom – and a mother to all of us in some way – greeted us at the door with hugs. I remember the feel of her dress, I think it was dark green, and she had worn it at the holidays. That already felt far away. 

The kids were upstairs. My brother and I trudged slowly along the staircase up which we usually bounded in excitement. Neither of us had known death this closely – even our Grandparents in the Philippines, whom we had never met, hadn’t elicited this same fear or sorrow, with Dad holding onto his grief quietly and out of sight. They were literally half a world away – and we hadn’t spent all our birthdays and holidays with them around. Uncle Sok was someone we had grown up with – he was there when we were babies, there as we started walking, there when we were at the kids’ table for holiday dinners. And as my best friend’s father, and my father’s best friend, his loss was unimaginable. 

My brother and I reached the top of the stairs and turned right into the master bedroom. I will carry the sight of the Ko kids assembled sadly in that room with me for life. Suzie was on the bed. All the faces were red and puffy from crying, stained with tears old and new, and I wondered if they would ever stop falling. Seeing Suzie like that was something I didn’t want to do. We were so young. I didn’t know how to act. There was nothing to say. I sat at the foot of the bed and pretended to watch what was on the television.

“Hey Al,” was all she said, and the happiest girl I had ever known was suddenly gone. 

It was the day our carefree childhood ended. Never again would we feel complete. Never again would we be whole. Forever after that moment something would be missing – something we once had and didn’t even realize – and instantly the world shifted. 

In all my years of knowing Dr. Ko, I never once told him I loved him. He wasn’t that kind of guy, and I wasn’t that kind of boy. But my way of showing love was as quiet as his: it is in remembering those that mean the most to me, and holding onto them in my heart. He’s been present here always, in the thirty years since he physically departed, whenever he comes up in a conversation with Suzie, whenever we pause in holiday revelries, whenever I see a boat, or an awkward old man’s outfit, or anyone doing something remarkable or out of the ordinary. 

On emotionally indulgent days I’ll wonder how our lives might have played out if he’d been here all this time – what his grandchildren would think, how he might have changed or softened or stayed doggedly true to form. I’ll think of his friendship with my father, and how much more they might have shared, how many new hilarious stories they would have spun working together for just a few more years. (A couple of years after her father died, Suzie was able to look beyond her own grief and say that one of the things she felt bad about was that my Dad had no one to talk to at the holidays. That stayed with me, as I pondered this pair of immigrants who had come from Korea and the Philippines to find a better life, and who found themselves alone yet together in a tiny town in upstate New York named after a place in Europe.)

I’ll wonder what Uncle Sok would make of the world today, and then I’ll stop myself for sadness. The truth is that what we shared stopped in March of 1991, and there’s no way to change or go back or create an alternate reality in which he was still rushing around the world in his ongoing quest for knowledge and connection and meaning. Instead, I can only hang onto the fifteen years I was lucky enough to have with him, and share stories and memories of those who had even more, and carry on in the spirit of everything he did and accomplished. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Tom Bertram

How could I not feature someone who proclaims to be “The Biggest Pop Star No One Knows“? That kind of cheeky hubris calls to me from long ago, so my heart is warmed a bit by Tom Bertram, who actually has the musical talent to back up such a bold statement, and is more than worth a few listens. He is our Dazzler of the Day, thanks to gems like ‘Mr. Lucky’. Check out more of his stuff here

 

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Mid-Lenten Recap

Lent typically signifies the final stretch of winter and the early days of spring. This year is no exception, as it bridges the two seasons, roughly at its midsection as we turn the chapter from winter to spring at the end of this week. The last official week of winter is a glorious thing indeed – and while there will surely be snow and frigid days and nights yet to be had, we are almost there. Let’s have that weekly look back and then rush to the sunnier days… 

The Madonna Timeline returned with ‘Crave’ from ‘Madame X’

Prim spring blooms

A Madonna prayer.

The art of Andy’s reparation.

Roses of winter & Lent.

It felt good to get unplugged.

From magnolia to chrysanthemum.

Scent begets memory.

Brushed with blush.

Skip had the very first COVID birthday, and had his second one this week

I’ve been crocheting this blanket since 1986.

Portrait in gray.

Winter deflated.

Dazzlers of the Day included Jonathan Tucker, Kristen Johnston, Alex Beresford, Patrick Allen Wood, George Takei, and Omar Apollo.

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Deflated Winter

Don’t get me wrong – despite the tease of spring-like temperature we had this week, winter is far from over. Her worst bite usually comes at the very end – and sometimes beyond – as she lashes out with snowstorms and ice and wind and freezing temps that are better-suited to January. Winter is harsh that way, and some years she simply won’t go away without some interring talk-back. 

In the end, though, she will lose. Spring will return – however brief or boisterous or beautiful – and then summer will be on her heels. It will be as if winter never was. For now, as the snow melts around the plants that were felled in the fall, we see some of winter’s destruction, and some of summer’s invincibility. These carcasses of tomatoes that lingered into the fall have somehow survived more or less intact, and likely hold viable seeds beneath their withered skin. These particular varieties proved temperamental, so we will probably fill their former pots with the cherry tomatoes that performed such powerhouse feats of fruition. Successful gardening depends on adapting and listening to the stories that the plants share. Every year there are new lessons to learn, and new tales to hear told. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Omar Apollo

Mexican-American singer Omar Apollo released his album ‘Apolonio’ last year, from which the featured song and video below originate. Apollo earns his first Dazzler of the Day honor thanks to his musical prowess – as much as for his blue hair. We love a guy in blue. Visit his website for more fascinating vibes. 

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Portrait in Gray

“It is not by the gray of the hair that one knows the age of the heart.” ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Do not be deceived by my downtrodden and wayward gray hair in these photos – I have not quite give up despite physical evidence to the contrary. In fact, almost one year into the new pandemic-plagued world in which we have morphed, I find myself reaping the benefits of a more healthy existence, even in the face of these new risks and dangers that are rifling through the world. When it all came crashing to a halt last March, I was in the beginning stages of improving my habits. I’d stopped drinking the previous fall, I’d started meditating on a daily basis, and I was about to embark on the popular Yale University course ‘The Science of Well-Being’. Taken together, those three items would see me through the first year of COVID-19 (along with therapy), and rather than break or bother me, this new way of life led me to a calmer and happier place. 

“Gray hair is a crown of life.” ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

So when I see these fun pre-shower and pre-haircut photos, they don’t embarrass or embody the interior as much as they tickle me. That’s not some fancy designer shirt in a trendy shade of nude – it’s an Airism undershirt from Uniqlo. There’s no dime-sized application of hair-product or any crazy coloring job to disguise all those grays – that’s just my hair after going three months without a haircut. Best of all, there’s no hiding behind hats or elaborately-adorned jackets or exquisite silk scarves – there’s just an honest exploration of the moment at hand – the moment we all inhabit, and the moment in which we all have the choice to embrace or repel or simply exist. Being comfortable here is the only way to being comfortable anywhere. 

{All that being said, I did just get a haircut, but I didn’t do it for all those wise-ass detractors about to come for me: I did it for spring. And easy-upkeep.}

“Look, moon
I turned silver for you.”
~ Sanober Khan

 

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The Blanket I’ve Been Crocheting Since 1986

At some point in the summer of 1986, my Mom dropped me off for a few days at Gram’s in Hoosick Falls, where the magic of my grandmother would rub off on me in ways that I’ve held onto through this very day. For all her crushingly introverted attitude, the way she seemed so painfully shy when making her way through much of this world, she also held a fascination with glamour and old-school Hollywood, regaling me with tales of Greta Garbo, and she liked to accentuate her outfits with little bits of splendor and sparkle – colorful jewelry and beaded purses. Part of her was drawn to such drama, as seen in her love for NBC’s daytime drama line-up, and she imparted the gift of the dramatic to me in my formative years. We’d sit and watch ‘Days of Our Lives’ and ‘Another World’ and somewhere among those waning summer days she taught me how to crochet.

The earliest hints of fall were seeping into the open windows of the living room, where I slept on the tufted velvet couch – it was a gorgeous shade of green that I would forever love, and it functioned as a cozy bed at night. During the day it was where we sat to watch television, and where she taught me how to tie the first loop for my first crochet chain. Somehow we both knew that crocheting would be a good skill to learn to see me through the fall and winter, a way of conjuring coziness and warmth and hygge – decades before I even knew what hygge meant.  In that pocket of summer days, I learned how to make the most basic crochet moves, perfect for scarves or blankets – and that’s where the skills ended, but that was more than enough.

I’d sit on the large couch and Gram moved to the smaller couch across the room, and we’d crochet our projects as the daytime shows ticked off the hours. It was idyllic for a gay boy – as thrilling as exploring Gram’s jewelry boxes, or listening to her tales of tawdry silver screen gossip. By the time it was ready for that late-summer stay to be over, and Mom arrived to bring me back home, my Grandmother had gifted me with the art of crocheting – something I held close to my heart for the rough school year that was about to ensue, and for all of the colder moments that would soon descend. Those days of crocheting with my grandmother are still part of my happiest childhood memories, even if I didn’t see it at the time.

That fall I developed severe allergies from a new cat I insisted we give a home to, which led to severe asthma and a rigorous series of medical tests to treat the cascading sicknesses that left me out of school for lengthy periods of time. Stuck at home, I started crocheting a blanket, making it thicker by using two strands of yarn – a twist that I taught to my Gram, but one which she didn’t decide to utilize. I had visions of a grand bedspread in some brightly-lit loft. It felt like I had all the time in the world, so I made a long-term master plan. 

Good young gay lad that I was unknowingly blooming into, I was stuck on the idea of a rainbow, made of a multitude of different shades of each color, and I planned on doing five rows per shade, five shades per color, and then deciding to determine later whether the starting row would be the width or length of it. At first I wanted each band to symbolize a special person in my life, assigning and imbuing every color to represent someone who meant something to me, but I started with too many people, then I had too many bands, and then I had too many people again so it never worked out that way. Besides, a big part of me didn’t want to share this blanket with anyone other than Gram. That fall and winter, as I was out of school more than I seemed to be in, I worked diligently on the blanket. It saw me through the loneliness, and brought me back to those happy summer days at Gram’s. There was coziness and warmth – literally and figuratively – in the crocheting of a blanket. 

Eventually, summer returned, and my focus shifted outside, so I put the blanket down, and then for a couple of years I put it away completely, but it never remained entirely out of mind. I knew it was there, and its simple existence was a comfort, a way of reminding me of Gram and what was important in life. 

Every few years I’d pick it up again and crochet a few more bands of color. It followed me to Boston for a couple of dismal and stormy winters. I took it up again while Andy and I spent our first winter together in Guilderland, and each time the years between working on it elongated – this last stretch has been the longest, as it’s been over a decade since I had it out and worked on it – and before this winter leaves I intend to get a few more rows in. It is the ideal way to end another winter season.

I’m nearing the completion of it, and I haven’t yet decided whether to go around the rough edges with a more thoughtful style; it would be a way of continuing something I may not be quite ready to finish. 

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Dazzler of the Day: George Takei

If it were based on his Twitter account alone, George Takei would be a lock on Dazzler of the Day; based on his entire amazing career, he earns the title in a way few others have. Takei has been an actor, activist and author for roughly seven decades – an unprecedented run that only seems to be getting stronger as his growing social media acumen finds new ways to inspire. 

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The First COVID Birthday, and Now the Second…

Skip’s birthday last year more or less started the COVID shut-down for these parts, being that it was the first birthday/event that was canceled thanks to the world closing up shop. We were supposed to be having cocktails at the Plaza, eating an amazing Japanese dinner planned by Sherri, and taking in ‘Plaza Suite’ for Skip’s birthday festivities – and absolutely everything fizzled in the first shut-down that took everyone by shock and surprise. Lost in all of that terrifying mayhem was our friend’s birthday – I don’t think we even acknowledged or mourned that aspect of it, so devastated were we by everything else that was going on, and I suddenly feel like a rather crappy friend for not being able to discern that then. 

Cut to a year later, and Skip and I have not been to the movies in all that time. We’ve managed a few socially-distanced get-togethers, some raucous trips to Trader Joe’s and a ghostly walk through Colonie Center, but winter weather and the roller-coaster that has been COVID kept us mostly apart this past year, and that’s been one of the more upsetting losses in this sad pandemic. Fortunately we’ve kept our friendship going through texts and social media – do us both a favor and follow him on Twitter (@daddydadblog) because he’s much more interesting than me. 

This year there are no festivities, a sad situation to which we are all mostly already acclimated. While the sting of disappointment is not unexpected, it’s still a little depressing, so as part of his gift this year I included a book for touring Savannah, to give us both a little hope. If we’re lucky, one of our next trips will be to Savannah – a rare couples get-away that we haven’t done enough. 

One of the things that Skip and I have in common is an insatiable love of living in the dream ideas of the moment. We can sit around and talk for hours about plans and possibilities, egging each other on with grandiose scenarios of how our world could, and perhaps should, be. Hatching schemes and running through various future events is not a bad way to spend time with a friend, especially when the majority of those plans come to fruition. We’ve plotted out all of our BroSox Adventure weekends in such a fashion, as we did various rendezvous with our significant others – the four of us meeting for cocktails in Times Square after a show, or dinner and a movie in Albany, and even a Friday night of games in Boston with their kids too. These days the power of planning – even if it’s just a fantasy – is imperative to keep dreams alive. 

The silly tour book of Savannah is my way of giving his second COVID birthday a little bit of hope. Happy birthday, old friend – here’s to getting back on track! 

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Brushed With Blush

Spring flowers that are kissed with color will never be unwelcome here. I think these are azaleas of some sort – their petals are painted by the powers-that-be, and the effect is striking. While I’ve never been a big fan of the over-hybridized or extra-frilly ornamental flowers that these exemplify, I’m changing in the time of the pandemic, and my tastes have shifted too. I’m less willing to find fault with certain things, and more willing with others. These flowers are not deserving of criticism – they are spreading joy and happiness and I want only to applaud that. 

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Dazzler of the Day: Patrick Allen Wood

Anything that started with someone’s job at the circus is going to be a good story, and if it involves underwear and swimwear at the end, so much the better. Such is the magnificent tale of Patrick Allen Wood, our Dazzler of the Day, who began his noble quest with a job at the circus, and ended up crafting something for everyone. Unable to find properly-fitting clothing, he took it upon himself to make his own, resulting in the skills and self-honed talents that eventually translated to his current work creating swimwear and underwear. And what wonderful work it is – fabrics and patterns and styles that are as timeless as they are cutting-edge, Wood crafts garments that are wearable works of art. Best of all, he models them himself – and the best designers are those who walk the runway in their own work. Check out his website here.

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When Scent Begets Memory

They have come to symbolize the very beginning and the very end of the winter season. The bloom of the Paperwhite narcissus brings back opposing memories. It happens that I either force them first thing in season, so their blooms come just as fall is ripening into winter, or I forget about them and end up forcing them at the very end of winter, just as the first spring thaws arrive, which is what happened this year. As such, the memories they trigger are at once conflicting – the gray days of November at odds with the gray days of March – but there are joys to be found in each segment of the calendar, and in a way their stature as bookends of winter is something of comfort.

Their fragrance is polarizing – though it’s all love from these parts. It brings me back to my very first experience forcing them. A friend of my Mom, joining us for a trip to Cape Cod, regaled me with tales of the forcing process, and I listened – fascinated and rapt with wonder at this new way of getting a bulb to bloom.

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Magnolia to Chrysanthemum

 
“In the mornings I drank the dew that dropped from the magnolia,
At evening ate the fallen petals of chrysanthemums…”
~ Qu Yuan
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Dazzler of the Day: Alex Beresford

The most epic and glorious take-down of the perennially nasty Piers Morgan came this week in the simple declarations of Alex Beresford, which prompted Premiere Snowflake Piers to walk off the set and quit the show. That alone would have been enough to name Alex Beresford as Dazzler of the Day, but underneath the armor of his on-air wardrobe lurks this specimen of fit fantasy, so he’s doing double duty today. 

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