Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Sharing Country Flowers with Mom

When I was just twelve or thirteen years old, I became obsessed with the book ‘Country Flowers’ by Lee Bailey. For a boy at such an age to be consumed by a gardening book is a statement in and of itself, but I didn’t know or care about social constructs at that time, so my love of flowers and gardening and books about such topics was a pure and unmarred source of joy. Luckily for me, that never changed, and though I went through years where I didn’t exactly flaunt or announce how much I loved those things, my love never waned.

At that young age, I was also just learning how to write letters, and on a whim I decided to write Mr. Bailey a letter extending my appreciation for his book and how much it helped me. He was the one who taught me how Digitalis could make for an even more enchanting substitute for the more finicky Delphinium in a garden scheme. He taught me the vast differences in care required by the bearded iris versus the Japanese and Siberian iris. Above all else, he taught me about the grace to be found when one was wholly present in the garden. It was more than practical advice, and I have carried it with me ever since. So as I wrote out my letter by hand, staying within the lined sheet of a standard sheet of school paper, I allowed my feelings to carry forth on my words, unconsciously tying my love of gardening and flowers into a love for writing and correspondence. It all came out, and though I don’t recall exactly what I wrote, I felt confident that sharing it would be some sort of gift for a man who so inspired me.

In those days, circa the mid 1980’s, there was no internet or e-mail or cel phone. I knew he had a summer home in Bridgehampton, as referenced in ‘Country Flowers’ so I dialed up information using our rotary phone on the landline. Back then you could call information and they would give out people’s phone numbers. While on the phone, I asked if the operator could also give me the listed address. Another thing they did back in the day. It was just a street, but I jotted it quickly down on one of my Dad’s medical pads. I would find the zip code and mail it off, praying it found its way into his hands.

It must have done so, for in a few weeks I received a return letter from Mr. Bailey himself, writing how wonderful and rare it was for a boy of my age to already be so entranced by gardening. It was a jolt of inspiration and encouragement, and was probably an integral part of why I have kept gardening and writing close to my heart ever since. It came from a place of purity and shared-passion.  A place of kinship and understanding. A place of love.

And so it is in that spirit that I found a copy of ‘Country Flowers’ and will bestow it upon my Mom for her birthday tomorrow. (It’s just one part of her gift, so there are still surprises intact.) She’s been getting more into gardening over the past year or so, and this book was what would see me through the dark winter nights. I could pore over Bailey’s passages on jonquils alone for hours on end, and the dreamscapes of flowers and fields his words conveyed were as good as forcing a few narcissus bulbs. I’m hoping she finds the same joy and inspiration I found in it as a boy.

“One last thing: like most people, I wish I could more often be the person I sometimes am – and I am most often that person in the garden. So in many ways this book represents the best of me.” ~ Lee Bailey

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Summoning My Slumbering Spirit Amid the Mountains

Once upon a year ago, I journeyed by my lonesome into the mountains on a gray winter day. The morning, overcast and threatening snow, was a dismal one, yet something drew me out of Albany at a time when it was still all right to do so. I couldn’t know the impending storm that would ensnare the entire year to come. Driving east, just over the border into Massachusetts, I veered off the turnpike and wove my way into the beginnings of the Berkshires. Several summers ago we took a similar route up to the Mount, summer home of Edith Wharton. This was a different path, into a different realm. I made it on my own, to reconnect to my soul at a time when I was most afraid.

The route I had taken took me through Stockbridge, where I would later pause for a cup of tea at the Red Lion Inn, but something pulled me away from that cozy spot, further toward the mountains. I drove off the main route and took a few side roads. Seeking solitude and silence, I wanted to escape the more-frequented space, and eventually I wound my way into relative seclusion. Winter whispered to me there, as snowflakes fell delicately through the air, silently and without wind to move them the least bit sideways. It was entrancing, creating an effect that was as beautiful as it is has proven elusive ~ wind so often acting as a companion to snow.

The world stood silent, the sky stood gray, and the air stood still. There, I saw what I thought was a wolf or a coyote, and I couldn’t tell for quite some time. It paused in its own path, turned to look at me, and shared a moment of wild communion. Someone once remarked my eyes reminded them of a wolf’s, but that suddenly felt far away. In that instant, I rekindled a certain fire within, and knew I would be all right, no matter what happened.

In that wilderness, at the base of the land where the mountains began to climb, I summoned the spirit that had been eluding me. Conjured from a winter world where warlocks and wizards floated in castles filled with fire, a little spark set off a proverbial tendril of spiritual smoke – a shroud to rival any woolen cloak – which would protect my heart like a powerful talisman. It felt like I was being made whole again, forged from some crystalline mountain magic of ice and snow, laced with the wonder of winter, a season which I never embraced as much as I should have. It took me in then, it made me partner and friend, sensing what I needed and imbuing the soul with the wherewithal to survive all the winters to come. When the animal retreated, it was time for me to go as well.  

Later that day I would find a piece of rose quartz shaped like an egg – a sign of rebirth – that fit the palm of my hand, nestled and cradled like it was molded specifically for me to hold it. It would form the heart of my meditation – a new way of life that was setting me off on a journey that was more than mere survival.

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A Bittersweet Reminder of What We’ve Lost

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” â€• Jane Austen

Every time I get an e-mail from Regal Cinemas, it’s like a little jab to the heart. A bittersweet reminder of our current state of affairs, it seems to affect Skip the same way, as he texted he couldn’t follow the Regal Twitter account anymore because it was too painful. I knew exactly what he meant. We have lost our movie nights for the moment, and so much else in the midst of this pandemic. That finally started hitting home with me this past week, when the weight of the winter, and our current conditions, fell fully upon my countenance.

Maybe it’s just the accumulation of almost a year of living like this. Maybe it’s just the void of those human connections which I’ve had such a love-hate relationship with all these years coming into irrefutable existence. Maybe it’s just a simple case of stir-crazy restlessness caused from the lack of going anywhere all these months. 

To combat this, I’ve been formulating and working through several remedies, all top-secret in the event they find fruition in a project or something else, and living in such mind-scapes isn’t fancy or make0believe – it’s survival. 

Skip has hopes we will be back in the movie-going game in some way shape or form by next fall. I’m hoping for something even sooner, because hope is all we have, and I’m going to indulge and refute pessimism for as long as I can. We’ve had enough of that here. Let’s have hope now. 

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All the Winter Sparkle & Pizzazz

Delving into the world of hygge, I’m doing my Danish damnedest to bring about a sense of cozy warmth and family love into this winter. According to the most basic of dictionary definitions, hygge is ‘a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture).’ It sounded gloriously suited to our world at this moment, and to winter in general, so rather than abysmally trudging through these dark months, I’m doing my best to approach it from a place of light and warmth. If we can create hygge in our own space, perhaps we can achieve it wherever and whenever we need it most.

It begins, as so many things do, with the superficial. Candles, blankets, and cozy socks make for a proper hygge experience. Comfort foods – teas and coffee and soups and stews and cookies and baked goods – are also an integral part of creating an atmosphere for hygge. Enjoying such things with family and friends is the main goal, though that proves tricky in these socially distant times, so maybe this virtual gathering will have to suffice until such times that we can gather safely outside again.

As I researched more on the concept of hygge, it brought me around to Scandinavian style – the bright, minimalist, nature-honoring simplicity that plays a role in inducing such peace and calm and beauty. In service to that, this winter is about de-cluttering the house. That’s my typical modus operandi following the holidays anyway; I’ll simply go a bit deeper this year.

The best, and more pertinent, aspect of hygge is that it’s not really about material things or superficial joys – as much as I’ve already seemed to contradict that. It’s about the feeling, the coziness, the warmth that one feels when ensconced in a moment of pure joy and love with loved ones. It’s that feeling of having your heart burst from happiness at a moment of connection. This is directly aligned with the notion of mindfulness, and being present in the moment – a practice that ties into my meditation.  The universe, when you listen and follow its cues, is constantly guiding, continuously nudging us in the direction we should be going. This is another example of that as I make my way through the rocky path of middle-age.

All the signs pointing toward hygge remind me that there are grander schemes at work. We each play a part in them, and there are times when we simply must stand back and let the world work its magic around us, taking quiet notice and listening to the whispers of winter.

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18 Years of ALANILAGAN.com

This month my website turns eighteen years old (despite some miscalculations over the years), and here’s a cheeky bit of fun to mark the occasion. Actually, we seem to be going the opposite direction, as eagle-eyed regulars may have noticed. While I’m a pro-sexual-expression kind of guy, and have no hang-ups when it comes to nudity and nakedness, I’ve been drawn to more spiritual and ethereal concerns of late, and that has likely bled into the content that’s been produced here. Such concerns have always played a part here, they’re just becoming more prominent and important, while other more salacious turns fade into the background.

The sparkle of a glistening male model emerging from the sea a la James Bond may always be a thrill, but there is sparkle in other things as well – and a spiritual sort of sparkle seems to last longer and resonate more deeply with my frequency these days. Not that there isn’t room for both to happily coexist, and there’s a valuable lesson in that too. Binary limits are so early 2000’s. With that in mind, here are a few cheeky photos from roughly a year ago, when I was still able to go to Boston without care or worry, a time that feels very far away, when it was but a year. It’s amazing how much can happen in a year. And it’s even more remarkable for how much can happen in the eighteen years since I first put this website into the world.

The year was 2003, and websites and blogs were only beginning to take off. I didn’t do much online in those early days – it was mostly a repository for my writing and photographs – and I definitely wasn’t updating anything on a daily basis. There were also no projects on display, which made for a sparse and rather sterile environment. Social media itself was in its infancy, and FaceBook, Twitter and Instagram didn’t even exist. In this brave new world, a personal website seemed rather quaint, and those early long-lost posts were surely the stuff of such innocence. While the posts have populated and grown, and the intertwining links have created an extensive web of its own, the main simplicity and sparse format has remained, and is one of the reasons it’s lasted this long. Avoiding the bells and whistles of the online world, and aside from a brief experiment with comments that didn’t last, not much has changed here as we begin our 18thyear.

In some ways, this blog has become a diary of sorts, and there are entries where I’ve revealed more than I probably should have, and lots where I haven’t. It’s a ritual and habit that is now second nature, and while that once held albatross connotations, I’ve reconciled myself to its soothing, consistent nature. As a Virgo, if you believe in such things, I enjoy organization and structure. As a human, I enjoy working within and without those constructs, challenging and pushing and rezoning as necessary. There is something thrilling about contained chaos, of operating within a prescribed space, and in that prescription feeling the freedom of knowing anything can be done within such a safety zone.

Now that we are eighteen, and have been doing this longer than any other personal blog I can think of, I feel even more freedom, but instead of going hardcore full-frontal, I find bigger thrills in other forms of revelation. A new honesty in what can and should be tolerated, a new honesty in what exactly I want in life, a new honesty in how I’m working to better myself – and a few new tweaks in the logistics and features we’ve had here over the past few years.

The first of these changes is the reconfiguration of our not-quite-venerable Hunk of the Day feature. What started out as a simple eye candy/guy candy display has, at its best, turned into something deeper and more honorable, where the recipients were less interested in showing off their physical features and more about doing something that made a bigger difference in the world. To that end and purpose, I wanted to open it up to women and non-binary persons, which always made the ‘Hunk’ moniker problematic. More on that shortly.

As for our 18thbirthday, it is a low-key if cheeky affair, as befitting life in the time of a pandemic. We will find other ways to celebrate and mark the occasion, and I’d like to draw it out. There is pleasure in anticipation, joy in elongating a moment of calm and peace and waiting.

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The Bleak Mid-Winter

This may be slightly premature as we have not yet crested upon the official mid-point of winter, that will arrive the first week of February I believe, but I’m looking quickly forward to the future and hoping to hasten things along, particularly with the current state of the world. Everyone is a little uneasy, and we are certainly right to feel so. These are indeed perilous times – perhaps more-so than we even know.

This blog was created, and still exists for the moment, as an antidote to such times, if not for the entertainment and delight of you the reader, then certainly for the entertainment and delight of myself as the creator. Writing and conjuring images is the alchemy in which I practice, and I always hope the end result is something that leaves me slightly changed for the better, or at the very least feeling less alone.

Thus far, in the seventeen years I’ve had this website (we’ll begin our 18thyear this month!) I’ve found this work a form of peace and solace, a form of creative and artistic expression that has worked as well as therapy. Because of that, I’ve kept it going, even on the days when my ambition slags, and inspiration is difficult to find. I do feel like we are deep in the winter of this blog’s life, but there’s no telling how long a winter might be. 

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The Comfort Food Kick Continues

I’ve been locked in a comfort food zone for a while now, and it’s the best way to make it through the winter doldrums following the holidays. Cookies and cakes, soups and stews – they’re all a cozy part of finding warmth in winter, through mouth and stomach. This post continues that theme with a somewhat messy attempt at Enchiladas Verdes in a tomatillo sauce, recipe from Pati Jinich

This is a perfectly verdant dish that is both fresh and just the slightest bit spicy, and I went heavy on the cilantro as I love it so. The tart tomatillo base lends it the brightness needed to offset the overcast winter, and the heat of the peppers warmed the icy day. 

I made one shortcut that proved troublesome. In an effort to be just a little bit healthier, I tried doing this without passing the tortillas through the hot oil, and like the recipe indicated, they broke and cracked without the resilience which results from that integral step. Fortunately the flavor was the same, even if it ended up being a little messier. A lesson learned. Ms. Jinich knows her way around a recipe, and every little step is there with good reason. 

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My New Version of a Cape Codder

Pining for the baked goods at Cafe Madeleine in Boston, I searched the web for an approximation of their Cape Cod cookie. Typically this time of the year finds them closed until early spring,  and it is always with great sadness that I find the sign on the shop that says see you in March. In that respect I’m accustomed to going without their deliciousness through the winter – but with COVID I haven’t had a sweet treat from them in almost a year. And so my thoughts have been obsessing over a cookie which is not usually my style (the cookie, I mean, not the obsessing – I’ll always obsess and I’m not sorry about it).

Many people enjoy an oatmeal and raisin cookie, but I get a hankering for them maybe twice a year. The Cape Cod cookie is an exception. It uses oats and golden raisins, cranberries and candied orange and ginger (I think) so I set about to capturing that and found a recipe that looked good. 

It’s got a lovely trio of spices so it packs a flavorful punch, perhaps more than the original. In this version there is freshly-grated nutmeg, ground cloves, and cinnamon. 

Of course there are oats, though I used the wrong sort (I think I needed rolled instead of quick – this being my first shallow-dive into the word of oats I was already annoyed.) 

Luckily there was candied ginger and since I wasn’t the one making it there was nothing that could go wrong with that ingredient. I chopped them up and enjoyed the sharp, sweet fragrance. 

Cranberries took the place of raisins, as it should be. They formed the tart heart of the whole affair, blending magically with the sharpness of the candied ginger, and mingling magically with the trio of spices to conjure a winter respite for the tongue. The recipe I found called for a half cup of dark chocolate, so I added some mini chips because chocolate is never wrong.

Cozy and spicy and warm, this was the perfect cookie for a snowy night. I’ll tweak it a bit the next time I make it. I’d like to find some candied orange, and I might try adding some golden raisins like the original. There also must be a way to make it a bit bulkier with less tendency to spread, as in this magnificent beast

Winter is a good time for cookie experimentation, especially when it reminds me of Boston and cafe-culture and a world that feels centuries away…

 

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The Saddest Day of the Year, Set & Done

The snow in these photos is long gone, brushed out of the boughs by dry winds that either soaked it up or knocked it to the ground. Such snowy prettiness doesn’t last long in these parts, when snow is too often accompanied by wind, but on the morning of our most recent storm, it was good enough to let the beauty linger. The delay afforded my late morning venture (hanging out the window to get these shots), allowing enough time to grab the fluffy white stuff before it went away. That was days ago. The branches are bare now, and the skies are gray. There is wind too, but no more snow to pull down. 

It is said that we just had the most depressing day of the year (January 6). This time it was depressing for more than the typical post-holiday-blues reasons and the seemingly endless stretch of winter days ahead of us. The world is in turmoil, the world is in tumult. We hang onto whatever is around us, grasping desperately for what we know, what is comfortable, what is safe. And maybe nothing is anymore. 

Puts me in the mind of an Adrienne Rich poem

Look: this is January the worst onslaught
is ahead of us Don’t be lured 
by these soft grey afternoons these sunsets cut
from pink and violet tissue-paper by the thought 
the days are lengthening 
Don’t let the solstice fool you: 
our lives will always be 
a stew of contradictions 
the worst moment of winter can come in April 
when the peepers are stubbornly still 
and our bodies 
plod on without conviction 
and our thoughts cramp down before the sheer 
arsenal of everything that tries us: 
this battering, blunt-edged life 
– Adrienne Rich

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Inspiration Found on Twitter

A Twitter friend recently brought the brilliance of Brené Brown to my attention, and I’d like to share some of that with you now. There’s never a bad moment for finding inspiration, even if it happens in the newly-peaceful realm of Twitter. Here are several of Ms. Brown’s thought-provoking quotes:

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”

“A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

“When I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get back up, and say, â€˜Damn. That really hurt, but this is important to me and I’m going in again’—my gut reaction is, â€˜What a badass.’”

“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think – or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”

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A Slice of Humility

This is a piece of humble pie. It’s not much a part of my diet these days, for physical purposes as much as taste. And it was never a preferred dish as a child and young adult. In fact, I think I managed to avoid it through the bulk of my formative years. Unfortunately, a proper balance of humble pie in those important years is rather a good way of ensuring a balanced adult. As such, I wasn’t much balanced or perhaps good for many years. I made up for it in recent years, and my belly will attest to that as much as my countenance and attitude. 

A humble pie comes from humility. You can’t make it any other way, and you shouldn’t eat it without making sure the humility is pure. For a long time, it was more important for me to be right than it was to be good. If people got hurt in the process, if my honesty and sound arguments were too cutting, then the fault was not mine. Truth without conviction is a sketchy thing. Truth without honor or decency stands cold and alone. Being right does not mean being happy. Being right also doesn’t mean being perfect. And somewhere in my youth and childhood that got all mixed up. 

Only rather recently have I been able to own up to my many imperfections, to the myriad faults and shortcomings that comprise this forty-five year old human being that some days barely wants to stand before you. The journey to giving up the ghost of perfection – that tricky tease that has haunted me for as long as I can remember – has been a long one, and I don’t really think there’s an end in, or out of, sight. That’s a good thing. 

The moment I gave up the notion of being perfect was the moment I started to feel alive in a way I had never felt before. It came with a thrilling sense of freedom, an untethered joy that I never quite allowed myself to enjoy. I’d have regretted it if that wasn’t such a waste. Instead, I stumble happily along, pausing for pie when the mistakes pile up, sometimes having to gorge an entire one myself, but it’s always worth the calories and the reckoning.

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Moon Faded by Snow

There is no silence as silent as the silence that follows a snowfall at night. Cradled by its blanket of snow, the world slumbers contentedly, not bothering to barely elicit the quietest of sighs. In the sky, the faded echo of the moon peeks over the shoulders of bare oak trees, then moves on in its nightly journey. 

 Not even the squirrels or rabbits seem to want to disturb this peace at first, waiting until morning to make their paths and mark their trails. I wonder what the owls do. Do they shake the snow off their heads, shifting their feet and shifting more snow as it falls from such lofty boughs? I listen for them, but no one is talking on this night. Embracing the mystery of winter, I shudder in the cold, even as there is warmth in beauty. 

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Greenhouse by Candlelight

Most of the time, candles don’t capture the fragrance they say they will. Lavender and vanilla scents are the most common offenders, with all sorts of weird sweet and sickly chemical odors masquerading as their real essences. As such, I’m a picky candle selector, insisting on deeply inhaling any candle I’m about to purchase unless it’s a known brand and scent. That’s proven impossible in this day and age, when I’m as afraid to remove my mask as I am to touch an object in any given store. Luckily, I know my favorites, and the one that has been my mainstay for many years has been this ‘Greenhouse’ variety by Yankee Candle. 

It smells exactly like the greenhouse/florists of my childhood, when I’d wander in as a young boy and the owners would eye me suspiciously until I started asking them questions about whether the African violet in bud was semi-double or double, and if they were due to receive any new bromeliads in the next week. Wherever we’d travel, I’d keep an eye out for the local florist – I remember a tiny little flower shop in Boston when we were visiting with Mom. It was across the street from our hotel, and it was all I cold think about. It was just a tiny little thing at the base of what I would later discover to be the other side of Beacon Hill, barely enough room for two people to turn around in at once, but it was all I needed. To be surrounded by all the lush green foliage, and that gloriously pungent odor of earth and leaves and flowers – it felt like paradise – then and now. 

So if anyone is looking for a basic, simple gift for me, you know – just because – this would make an excellent choice because one can never have enough of such a good thing. 

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Chipotle Comfort

If it’s wrong to find comfort in food, I don’t need to be right. Especially in the case of this Senor Breakfast Sandwich. It’s been quite a while since I’ve made this – I think the last time was for a brunch or a gathering of friends and family here. As I smelled the chipotle bechamel, it brought back that bittersweet memory – bitter for the fact that it’s been so long since we’ve entertained anyone in our home, sweet for the happy notion that it did in fact happen, that it was, once upon a time, our way of life. 

Skip was texting about whether or not this current world is some sort of new normal, and I said it may be. At the time I wrote that, I wasn’t as much bothered by it, but then it started to haunt me. What if this is our new way of living? Distance, no get-togethers, no theater or movies or sporting events in person… it did suddenly weigh the world down. 

At such times, when the winter is dim and dark, when the morning doesn’t quite crack open like a sunny-centered egg, I’ll create this delicious sandwich with its chipotle heat, its rich bechamel, a classic fried egg (or two), some cheese and ham, and avocado and cilantro. It’s a great thing for the Sunday after a party weekend – it extends the festive atmosphere, lending a little extra special something to those moments we don’t quite want to end. 

I believe we’ll have those moments again. Maybe they won’t look the same, maybe they won’t feel the same, but with a sandwich like this, at least they can taste the same. Hold that thought.

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I Like Big Bundts & I Cannot Lie

Am I the only person who thinks we under-appreciate the bundt cake in this day and age? Call me old-fashioned again. I’m not sure why simply changing the shape makes something instantly better, but in the same way that a diagonally-sliced sandwich is better than its counterpart, I’ve always loved a bundt cake just a bit more for its fancy appearance. 

Here is one of Aunt Elaine’s pistachio chocolate chip bundt cakes, a favorite recipe that (shh!) I modified yet again, but not in any very discernible way, as her daughter Suzie will attest. (This one went to her home untouched or untasted by me, as I was on a bundt cake kick and had an extra.) I have it on her authority that the chocolate chip distribution was even throughout, courtesy of a flour bath and the use of mini chips. Both aid in suspension. 

As for the bundt cake mold, it may stick around on the counter for the moment. Best to let these passing fancies flourish while they’re here, and no one ever complained about getting a bundt cake. 

Regarding the decorating style of this one, it’s not fit for the ears of children. 

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