Author Archives: Alan Ilagan

Still Wicked After All These Years

The very first time Andy met my parents he was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘GET WICKED TONIGHT! on it, in bold yellow letters across a blue background. In his defense, he didn’t anticipate meeting my parents that day. In my defense, I didn’t anticipate he would be wearing such a shirt ever. We both learned something that day. Tomorrow night, we are literally getting ‘Wicked’ again, as we take in an early showing of the eagerly-anticipated ‘Wicked’ movie

It will be a proper date night for us, one that rekindles the very first time we saw the show in New York. It was November, about a week or two after it opened on Broadway, and its original stars Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel were both on. It was a magical moment, and in the ensuing years we’ve returned to the stage production several times. 

Tomorrow night, the movie version directed by Jon M. Chu and starring  Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande flies into theaters, and we’ll be there defying gravity with all the other fans. 

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Some of us know exactly what’s in this bottle, as seen at a rest stop on the Massachusetts Turnpike.

What I do not know is why it was left by the curb. Have we just given up entirely? A garbage can was a few feet away. 

#TinyThreads

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Where the Skies Are Blue

Ever since Twitter (X) was taken over by evil forces, my interest there has markedly waned to the point where I’m on the verge of leaving. I’ve been on Threads, but they seem to have the same censorship issues that plague artistic souls. Last week I joined BlueSky, which feels like a breath of fresh air. Of course all social media sites eventually seem to become victims of their own success or failure, so who knows how long this BlueSky moment will last. For now, I’m taking it all in and enjoying it. 

It also points to the fickle, capricious nature of social media these days. While Twitter crumbles under the proliferation of hate, hypocrisy, and misinformation, and FaceBook and Instagram crumble under their own hypocritical issues of censorship and rampant misinformation, BlueSky comes along to fill the void in human decency and simple sanity. Am I invested in any of these time-killers anymore? Not really – I copy and paste my blog posts into all of them, and go on my merry way. 

My BlueSky handle: @alanilagan.bsky.social

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

Sometimes social media is good for something, such as this hilarious quote:

“No more learning experiences, please. I am smart enough.”

#TinyThreads

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A Full-Flower-Fronted Recap

Helmed by one of Andy’s magical peonies, this post comes as we pick up any pieces left from the full Beaver Super Moon. I channeled the moon’s lively energy for a Friendsgiving weekend with Kira, and with an eye on a positive outcome, we managed to survive. More on that a bit later – for now, the typical Monday morning quarterbacking in this week-in-review.

Technicolor glow.

Shirtless mens and one nude dude.

Sexual activity my ass.

Irate Irene.

People ahead.

Holiday shopping season.

Shades of brotherhood.

The man in your office.

A little ghost.

Shades of uncle-hood.

Fairy tale nursery rhyme.

Dee and the geese.

Shades of magic.

When the roses bloom

Leading up to gratitude.

A magical flower from a magical man.

A visitor cloaked in red.

Fall light, elusive and dwindling.

Not the sun.

Faded beauties among the fallen.

More fallen beauty.

Shades of music.

Our lone Dazzler of the Day was Sexiest Man of the Year John Krasinski.

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Shades of Music

No matter how strong
I’m gonna take you down
With one little stone
I’m gonna break you down
And see what you’re worth
What you’re really worth to me

There was a musical accompaniment to go along with the ‘shades of gray’ project from 2004 – and as we re-explore that written work, I offer the following playlist as recommended listening for when you go through these vignettes. It’s largely contemplative instrumentals, but there are some traditional pop songs as well. The latter selections are lyrical wonders, echoing the spare power of carefully-chosen words. All serve to evoke an air of 

Dinner at eight was okay
Before the toast full of gleams
It was great until those old magazines
Got us started up again
Actually it was probably me again
Why is it so that I’ve always been the one who must go
That I’ve always been the one told to flee
When it fact you were the one long ago
Actually in the drifting white snow
You left me 

A centerpiece would have to be ‘Dinner at Eight’ by Rufus Wainwright, which features an exquisite piano treatise on love, family, and the eventual need to find acceptance and move on; as evidenced by the lyrics running throughout this post, it’s as poignant and powerful as it is sorrowful and resigned – a gorgeous mess of emotion set to glorious song. The following songs follow suit – give them a listen as you revisit this project from two long decades ago…

‘The Goldberg Variations’ – Glenn Gould

Any Other Name’ – Thomas Newman

‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’ – Annie Lennox

‘The Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 1: Prelude No. 1 in C Major – Glenn Gould

‘For Reasons Unexplained’ – Casey Stratton

‘9 Little Preludes: No. 3 in D Minor’ – Glenn Gould

‘Precious Things’ – Tori Amos

‘Alone in Kyoto’ – Air

‘Loneliness’ – Annie Lennox

‘Dinner at Eight’ – Rufus Wainwright

‘Clair de Lune’ – Johann Debussy

We’re a little over halfway through presenting ‘shades of gray’ already, so there is some more to come, and just around the Thanksgiving holiday – the way that life’s little fuck-overs often come at the worst possible time. We don’t choose these things – they choose us, or something like that. I’m out of banal platitudes and all the rest of it. 

So put up your fists and I’ll put up mine
No running away from the scene of the crime
God’s chosen a place
Somewhere near the end of the world
Somewhere near the end of our lives

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

When the Roses Bloom…

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#TinyThreads: An Insignificant Series

My new spirit animal is Martha Stewart pushing Drew Barrymore away. 

#TinyThreads

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More Fallen Beauty

Piggybacking on last night’s fallen post, here are a few more victims of the wind and cold we’ve had over the last week. There is still some color on the ground, though it’s fading quickly. With our relatively dry fall, the leaves have been crisp and brittle of late, crackling beneath the feet in satisfying fashion. It makes quietly padding through the forest impossible; there would be no way to hide with so many audible clues and hints. Mother Nature only disguises her own trails, never yours; she owes no allegiance or cover to you. 

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Faded Beauties Among the Fallen

It was supposed to be a stunning year for fall foliage, but I wouldn’t really know, having willingly missed much of it in the daze into which I’ve intentionally sunk. It’s difficult to be mindful when there are so many things to be worried and concerned about – and then I remind myself it is precisely at such times that is is so imperative to practice mindfulness. And I try again, walking amid the leaves, pausing to bend down and study any that call out with their color or design. 

From here on out, strong and saturated color will largely be drained from the outside world. Browns and grays and faded greens will be all that is left. For now, finding solace in the fallen leaves will have to be enough. 

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Fall Light: Elusive and Dwindling

Careening toward the shortest day of the year, light will be fleeting and elusive for most of our waking hours now. When it’s out and about, I try to take advantage of it, at least once a day. It’s easy to get bogged down in a work day, or any day for that matter, when we sink into familiar ruts and dim passageways, finding our way in the dark because was are so accustomed to it. That’s how I usually pass through winter. But to find or make the time for a little light appreciation is important. 

I find myself very affected by the dwindling light, and so I compensate in other ways – with lots of candles and electric lights thrown on at all times of the day. A little utility splurge for mental health is warranted these days, and if it eases the pain of winter to come, let us have the indulgence

Soon all these leaves will be gone, even the last few tenacious stragglers on the mighty oak, always the last to leave, and then all will be barren until the spring. There will be beauty then too, stark and bare, but beautiful still. 

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A Visitor Cloaked in Red

Andy’s been hearing and seeing the cardinals around the backyard the past couple of weeks, but I have been missing them. The other day, however, I was sitting at the dining room table working when a small spot of red appeared in my peripheral vision, and I found this cardinal sitting in the dogwood tree outside our front window. It stayed there, perched quietly on its branch, looking around and surveying the surround area. There was a strong wind that day, but it stayed stoically there, its feathers slightly ruffled in the moving air, but otherwise entirely unbothered. 

It was such a happy scene, and I immediately thought of Dad, who hasn’t been on my mind as much lately, but whose presence seems to be returning for the run-up to the holidays. Maybe he’s sensing my disconnect from family, and this is his way of saying he’s still here. Watching the cardinal, I feel a sense of peace in this discontented world. The cardinal turns and looks at me for a moment, then is gone. 

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A Magical Flower from a Magical Man

We hadn’t planned on having flowers at our wedding ceremony, but when Suzie showed up with a bouquet of peonies for the day it was the perfectly serendipitous accent that has since come to symbolize that happy event. We return to them every May, and whenever they bloom in the garden they evoke wonderful memories. Given the sorry state of the world right now, I’ve been bringing Andy a couple of bouquets of roses – a reminder that there is still beauty to be found, and there is still love no matter what else is happening. 

He brought me a bouquet of peonies – a trio of large pink blooms that promptly began opening, even in the middle of the night, as soon as I put them in some warm water. They were not the fully double pom-pom versions that are ubiquitous in old-fashioned gardens. These were more delicate, and what they lacked in petal count and fragrance they more than made up for in other ways. 

The next morning, they were open completely, and the deep pink hue had softened to a softer pastel color – even more delicate and elegant than the bombastic shade they first showed off. This was where the magic began – as the hours went by, and it actually happened that quickly, the transformation became more profound and beautiful. 

As shades of pink drained from the petals, they took on a creamy glow, almost translucent in the light. And then the last part of the show began, as the petals took on a deeper shade of yellow, echoing the golden stems of their stamens. A truly magical performance, courtesy of a magical man. Andy’s been saddened and worried about the likely effect that this election will have on the federal recognition of our marriage, but I reminded him that we were together for ten years before it was legal anywhere, and we would be ok again. Legal terms, papers, and even flowers fade and wither, but love can never be destroyed. 

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Giving Gratitude for Friends

This weekend marks a planned Friendsgiving celebration with Kira, kicking off our holiday festivities with one of my favorite events. We started this little tradition a few years ago, on a whim, the way we start our best traditions. Back then, as now, we convene in Boston and do one night at home, then one night out for a fancy dinner. It’s usually a toss-up as to which I like better. Here’s a look back at some previous outings of thanks.

Friendsgiving 2023: 

   – Part One

    – Part Two

       – Part Three

          – Part Four

             – Part Five

                 – Part Six

                     – Part Seven

 

Friendsgiving 2021:

Part One

   – Part Two

 

Friendsgiving 2019:

    – Just One Part

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When the Roses Bloom: Shades of Gray

~ from OCTOBER 2004 ~

The letter arrived the same day as the new couch. Sitting down on the pristine tapestry, adjusting a soft pillow beneath my back, I savored the moment of holding. not-yet-opened letter from a friend. It was Lee Bailey’s usually typography and return address – an easy-on-the-eyes elegant sans serif style, tendered in a delicate gray color and printed on fine paper. 

I opened the letter, excited to read news from Lee or maybe find a party invitation, when the copy of the New York Times obituary unfolded in my hands, along with an explanatory note from his assistant. A black and white photo stared out. 

Lee Bailey was dead. I wouldn’t get to see him again. 

By most measures, I didn’t know him that well. When I was ten or eleven, I wrote him a fan letter, conveying my interest in gardening and an appreciation for his book ‘Country Flowers’ – the book that got me through a few Northeast winters. Its gorgeous photographs were a comfort, and a tantalizing promise that sun and warmth and green would one day return

That book also got me through a number of lonely nights, when in the darkness my mind raced with worry – a kid with too much happening in his head, scared of what the next day would bring. I don’t recall specifics – maybe something in school had upset me, maybe the terror was all imagined – I just know I was worried and couldn’t sleep.

Then I would pull the heavy cloth-bound book from beneath the bed, turn on the reading lamp, and sit silently in a small pool of light, reading about gardens and flower anecdotes and a hero who found the freedom to write about those fascinating (for me) matters. The dread lessened then, and I drifted to sleep with soft visions of undulating flower meadows, the fragrant wisps of lavender and mint riding the wind on hot sunny days. 

Lee and I struck up a friendship of sorts. He was certainly a mentor, even if he didn’t see it that way. He invited me to visit him in the city “when the roses bloom” and that July I made it down to meet him. Nervously boarding the elevator that took me directly up to his penthouse suite, I patted out the wrinkles in my khakis and wondered what to expect. 

Coming from the hot cement bed of a New York City July day, the suite felt gloriously airy. It was cool here, as a breeze brushed through the open doorways and draperies, delicately tickling a palm frond and evoking tranquil vistas of islands and far-away lands. 

Lee was frail. I think he used a cane to get around – I don’t rightly remember. He took me on a tour of the potted roses first. A balcony ran around the entire length of the place, holding a collection of container plants. Most of the roses had already finished their first bloom – I had come just a little too late. 

We moved inside and a woman brought me a glass of water. Sitting opposite each other on facing couches, we talked. It was a brief visit, and my leave-taking was quick and anti-climactic. Still, I must have impressed him somewhat. After that he regularly invited me to parties and gatherings he held for his birthday and holidays. 

Those events were glittering high-society gatherings. I would coerce one of my friends into accompanying me – Suzie or Chris – and beg them to wear something presentable. In one of the unimaginably well-appointed  residences of an Upper West Side building, Peter Stone would open his home up for these gatherings in Lee’s honor. 

Mostly the crowd left us alone, and we faded into the background gratefully. It was easier to talk to the waiters and the bartender than hob-nob with the rich and the famous. The chill of discernible class difference left us a bit off-balance. A few people did speak to us, albeit briefly. Peter Stone was always a gracious host. Liz Smith came up to Chris and me and asked what two good-looking youngsters were doing at such a party. Joel Schumacher looked right through us, not rudely (and when we saw him on the street a few years later I mentioned the party and he thanked us for remembering him). 

At the center of each party was Lee himself. Escorted in later than most everyone else, he sat and received visitors and gifts, warmly and wittily. I looked for an inconspicuous moment to sneak in and say hello out of politeness, and he was always good to me – his hand on mine in the manner of a proper mentor, his eyes kind and sparkling. At one of the last parties he pointed out the writer Rick Whitaker, setting up a friendly introduction. Suzie and I spoke to him for a while. 

There were a lot of these opportunities to network, but I never felt right about that. I was there for Lee. 

 

~SHADES OF GRAY~

Midway Through Life

Gray Ghost 1

A Bagel in Boston

At the Mall

Gray Ghost 2

Squirrelly

Brother 1

Andy’s Mom

Gray Ghost 3

Change

Idle

Brother 2

Mental Replies

Brother 3

The Man in Your Office

Gray Ghost 4

Uncle Roberto 1

Fairy Nursery Tale Rhyme

Dee and the Geese

Uncle Roberto 2

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