Rarely is there ever a distinctive line between summer and fall, other than the calendar we as humans have assembled to demarcate the shift by the precise date and hour. Nature is more nuanced about it, slipping a bit of fall into the cooler nights we’ve had of late, while letting the heat and sun linger on a bit, giving the scents of fallen leaves and drying acorns more pungent resonance. That subtle shift has been in the works for weeks – this is merely our official proclamation that autumn is here, and summer is done, so let’s get on with the show.
In my head I hear a million conversations
I’m spinning out, don’t wake me up until the end
The rivers flowing in denial I can’t fake it
I’m paranoid that all my thoughts are all my friends
Fall has been aptly named in my lifetime of falls. It used to be the time of the year when I would fall madly, defiantly, and foolishly in love with someone – anyone really – who didn’t love me back. The battle of unrequited love was one I fought every autumn, kicking away fallen dried leaves as I felt my heart jerk against such perceived injustice. It’s been many years since that happened, and while there is mostly relief in that, I no longer look back with bitterness over those lost gentlemen, or my idiocy at pursuing them. That kind of passion and excitement is the province of the young, and without having experienced it, I wouldn’t be able to find the sense of calm I can usually locate these days.
The province of the young – that feels more like spring than fall. Yet fall has a freshness that often gets forgotten. It gives the sort of jolt that time sometimes uses to remind us that it’s constantly in motion. It lights the fire that impels us to prepare for winter, that gives the warning there isn’t much time left. And so we bolt and hasten to our tasks, work and school alike imbued with a new urgency, household tasks given immediate deadlines, as we prepare the outside for the long march to and through the slumbering months.
I was broken from a young age
Taking my sulking to the masses
Writing my poems for the few
That look at me, took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heartache from the pain
Taking my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the…
Trying to light it
This fall there are big burning plans for this website, as we are about to celebrate its 20th anniversary. The lead-up to that (occurring in early 2023) will include metaphorically burning this place down, with a never-before-released ‘lost’ project going up next month, one that almost say the light of day in 2009 but was used at the last moment in a rare moment of conservative judgment on my behalf, and ultimately it was for the best. I think it’s ready for its close-up now, and all the incendiary shit-storms that usually rage upon the release of a new project can light it all up.
All (pain) these thoughts I battle
Creeping up my skin, creeping up my skin
Fears (pain) they try to rattle
Who I am within, where do I begin?
It’s (pain) one of those days, my world is crashing everything
looks on fire
It’s (pain) one of those nights, I’m dreaming but I’m walking on a wire
All (pain) these thoughts I battle
(believer) Creeping up my skin, (believer) burning from within like
Fire
The song chosen for kicking off the fall season here is a mash-up of ‘Fire’ by The Score and ‘Believer’ by Imagine Dragons. An epic collision of emotions, the kind that happens when someone has reached the point where there are no more fucks to give, when they have been pushed to the edge where it’s jump or die, and the only thing left to do is see whether they have wings. There is beauty in that space… danger and treachery too… and it will be up to us to make the choices that bring us closer to the fire. Whether salvation is there, or something worse, we can never know.
Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you’ve heard
Has turned your spirit to a dove, oh-ooh
Your spirit up above, oh-ooh
I’m a fighter, lighting fires, knock ’em dead
Falls of the past contained a multitude of mixed feelings, and amid the best-laid plans were failures and falterings that I originally viewed as marring the season. Looking back, everything that happened turned into a bit of destiny – lessons and triumphs could only come from mistakes and losses. When you begin to view the world in such a way, it becomes much easier to cope. Because this is not an easy existence. Even the most charmed lives contain their own heartache and misery, and absolutely no one gets out of this alive.
Blood in my chest
Fight in my step
No sleep no rest
No sleep no rest
Sparks in my brain
Am I insane?
Trying to light the flame
Trying to light it
All…Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer,
Believer
Fears…Pain!
You break me down and build me up, believer,
believer
Pain!
Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from…
Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer,
believer
burning from within like
Fire
Let it rain, let it rain
Through the pain like
We summon the fires of fall, with all of their burn and vicious bite, and we take that energy and light and transform it into warmth and sustenance, into the drive and impetus to ignite a new chapter. Setting it off with the frisson of promise, using the kindling of hope, and feeding it with the fuel of memory and rage and right, we send our fires into the sky. Limitless suddenly with the wonder of the realization that we burn together, we meld into everyone else’s fire, enjoined with everyone else’s spirit. In the frightening nights where it can feel endlessly dark, a lone candle flickers, and from one single light so many more can be lit. We raise our little candles in unison, in a collective conjuring of whatever magic and enchantment each of us can cast.
Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You’re the face of the future
The blood in my veins, oh-ooh
Clench my teeth, I need to end this
conversation
Strike a match cause now it’s time to hit reset
No more doubt, no more running from the half
truth
(and rained down
And rained down, like)
Fall brings out the fight still left within us. The fight we are not yet resigned to lose or leave behind. It lights the fuse of one more hidden bastion of explosive energy, illuminating those parts we may have forgotten about in the dark. Once lit, it will carry us to greater places, to greater understanding and compassion, to acceptance and glory – where glory is the simple state of existing in calm and contentment. There are times when one must rage to find peace.
I’m a fighter, lighting fires, knock ’em dead
All (pain) these thoughts I battle
Creeping up my skin, creeping up my skin
Fears (pain) they try to rattle
Who I am within, where do I begin
It’s (pain) one of those days, my world is crashing everything
looks on fire
It’s (pain) one of those nights, I’m dreaming but I’m walking on a wire
All (pain) these thoughts I battle
(believer) Creeping up my skin, (believer) burning from within like
Sometimes you have to burn it all to the ground to start again. As we lead into the winter that will mark this website’s 20th anniversary, it’s time to do just that. Burning the past, burning the memories, burning the hurt and pain and suffering… and beginning again like some phoenix seemingly lost to the flames. Are you ready to burn, or are you ready to rise?
Fire
Pain!
Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
(Let it rain, let it rain)
My life, my love, my drive, it came from…
(Through the pain like
Fire)
You made me a, you made me a believer,
(Let it rain, let it rain)
believer
Through the pain like…
